Snow White
Disclaimer: Nopers, don't own Final Fantasy OR Disney... Yet, Muahahaha!!!!

Note: This is a collaboration project between my friend, Pam, and I. So keep in mind that this is my work as well as Pam's! Oh, and I know someone else has done Snow White and the Seven Moogles, but, well, this is waaaay different and it's something that has been floating around in our little twisted minds for quite some time now, so... Yeah. R&R and enjoy! Oh, and as for the bit of Kuja bashing... I'm allowed to do that, because I love him! So there!

Final Fantasy 9 presents: Snow White

Cast of Characters:
Snow White: Garnet

Prince Charming: Zidane

The Evil Que--er, King: Kuja

The Magic Mirror: Steiner

The Huntress: Lani

The Narrator: Ruby

Dwarves:

Flirty: Eiko

Haughty (as opposed to "Hottie"): Amarant

Bashful: Vivi

Hungry: Quina

Bossy: Puck

Empathy: Freya

Apathy: Mikoto

(Act 1)

(Enter Ruby)

Ruby: Once upon a time, there wus a king an' a queen an' togetha they had a baby, who they named Snow White, 'cuz her skin wus white as snow. One day, howeva, th' king died so th' queen remarried, only ta die shortly afta, leavin' th' kingdom to her husband.

Th' king wus as narcissistic as he wus evil, an' ever day he looked in his magic mirra ta make sure he wus still th' fairest in th' land--which he wus.

(Exit Ruby)

(The scene changes to show a dark, foreboding room. In one corner is a mirror, from which Steiner is clearly visible. Enter Kuja.)

Kuja (Lazily): Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?

(Steiner's face in the mirror lights up, illuminated by a light that is obviously placed beneath him)

Steiner: Though beauty such as yours is rare (coughs), I fear Snow White is twice as fair.

Kuja: Khehehe! Oh, what comedy! Surely you jest! (Notices Steiner's dead serious face and quirks an eyebrow) What? Have an explanation? Because you do know that I could quite easily find a replacement for you...

Steiner (Mechanically): What I say is true, for comedy is something I do not do.

Kuja (Crosses his arms stubbornly): Hmph. I don't believe you. Last time I saw her she was an ugly duckling.

Steiner: And then she reached puberty...

Kuja (Stunned): Ahahaha... Right. So, you mean to tell me that... That... I'm no longer the fairest in the land? All this work... All those fitness programs... Were for nothing!? What irony! I've been overshadowed by my own step-daughter! (In a flash of light, he had gone Trance) If I can't be the fairest, no one can! I won't let that happen! That wouldn't be fair, now would it?

Steiner: Kuja...?

Kuja: FLARE!

(Sadly, the Flare reflects off the mirror and bounces back at him. It hits him and knocks him across the room)

Kuja (Clutching his nose): Damn you! You ruined my nose job, you enchanted piece of-!

Steiner: Nose job...?

Kuja (Standing and brushing himself off): Oh, yes. I know this great place where they give you everything from nose jobs to-

Ruby (Cutting in and whispering): Um, fellas, yer gonna lose a job if ya don't get back on track!

Kuja: Oh... Heh... (Clears throat) Oh, yes, um... Anyway... I must destroy this Snow White! (Aside) I must wonder... Is this poor girl lacking a tan or something? Hmm... I'll have to look into it...

(At the mention of Snow White, Steiner leaves his post behind the mirror and begins to run crazily around the room)

Steiner: WHAT!? What evil deeds are you plotting against the prin-er, Snow White?? Tell me at once, you scum! You scoundrel! You rogue! You-!

Kuja (Rolls eyes): Would you stop that? Oh, that's right! Stop!

(Steiner freezes in mid-step as Stop is cast on him)

Kuja (Tosses hair): Hmph. That's what I thought!

(Enter Ruby)

Ruby: An' so, King Kuja went about thinkin' about how best ta get ridda Snow White who, in th' meantime, sat innocent an' oblivious in th' castle gardens...

(Exit Ruby)

(Scene changes to reveal Snow White/Garnet in the castle gardens, sitting at the edge of a well while singing softly)

Snow White/Garnet: ...Though you're gone, I still believe that you can caaaaall out my naaaame! A voice from the past (A new masculine voice suddenly joins in) joining yours and mine, adding up the layers of harmony! And so it goes on and-OH!

(She stops and gasps, spinning around dramatically when she realizes someone is singing with her. She gasps again when she spies a charming, dashing young blonde-haired, blue-eyed prince... With a tail.)

(She then turns and runs into the castle, rushing up the stairs and to the balcony where she can appreciate him from a distance.)

Prince/Zidane (Watching her from below): Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your-

Snow White/Garnet (Cutting in in a whisper): No, that's not it! It's... (In a normal stage voice) Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Prince/Zidane (Whispers): No, that's not it! Isn't this the part where I'm supposed to fly in through the window?

Snow White/Garnet: No! You're supposed to-

Ruby (Cutting in sharply): Yer both wrong! This is Snow White, remember?

Garnet and Zidane (In unison): Oh, yeah...

(They both stare at each other blankly, silent. A cricket chirps, a pin drops.)

Ruby (Exasperated): Oh, ferget it!

(Curtain lowers.)

(End Act 1)

*~*~*~*~*~*

So, whatcha think? Like? No Like? Want us to continue? R&R and tell us what you think! No flames, though! =^.^=

*~Rhiannon McHugh and Pam Broderick~*

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