Since arriving on Earth's unforgiving surface Clarke had experienced her fair share of hard days. Before landing she may have rated days on a scale from perfect to getting placed in lockup, but now her scale was more like alive to stabbing a loved one in their stomach to prevent them from dying a more painful death. So yeah, Earth hadn't been a cake walk and she had a different perspective on bad days.
That being said, one of her worst days since landing would have to be the day Bellamy Blake looked at her with tears in his eyes and told her how worthless she had made him feel with the words left unsaid.
"You left me."
Those three words had felt like physical blow, almost as if he had slapped her, and she had felt it in her heart. It wasn't like stabbing Finn, nor was it like watching Lexa die, but it had left an impact on her that she could not avoid. She had made a promise to herself that day that she would never leave Bellamy's side again. She would never let him get so far away that he would feel abandoned and helpless. Clarke was happy to say she had kept that promise.
After the Alie was destroyed things had been hard. Octavia leaving had left Bellamy raw and exposed. He felt personally responsible for her pain and the path to forgiving himself was not an easy one. Along with that they had to work hard to secure peace and structure in the aftermath of disaster. It had been a hard time, but Clarke had stayed.
Bonds forged in blood and sweat were the strongest kind and the relationship between Bellamy and her was no exception. Somewhere between landing and destroying an all-consuming AI they had formed a strong bond that was impossible to ignore, but lately that bond had been entering a new and confusing territory.
It had started when the council had decided to start making larger cabins for residential use. It was nothing ground-breaking. Her mother had discussed doing this since landing and there had been cabins on the ground for different purposes since four months ago. Where it had become uncomfortable was when it had been decided that the first to receive the cabins would be her mother and Kane, a couple who was very openly involved with each other, and her and Bellamy. Despite Clarke's initial discomfort and open opposition to being given a cabin that she would be sharing with Bellamy she was given little consideration, especially by her mother who had looked exasperated at her stubborn refusal.
So, she had moved in with Bellamy under an obvious expectation that they were together, romantically, and if that wasn't uncomfortable enough she was beginning to think that her friends assumed the same. It was something in their tone that made her bristle, this knowledge that they thought they had was obviously misplaced.
"How's Bellamy lately anyway" Raven asked and Clarke felt herself stiffen yet again. "I feel like I haven't seen him in forever."
"Do you think we're together or something?" She felt the words emerge from her mouth before she could really process the implications. She didn't even really want to know the answer. Raven for her part looked like Clarke had just told a hilarious joke.
"What do you mean? I just asked you how Bellamy was." She replied, a sly smile on her face. Clarke had to fight to control her urge to leave the table in a dramatic huff.
"It's not what you asked, it's how you asked it."
"Clarke, be serious."
"I am serious. Do you think we're together?"
Raven let out a bark of laughter.
"Oh Jesus," She shook her head. "Clarke, you are together. Whether you think you are or not."
"Not in the way you think we are." She huffed indignantly. Bellamy was her partner, but never like that.
"Okay, I think that's unfair. You're together in the exact way I think you are. You two are just too preoccupied and scared to move it forward." Raven nudged her gently. Clarke stirred her soup too stubborn to say anything. Maybe she had thought about it. Maybe spending all of her time with Bellamy lately had made her consider it more often than she ever had. But it wasn't the way they were.
"Clarke the last time a guy tried to make a move on you Bellamy threw a fit that lasted a week and a half." Raven picked at her food. And raised a speculative eyebrow at Clarke. "Does that sound like a normal friend thing?"
"That's just because I was clear about my disinterest and Vin continued to ask." Clarke paused remembering the blow-up fight between the stocky man and Bellamy that resulted in Miller having to pull him away before fists were involved and Bellamy sulking for days afterwards whenever he encountered the man in camp. Clarke still sees the tension roll into his shoulders whenever the man is in the same room as her. "He's just… protective. Especially after Octavia leaving."
Raven let out a displeased sigh. "Clarke, that boy loves you and you should take advantage of the time you have with him. You never know what tomorrow holds-"
"Raven… I'm sorry." How had she forgotten? Finn still weighed heavily on her but for Raven… It was a constant burden.
"Don't be sorry. And don't be stupid. Now I've gotta go work on genius things that will save our asses next time we run into trouble." Raven said as she pushed her chair back and straightened.
