KIDS FIT THE TROLLS 2: ACT 5 VS ACT 6

by Great Pikmin Fan

Part of the "SBIG" series and the original eleventh installment, mirrored here from the MSPA forums. A sequel to KIDS FIT THE TROLLS, in case the title was not obvious enough. This is also an intentionally poorly written story where the pre-Act 6 characters get into a conflict with their "counterparts" on... Angel Island.

KIDS FIT THE TROLLS 2: ACT 5 VS ACT 6

Beginning AN:

Day 2 of 3 in my "mirroring" frenzy! This here is the direct sequel to KIDS FIT THE TROLLS, also originally posted on the MSPA forums. Except a lot more recently. (Near the end of 2015, to be specific.)

So another thing I did not realize is that this fic too had its title initially written in all caps, and I forgot that "ACT 5 VS ACT 6" was used as a subtitle. I've been calling it just Act 5 Vs Act 6 until I actually went back and re-read. I tend to have stupididly bad memory when it comes to things like that.

Copypasta away:

Welcome to SBIG! This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admittedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.

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CHAPTER 1 THE ISLAND

It was a peaceful morning in the island of Angel Island. An island that we did not know about in Kids Fight the Trolls, but we will in the sequel which is what this fan fiction is right now.

John was breezing on the top of an airplane, Jade flying this and Dave and Rose in the passenger seats. The trolls each had planes of their own because Alternians were richer than Earthans.

"It's such a shame that Jade, Rose, Dave, and Feferi all lost their God Tier pajamas so now they can't use their powers!" John recapped to the readers, "But hey! It makes it more of a challenge to fight the badguys, and thus more entertaining! But I still have mine!"

Then he jumped off of the plane and put on his God Tier outfit over his normal clotches and flew to the Angel Island because it was part of a mission of Jade's to explore the unusual new island. He then flew faster and past the other planes and onto the island and saw a suspicious rock - BUT THEN SOMEONE NEW BROKE FROM THE ROCK!

It was Meenah, who laughed at John as Meenah jumping out knocked off his God Tier outfit. (But he has his normal clothes underneath) She ran, collected it, then burned it!

"No!" John shouted, "Without my God Tier costumes I can't use my powers!"

"Yeah that's the point punkfucker."

So then Jade and Rose and Dave arrived first and John made his way through the Angel Island zone and he had to be careful because there were some robots around. Because these people were more badass than Sonic the Hedgehog, they cut open the Fire Bot before it could light the island on fire. Actually it was Dave that did that. Good job, Dave, for finally not fucking up.

At the end of Act 2 (of the zone not to be confused with the Acts 5 and 6 that's what this is named after) was the boss: CALIBORN, in a giant fire-shooting robot thing!

"HALT." He said, "IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW, I WORK WITH MEENAH. WE'RE ON THE SAME TEAM. WE ARE CALLED THE ACT 6ES, EVEN IF I WAS MENTIONED BACK IN THE INTERMISSION. AND I SUGGEST YOU COME UP WITH A NAME, OR WE'LL KICK YOUR BUTTS."

Then the Act 5 trolls arrived, and the 16 of them all got into badass stanc es. Well, not 16 more like 15. Because Dave chickened out.

"WE CALL OURSELVES THE ACT 5ES." He cried. Then Caliborn lowered his cannons.

"Shoot!" John said, "Why are you playing his stupid game? And we should be the act 7es, because that's higher than them!"

"TOO LATE!" Caliborn cried, "ALSO I LIED I WILL KICK YOUR BUTTS BUT FIRST I CAN TELL YOU HOW TO BEAT ME. YOU MUST HIT MY COCKPIT EIGHT TIMES."

Dave giggled. "Heh heh, cock. Oh, I mean" he made rooster noises because that's how he ironically reacts to that.

Then the fight was on! The Act 5ers all ninja jumped, like in Naruto, and before Caliborn knew it his machine was blowing up!

"NOOOO!" Caliborn cried, as his little mech popped out of the bigger mech and he flew away. "THIS ISN'T THE END!"

And then he acted like a giant asswipe, by activating his asswipe missles! They were called that because they destroyed all of the crafts used to get there!

Oh and for those wandering, the reason why they stayed on the island was to continue looking around and doing research as part of Jade's mission, even after seeing Meenah, and they decided to stay on foot until the trolls caught up with them, not carring around John since their plane did not actually have enough room?

"WE ARE STRANDED!" Karkat cried. "WE MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"

"Becides stating the obvious?" Rose snarked on him, "Anyway, there might be some clues on this island. It's a very mysterious place."

"LET'S HIJACK THEIR THINGS!" Terezi cheered, "THAT MAKES MORE SENSE!"

Then up on the ledge, they saw Jake!

"tally ho mates," He said, "I am going to jump on this switch, and the bridge you are all on will explode and you will fall to Hydrocity Zone."

But then because of taking the notice, the group shrugged, quickly ran and climbed up the ledge, and knocked Jake on the bridge. Then pushed the button.

"Hydro City?" Asked Rose, "Mmmm... I hate water levels. You can take this one."

Jake screamed "OH TEA AND DRIVING ON THE LEEEEEEEEFT...!" as he fell.

CHAPTER 2: SKIPPED LEVEL 2 HOW MUCH MORE WILL BE SKIPPED?

So they were in Marble Garden. But nothing special happened there: Roxy tried to dig stuff up to get the place to fall on them but instead just almost got crushed by her own cave-in.

By Carnival Night, you might be expecting me to joke about the barrel... well yes they were stuck.

"ENJOYING MY PUZZLE?" Asked Caliborn, who re-appeared. "WELL YEAH YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SOLVE IT! IT WAS DESIGNED BY ME, AND ONLY I KNOW THE ANSWER! IT'S IN MY MIND!"

"In his mind... that's it!" Jade cheered. "We must enter his brain! I have this device that can inception people!"

"HEY! KIDS READ THIS! D:" Dave angered.

"No inception means go within something else recursively, like a dream within a dream. Technically this isn't an inception since we're going in one layer of dreams."

