A/N: I wrote this a few months ago, but I figured I should upload it now so I don't have to worry about it. It's nothing amazing, just some situational (probably incorrect) moments concerning Luke's malaise. I haven't read it in a while, so I apologize for anything misspelled or grammatically incorrect. Enjoy the drama!
Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.
:Guilt:
The peaceful area of Keterburg was asleep, shrouded in the mask of snow and darkness. The glow of the moon illuminated the icebound city with a ghastly light, casting shadows across the white blanket. Judging by the height of the pale orb in the sky, it was either very late or very early.
Snow fell like petals from a tree, landing without a sound among their companions. The stillness consumed the town and gave off a silence both calm and strange. Bitter cold and slow, frigid winds kept residents off the streets and safely inside their homes. Except for one person.
On the outskirts of town, just seconds away from the gates of the snowy city, Luke walked through the pure powder in silence. He stopped and felt the wind bite at the back of his neck and his exposed arms. But he didn't mind it, he just closed his eyes and exhaled quietly. An unsettling feeling pulled at his heart and the moon beckoned him to do some outdoor thinking, despite the glacial temperature.
Sighing, his visible breath pushed away the falling snowflakes, only to have them fall a few inches over. That's how the young swordsman felt about a lot of things: He would try to push something away, but it would happen anyway, just somehow else. It was frustrating. Akzeriuth, Tear's sickness, his own illness, Asch's death, and everything concerning himself. Being a replica, in particular.
Akzeriuth, his mistake that caused the death of so many innocent people. His own fault, giving in to Van's intentions. And now so many people were dead, and he couldn't bring them back. This caused everyone to look differently at him for a while, and to look down on him. He was ashamed of it still; it took him so long to accept it. That was such a foolish moment for him, he hoped more than anything that no one still thought of him that way.
Tear's sickness in releasing the gates. This wasn't exactly his fault, but Natalia told him that he was being cold in his kindness and support to the girl. Again, he was pushing her away, hoping not to involve himself, but really he was making things worse. He was being selfish, and that made him feel like a jerk. He was being one, and he was surprised no one told him that to his face yet.
The wind howled and snow was lifted from the frozen ground, twirling in the breeze. Luke shivered in the gaze of the moon and rubbed his arms for warmth, but he didn't turn back to town. He stood staring across the plain of white and cogitated further.
Jade told him about the fonons in his body separating, and how he would disappear forever. Luke told everyone how he knew he wouldn't live much longer, dragging everyone down. Guy once told him not to talk as if it were the end, but he didn't listen. Luke made a point of letting everyone know of his misfortune and he pushed them away. They just wanted to help, but he brushed them all off.
Asch's death made him hurt just thinking of those two words. He could've stayed with him and saved him; they could've found a way to escape together. But he left the room and left his original to die. Perhaps the God-General could've had a death that did him more justice had he been able to get out of that room. But Luke abandoned him, and despite just following orders, he deserted him.
As the wind picked up and stirred the flakes around the air, Luke hung his head and saw the chalky snow beneath his boots. Being a replica was a problem he'd tried to efface forever. The thought of being a second-rate copy, near useless to the world, still tore at his heart. He stooped down and shoveled a handful of snow into his gloved hand, the cold stinging him. His friends seemed to value him, but he was just a tool to others. He let the snow slip between his fingers, more compact than sand, so it fell in pieces rather than grains. There were some concepts he would never come to understand.
Luke's pondering was interrupted by a black figure sweeping to his left, away from the town. He looked up, the cold numbing his reflexes and drowsiness numbing his mind. Perhaps he'd imagined it.
However, it came again, this time with a fierce cry that pierced the night silence like a needle. Luke immediately drew his sword, feeling adrenaline hit his nerves. A beat later, blackness lunged at him in solid form.
Luke extended his sword, his arms locked and his sword hilt level with his heart. The pressure of the beast against his defending sword pushed him back, but a pained cry was heard regardless. Luke noticed the animal was flying, and it limped away with a cut in its wing. Dark blood dripped to the snow and Luke kept his blue-green eyes focused directly as it came back.