"Still working on powering the new cabins?" Clarke asked, happy for the conversation change. It was beginning to feel suffocating in here with these implied emotions.
Raven smiled brilliantly.
"You know it chief! I know we're about to get it figured out. I can feel it." The dark-haired girl placed a warm hand on her shoulder. "Think about what I said, okay?"
Clarke placed her best diplomatic smile on her face and nodded. Even though she was sure Raven could tell that it was a fake gesture the girl took it with only a small dissatisfied grimace and left for her shift. Thankfully.
This was one of the most uncomfortable situations she had ever found herself in and she wasn't sure how to handle it. Bellamy was her best friend, family, and partner. She wasn't sure she could handle him being any more important to her than he was now and adding lover to the list would only serve to complicate things. She liked the simple way they were now. Change was constant here on the ground. Her stability was Bellamy and she didn't want that to change.
But despite it all she could feel the change coming, an undercurrent that was almost palpable in all their interactions. Maybe it was due to her sudden acute awareness. Maybe it was something else. Regardless it was becoming hard to overlook.
Later in the day, when she returned to their cabin to find him sitting on their bed (Clarke had originally been pissed off that there was only one provided and refused to touch it, but after the third night of Bellamy waiting until she fell asleep on the floor and proceeding to carry her to bed the argument felt childish) reading some book he had picked up on a scouting mission early in the week, hair ruffled and face newly cleaned of the day's grime, she felt the undeniable undercurrent more than ever.
What would it be like to add lover to the list?
She shook her head. When had she turned into such a perv? Bellamy doesn't even want that with her… and she doesn't want that with him. Or at least she doesn't think so.
Sure, she maybe fantasized about him taking her up against the wall in medical the other day when she had a few minutes to herself to relieve some tension. Maybe that wasn't the first time she had thought about it either. Maybe she had been casually fantasizing about Bellamy since Unity day with increasing frequency as time had passed.
Most embarrassingly, there may be a possibility that the other day when Clarke had awoken to Bellamy's body curled protectively around her that she had pretended to be unaware and asleep and had moved against the hard on that she felt nestled behind her, just to see what he would do. Turns out the answer was curse softly, thrust against her lightly a single time, and then roll away to disengage completely.
"Hey Princess," He mumbles without looking up from the page. Clarke starts to unlace her boots with a sigh. Something must warn him that she's in a weird mood because when she looks back up he's closed the book and is sitting perched on the side of the bed with concern in his eyes. "Hard day?" his voice is a little rumbly from disuse, sort of how he sounds in the mornings and the sound makes her shiver. Clarke shrugs.
"Just another day on the ground."
He hums in response and nods once and the offer to talk about it is written all over his face, but he doesn't ask her to say anything more. Really he is the best person that she has in her life and she is eternally grateful that he's still here next to her fighting the good fight. He pats the bed beside him and she's plopping down next to him in a moment, enjoying the physical closeness even if they are just sitting close together.
She can't remember the last time someone other than Bellamy has offered her any sort of physical affection past pats on the back from Raven. Maybe this weird thing she was feeling was a symptom of being deprived of physical affection. Maybe she just needed to get out more.
"I was thinking about you today," Bellamy's rough voice pulled her out of her thoughts. She raised her eyebrow in question. "Miller and I were out scouting today actually. Don't tell Kane, he would kill us, but Miller really wanted to get out of here. Things haven't been going well at home between him and Brian." Clarke nodded. She had seen the cold distance the boys had between them. It was hard to watch them grow further and further apart. "Anyway, we were digging through some old abandoned grounder village and we found a ton of charcoal and I snagged a bag full for you." He stands and crosses the room in a few quick strides and is pulling a bag of charcoal out of his pack and tossing it to her before she knows it. "You know, for sketching." He says and suddenly and inexplicably his voice sounds shy and she can't drag her eyes away from the charcoal in her lap and there is an overwhelming feeling of warmth in her belly she wishes that she could stomp out and let consume her at the same time.
It takes her what seems like forever to be able to look at him even though she is sure it's just a few seconds and he's standing in front of her with his right hand rubbing the back of his neck nervously. He has never looked more ridiculously sincere than he does right then. "You like it, right? If not, I'm sure someone else in camp could use it. It's just I thought that- "
"I love it." She says, her voice is less strong than she wants it to be, but it's still there and it cuts him off from rambling and feeling insecure. "Thank you."
