--I don't own Death Note or any of the characters!!!

"Welcome to the show 'Matt's Guide to Happiness!'"

Matt walked on the stage with a cigarette in his mouth.

"Err…yes. Hello I'm Matt."

-random fangirl girl squeals-

"OMG, WE LOVE YOU MATT!"

"…number 1 to achieving happiness: get rid of all fangirls in the world…"

-lights an end of the world bomb-

"with this."

-bomb blows up and fangirls fly off into space.-

"OMG! I WAS BLOWN UP BY MATT'S BOMB! o0"

"Technically, Miss fangirl, you are now dead and shouldn't be able to talk. I'll see you later in heaven when I die with Mello."

-Matt flicks his cigarette and throws it on the floor. (grins evilly)-

"Number 2. Smoke."

-takes out a new cigarette and lights it.-

"Umm…Matt? I heard smoking is bad for you. The police have this program thing that informs kids of the hazards of smoking."

"(stares) Oh?"

"Uh…yeah it's called D.A.R.E."

"(glare) Whoever made up that freakin' rule is freakin' lying. Everybody, smoking is, in fact, freakin' vital to your freakin' health."

-screen shows old grandpas smoking and coughing-

"With the exception of them—they don't live in the age of modern and modified cigarettes."

"…o0;;;...Uhh Matt…that was a lot of freakin's in one sentence…?"

"Just trying to get the point across, ya know?"

"Yeah…"

"Now on to number three: PLAY POKEMON!!!"

"Pokemon…?!"

"Yes Pokemon. Pokemon is how I managed to last the everlasting torture in the Wammy's. I formed a bond with my Pikachu and Pikachu loves me! Now it's my best friend! YOU MUST CATCH ALL THE POKEMON IN THE WORLD! FREKAIN' ASH DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE THE MAIN CHRACTER! I DO! I DO!"

"Matt? Some people don't have gameboys or the games."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!"

-some random person shouts-

"POKEMON SUCKS!"

-gunshot-

"Anyone else have objections?"

"OMG MATT! YOU JUST CALLED PIKACHU YOUR BEST FRIEND?! WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?!"

"…MELLO?! HOW'D YOU—"

"I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU EVER AGAIN! NO WAIT, SCREW THAT! I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU UP AND NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN!"
"W-WAIT! MELLO, I'M REALLY SORRY!!! PIKACHU IS A TRAITOR! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN PIKACHU!"

"BUT YOU STILL LOVE THE FREAKIN' DAMN YELLOW MOUSE THING! WHEN YOU GET TO OUR HOUSE, YOU'RE GOING TO WISH THAT YOU NEVER EVEN MENTIONED PICHU!"

"Err…Mello.? That's Pikachu's little brother—"

"I DON'T FREAKIN' CARE!"

-Everyone watches as matt gets dragged away my Mello and waves goodbye-

"Well, that's it for the show! Please join us next time for Mello's tips on dealing with anger management!"