The promises we made were not enough
(Never play the game again)
The prayers that we have prayed were like a drug
(Never gonna hit the air)
The secrets that we sold were never known
(Never sing a song for you)
The love we had, the love we had, we had to let it go.
(Never giving in again, Never giving in again)

Something she specially enjoyed was to sit on her comfy sofa, pour some good wine on a glass and listen to some good music in the dark letting the notes and the melodies take her away from her world, isolating her from everything and anything that may be happening on her life at the moment. It'd been a while since the last time she did that so it felt double good when that night she went to her living room on her favorite pajamas, after taking a relaxing bath with only candles to light her bathroom. She grabbed the bottle she bought earlier that day and pressed the play button on the remote control of the sound system. The first song was one Elvis's, and she loved it at the same time that something inside her twitched.

That evening's events still had her on edge, trying to figure out what the hell she should do next. She had been like this for some months now, not even knowing when she started to feel this way towards him, but either it had to stop and bury all of that deep down inside her or she had to take a decisive step, one that would change everything forever and there wouldn't be a turning back from that. She was a mess, everything was a mess. And it was her fault as much as it was his.

Since Slade was put down everything was calm in Starling, which was a very odd feeling. Felicity was already used to fight crime, to defeat bad people and felt proud to be part of the Team doing such things. But for the past few months the crime ratings kept going down, which meant that the Arrow was doing a good job and the city was save once again thanks to him. The hours in the foundry started to be less intense and more about Roy being trained by Oliver and Diggle, with herself looking at them trying to pick one or two moves or doing some 'computer stuff' – as Roy used to call it – to upgrade the system, follow some lead, or be in touch with Central City to be updated on Barry's medical condition. She talked to Caitlin a lot lately and both of them felt like a good friendship was blossoming, something they loved since neither of them have kept many friends lately. Specially Felicity. Everyone she had been in touch with in Queen Consolidated were on vacations or didn't talk to her anymore after what had happened when Mr. Oliver Queen lead the company to the bad state it was at the moment and they had lost their jobs as a result. But the problem was that Caitlin was too far away from her, so the only way Felicity had to have a couple of drinks to help her relax and maybe start to solve everything on her mind was this: alone in her apartment trying to figure out things on her own, as she had done for most part of her life.

Oliver was acting weird around her since they got back from Lian Yu after leaving Slade imprisoned there. She even felt he was flirting with her from time to time, which she loved at first, thinking it was a goofy thing, nothing serious, a partners inside joke or something like that. But as soon as she caught John and Roy smiling under their breaths every now and then when 'it' happened she started to understand that maybe it was not simply a joke, maybe it wasn't just a flirty thing. What if he was really starting to put his eyes on her? What could she do? If anyone had seen Oliver going through relationships since he got back from the island, it was her. And none of them had ended up well. She didn't want to be another one he could put on his list, she didn't want to be 'that I.T. girl who got a promotion and then had a thing with her CEO'. Absolutely not. And that was the weight she had been carrying on her shoulders for all summer, as long as it was.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Everything went back to her in that instant: how he had caressed her arm hours ago, how anyone else had noticed his silent move and how she froze at his touch. She had been paralyzed without knowing the reason. Just a simple touch like that, his look fixed on hers and she'd felt something inside her making 'click', like pieces that hadn't been together for a long time coming finally together. During those few seconds she felt that again in her chest, that maybe it could happen again. And then it was gone, he let her go, letting her know with his eyes what he couldn't say out loud.

It was her turn. The question now was if she could make a move or not. That was the battle she had to hide inside her. Why everything had to be so complicated? It was not fair at all. The whole situation would have been unimaginable a year ago yet here she was, having a complicated argument with herself inside her head about his former boss, about his collegue, about the man she had fallen in love with because that was the utter truth even if she didn't want to admit it completely. And that was exactly what scared her the most; she had fell only once in her life before and it ended up very badly for both of the parts involved. That experience had been a turning point in her life and she had made a promise to herself: to never let anyone who wasn't worth it get near her again, anyone who could make her suffer like that. And deep down she knew that this was not the case, but one thing is thinking and knowing it and another very different is letting the whole thing happen and take the risk.

She took another sip from her glass, letting more songs get through her.