"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DREAM ME... WHEN I AM ALREADY AWAKE-"

Then Nepeta shot a tranquilizer dart at him. He fell out of his cockpit mecha and was asleep. Then Jade hooked up the machine and got the others to join up.

In Caliborn's dreams, it was represented as a distopian city where he was the ruler. It was a distopia because even in his dreams Calibron knows he makes a shitty leader. Like, even the big mean statue of him has been under construction for twenty years so they could only see half of him. The Act 5s went into the library. (The libraries only had pictures and not words since Caliborn hated dialogue but that doesn't make sense seeing his trash talking shit.)

"ERROR!" Shouted the computer. "INTRUDER ALERT! DEPLOY MEMORY GUARDS!"

It looked like 8-bit versions of the four kids! Caliborn Memory JN, Caliborn Memory JD, Caliborn Memory R, and Caliborn Memory D! It was like that Bowser Memory battle from Bowser's Inside Story if you didn't get the joke.

So they did a lot of canon moves like JN just threw tornados at them and JD threw galaxies while R thought about stuff (but in 8-bit since she's just a bit memory) and D made rooster noises a reference to Kids Fight the Trolls the first fic in this series.

Eventually they were defeated and the kids came to a revolution! "WE MUST PUSH DOWN AND UP!"

The trolls facepalmed for not thinking about that! Because that sounded useless! So then the team all got on the barrel and to the control pad (so that the joke about Sonci 3 will translate to this) and pushed the button that was a down arrow, then suddenly it dropped past the obstacle. Caliborn was still asleep, because screw him.

"Wait... WE CAN RIDE THIS THING ALL THE WAY TO THE END!" Shouted Dave, pressing the up button and the sideways button and thus the barrel began takeoff.

So they skipped Ice Caps because most of them hate ice levels (also water levels, they're just not that fond of H2O) and ended up in the Launch Base... WHERE THERE WAS A GIANT METAL SKULL-SHAPED SHIP THINGY! Calliope was standing on it.

"Hellou there! If I couuld counvince youu tou stand right here, it couuld be the key tou stoupping Calibourn!" She said in a not-American accent (since everywhere else in the world has Us after every O).

"Okay but stop talking like that." Karkat said annoyed. "We're in America now."

"Technically, this isn't America. It's Mobeous." Said Kanaya, because she was the smart one along with Rose.

"D'OH!" Cried Karkat.

So then they stood on it. Suddenly, Calliope took off the mask! It was really Caliborn disguised as Calliope all along! Also he woke up fast and got into another ship it turns out the entire Carnival Night Zone was his mecha the whole time I guess you can say he was already here! Also the kids and trolls all got trapped by wires wrapping around them!

"AHAHAHAHA! THAT SPOT I TOLD YOU TO STAND ON WHILE DISGUISED AS CALLIOPE WAS ACTUALLY A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE CAN STAND TO POWER UP MY MACHINE! YOU ARE NOW ALL LIVING BATTERIES FOR THE DEATH SKULL! That's the name of that huge skull ship thing by the way, and it couldn't fly without sixteen living batteries."

Watching onward was the Act 6es!

"THIS WASN'T PART OF OUR PLAN!" Shouted Jane, "THAT SKULL BASTARD TRICKED US! WHAT AN ASS!"

Then from the distance Caliborn made donkey noises because it was ironic.

"We must team up and stop them." Said Dirk, wisely.

CHAPTER 3: ACT 5 AND ACT 6 INSTEAD OF VS?

The Death Skull flew up and took off into outer space! Luckily, Horuss had crafted a nice space mech that flew up there! Neat!

...But there was a forefield under it, because I wanted to stretch this out a bit. So here's a chapter where the field deflects the Act 6s and they fall into one of my favorite areas in Sonic 3 and Knuckles: Mushroom Hill.

They all landed in the summer portion (Though I swear that was supposed to be Spring) with bouncy red mushrooms and there was where the planning should be done.

"So..." Said Damara, "How do we get back?"

"WE MUST DISABLE THE SHIELD GENERATOR!" Said Jake, he's the closest one of these guys to Star Wars and that sounds exactly like cliche Star Wars crap.

"But how will we do that before we get back?"

"We must get back first, then."

"That's what I just said."

"OH CRAP!"

So they were all walking through the Mushroom Hill and suddenly things became Autumn and had blue mushrooms instead. And I know that while the red mushrooms in Mario make you bigger and heal you the blue mushrooms make you smaller and die in one hit. So everyone began shrinking!

Speaking of even more Mario content, remember how the first story featured Petey? Well, suddenly Gooper Blooper jumped in because they're buddies (they're always appearing in the same game).

"Your other mirror-made selves killed my best friend Petey Parana. Now die."

That was a plot twist! That the Act 6es were really made from some magic mirror thing based on the Act 5 counterparts!

"WE'RE TINY!" Screamed Horuss. "It's not like there's anything we can do!"

But he summed up courage as the team was grabbed by a tentacle, punching up Gooper Blooper after he lept off into the sky... but because he punched the thing holding them up they all fell. At least the mini mushroom wore off and they grew back, but Gooper Blooper was now trying to crush them, using his flying powers (in Lost Levels Bllopers can fly) to fly over them.

"We must run away." Said Aranea, because she was good at giving out insurance.

But since there were the bouncy mushrooms around, Gooper Blooper just bounced off of them and flew up into the sky.

"I'LL BE BACK!" He shouted. "AND YOU'LL NOT FORGET THIS!" Then he turned into a star speck.

"Okay. Team, let's look around for a way up." Said Jane.

"Hey, I uh know a few things about this island, as part of my own research, and I think I remembered something." Jake suggested. "There is a hidden palace zone where he can take transporters high in the sky, and from there we can get on the Death Skull without him noticing if we took Horuss's thing he'd by now spot us and shoot. While we were teamed up with Caliborn thinking that he used to be on our side there was a weak spot in his forcefield, from there we can disable the forcefield."

"Okay." Said the rest of the team.

"How will we get to a palace near the center of the earth?" Asked Jane. "I mean modeous."

Horuss punched the ground, leaving a giant crator.

"Dig." He said.