And Clarke knows that she's all Bellamy has left. He knows he admires her the way she admires him. She knows that they are made for each other, that they are better together than they are apart. But she doesn't know how this warmth in her belly will effect it and she's scared shitless that if she takes it a step farther that months down the road they'll end up like Brian and Miller, a cold distance growing between them where warmth once was. Or maybe one of them would end up like Jasper or Octavia. And isn't that horrific?
But this undercurrent is unstoppable and it seems to be pushing them closer and closer to something.
And Clarke is terrified. She feels the bed dip and he's next to her again, watching the emotions play on her face. She can never hide anything from Bellamy. His hand finds hers and he laces their fingers. He doesn't say anything, doesn't push her. He waits to see if she wants to talk.
She's in love with him she thinks. And that's the kicker, because everyone Clarke loves dies. She doesn't want to be in love with him, but now that she is certain that she is there is this feeling that she can't turn back. Maybe this time will be different. Maybe Bellamy is strong enough to take it. He's met every challenge thrown at him so far. The Blakes are survivors.
"Bell," She starts, fingering the gift in her lap, fidgeting. He squeezes her hand.
"Clarke?"
"Are we together?" She asks and she turns to watch his expression change from concern to surprise. He pulls his hand from hers gently and she tries not to see it as rejection.
"Together?" his voice is clipped, the way it gets when he is cornered and feeling off balanced.
"Like… as more than friends?" she clarifies and she tries to remain indifferent to the tone.
"As more than friends…" he pauses considering her. "Do you want to be?" Clarke feels herself flush. She places the charcoal on the floor by her sock covered feet and shrugs.
"Something just feels different lately and everyone seems to think that we are… involved or something." His lips purse as if considering the statement and it feels like he's trying to decide what angle she's playing.
"Just because people say we are together doesn't mean we have to be."
Clarke knows that. He knows she knows that. He's stalling and suddenly she feels a little insulted.
"Yeah, but there was that whole thing with Vin." He bristles at her mentioning it.
"That was nothing." He snips looking off into the corner of the room and avoiding her gaze. "The guy was an asshole and you weren't interested anyway."
"Well what If I was interested?" Clarke huffed. "Would you have been okay with me being with him if I was interested."
"That's not even the point. The point is that you weren't and he was dick about it." He is almost growling now and for the first time ever she finds it attractive. In a primal way of course.
"But what if I wanted to be with someone Bellamy." His gaze snaps back to her and he looks wildly angry.
"Is that what this is about? You wanting to fuck someone?" and this literally is a growl. He hasn't heard him get this angry in a long time and she can't even remember if he's ever spoken this way to her before but suddenly there is this rush of arousal flooding over her and she wonders briefly how red her face must be right now.
"No Bell- "
"If that's what this is then I'd rather not talk about it Clarke. I have no claim on you. You can fuck who ever you'd like." It's as if saying that breaks something in him and suddenly he is ten feet away from her pacing and looking for something to do with his hands. He's flustered. Clarke recognizes it. She does it herself when she's bracing herself for the hurt, for rejection, for bad news.
She waits a moment and studies the tension in his shoulders, the way his jaw clenches and unclenches. She feels a strange desire to sink to her knees in front of him. She really is turning into a sex craving lunatic and his alpha male bravado isn't helping matters.
"What if I want you to have a claim on me?" Her voice is huskier than she expected it to be and she flushes even more at how wanton she sounds. Several things happen in seemingly milliseconds. Bellamy stops pacing, eyes flashing dangerously to hers, he releases a sound from deep in his chest that sounds more wild than anything she has ever heard emerge from a man before, and he is suddenly pushing her forcefully onto the bed claiming her lips with his own.
She's always known that their first meeting this way would not be overly tender. If only because that puts them both in a vulnerable position and doing this, moving this forward, already feel vulnerable enough. She can't say that she minds.
She loves how rough he is willing to be with her, because she knows she can trust him to not hurt her, this is just for fun. His tongue brushes her own and she can't stop a moan from erupting from her throat. He answers with a groan of his own and his hand is suddenly in her hair, pulling her head to the side to bare her neck to him and his lips are there in an instant. His mouth dancing along her throat suckling with desperation causes her to squirm with need and his left hand lands on her hip squeezing and making her feel small under him.