Who was she trying to fool? She knew perfectly fine that maybe it wasn't perfect and perhaps it wouldn't be easy, that maybe she would get hurt sometimes and he would possibly get on her nerves. Maybe she would be even more nervous each night he spent out there doing the right thing from now on. But it was time for her to stop dangling maybes inside her head and took a final decision, a call that she had already taken months ago when her heart started to go faster whenever he was near her and she could feel a thousand of butterflies in her stomach. Deep down it was crystal clear. She needed it to happen because both of them deserved an opportunity to be happy. Together.

And Felicity went to bed that night knowing that at the next day she would show him she felt the same, that she was in that ship with him, that they could finally give it a try and that she was putting all her long ago shattered heart into it. A heart that he put back together without knowing it when she thought it was impossible to love again, especially someone like him. But she had been wrong. She was in love with him like she hadn't been with anyone else in her entire life. A love that felt right, that completed her. Every little thing that had happened between them meant something. And as soon as she accepted his offer to have dinner together she could see that it was the same for him, she could see a light inside of him for the first time.

Everything went to hell during their first date but the way he kissed her at the hospital made her feel like it was a true love kiss but also how it could mean the end to her. Oliver loved her, she knew that, but he couldn't bear the thought of putting her in danger and she was aware of that too. But it pissed her off at the same time and she had let him know about her feelings and how she wanted more of life, hoping that he would understand that it had to be with him. Because there was no way in hell that she could carry on with her life leaving him behind, forgetting what had happened. If she was going to fight, she needed to know he would fight too.

She now remembered how silly she had been thinking that Palmer maybe was the exit way and he could help her forget Oliver. But you can't forget your true love, now she knew.
She now remembered how Oliver told her that he loved her and that it was one of the few things he knew for sure in his life. Now she remembered everything clear and painfully. Now that it was too late.

Felicity took a deep breath, letting the air suck into her lungs, those memories washing over her, devastating and breaking her into a million pieces. She knew she was supposed to feel something, but the only thing inside of her was a big and dark emptiness.

The floor was cold and the only light on was the one on her desk right beside a weapon Malcom Merlyn had brought some hours ago. Diggle and Roy had left the foundry after hearing the news and, to be honest, she didn't really care where they were at the moment. She needed to be alone.
Raising her head she looked at the black bow. He was gone. He didn't keep his promise this time: he was not coming back. Tears kept forming in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks while every single dream she had kept to herself for a long time, crushed her over and over again.

"Oliver Queen is dead". Four words she will never forget and that had changed everything leaving her motionless. A sentence that broke Felicity Smoak like anything else in the universe could do.

It didn't matter how much time passed, she would never be able to accept that it was actually happening. Not now and maybe not ever. And she cried because of that, because the denial was even worse than letting it be true, she couldn't do it. The idea of not hearing his voice or seeing his smile again was too much. His blue eyes would never look into hers again and that simple thought wrecked her soul.
Automatically she touched her chest and out of the blue she finally let out a scream that was loaded with part of the pain she was feeling. Right after that she was really crying, sobbing and hugging the green hood like if it was a precious gem that hold the only ray of light in her life. She let out the anger, the oppressive pain that was threatening to not let her breathe. The scent of Oliver was still impregnated on that piece of cloth and she whispered to no one: 'you never failed this city, you never failed us, please come back…'

She didn't hear the sound of the door opening nor heard Roy getting near her. She was still on the floor, by her side was the fern and on her hands the hood. Roy Harper was young and had been through a lot but he had never, ever seen someone like that. Felicity was a shadow of herself and he didn't know what to do to make her feel better because if he couldn't feel better himself, then he couldn't imagine the hell she was going through. So he just sit there by her side, letting her know that she was not alone even if she couldn't see him because the only person she wanted to see and the only person that could bring her back was dead.

Felicity raised her head again and felt Roy's hand on her shoulder. She couldn't see well since her glasses were tossed somewhere near her on the floor but she didn't want to put them on. Like a little child hiding from a monster under the blankets, Felicity didn't want to see anything else than that hood she held dearly. Because maybe there was no monster under her bed but there was a pain even worse than any monster, an agony that she needed to deal with but was way too scared to do so.

- "What now Roy? What do we do now? How do we go on?" – She asked, still sobbing.
- "I don't know blondie. We have to get on our feet again and honor him by protecting the city for him…" – He felt that was the right thing to say.
- "We honor the dead by fighting…" – She whispered, the memory of Oliver under the hood ready to give up on Slade crushing her. She told him that and felt how he understood that he was not done fighting. Now she understood how hard it had been for him. Now she wondered where he found the strength to do it.