So they did that and entered the Hidden Palace and fought Knuckles and got on the transporter leading up to Sky Sanctuary. HOWEVER, GOOPER BLOOPER DROPPED DOWN ON THEM AGAIN!

"Hi I gripped on to the plaforms up here since those mushrooms bounced me way up here. Now it's time to die for killing my boyfriend."

So he threw a lot of goop down and was very difficult more difficult than he was in Paper Mario Sticker Star without using his weakness. Suddenly, Jane thought about going on the phone and pestering John.

GG: Hey John did you kill Petey.
EB: no but i kicked him in the groin

Jane realized! "Petey is still alive you don't have to avenge him. John just kicked him."

"Oh! Why didn't you say so? Yeah, we kick eachother in the groin all the time! Because that's what brothers like us do!"

"Can you give us a lift to the Death Skull?" Asked Damara. "AND BY THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE BATTERY WHICH IS CONVENIENTLY WHERE THE SHIELD GENERATOR IS SO WE CAN DISABLE IT WITHOUT HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE HSIELD GENRATOR!"

"Got it! To make up for me attacking you for almost no reason."

And then he threw them with his tentacles over to where the Death Skull was! And then Mituna hacked into the shield generator, disabling it. BUT THEY STILL HAD TO GO ALL AROUND IT TO FREE THE ACT 5S!

CHAPTER 4: THE DEATH SKULL!

For some reason Caliborn put a lot of gravity puzzles in the Death Skull. The Act 5s and Act 6s were flipping around a lot trying to get rightside up and find eachother.

This took a while, but once they encountered one-another, they one side was upside down from the other!

"Shoot." Said John. "We must flip our own gravity to be right."

"Why should we?" asked Rose, "These guys tried to kill us."

"WE'RE GOOD NOW!" Cried Jake, "WE JUST FREED YOU FROM CALIBORN'S BATTERY THING!"

"Oh, okay then." Shrugged Rose.

There was a switch that could re-flip gravity! So Horuss pushed it... and suddenly both teams flipped, which meant that they were both still upside down from the other.

"Fuck this I'm hacking." Said Sollux.

Then he flew over to the control pannel and set the gravity to "rightside up" for everyone, unfortunately neither group was rightside up they were both sideways the whole time so they ended up falling sideways, in the direction of a pipe, where they were ejected right into Caliborn's throne room.

"HA HA HA!" Shouted Caliborn, "I AM GOT YOU NOW! EXACTLY AS MY ULTIMATE PLAN! NOW, DIE!"

"BUT YOU DON'T HAVE BATTERY AND SCIENCE SAYS THIS WILL CRASH WITHOUT BATTERY!" Jade explained.

"OH SHIT!"

And then the Death Skull started sinking through the air and crashed back on the volcano. But, Caliborn ran over under the throne (get it it's a reference to Under the Dome) and whipped out something special... A CRYSTAL!

"THIS WAS THE OTHER THING I WAS USING THE ACT 5S TO POWER! THE CROSSOVER CRYSTAL! WITH IT I'LL HAVE AN ARMY OF OTHER CHARACTERS THAT I'LL USE TO RULE THE WORLD!"

This was also what Dave used earlier to power his portal gun from the first part Caliborn just stole it when Dave wasn't looking.

"NOW I JUST NEED THE POWER OF THE AMSTER EMERALD... WHICH IS RIGHT BELOW US!" Caliborn laughed, pushing the "eject" button and shooting him down there along with everyone else. They all swiped jetpacks from the coat rack so that they wouldn't die.

CHAPTER 5 THE CROSSOVER CRYSTAL!

Everyone went back to Hidden Palace, where Caliborn threw up the seven Chaos Emeralds, and they turned into the Super Emeralds, and then he gently placed the Crossover Crystal on the Master Emerald! The light from the Super Emeralds shone brightly and suddenly a big fancy spinning portal was opened up... LEADING TO CARTOON NETWORK! It was like Who Framed Roger Rabbit! but there's no Jessica and no controversy about no panties and no scary yellow guy that gave me nightmares.

But it was mostly the villains of their shows like Katz (Cowardly Dog the Triforce of Courage) and Endive (Chowder) and Mojo (Powerpuff Girls) and Aku (Samurai Jack) and Peridot (Um that one's a spoiler) and Plankton (Spongebob) and Mr Crocker (FAIRY GOD PARENTS! like he says the title). Also others.

"DUMBASS!" Shouted Karkat, "YOU KNOW THAT WE ALSO HAVE HEROES ON OUR SIDE TOO! THINGS AREN'T REALLY TURNED TO YOUR SIDE, IN FACT SOME SHOWS LIKE CLARENCE DON'T EVEN REALLY HAVE MAIN VILLAINS BUT A LOT OF HEROES SO THERE'S MORE ON OUR SIDE!"

"YEAH BUT THEY'RE IDIOTS!" Cheered Caliborn. "In fact, look!"

Spongebob was goofing off with a knife and accidentally cut Aradia's head off. Dave ran to the head and yelled his goodbyes.

"NO!" He shouted. "ARADIA MY REAL CRUSH!"

"It's okay..." She said, dramatically. "Go on without me." Then she died. And remember Prospit and Derse were both blown up so they can't come back from kissing. Then Terezi went "AHEM WE'RE DATING DID YOU FORGET?" And Dave answered with "Actuially yes I did."

"We must kill Spongebob." Said Vriska. But then Caliborn laughed.

"I'M ORDERING MY VILLAIN TEAM TO KEEP HIM ALIVE IF HE ANNOYS YOU SO MUCH! IT IS ALL PART OF MY MASTER PLAN!"

Then the villains turned to him.

"Order?" Asked Endive. "Please, my high cooking standards prevent me from working with such a slob as yourself."

"Hi Chowder" Said Panini, from the same show.

"I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND! WE'RE AT WAR EVEN!" Chowser replied. That was a typo he's not actually fused with Bowser or anything though that would look cool.

"I'm fucking Satan I don't have to listen to you." Said Him (PPG) towards Caliborn.

"Am I Satan too what is this?" Said the Red Guy from Cow and Chicken.

