This story takes place in the future after the Turtles have stopped the Triceratons from destroying the earth, 'cuz you know they will! An * indicates there will be notes at the end of the chapter.

(WARNING! There will be some coarse language and lewd remarks that you can blame on Raph. Also, this story has accurate science and zoology in it, so for any of you that are under the impression that just because an alien walks on two legs they are similar to humans, prepare to be disillusioned.)

Valentine's Day was, in Raphael's opinion, probably the stupidest idea humanity has ever come up with! The whole thing was a big scam thought up by Greeting Card and Candy companies to trick guys into blowing cash on cheesy junk for girls as a way to express their "love", as if cardstock with sappy poetry and cheap chocolate had any real meaning. Worst of all, it made anyone who didn't have someone to spend money on feel like a total loser. For the life of him, he would never understand humans.

But Donatello did… or at least he liked to think so. Usually around this time of year his genius brother in purple would be pining away over April- trying to scribble down poems that he eventually crumpled up and tossed out, and tinkering for hours in his lab trying to come up with the perfect gift that he would never have the guts to actually give the red-head. It was adorable and sad at the same time.

But not this year, and the reason was a Hockey-stick wielding vigilante named Casey Jones.

Last Friday night April and Casey's high-school had held a "Valentine's Dance" , it wasn't as big a deal as Prom but apparently it was still kind of a big deal that required everyone to get all dressed up, and Casey had asked April to go with him as his date. As in his DATE date. She'd said yes, and as far as Raph was concerned, that made them officially a couple.

That was 2 days ago and Donnie had been miserable ever since.

2 days, 2 whole frustrating days of having to watch his brother alternate between being completely numb like some kind of turtle-zombie and looking like he's in mourning with his head hung low as he slowly shuffled from room to room- He hadn't seen any actual tears yet and he was really hoping that it wouldn't come to that, he wasn't sure if he could handle sobbing.

Splinter had said that their brother needed time to come to terms with things and to allow him to cope in his own way. If they were patient, he would open up when he was ready and would return to his usual self.

Yeah, that was easy for Sensei to say; he could just meditate and block out the noise of Donnie sighing and whimpering like some kicked puppy as he moped around the lair. The rest of them weren't so lucky;

Mikey had somehow gotten the idea that food could fix anything and had spent the last two days assaulting their senses with his own horrifying array of "gourmet" creations that he was sure would distract Donnie from his heartache. It made sense; indigestion has a way of distracting you from a lot of things.

(Seriously though, macaroni & cheese on pepperoni pizza he would've been fine with, if Mikey had used actual butter instead of that whipped strawberry cream cheese April had left in the fridge, and if Mikey hadn't decided it would taste best served as a smoothie, and where the heck did he even GET sauerkraut?!)

Unfortunately the news about April and Casey had pretty much killed Donatello's appetite and he had declined almost all meals the past couple of days. And since their Father was adamant about not letting food go to waste, no matter how disgusting, it had been up to him and Leo to clean up Donnie's uneaten plates.

Raph swore if Mikey didn't stop trying to be so supportive soon, he was going to beat the green off him.

Lame-o-nardo had of course agreed with Splinter on giving Donatello his space, though he made it a point to ask the genius if he needed anything, like, every other hour, and each time Donnie put on his "brave soldier" face and insisted he was fine. Then like friggin' clockwork, big bro would squeeze his shoulder and tell him that he was there for him if he ever wanted to talk, and then walk way like he'd won some kind of award for "Best Supportive Sibling".

Leo was positive that all his efforts were really getting through to the resident nerd, and insisted that they just needed to give Donnie a little time and he would let this whole April-and-Casey-thing go, even though that hypocrite still got all moony-eyed every time the subject of Karai came up.

Honestly, what did Fearless-Leader know about letting things go?

Not that Raph's own approach had been any better. It wasn't any worse either. If the Brainiac didn't want to talk about it that was his business. If he wanted to be a pouty little hatchling, let him. The sooner he got it all out of his system the better. As long as Donnie didn't bother him, Raph would return the favor. But as luck would have it, he never seemed to get what he wanted.

It's like the whole damn Universe had it out for him or something.

All the red banded turtle wanted to do was go a few rounds on the punching bag in peace before he hit the showers and got ready for bed. That wasn't so much to ask, was it? Well apparently it was because for some reason the turtle he was trying to avoid decided that, despite having the entire lair at his disposal, the seat closest to the punching bag was the perfect place to sit and pretend to research something on his computer while he sulked about April.