Gaining speed from the wind, the bird-like creature sailed at him again. Lodging one of his feet back in the snow, he pushed off the ground in the direction of the enemy, and his sword sliced through it as if it wasn't even there. First, scarlet blood scattered through the air and the bird didn't even have time to cry out. Black feathers darker than the night itself wavered in the breeze and the swordsman landed, sooner than the dead hit the snow.
Luke rose from his crouched position and turned to face the remains that were already partially covered with snow. He saw the blood strewn across the earlier flawless white, and then looked down at his coat. Blotches of crimson tainted the white cloth, just as the blood on the bright ground.
Moonlight created a milky gleam on Luke's blade, traces of the animal's blood lining the silver like tiny streams. Looking back across the fields once, Luke headed back to Keterburg, hoping to enter the inn undetected. His thinking was over for now.
Clouds passed over the moon and darkness again overwhelmed the city. Luke crept across the iced paths and just as the moonlight filtered through the thin clouds, he opened the inn door, stepped inside, and closed it gingerly behind him. So far, so good.
He noticed an open window and walked over to close it, hoping to change clothes soon. The scent of the blood was strong and giving him a headache. Luke placed his frozen fingertips on the window and prepared to pull it down, casting one final glance at the reminiscing moon. He smiled to himself and let the window fall back into place with only a slight tap.
"Where were you?" Luke jumped at the sound of the voice just as icy as the weather. Turning slowly, his eyes fell upon the colonel Jade, who was swaying a little as if he had just taken a step. Still fully clothed, the man stared at Luke with suspecting eyes and an empty frown.
"Ah, just...going for a walk," Luke replied with a small shrug, his eyes darting over to the window. Jade's hard gaze was difficult to focus on for longer than a moment.
"Your clothes," Jade began blankly, tilting his head. They were indeed still bloodstained and Luke bit his lip, rolling his eyes to the ceiling as if to find advice there. "You aren't injured, are you?"
Luke shook his head and felt himself smile lightly at the colonel's concern. "N-no, I'm alright. Just a monster outside, no problem."
Jade wasn't convinced. Leaning against a wall nearby, he said, "Well did you find anything while you were out there?"
Luke knew him well enough to know that he meant mentally, with thinking. Letting out a small sigh, he smiled and closed his eyes. "I guess I can't fool you, huh?" He took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling again. "I've been thinking a lot...about...things I feel like I should forget." Luke turned toward the listening man and furrowed his brow. "Do you ever feel that way?"
Smirking at the irony, Jade straightened his glasses. "All the time."
"So what do you do? It's just going to be an endless wave of guilt as long as I hold on to those feelings, and I can't erase them!" Luke stopped and listened, hoping not to wake anyone up. Lowering his voice, he went on. "Lots of things, they just sting at me and I feel like...I can't escape. People's emotions, values, purposes, lives. I can't stop feeling awful for getting involved, and ruining everything." Luke hung his head, unaware of the fact that Jade didn't follow him.
With a short laugh, Jade said, "What are you saying? Everyone feels guilty, but not usually for getting 'involved' as you put it." He stepped closer to the boy, his hands in his pockets as the room grew colder and the snow thicker. "Even I feel regret for things I did. It's natural."
"I know that."
"So why are you pondering on something so simple? You shouldn't waste your time..." Jade trailed off as the wind howled outside, around the tiny inn and through the invisible spaces in the walls. The darkness of the room unsettled the two.
"Jade... I exist." Luke looked up, fear gathering behind his turquoise eyes. "I shouldn't. Isn't that enough of a reason for me to feel remorse? I feel like a ghost, except I make everything worse." He shook his head and exhaled. "I hate to say it-"
"Then don't-"
"But I wish I were dead." There was a silence, and the two made eye contact, Luke's eyes empty, sad, and importunate, and Jade's own heated garnet with annoyance, and yet heavy with pain. That sentence set him off and it made him furious that Luke would even think to say it. He couldn't change Luke's mind, and the boy had a good point. But he still couldn't accept it.
"Don't you ever say that again," Jade threatened through clenched teeth. Luke flinched and his eyes widened.