"Bellamy," he hums against her as she whines his name in desperation, hands trying to find purchase in his hair. He breaks from her neck to release hot air next to her ear.
"I'm going to make you scream Clarke." He promises and if she wasn't caught up before she definitely is now.
"Please." She whispers hotly, turning to suck on his ear lobe and he groans and thrusts against her thigh. He's hard against her and she feels like clothes are the most obtrusive thing she's ever known. Apparently, Bellamy agrees because he's working on the buttons on her pants with shaking hands while his mouth returns to hers.
It's a blur of activity and suddenly his shirt and pants are off and she left in just her panties, and he's looking at her, pupils blown. She lets her hand reach out and stroke him. He's as amazing as she thought he would be, hard lines leading to a thick cock. She wants to wrap her lips around it, but that's for another time. She can't wait much longer for them to finally join. She wants to feel him in her. She must be dripping wet at this point
"I want you," she whispers and he closes his eyes and grabs her hips.
"Fuck, Clarke, you're going to kill me." She answers by swiping her thumb over his head, spreading his precum and giving him a firm stroke. She swears he almost purrs. He's pushing her underwear down and she's squirming to help him and his cock is resting at her entrance and she cannot believe this is happening. He looks at her, eyes dark and she knows he will stop if she says the word. He doesn't ask, he doesn't have to, she sees the question in his eyes as plain as day. She kisses him, and that's all the permission he needs.
She can't remember a time that she's ever felt this satisfyingly full. The moan that is ripped from her throat sounds miles away. She's floating. She wants more. Bellamy releases a shaky sigh and pulls out slowly only to push back in forcefully. He sets a lazy pace that makes her begin to melt until suddenly it becomes too much.
She can hear him muttering sweet things between their lips.
"Fuck, you're so good Clarke." He groans. Hands roaming her body exploring her curves. His eyes are on her and she doesn't know how to breathe. She wants to push him away, this is too much. It's too much, too intimate, too dangerous.
Everyone I love dies.
She knows she doesn't say it out loud. But suddenly Bellamy's pace is slowing and his brow is furrowing and she knows, she knows that he understands. It will take her a long time to be ready for the slow and steady stuff and she begins to feel guilt festering in her stomach.
He's pulling out of her. She braces herself for rejection and judgement.
"Turn over," He growls and she's surprised, a new burst of arousal flutters through her. "Now Clarke." His tone has her scrambling and his rough hands are on her hips, pulling her to the side of the bed. Once her feet meet the ground he's inside her again, giving her no moment to adjust, slamming into her and leaving finger marks on her hips. She loves it.
She can't stop telling him she loves it. "Don't stop!" she pants. "Please don't stop." She can feel herself getting closer and closer to the edge and with each hard thrust he's hitting that spot inside her that makes her moan uncontrollably. So close.
And that's when it happens. He pulls her head back, slamming into her all the while, places his lips where the slope of her neck meets her shoulder and releases a raspy claim of "Mine." Before attaching his lips to the spot.
Clarke sees stars. She can hear herself calling his name, he wasn't kidding when he said he would make her scream and she can hear his groan as he follows her over. He pulls out and she immediately feels the loss. She scoots her body onto the bed and he rolls down beside her panting. Why did they put that off for so long? That was absolutely mind blowing.
He chuckles a little, placing one arm behind his head to look at her, eye shining. His smile is contagious.
"Miller is never going to believe this." He says breathless and she hears herself giggle, a foreign sound. He pulls her close to his side, hand lovingly stroking her sweat soaked hair from her face.
"Raven's totally going to believe it."
"She's gonna have to, you have the evidence all over your neck." He laughs kissing her forehead and her right hand comes up to rub against a mark that feels particularly abused. She shrugs. She can't find it in her to worry about it when Bellamy is holding her with a blinding smile on his face.
"So we're together right?"
"Yes, Clarke, we're together." He confirms with a confident nod. "have been for months now if you ask me."
She doesn't have to ask. She knows now, but she's glad he confirms it none the less.
Please let me know what you think. I haven't written a story from start to finish in a long time. If you leave a review I'll be forever in your debt. Thanks!