It's not like Raph was trying to be insensitive. He wasn't heartless, and it's not like he didn't understand somewhat of what his bro was going through, Shell, he had first-hand experience! Donnie would get over April, just like he had gotten over Mona-

He paused his fist mid-strike in front of the punching bag and he scowled at the mere thought of her name. Just thinking about her and his fleeting crush still gave him a headache. Actually, most of his memories of outer space gave him a headache…

They were just too different.

He had given it his best shot, honest he had. Heck, he'd even gone so far as to stop and think things through instead of just rushing into things like he would normally do. He'd liked Mona, a lot, and he didn't want to screw things up with another "handshake of war" fiasco, so as soon as they'd had a moment alone on a relatively peaceful re-fueling station planet without certain annoying little brothers making kissy faces at them, he'd started asking her questions.

He knew she was strong, beautiful (honestly, humans didn't do it for him) and she liked fighting, which was awesome, but he'd wanted to know more… and he wasn't too thrilled with what he learned.

For all the crap he gave his bros, they were important to him- ok, not just important, they were his entire damn world and he needed to know if Mona Lisa valued family as much as he did, so that seemed like the safest place to start in the whole "get to know you" plan.

Boy had he been wrong on that one.

He had tried, and failed miserably not to cringe when she casually told him how she had originally had 5 brothers, 3 of which her mother ate, and 3 sisters, 2 of which SHE ate when they were just tadpoles. The tadpole thing had shocked him, honestly he thought that tadpoles were baby frogs, but in reality all amphibians start out like that. Another shocker; Salamandrians are amphibians- he'd honestly thought she was some kind of lizard lady, a reptile like him.

The whole cannibal thing was almost enough to make him toss his lunch but she didn't seem to think eating her brothers and sisters was a big deal, (when he asked the Fugitoid about it later he said it was common in all species of "Salamandra Genus" and it was seen as a cultural practice to prevent overpopulation as well as to ensure that only the strongest of the species prevailed) so he'd tried to change the subject by asking about her mom.

That had also been disappointing; as far as she knew, her mother was alive. That was it. Her people didn't really form close relationships with their parents. There was simply no need. It seemed so… cold.

At the time, he'd felt super uncomfortable as he tried to block out memories of his own father and the pain of seeing him fall at the hands of the Shredder. That was still so fresh; even though they were in the middle of changing the past to prevent it from happening, it still felt so raw in his mind- The thought of possibly failing to save the Earth, of failing to save Splinter, it was too much. Mona Lisa wouldn't have understood what he was going through so he tried his best not to let it show.

At the risk of offending her, he had asked if she had any close relationships- that had led to another shocker…

Apparently most Salamandrians preferred to live and travel alone; only interacting with one another when necessary as her people were very independent and self-sufficient, but it was not uncommon for them to form a "bonded pair" such as the case with her and her Commander.

That had his gut twisting into knots. Wondering if he had assumed too much, he asked if she and (he thinks his name was something-Thraka maybe?) were an "item" which led into another conversation of trying to explain what an "item" was…. Some things just didn't translate.

From what he understood, Mona and Sal Commander were occasionally mates, but their bond was far deeper than that, it was a form of "social monogamy". They were both free to mate with others should one come along that caught their interest, but they would always remain faithful to one another. They were life partners.*

That one had hurt. Sure, turtles weren't exactly a one-person-for-the-rest-of-your-life species, but he wasn't just a turtle, he was part human too, and he'd been raised like a human. What she was describing sounded too much like a married couple who were ok with their spouse having an affair every now and then. Even if that was normal for her, he wasn't sure he liked the idea. It felt… kinda sleazy.

Ok, so they had different values and there was a huge culture shock, but hey, people who grow up in different countries get together all the time, don't they? He just had to learn to work around a few things…

So what if she was a cannibal? Who cared if he wouldn't be the only one she had eyes for? And so what if she was older than him by like, 12 Earth years? (Actually, that one was kind of a perk knowing how much it would piss Leo off) What was the big deal if she… ate… mostly bugs… that kinda looked like space cockroaches… That didn't matter! All that didn't define who she was! And it certainly wasn't any reason why they couldn't still make it work.

No, there was an even bigger reason.

Again, not knowing anything about how alien cultures worked, Raph had just assumed that the whole nose-touching-thing was their version of kissing. The fact that Mona wanted to do it a lot had him convinced she was really into him. It was Professor Honeycutt who cleared up that particular misunderstanding. (And damn that cyborg, why couldn't he have mentioned this shit before?)