"Man, I could make a mecha cooler than you." Mandark (from Dexter) shook his head.

Peridot made a huge Gem hand that flipped the middle finger which shot a huge bullet blowing up Spongebob. "Spongebob fucking annoys me." She said, "I don't give a shit about your orders."

Dr. Eggman from Sonic Boom was scared. Also this is like partly a paradox because what the hell this isn't boom Sonic it's classic Sonic suddenly with Hidden Palace and a Knuckles that's smart?

"Yeah, we don't think you should be our boss." Said the Breast from Over the Garden Wall. "We're taking over. But who should lead? That is the ultimate question in life."

They started saying "RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE" like on South Park until Katz just cold-bloodedly grabbed Caliborn and threw him in a lava pit where he sunk into the lava because... um that's what happens to people in lava, right? Oh yeah in case there was ambiguity (because people might be like "his aliens can turn to giant snakes in black holes simple lava shouldn't kill him) yes Caliborn was completely dead.

"Let's get serious." Said Katz.

So the Lich from Adventure Time was pretty serious. He took out a serious gun and shot at Vriska but missed and sent Vriska flying and she joked about this going "WHHEEEEEE!" and landed on the Crossover Crystal, pulling it like a lever and setting the switch from Cartoon Network to Adult Swim!

Suddenly another, tinier portal in another spot opened then closed and six people stepped out dressed in these fancy robed outfits. One in green, one in red, blue, orange, purple, and yellow. The one in red ran over to Dave and flipped off her hood, she just looked like some generic anime character thing with pink hair.

"Everyone, listen to us! We are the Sages, who time traveled here from the future! We were looking at cross-multiversal anomalies, and found one huge one in particular! There is energy of beings with mass power around here!"

"Who the hell are you?" Dave asked.

"Just call me the Red Sage and all of us by our outfit robes. Except the Green Sage, who I'm sure you'll all know."

The Adult Swims were even bigger and more terrifing than the Cartoon Networks! The Robot Chicken professor used telekinesis to force people in chairs where he has TVs showing them shit! Squidbillies were attacking them all and not Squiddles the Squiddbillies! Peter Griffin was beating up the good guys like Mung Daal (Chowder) and Knuckes (Flapjack, not SonicBoom. Actually he was beating up Sonic Boom Knuckles too) and calling it funny! (Which got Rose mad. "I thought you were our ally." She said, and he answered "Nope! I do what I want!") And worse yet, since Futurama was on Comedy Central and don't have rights on Adult Swim anymore, we can't get the funny Bender jokes!

Then the Green Sage stepped up and took off his robe outfit! It was Hank Hill from King of the Hill, and he stared down Peter. Even more important underneath was a Thief of Breath outfit!

"Stop. I'll kill you by God Tier-induced suffocation." Hank/Green Sage said, trying to drain his air.

"Oh. That's funny. Windy boy wants to bring up the wind? Well then,"

Then Peter farted a tornado! "You know, you're also an adult cartoon in my universe. It'll be fitting if you joined us! Well, villain side, not the hero side, since other AS characters like the Venture Brothers are heroes. Anyway you'd fit right in."

"I'D DIE BEFORE I JOIN YOU! i'll tell you hwat."

"Okay well the tornado's doing a good job at killing you anyway."

Hank turned to the Act 5s and Act 6s: "QUICK! To undo this..." Hank's shirt was ripped off in the Tornado. "you must get back to Earth... and activate the Propane Robot..." Then his pants "it'll save the universe!" Then his boxers, and Hank was embarassed so he covered himself and since his hands were down he couldn't use his powers anymore and Peter killed him with a gun.

"ARGH!" Cried John, "DIE!"

But Peter just laughed. "Oh yeah, big hero? What are you gonna do? Come on, let me see it throw some big hero move at me and save the world! Show me what a hero's like in this world!"

Then John jumped at him but Peter just took out a damn gun and shot him in the head. "HAH! "That's what happens to 'heroes' in this hellish world. You'll end up dead. Like that show even our channel hates. Assy Mcgee." Also Peter was still naked from what he was doing with the easel.

"ABOUT THAT..." Said a voice from the portal. Then it stepped out! It was Assy! And he was huge, "I'M SICK OF BEING PUSHIFICATED AROUND BY YOUR LIKENINGS! I WILL REVENGIFY ALL OF YOU! BY KNOWING HOW TO CONTROLINATE THE CROSSOVER CRYSTAL!"

He teleported this whole Hidden Palace plus the portal and everything and everyone over to Earth (hey that's what the heores need!) and specifically to LA, because there was also some other stuff that happened in the 70s in some cul-de-sac. Assy switched the Crossover Crystal from "Adult Swim" to "Ass Dimension" and flew up to the sky and opened up a gigantic bigger portal in the sky and laughed.

"WHAT IS THAT?" Cried Rufioh.

"...I can scienfitically determine," Said the Blue Sage, "That this is the End of the World."

Assy McGee laughed evilly and a bunch of butt monsters flew out of the portal! "LISTEN UP YOU UPPER-HALVE HAVING MOUTH-TALKING ONE LIFESPAN SKIN PUPPETS! I'm a talking butt. And I'm taking over the universe, getting revenge on these other crossovers! PANTS ARE DEAD AND SKIRTS HAVE NO MEANING! UNDERWEAR IS UPSIDE DOWN AND I RULE SUPREME! WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO ASSMEGADDON!" About that stuff about clothes, he was just talking about himself it was stupid stuff to make him sound cool. He didn't actually do things to clothing or anything like that, because that would just be silly wouldn't it?

Meanwhile, Bevis and Butthead (also from the Crossover Crystal) were snickering. "Heh heh, he said ass."

CHAPTER SIX: THE ASSPOCALYPSE!

The other Sages meanwhile also took off their robes. In order from Red Blue Orange Purple and Yellow, they were: Page of Time, Knight of Light, Rogue of Heart (yes I know that's Nepeta's but this makes sense if you read a lot of GPF's stuff), Bard of Space, and Prince of Life. Since Red Sage was female and as a Page that means leg exposed.

"Hey nice legs." Dave joked whisteling.

