Where to begin… Honestly I don't even know what I did wrong. I was innocent. I was smart. I was happy. But then she happened. She came into my life and made me feel things that I thought only some one in a sappy love story could feel. Then she broke me. She swooped in and showed me how to feel and then crushed those feelings…with my best-friend I wanted her for the rest of my life until she started to slowly tear me to pieces bit by bit with no remorse or self indication of what she was doing to me. Now thanks to her I am afraid of every girl I talk to. I can't trust a single person I talk to and I still don't trust anyone around me. I'm easily angered and I spend good portions of my life locked away because I feel like a bother. Then when I finally emerge from my hideaway I'm made fun of or yelled at for spending to much time away. So I scurry back away. Now I know its childish to do that or even think like that but what am I going to do. I don't know how to deal with that stuff anymore. No one helps me deal with it because they don't get it, no matter how many times they say "I understand" they just don't. Now I cut myself from people and let them think I'm some happy go lucky guy that gives no fucks in this world but every insult and snark comment piles up and I don't know what to do with them. Everyone says to just let it all go but that's like telling someone who is in the middle of crying to just stop. They don't just stop. They get comforted and slowly build themselves back up but how can I build myself back up when I keep getting broken down. I know I have people who care….but on the other hand I feel like I don't….i wish I could think better of myself because my own self persecution is hurting other people…even the person I care about most and I want to help her but every time I try I grow a loss of words. I lose all motivation because im afraid I will say just the wrong thing and make it worse. I don't feel I'm capable of doing what I could. Now I know life will keep going and things perceptively will get better but that woul take sacrifices I'm just not willing to make. Ive come to the decision that im really nothing more than and egotistical procrastinating ungrateful asshole with no proper spectrum of emotion. I just want to be happy but I want nothing more than for her to be happy…and I just can't do it…she of all people deserves better than what im capable of giving.