Salamandrians were a lot like earth Salamanders, as in a LOT a lot. Females press their nostrils to the male's face 'cuz that's were some pheromone gland or something is. Mona Lisa wasn't going for a make-out fest, she was trying to detect his scent to see if he was ready to mate, and being that he wasn't a Salamander, she wasn't finding it.

That first bit had been a bummer, but the second part had him interested. The fact that she was trying smell him meant that she was interested in going "all the way" so he was right and she WAS really into him! Knowing that, he decided that he wanted a kiss, and this time he was going to be the one to take the initiative and show her how they did things Earth-style.

That was when everything pretty much went to crap.

The first few times he had met up with Mona Lisa and they touched noses, he had felt queasy a couple of hours afterwards, he wasn't sure if that was just nerves or the fact that space travel in general made him nauseas, but he never really thought too much about it. Looking back now, he would kick himself for being so stupid.

Kissing Mona Lisa had been a complete disaster, and not just because the weird shape of her mouth made it super awkward… Just like any other Salamander, Mona Lisa had a layer of slime that covered her entire body (ok, technically the Professor said it was "mucus" and that's what allowed her to breathe, but in Raph's opinion "slime" sounded a lot less gross than being covered in snot) and it was extremely toxic.

Less than 2 hours after their "first kiss" and he locked himself in the ships bathroom as his insides erupted out of both ends. Casey had thought it was hilarious, and Raph would have been happy to pound the Hockey player's face in for all the "porcelain dance partner" jokes he was making, except that his lips and tongue had gone completely numb and all of his muscles felt like they had turned into pudding. Donnie said he was lucky to be alive.

When he had recovered enough to stand up on his own without muscle spasms or wanting to puke his guts out, he asked the Professor how the heck Salamandrians ever had any kids when they were covered in poisonous slime? What the cyborg described had not been pleasant, but it had relieved him of any fears of Sal Commander and Mona Lisa wanting a "threesome".

In fact, he was pretty sure that their ideas of sex were on completely different levels, considering the males of their species didn't even have a penis, not in the sense that Raph knew it anyway. Penetration of any kind was completely non-existent.

That had been the end of it.

He may not be considered the most patient turtle, but a long distance relationship where he would always be second fiddle (or third, or fourth) with a cannibalistic chick who ate space roaches, who he couldn't kiss without vomiting and getting explosive diarrhea, and who's idea of "4th base" was him oozing his Jizz onto a pile of leaves for her to rub herself off against was too much for ANYBODY to handle. *

That wasn't a relationship, it was a friggin' nightmare!

Honestly, he had thought telling Mona Lisa that he wasn't interested in being her "tadpole daddy" would've been a lot harder than it was. He half expected her to get pissy and rip his head off. Like, literally rip it off. But once again she surprised him and even called him honorable for being honest with her. Go figure.

He didn't know why so many songs went on about breaking-up being hard to do; it was disappointing, sure, but he'd gotten over it in less than a week.

Everyone had been pretty supportive, more or less;

April had gotten all wishy-washy and sympathetic, while at the same time elbowing Casey hard in the ribs and glaring at him whenever he sniggered about the reasons why Raph and Mona weren't a match.

Mikey had been too supportive, smothering him with unwanted hugs at random times of the day while saying "I'm here for you bro!" That was great and all, but why couldn't he be there for him somewhere else?

Leo didn't think any of it was funny, he hadn't been clingy or looked at him with pity and Raph was extremely grateful for that. What he hadn't appreciated was Leo's confident attitude, insisting that Raph would get over it in no time, it was probably all for the best, and besides they had other things to worry about, like finding the remaining pieces of the Black Hole Generator before the Triceratons did.

Okay, he'd been right about all of it, but he didn't have to be so damn smug about it.

As for Professor Honeycutt, "supportive" wasn't exactly the word he'd use… More like curious. He wanted to know what Raph had expected the result to be, as if it were like some kind of messed up science experiment and then went so far as to list all the reasons why an alien amphibian species and a mutated Terran reptile* were incompatible…. As if Raph didn't have enough reasons.

Donatello had jumped into the conversation and excitedly went on and on with the Professor discussing the differences between mutants and beings that had naturally evolved from primitive species, going on about how even though Humans evolved from primates into something far more intelligent with opposable thumbs, their basic reproductive systems and their familial- (something that sounded like "Higher Ark-ies?"*) and behaviors have remained the same.