"Don't wory," Said the Red Sage. "I know you'll win. After all, we're from the future after the apocalyse. I'm even your great-something granddaughter I think!"

"EW NOW YOU TELL ME?"

Anyway there were a lot of monsters that mostly looked like giant butts with monster parts like (but not limited to) wings and insect-ish legs, and also there were things like flying smuppet-looking monsters shooting lasers at everyone. Instead of a stereotypical spinny white portal thing that was the normal Crossover Crystal there's a clear portal shaped like a W (because butt-shape) that led to what looked like a dark gray dimension with a black smoke texture.

"TO MAKE THIS LOOK SPOOKIER, HOW ABOUT I BEND REALITY A BIT!" Said Assy. Then he changed the skies to red! He didn't poliute because he's not that evil (Captain Planet) and since that would take effort but he just changed the laws of physics so that Oxygen is now naturally red. This by proxy also made water red like blood.

Nepeta flexed her hands. "Wow. I think we're all gonna die."

"Not really, we need a plan." Said Rose.

"I GOT IT!" cheered Purple Sage. "WE MUST GO FISHING FOR HIM LIKE PIRATES!"

"...You really think that bad plan would work? Jesus you're terrible." Said Eridan of all people, who usually hits on others and doesn't insult them.

So then everyone went to the lake (doesn't matter what lake) and since it was Purple Sage's idea he was the one holding a line out. Um the bait was a ticket that said "FREE SEASON RENEWAL!" and it was painted yellow-gold to look genuine and not just like a piece of paper which is what it secretly was. Sure enough Assy saw it being held up in the air via the fishing pole and went over to the ticket and grabbed it but felt the hook and realized it was a trap.

"QUICK!" Shouted the Purple Sage, "WE MUST RUN QUICKLY!"

So Feferi dashed to the boat and put it on "FAST" and it started engining itself away. It was like those scenes in Sonic where you outrun the whale, only it wasn't Sonic 06 and I can see that people are getting sick of my Sonic 06 jokes or really the Sonic jokes in general (that's why this is on Earth from now on).

"This is stupid" said Eridan "We're not going anywhere."

"Actually we are going across the LA Lake- oh you mean metaphorically." Aranea was about to exposit before stopping.

"Hey, I secretly had this bomb thing under my skirt. Now might be a perfect time to use it and everything!" Cried Porrim, getting out a large cartoon bomb out of her dress. It looked like something Bugs Bunny would eat.

"Where did you get it from?" Asked Dave.

"Wall-mart was having an apocalypse-themed sale, I picked it up on our way to the lake. Can you beleve that they had this for only 2 dollars and 99 cents?"

"In other words like 3 dollars." Damara snickered.

"D: rip off." Said Porrim.

She threw the bomb at Assy and it exploded and Assy started spinning around like "Oh I'm dead, oh no..." then he jumped back up and went "KIDDING! I'M NEARLY INVINCIBLE! NOW, MINIONS, AFTER THEM!"

To reference the Dispicable Me movie Minions they were all floating yellow asses. Then again people might thing they were Simpsons butts but I don't care. Oh and if you're wondering how asses float then look at the brains from Futurama and replace them with butts. The one exception to all of this is his token female minion since this needs fanservice she inexpliably looks like a naked blonde woman who is often pointing her butt to the camera.

"I'd like you to meet my generic minions, and that over there is Asserella."

"THAT'S A STUPID NAME!" Said Horuss.

"Says the guy named horse. Now, you have fallen into my trap and are now captured."

"NOT SO FAST!" Shouted someone. It was Doc Brown from the first story! He traveled his Delorean to the apolcaypse and stopped it! "I now changed the time travel whatsit so that it can also move through space. If we just fly up to his portal and blow up the Flux Capasitor in this thing, we'll have his powers taken away!"

"Asserella. This guy is trying to killinate me. Stop him." Said Assy McGee.

"Okay."

Then she fired a beam that disintegrated Doc Brown's leg!

"Shoot through the heart or something not the leg. The leg may have the vital organs of our asskind in them but not normal humans or trolls." Assy shook his... um, head-equivilent?

"I can't aim behind me that well."

By the time they were bickering though, all the heroes got into the car and Brown looked over at the Sages.

"Would you mind driving?"

Red Sage sighed. "Blue Sage is horrible at drives. Purple Sage is better but I don't trust him. Orange Sage I don't think knows how to operate this."

Orange Sage banged the front part of the car (you know the part with the radio usually) and went "YEAH! JUST PUMP FIGHTING SPIRIT INTO IT! GO GO GO!"

Surprisingly, this got the car to work! It glowed with green spiral energy and went foreward-

Just to crash into the lake since obivously they were still at the lake and Brown just drove his time car on top of the boat.

"Oh no! Drowning, blood, and fish... three of my many phobias!" Said Blue Sage.

"Thankfully this car doesn't need to hit 88 to space travel. Just flip the switch and we're fine." Since the windows were rolled up Doc Brown could tell them that and not "BLOORP BLOOP BLOOPP!"

So they traveled up to a few yards below the portal and were driving up at an angle heading to it Misirlou from Dick Dale began playing as Doc Brown climbed to the top of the car and, standing on the leg that wasn't disintegrated, got out two guns.

"ALRIGHT YOU CTHULHU SHITS! I'M PUTTING AN END TO YOUR APOCALYPSE BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW!"

Then he jumped off and landed in the black stone eldritch floor and began shooting at the monsters from inside waiting for his time car to catch up and eventually ran out of bullets and went "I need to reload" so he hopped on his leg to the ones he shot and ripped the bullets out of them to put into his gun. "WHO ELSE WANTS SOME?"

Then the time car made it! Just got to shoot the Flux Capasitor and the time explosion will close the portal and take away Assy's powers on Earth. So the car went through the portal and also had to drive around the stone and be careful not to drive off back into the portal.