Opening his mouth to speak, Luke looked away. He only managed to make the first syllable of his protest before Jade stormed over to him and grabbed his wrist in half a second. Pushing him against the wall, Jade focused hard on Luke. "Don't," he warned further, and Luke fell silent.
Someone in the room over shifted in their bed and mumbled something incoherent through the wall. "Tear," Luke said, smiling at the sound of the melodic voice.
"Luke, there are people here who love you," Jade started, snatching Luke's attention. "I don't want to hear you say that you would rather be dead."
The redhead drew in a shaky breath, feeling the cold of the wall against his back. "I'm sorry," he managed in a whisper, keeping his eyes locked on the floor. "But I...am no one." His voice carried the slightest tone, the rest wrapped in an eerie strain to keep quiet. He clawed at the wall with his free hand as Jade's grip tightened on his wrist, pain shooting up to his shoulder.
"You are someone. You may be a replica, but you're still Luke. Is that the problem?" Jade pushed Luke's arm harder against the wall, making him cringe in anguish. "Is this guilt all because you're a replica? So you end up feeling worthless?"
"I've caused problems for you all," Luke continued weakly, his ability to talk out loud erased by his own terrified distress. "Wouldn't it be better...if I were gone?"
"Never," Jade shot back, shaking in irritation. "So stop moping and accept these people." He would've gone on, but Tear shifted again, so he let go hesitantly. "You are valued. I shouldn't have to tell you twice. If you die, you abandon them. You will hurt them worse than you would by living."
"Jade?" Luke asked, still wincing at the tenderness in his arm. "Don't lie to me."
"I am not lying," the colonel huffed, turning his back. "Trust me," he added tentatively.
A thump from a bedroom was heard, and Luke faced Jade. "Do you want to talk outside?" he asked, his voice back. Jade turned to Luke in puzzlement, but to his surprise, nodded.
The snow was thick and the wind had passed mostly. The spherical full moon was still out, it's brilliance now superseding the shadow of the gray clouds. Luke stepped into the moonlight, watching his breath appear and fade in the chilly air.
They stood in silence for some time, taking in the scenery of Keterburg. No lights were on, and a melancholy hush swept over the town. Lamplights were even off, and the moon made a spotlight for the city. Luke finally struck up his conflicts again. "Asch, Tear, Akzeriuth...and myself. I just don't understand how this could happen."
Jade waited a moment before replying, "This crisis is not your fault, though I don't blame you for thinking it is. Van is our main enemy, and once he is handled, perhaps everything will be back to normal."
"Nothing could bring those innocent people back," Luke snapped instantly, lowering his head in bitterness. His throat tightened and he appeared to choke out his words as a result of his torment. "Nothing...could bring him back." Luke felt tears sting the corners of his eyes and he struggled to keep them at bay.
Jade closed his eyes gravely behind the silver frames of his glasses. Nothing could bring back the one I killed either. He let the thought slide as Luke shifted. Opening his eyes, he felt someone engage him in a desperate embrace, a pair of arms encircling him.
Luke buried his face shamefully in Jade's coat and let out a muffled sob. Rivulets of tears streamed down his cheeks and he felt himself weaken. "I've been so selfish this whole time," Luke murmured into Jade's chest, his voice cracking. "How can any of you ever forgive me?"
Surprised at Luke's understanding, which was unlike him, Jade held the boy closely. Hoping to lift him from his troubled state, he said, "I've already forgiven you." Normally, someone would've told him not to cry or that he was being foolish, but Jade understood completely. He was thankful Luke was coming to understand his flaws.
Luke's adversity dissipated as he loosened his hold on Jade and lifted his head, though not stepping away. He shivered from his own self-loathing as well as the cold, drawing in another unsteady breath. "I know I should try...to change for everyone. Maybe when the time comes...I will." Looking up at Jade with his watery eyes, he asked, "Will you all be there for me when I do?"
Jade let on a smile and pulled Luke's arms from himself, clasping the boy's trembling hands in his own. "Of course."
Luke stepped away finally and wiped his tears with his hand, feeling ridiculous already. "Thank you."