He also highly suspected that if they had not been mutated but naturally evolved into sentient beings, they would also have 5 fingers and toes on each hand and foot like normal turtles instead of being (sin..sin-dack… some long word for why they only have 6 fingers and 6 toes!*) and would probably have horizontal slits in their pupils instead of the round ones they had now that resembled a human's. They would most likely also have beaks, and would probably display more instinctual turtle like behaviors and blah blah blah science mumbo jumbo.

Raph didn't really bother to stick around to listen to the conversation once it was clear it was no longer about his relationship troubles. If anything, he decided it best to leave the Brainiac and the Professor to their discussion before their "geek speak" started to piss him off.

He didn't know why, but for some reason the fact that Donnie wasn't even willing to acknowledge his ordeal with Mona had really gotten on his nerves.

But that was in the past; the Earth was saved, Splinter was fine, they were all back home and Mona Lisa was out of his life for good. As far as he was concerned, they should keep ALL women out of their lives for good- they were nothing but trouble! They had working hands and could take care of their own urges whenever they needed and it wouldn't involve half the drama that came with having to put up with a female.

He couldn't think of one positive thing that had ever come out of him or his bro's having a "thing" for a girl- Mona Lisa, Karai, Renet, April, they were all a hassle! All they did was poison them with toxic goo, vow to kill them before pulling a Princess Leia* then get mind-controlled into wanting to kill them again, send them hurtling back in time and then LOSING them there, or…or….

Or breaking his brother's heart.

He glanced back at Donatello's form, slumped over his laptop, his eyes glazed over not even registering whatever it was that was on the screen as he listlessly scrolled through the pages, occasionally letting out deep, lamentful sighs of lost love.

Raph rubbed a hand over his face and let out a deep sigh of his own, one of his patience nearing its limit.

Okay, he had to admit, their situations weren't entirely the same.

Donnie had been crushing hard on the human for way longer than Raph had even known Mona Lisa (or Giff-Ba, or whatever her name actually was). The risks his bro had taken; jumping out of helicopters, taking on "Chrome Dome," Karai, and a squadron of foot bots by himself- the crazy plans he had made; flow charts and music boxes, all to make the red-head happy were all way beyond anything Raph would have been willing to do for the Salamander.

Sure, he'd mocked all of Donnie's efforts to impress April at first, but after seeing his bro nearly get himself killed on a solo mission to rescue April's dad from a secret Kraang Base, just to prove to the sai wielder his feelings for the girl weren't as "sadorable" as they all thought, Raph had backed off. Heck, he even tried to buy Donnie some time by running interference with Casey every now and then.

Not that he thought Donnie actually had any kind of chance; Casey and April hooking up was inevitable, they'd all known that since day one. All he wanted to do was give Donnie some time to realize that as well, time to get over April on his own before those two got together so it wouldn't hurt so much.

Donatello was supposed to be the "smart one" after all, and Raph couldn't understand why his bro couldn't see that he and April were just too different to ever make things work.

Despite what the Kraang had done to her, for the most part April was human and had grown up a normal human life surrounded by other normal humans. There was absolutely no reason for her to find a mutant turtle attractive. Not that he'd ever talked to her about it, but he was pretty sure that April probably wanted normal human things in life, like getting married to a guy she could be seen in public with and having a couple of kids. Girls were into that kind of thing, right?

None of those things were anything that Donnie could give her. The most Donnie could offer was a nice cozy pad in the sewers and all the algae and worms she could eat. Yeah, he can practically see the ladies lining up now.

And even if by some, odd, impossible chance April was okay with never having a family of her own and living underground as an outcast from society and everything she's ever known, there was still one teeny tiny problem. Okay, more like a huge problem. It was the same problem Raph had had with the Salamandrian warrior.

Donnie and April could never actually "be together" in the same way a man and a woman can be together.

While he and his bros weren't exactly as well-endowed as their un-mutated cousins, they were still way above any human standard in both length and girth. From what he'd seen, the shape was off too. And though he doubted his brother had gotten his information from porn like Raph had, he was sure Donnie had studied enough textbooks on human anatomy to come to the same conclusion as him.

It didn't take a genius to figure out that if tab "A" couldn't fit into slot "B", those pieces were not meant to go together.

That knowledge seemed to be of little comfort to his immediate younger brother though as he let out yet another pitiful exhale that seemed to echo off the walls of the lair, filling every nook and cranny of the abandoned subway station with an oppressive gloom.

Sewer Apples, he had to do SOMETHING.