But Asserella stood in the way! She laughed as she moonwalked (again, she keeps her rear facing whoever she talks to) over to the gang and whipped out a special Eldritch Gun. "HA HA HA! DIE!" She shouted, shooting at the team-

But she missed again and hit the Flux Capasitor. A small time explosion (which just looked like the car blew up but it was blue and not red) happened and none of the heroes were harmed because time explosions don't hurt living things. However on the other side of the portal the sky and water started turning back blue and the portal was closing slowly. The other monsters spawned from it started falling down like robots whose batteries ran out, but that was because they couldn't fly anymore. Assy felt his powers weakening so he flew back up to the portal.

"Oh god I am so fired." Said Asserella.

Then because his time machine was destroyed Doc Brown started fading out away because he was now a paradox. "DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME!" He shouted, "I WON'T DIE OR BE ERASED, I'LL JUST GO BACK TO 1955 HERE, TAKE THIS!"

He threw some holder-thing that Jade caught, but then Brown faded away completely into just his pile of lab coats and lab pants. Jade pushed a button. It was a lightsaver from Star Wars!

"We must jump back out the portal!" Jade said, taking charge!

Before she could though, Assy flew in and sighed. "The flux capasitor now got rid of the Crossover Crystal's power but I might as well use my magic to accelerate up the progress." And shot a beam at the portal closing it.

"YES!" Cheered Rose. "You're now completely powerless."

"Correction: I am powerless in your dimension. Right now we're in MINE! A HAHAHAHAHA! Also, Asserella, you're not fired but you will be getting a pay dock for failing so epically."

CHAPTER SEVEN: GET BACK HOME?

The fake final battle was already over. Now it was time for the REAL final battle!

Jade got on her jet-rocket-board (this really isn't that Homestucky anymore so I'm gonna change that) and started hacking around through the minions, taking the lead. "FOLLOW ME!"

The Sages, by the way, just went off and tried to work on using what little remained of the delorean to try to get back to Earth. So that's my excuse for writing them out for now.

Reaching the throne where Assy floated above meanacingly (and yes there is a throne which doesn't make any sense how do ass-people sit anyway actually that might make MORE sense?) was the easy part, which Jade got there before everyone else.

"YOU STOP ATTACKING OR ELSE I'LL INVENT A NUKE!"

"I already kind of did." Said Assy. "In fact, you technically won. Just like stay here until you die or something and you'll still be seen as tragic heroes."

But then another portal opened up! It was a strip club on super jets, and it flew up to the air and then through the portal and closed and landed. Peter Griffin was standing by the parking spaces, with his arms crossed and grinning.

"I was secretly tracing the crossover crystal portal Dave shot at first back during Kids Fight the Trolls in order to hatch my diobolical plan! During the Asspocalypse I was secretly going into this strip club and mind-controlling the strippers and now I have an army of evil strippers, and I just feel like going to this dimension using said traced cossover crystal redisue and finding a way to sap powers so it'll be easier taking over Earth once I go back to it!"

"Mind control? HOW DARE YOU!" Vriska shouted. "NOTHING gets me more angry and mad and upset than just taking control of someone else's actions and them doing things for you! I don't like that, as the hero I must stand against you."

"Well deal with it." Said Peter who snapped his fingers. Suddenly the doors opened and an army of women in bikinis, like over 300 of them or something, came out. He laughed. "You'll be dealing with my army while I sit back and I just recreate some song thing and it will be like the annoying jokes on my show that last too long heee heheeh heh!"

Jade got the lightsaber out again and ran after one of the strippers but then Dave stood in front of her with his arms out and frowning.

"DON'T HURT THEM! :(" Dave said.

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE THEY AREN'T EVIL JUST MIND-CONTROLLED! :("

Jade said "Okay" and set her lightsaber to 'stun.'

Assy meanwhile snuck up behind Peter Griffin and cleared his throat.

"Ahem, this is my dimension, not yours." Said Assy. "I rule here and you will die for trying to take this over."

Peter turned around creepily, laughing. "Correction: It's yours but not long for now. HA HA HA HA! You see, I know a lot more than I thought... thanks to... my best friend Plank. (get it the music video with the same name.)"

Suddenly he whacked Assy with Plank. From Ed, Edd n Eddy. You'll notice that I've never mentioned that show coming from the Crossover Crystal, and right now Peter's going to explain why.

"You see, this little guy's seen a lot. On his trip to this multiverse, he was passed around while a lot of the kids killed each other! Then this asshole in a black sock hat took hold of him, and later gave him off to be cryogenically frozen while trying to fix out whatever dark magic is in him! This is where I came in! I actually followed those kid's adventures, I was really a demon from hell that was sealed until one of the kids stupidiedly let me go! And now I stole the Plank from that kid to get the dark magic and become GAWWWWD. And now I'm gonna remake this dimension AND the Earth dimension in my own image!"

"Have you been playing too many Nintendo games because that's like what Every Nintendo villain wants to do I think." Said Dave. Or, no wait, it was Roxy because she's Nintendo while Dave's Microsoft (the company that wasn't an inuendo).

"Now, let's finish the job." Said Peter ignoring the question because he's an asshole. Anyway he zapped out a beam of dark magic using Plank like a gun and that blew up Assy and he turned to a cloud of smoke which Peter breathed in DON'T DO THIS KIDS SMOKING IS BAD!

"Yes! Now I have all this reality-warping power! (While I'm in this dimension.)" He said. "But! Using it... maybe I can... combine it with Plank's a get a way back out into my GOD WORLD! It's final boss time, but first I wanna get comfortable thanks to my new powers... PLANK! COMBINE!"

Plank grew lots of twisting roots that appeared to stab Peter through the chest but it really just stuck around on the other side and wrapped around him like a sort of belt. Peter laughed as his shirt grew a demonic looking giant eye with a boetie under it and his eyes turned glowing red with blue pupils and his mouth turned glowing blue and gained sharp teeth. Also Plank himself extended and just got this demonic looking face and horns. Going back to Peter his hands grew and Roxy laughed saying "Wow a hand boss you really are a Nintendo cliche" while Jane made a "YAOI HANDS!" joke.

He laughed as he snapped his fingers and a couch appeared behind him, that also had a built-in toilet. Then after sitting in it a bunch of television were materialized from his power and he could change the channel with his god skills and there were also these spawning pipes from the couch that delivered him chips and beer. A bunch of camera spawned around the team and recorded them which was what was being displayed on the TVs around Peter Griffin.