"Luke?"
"Yeah?"
Jade looked at the sky, which seemed to be growing brighter and darker at the same time. "Do not let your guilt overpower you. Everything can be changed, and you must change it."
"I..." Luke was about to say "I know", but stopped himself. He did know, but he didn't act like he did. So instead, he just smiled. "I guess you're right. I'll try."
Jade turned to the sky and raised his eyebrows. "Oh, it would appear the sun is rising." Indeed, the land was becoming dimmer on one side as the moon grew fainter, yet brighter on the other side as the sun began to emerge. "Some of the others will be awake soon and you haven't gotten a wink of sleep."
"Have you?" Luke gazed across the snow that had stopped falling and felt light warm him subtlety.
"I have not. We should go back inside. I am rather tired." The colonel yawned and entered the inn, but Luke stayed outside.
Looking down at his hands, he felt something inside him stir. "Everything can be changed." He looked to the sun, it's white face giving the sky a pink hue. "And I must change it."
::Two hours later that morning::
Guy stepped out of his room into the small inn lobby. "Uaah, what an awful sleep," he groaned, stretching his arms and nearing the table. A small piece of bright white paper caught his eye, sitting in plain sight on the wooden tabletop. "Hm, what's this?"
Tear and Natalia entered the room next, making small conversation. "Good morning, Guy," Natalia chimed, walking past him to her coat. She put it on and shivered. "It's awfully cold in here, don't they have a heater?"
"What's that?" Tear asked, looking over Guy's shoulder as he continued to read it.
"Man, the Colonel won't wake up!" Anise cried, walking into the room. "I wonder if he stayed up drinking or something."
By the time Guy finished reading the paper, Natalia, Tear, and Anise were crowded around reading it. "What's up with this?" Guy asked, turning to the girls.
"Luke wrote it? Is it like a suicide note or something?" Anise pried, trying to get a better look by standing on a chair.
"Anise, get down!" Natalia scolded, still trying to catch a glimpse of the paper.
Guy held the note far from all the girls and started reading it aloud. "It says 'Dear Everyone.' Wow, that's original." Anise snatched it from him and jumped from the chair, reading it.
"'I'm going on a journey of self-recognition and acceptance. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you in the past, and I hope to discover myself further along the way.' What is he, a hermit?"
Natalia grabbed the paper from the girl and held it up to her face. "'I will return in time to face off against Master Van, and expect me to come back changed. I won't have any trouble finding you, and I ask that you don't search for me.' How strange." Guy took the paper from her.
"'I am really sorry for my selfish behavior and I know it seems like I didn't care about Tear's sickness or the people of Akzeriuth. But I'm thinking of them now and I hope to make some serious revisions to my character.' Revisions to character? I guess he started by picking up a dictionary." Finally, Tear got a hold of the paper.
"'Along my journey, you will all be in my heart and I promise to come back with something for you all, even if it's only an apology. I can't face my past when I'm with you guys or I'll only drag you down, so I'm taking some time to give you the silence you probably deserve. Plus I need some time of my own, to find, and later embrace myself. I know you'll all miss me! Sincerely, Luke.'"
"What a weirdo," Guy and Anise chorused, crossing their arms. "I bet he gets killed."
Natalia took the note and read over it again carefully. "I wonder what caused him to want to go on this journey so suddenly? And why did he make reference to Tear's sickness? That was a long time ago, and so was Akzeriuth."
Tear smiled and sighed, closing her eyes. "Maybe he felt guilty for what he did and he wants to cope with it on his own."
"By changing?" Anise questioned, her eyes wide in curiosity.
Tear glanced down at her and then up at the other two. "Yes, I think so. By changing, he will become a better man and return to us." The others looked skeptical, but Tear held her ground.
From the other side of the nearest wall, Jade smiled to himself. He pushed off the wall he'd been leaning on and walked over to a window in his bedroom. Somewhere out there, a boy driven by guilt was on a quest for answers. Or was it forgiveness? Either way, the colonel knew he wouldn't be coming back until he understood his mistakes and all his remorse was lifted away.
FIN. Review please.