Raph wasn't a turtle for small talk, but at this point ANYTHING would be better than… whatever this was. It was worth a shot anyway;

The turtle in red gave the punching bag another volley of hits for good measure, trying to act as if he'd just been taking a break and not distracted by the depressing atmosphere that seemed to follow Donatello wherever he went. What he needed was an ice-breaker, something subtle that would get his bro talking but would avoid certain topics that were too painful to touch right now.

Sneaking a side glance at the laptop computer that only barely seemed to hold Donnie's attention, Raph decided that was as good a place to start as any. Stopping his assault on the bag, he made a show of stretching out his arms, hoping to come off as casual as possible while he went through a basic routine.

"So, Egg-head, what'cha working on?"

Several seconds crawled by and Raph wondered if the purple banded turtle had even heard him. Two heartbeats later Donnie finally decided to acknowledge him with a quick shrug of his shoulders, not even bothering to look away from the screen.

"Stuff."

Stuff. That was it. No mile-a-minute ramblings of technical jargon, no wordy descriptions of some new wild theory that needed testing, no detailed calculations that somehow included not just numbers but letters of the alphabet, not even a snarky complaint of his never ending to-do-list of security upgrades or vehicle maintenance.

Just stuff.

Apparently stuff was all Donatello had to contribute to the conversation because once again the room was filled with an uncomfortable near-silence that was dampened slightly by the creaking of the chain holding up the neglected punching bag as it finally slowed its swaying motion to a halt and the occasional automated "ping" that came from the Space Heroes pinball machine on the far side of the room.

The only other sound was the grinding of Raph's back teeth.

This whole thing sucked.

He wanted to be happy for his friends; Even if he was a total bone head, Casey was a good guy who would never let anything happen to April, and April was pretty cool, she'd really stuck her neck out for the turtles these past couple of years, heck at this point she was almost like a sister to them, and those two made an awesome team. They were happy together, and Raph WANTED them to be happy together.

….But he wanted Donnie to be happy too, dammit!

He wanted Donnie to type away like a mad man on his lap top with that goofy look on his nerdy face while he gushed about something none of them could understand. He wanted to see the geek lost in his own little world while he fiddled with some piece of junk with his tongue sticking out between his teeth. He wanted to hear his sarcastic remarks aimed at Leo, he wanted to hear him snap at Mikey before tossing the little nut-ball out of his lab, and he wanted to hear the genius call him a meat head...

He wanted his brother back.

But since when did Raphael ever get what he wanted?

Once again, the Universe decided to rub dirt in his face, as his bō wielding bro decided that was the right time to gather up his computer and shuffle out of the room without so much as a word or a glance in Raph's direction. The latter could only stare, stunned at the former's rude departure.

Donatello just brushed him off. Here he was, trying to be nice and supportive, and Donatello just BRUSHED HIM OFF.

Keeping his fists down at his sides and clenching his teeth so tight he thought his molars would crack, Raph slowly counted to 10 as he tried to keep the growing rage at bay. Donnie wasn't in his right mind right now, he was still upset over April and pummeling him into the floor wasn't going to help…. Much.

Green eyes narrowed with new found determination, and he made his decision right then and there. He would give Donatello 'till the end of the week before Raph crashed his little pity party. He was going to get his brother back, whether the genius liked it or not.

To Be Continued in a week….

*Yes this is a real thing with salamanders. I'm not making this stuff up people, google "Social monogamy in a territorial salamander" by Gillette JR, Jaeger RG, and Peterson MG- it's an article published by the Department of Biology, University of Louisiana.

*Turtles are not amphibians they are reptiles. If you don't know the difference between a reptile and an amphibian you need to go to the library ASAP because that is sad beyond belief.

*No joke, there are two ways that Salamanders mate depending if they are more land based or water based; for the latter, the female lays eggs and then the male fertilizes them (kind of like fish) or the male secretes his sperm onto a bed of leaves or sticks, then the female scoots her body across it. Seriously, why would alien Salamanders have anatomy similar to humans? They evolved from amphibians, not primates.

*Hierarchies, a system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to status or authority- in this case it's talking about the family pecking order.

*The word Raph is looking for is Syndactles, which is the plural form of someone with Syndactyly, a genetic condition, a mutation, that causes people to be born with their fingers and or toes fused together, making it appear as if they are missing digits.

*Princess Leia, you know, the chick from Star Wars? Kissed Luke and then later we learn she's his sister? If you don't understand how this relates to Leo and Karai then you haven't been keeping up with the series and I can't help you.