"Now I can watch you die... WHILE I WATCH YOU DIE! And shit at the same time because I still kinda have the runs."

THEN JADE STABBED HIM! ...But her lightsaber was set to stun so it didn't do anything. Peter laughed again and boy is that getting really annoying. Peter stop doing that.

"NO!" Peter said to you. Not the reader, YOOUUUUU! (Oh wioat that's the same person nevermind...)

AHHH HE BROKE THE FOURTH WALL AND IS THE NARRATIVE LIKE CALIBORN WE'RE GONNA DIE just kidding everyone breaks the fourth wall in these fan fics all the time.

He yanked the lightsaber before Jade could switch it to 'vaporate' and threw it into the toilet bowl of his couch. It still stayed there for a few minutes as it swirled down but Jade sure as fuck isn't touching that."You're such a dumbass setting the lightsaber to stun you know the mind control isn't gonna wear off because that would mean I lose and I always win except for that time I played I Wanna Be the Guy."

There was a cutaway gag where he died. In the game, if he died here and didn't come back that would be a time paradox because otherwise how could he take over the world?

"Also plot twist time. You guys are actually like reincarnations of these doll things, cursed to reincarnate across three different multiverses. These strippers here are actually reincarnations of these slime-people from that same universe, and the Sages are reincarnations of some people that happened to try to help. There's a few more key players and shit but I don't really wanna tell you yet. Lemme murder ya first!"

He snapped his fingers and suddenly the strippers all turned into one of twelve guns that got attatched to the arm rests of his couch, like six on each side.

The REAL real real real definitely final last battle was now about to begin! Peter did things like shoot out flaming swords from one gun, and rocky-drills from another, electro-hands, bombs of light that slowed people down, evil wooden claws, boomerangs that could make huge tornados, bubbly shields, intruments that played really loud music, more hands with the element water, bloody knives with meat attatched, toxic whips, and for some reason paint brushes and other art tools covered in oil. He kinda had a bad taste in weapons.

"HE IS THROWING TOO MUCH SHIT AT ONCE!" Said Dave.

"He's already on the toilet don't give him ideas D:" Answered Rose with a Frown of Worry.

"WE MUST STOP THIS MUSIC FIRST IT'S NOT EVEN GOOD IT'S JUST 80S SHIT!" Shouted Vriska. "AND YOU'D THINK I LIKE IT SINCE 80S BUT I HAVE FUCKING STANDARDS DAMMIT!"

"I wish I could just take the six Sages and the thirty-two players, but some of you are dead... WAIT! I KNOW! I COULD SPAWN A SORT OF AFTERLIFE BUBBLE AND YANK THE SOULS OUT OF HEAVEN!" This is what Peter said.

"DON'T YOU MEAN SOME OF THEM MIGHT BE IN HELL?" Dave joked. Vriska shook her head at him.

"Dude they died today show some respect. Also one of them was my boyfriend, John."

Then Peter Griffin blew a bubble like Spongebob and it started growing huge and like a Dream Bubbles (get it this is what dream bubbles were foreshadowing!) which bounced across the black stone floors of Assy's home dimension and then solidified and there were the spirits of Hank Hill, John, Aradia, and if someone else died they were there too. Um, I think John and Aradia are the only kids or trolls that died so I don't have to worry about that. Caliborn died but fuck him he's not important.

"Also this bubble is where nightmares come true!"

And then the ground went from memories to scary places based on the character's fears! Dave's was puppet monsters spawning everywhere! Because Rose was mature her fear was paying the bills late and the power being cut off so that her alarm wouldn't wake her and she was late for work and fired and having to live without a secure job anymore! Kurloz's was clowns! (it's ironic). John's was also clowns (it's canno). Nepeta's was her ending up like Pounce Deleo! Kanaya's was the eel from Super Mario 64 because fuck that thing. Even the Sages were affected, like Hank dreaming of his family using charcoal! Also I'm giving Jade a fear of hights so that this fight takes on the appearance of being on mount everest and it's an epic snowy battlebackground.

"But wait..." Said Nepeta, "If this is where nightmares come true it is also where dreams can come true since nightmares are just dreams but scary."

And then Fear turned to Pride (it's an Inside Out reference) as the "players" realized they could just re-dream up God Tiers again! And now everyone was a God Tier! The background stayed Everest because it's cool and Jade just got over her fear.

So now it was like a call back to the earlier chapter (can't remember the number) where Caliborn had these memorie things that did things like John's remembory shot out tornados and Jade's hadoken'ed galaxies.

Peter just shouted "I COULD JUST DO THE SAME THING!" But then Nepeta answered with "But you could already make things from nothing, which means that you didn't gain any power, which means you are weaker."

That logic didn't make any sense but Peter still fell for it, it was an emotional hit to his psycology (his Fruedal organs). So he got sad and wasn't fighting as hard or thinking up stuff, but he did have the idea to use the strippers as human shields. So he opened up his inventory and noticed something...

"HEY! ONE OF THEM IS A DUDE THAT JUST LOOKS LIKE A CHICK TO ENTERTAIN CROSSDRESSING FANS!" He yanked this feminine-looking (kind of like some anime) male stripper out from him and glared. "I WANT THIS TO BE A HAREM! GET OUT!"

"Okay. I don't like being sealed in you or whatever anyway."

"ALSO THE ONLY CROSSDRESSER I CARE ABOUT IS STEWIE!"

Then the male stripper got out a gun and shot Peter in the foot. "Okay how dare you! You attack my lifestyle, and worst of all fuck you Stewie is not funny he's just annoying!"

"Yeah, he's one of us!" Said another one of the strippers as her hand came out of the red gun on his couch and grabbed his remote and turned the channel to the shopping channel. Peter frowned. "I mean, the stripper guy. Not Stewie."

"No, you guys are going to kill me now!" As they started crawling out of the guns kind of like the movie The Grudge.

Then above Jade shouted "NO, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" And dreamed up another lightsaber and used it to cut Peter Griffin in half since this was also set to vibrate. Which also cut his couch-toilet and the Plank transformation in half too.

