This is sort of follow-up angst to Moonlight, Shame and Rain, but I suppose you don't have to read them to get the gist of the story

Poor Kanda... I enjoy picking on him far too much... and this pairing has grown on me surprisingly

Warning: implied slash, non-explicit death, angsting

Disclaimer: D. Gray-man people belong to Katsura Hoshino (Val belongs to me)

The words were like a physical blow to him. They were worse than being stabbed or shot or hit over the head… worse than anything… worse than the worst nightmare which had ever invaded the world of dreams that swirled in his head, the world which had only just begun to get brighter and clearer.

Now it plunged back into darkness.

"He's dead. I'm sorry."

I'm sorry… The words were so hollow, so empty. They wouldn't do anything. They wouldn't bring him back. Never, never, never…

I'm… never going to see him again… Blue eyes, silver hair, dreamy smile… It really was an illusion after all… a dream inside my head… Strong arms wrapped tightly around him, warm laughter against his skin and the flutter of eyelashes…

Foolish… Closing his eyes tightly, he tried to push the images away. I've been so very foolish. I knew better… I did!

Knocking echoed through his door, and he looked hesitantly up at it, uncharacteristic uncertainty on his features. Glancing towards the singular mirror which rested in the corner—just a little trinket—he could see his stark reflection staring back at him. His eyes were ringed with red and swollen.

They looked so very dark.

He's… dead.

Dead, dead, dead…

"Yuu?" The shout almost went unheard. "I know you've locked yourself in there, but it's been three days. You need to come out now, or I'll breaking the damn door down!"

Ah… the retarded bunny… at least something in the world hadn't tilted on its side.

He hated it… hated it so very much… but he missed the gentle touch and soothing words which only he could provide. There was no comfort for him now, though. The only person in the whole world who understood him was now dead along with the rest of them. And Kanda…

He felt terrifyingly, horribly alone.

"Val," he whispered, tangling his fingers into his dark hair. "Val… what should I do? What do you want me to do?" He hated the tears which bubbled up and blurred his vision, the tightness that cut off his breath.

Anger surged through him, and he pulled sharply on his hair, ignoring the throb of his scalp. "You stupid… stupid… Why did you have to go and—?"

It feels so… unreal.

"Yuu? Yuu-chan?"

"You're my Yuu-chan! I don't care if you're a right mean son-of-a-bitch; you're my son-of-a-bitch! And don't you forget it!"

Kanda flinched. Surely… surely it hadn't all been…

Since when does reality feel unreal?

Val… his moonshine… his light… where had it gone? Confusion splintered through his mind, and the innate wish to have the familiarity of his lover's tranquil presence, to hear the sound of his whispery voice and see his unfocused, dreamy eyes. Everything about Val had been too good… too wonderful to be granted to Kanda Yuu.

Could it really… all have been an illusion? I could have sworn… that I could touch him.

For the seemingly split-second that he had grasped that illusion in his arms, his burden seemed to lessen, and the world seemed to become brighter, colors sharper and scents sweeter. It had seemed like they'd actually had a hope of defeating this evil, that Kanda had had a chance of outliving this ancient war, that it Val were beside him he could do anything. The euphoria… the passion and safety… the light…

It was all… gone.

The pounding on his door ceased. For a moment he thought that the baka usagi had finally decided to leave him in his bloody false peace, but not a moment later the door splintered and shattered beneath the redheaded exorcist's hammer. And the worst part was that he couldn't summon up the habitual anger, the mask of indifferent disdain which he wore to placate himself and to protect himself. It lay in tatters at his feet, and he couldn't scoop it up and put it back together fast enough.

He met Lavi's single green eyes and wanted nothing more than to sink into a hole in the ground and die, to disappear.

Val… where are you?

The redhead growled, brushing rubble from his coat as he stalked across the room, shouldering his hammer. "What's gotten into you, Yuu-chan? Starving yourself simply cannot be allowed! C'mon! Me and the moyashi aren't that bad!"

I never said you were… He didn't want to deal with this right now. He didn't want to go downstairs and hear all the whispers about the dead exorcist. He didn't want Tiedoll to see him, to look at him in that horribly knowing way.

He didn't want Tiedoll's comfort.

"I'm not hungry," he snapped, turning to face the wall in a last-ditch attempt to hide his tear-streaked face from view. "Go away, baka usagi!"

Lavi didn't even pause. Kanda felt the weight on his bed shift as the redhead plopped down on the rumpled sheets. "Aw… don't be like that, now, Yuu-chan! You must be hungry! Even you can't go without food, and normally you eat three times a day and come outside to train at least once! What's gotten into you?"

"I told you to go away!"

He hated that the redhead was undaunted by his glare. And then he remembered… he had forgotten the state of his face… of his eyes.

Lavi had seen.

"Are you… crying?" A hand reached out towards his face, but Kanda slapped it harshly away. He didn't want to be touched.

"No! Why would you think such a stupid thing, baka usagi?"

For a moment Lavi looked almost torn. Kanda didn't know whether to be relieved or terrified that his words had not driven the other exorcist away. Instead of shying back from his rebuke like any normal person, Lavi leaned closer, pushing his hair back out of his face. This time Kanda couldn't muster the strength to resist the action. He was so very tired, and everything was so… dark.

"Yuu…" He flinched. The baka usagi only used his real name when being utterly serious. "Why are you crying? I'm your friend, you know; you can tell me."

You're just going to record it in that stupid book of yours… But the resentment with which the statement would have been spoken froze in his throat. Lavi had changed a lot since he'd come to the Order. Despite it being against every rule of being a Bookman, he could tell that the redhead cared for them. It was against all the rules, and he couldn't bring himself to dig his claws into what must be a painful wound for his… friend.

"Does it have something to do with that exorcist…? Valerius, wasn't it?" Lavi's sharp eye scrutinized his face, and Kanda knew that, shamefully, he hadn't been able to hide the stark grief from his naked eyes, not from someone who was trained to be able to see it so well, who knew what to look for. The green eye narrowed.

Kanda blinked quizzically as his hair was pushed away, a hand sliding over his shoulder. And then it slid against his throat, just beneath the collar of his shirt. His whole body froze and trembled, his eyes wide. How had Lavi known?

"It was him, wasn't it? I knew you were sneaking around with someone behind the Order's back, but I didn't know who."

It shouldn't have surprised him that Lavi knew, but it did nevertheless.

"Val," he whispered. "He was the only one who understood me, the only one I didn't have to hide from…" His head hung wearily, resignedly. "And now…" Cracking, his voice left him in silence. He couldn't bring himself to continue, to make himself vulnerable before this man who was supposed to be his friend. The word had no meaning to him, not really. He had had a friend… once… and a lover…

Now he's gone. My whole world is turned upside down, everything on its side. All the light that I had has turned…

It looked as if Lavi didn't know what to say. The redhead pulled him into a loose embrace, and Kanda allowed his head to rest on another shoulder, if only for a moment. A few mere moments of comfort, of pretending that nothing was wrong, that it was Val he was leaning against, who was comforting him. But it wasn't, and he couldn't let his tears fall in front of Lavi like he could in front of his lover.

"C'mon now… it's alright, Yuu… Everything's going to be just fine…" They were useless, hollow words of nonsense. They meant nothing—nothing. To Kanda they sounded like the fake silver lining on the cloud that was too thin to catch him; it would rust away and let him fall through to crash to the ground, to break into a million pieces.

The light was missing. There was no way to get it back now.

…it has all turned to darkness.

My daily angsting is fulfilled *snicker*

Review if you wish to