"WAIT!" Cried the Yellow Sage, "I find beauty in all living things on Earth, so if you would give him a chance-"

"We're not on Earth." Said Jade.

"Oh. Okay. Then roast that motherfucker."

"Sorry I have to intervene..." Plank spoke and this time was finally hearable for a reason we'll see. He sounded like that loud guy from Twin Peaks, "But I have another plan for him! I'll send each half (of course I'll give each half full bodies) into another one of the reincarnated multiverses, where he'll grow into a powerful seed that will denominate and rule over all! AHAHAHAHA!"

So he shot dark magic at Peter Griffin's halves before Jade could do anything else (and didn't need to since he died) and the halves turned into wholes then a huge red stream appeared and one half/whole was sent down one end of the stream and the other was sent the opposite direction.

I'll tell you right now what happened: One of them was gunned down by Cartman and his ghost was used to make a pyramid fly, the other one had an organ (the pipe organ you weirdos) crushed on him by an alternate universe Doc Scratch who wanted to be like Ganondorf. So yeah Plank that was a dumbass move.

"Okay," said the Yellow Sage, "But while there is living dark magic in this thing there's also two people in there who are taken over by the dark magic. We... need to give the dark magic excersice and then maybe the other two people can transform back."

"...One of those people is another me, isn't it?" Said Nepeta. "I don't have a hunch or anything, I just wanted to guess."

Plank said, "Thanks to the power of all this reality stuff I was able to break my curse of only being listenable to one person at a time until that person hands me over or gets killed."

"Hey wait I just remembered." Said Feferi. "Instead of canon where I'm the Witch of Life, the last story said I was the Bitch of Life and I can kill things in one hit instead of making lives longer. I can just kill the dark magic in Plank."

So she sent a bolt of lightning after Plank and then this dark buff badguy spirit thing flew up from him and went "NOOOOO!" and exploded. Then "Plank" spoke again but with the voice of Hank Hill.

"Congradulations for freeing me and my dimension's Nepeta."

"I knew it." Said the Nepeta from this story.

"Now, we must head back to our original multiverse, and use the last of the Triple Force power to grant a wish and return to our original forms... where she's... Nepeta, and I'm dead."

Then Hank-Plank took off flying into the air and to the red stream, going to the direction that the other Peter Griffin half went. (Not the first one.) But since Plank was gone the Dreambubble started fading which meant that John, Aradia, and Hank Hill (of this world, ignore the other one) were about to go back to Heaven.

"Have fun." Said John.

"I don't like this. 0n0" Said Aradia.

"Hey didn't the Sage-Researchers never introduce themselves? That's rude. Introduce yourselves. My name's Hank." Said Hank/Green Sage.

Red Sage shrugged. "I'm Margaret, but as far as the cops know, I'm Brenda." She winked. "Ha ha, just kidding, I don't really have a criminal alter name."

Dave frowned. "IF YOU DID IT WOULD BE MY FAULT SINCE I WASN'T THERE TO RAISE YOU IN THE FUTURE AND THUS NO PARENT TO KEEP YOU OUT OF CRIME! :("

Blue Sage went, "I'm Sheldon."

Yellow Sage sighed. "Rose."

Orange Sage went "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?"

"Okay enough with the mind games I just want to explain everything for a second okay?" Said Purple Sage. "You see, we Sages are based on something the author of this story thought of having by a running gag, where the shows and anime and stuff he crammed into things - or planned to since he didn't do that yet - are parodied with a group of 'Holy Sages.' Representing his King of the Hill fetish is Hank. I'm Alucard from Hellsing because of a Hellsing fan fic that's actually canon to this very story but in another multiverse and this gets referenced a lot. Rose is from Steven Universe and not this Rose, and originally this guy thought about lots of Steven Universe stories until canon went "sorry we already did that idea". That orange guy is actually Kamina from Gurren Lagann because that got references too. Then with Margaret and Sheldon they were based on this little crossover the author did between Big Bang Theory and some obscure show Perfect Hair Forever. Okay I'm glad I got this out of the way now we can stop talking about us. We deviced a portal to leave out of the Deloreaon's remains."

Kamina crossed his arms. "DUMBASS THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF!"

"But it's not fun. Anyway in case that was tldr, we fixed a way for us to get back home now grasshoppers."

So then they travelled back home and laughed and the Sages went back to the future and the kids and trolls played Super Smash Bros Wii U and Dave whined about Dark Pit and too many clones but nobody listened to him.

"I learned an important lesson." Said John. "It doesn't matter if you're from Act 5 or Act 6. Um... uh... nevermind, I got dibs on the next match!"

But then, watching out the window... IT WAS ASSERELLA!

"I will avenge the fall of our empire..." she said meanacingly.

Then Dave shot her through the head and shouted "NO MORE SEQUELS!"

THE END.

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Closing AN:

Pretty much the only thing I changed here was that Peter's "NO!" to the audience was just written in Gamzee's blood color (and had no quote marks), but again, FFN can't do colored text. So I had to sort of make it clear that he was, in fact, talking to us.

Final Thoughts:

If you compare this to the mirror of KIDS FIT THE TROLLS, you'll see that I have been writing longer and longer works on average. (And you might be able to figure out that I've since taken up interest in Gravity Falls... wait, the actual references to that show are extremely spoiler-y. I'll just lie and say that the stuff about the barrel was one to those who are unfamiliar with the endgame of that series.) Other than that... I don't really have anything else to say. Enjoy your preview:

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Okay, okay, okay. How do you do this?

How do you present to someone like him about something like this?

He thinks his world is completely ordinary. For one of the six chosen Sages, Hank lived an oddly ordinary life. If he saw her blabbing on about how urgent it was to unite him with five other people, he'd... probably flip. But this was her best shot.

Oh, what the heck. Time to do it anyway.

Although in hindsight, she probably shouldn't have lept out while he was driving to tell him right now, seeing as she was naked and covered in blood at the time.

The Hunt for the Six Sages.

Coming in... I honestly have no clue. Hopefully it's still 2017.