Pairing: Byakuya Kuchiki x Ichigo Kurosaki
Music: It's All Been Done, by the Barenaked Ladies
Word count: ~ 900
Rating: T
Prompt 49: Project
The kind thing to do, Rukia knows, would be to put them out of their misery.
Really, they've been dancing around each other for weeks now, and while it's kind of-sort of endearing—because, reasonably, how many times will she ever get the opportunity to see her noble, dignified brother acting like a lovesick idiot?—it's also so damnably frustrating that Rukia wants to tear her hair out or bash their skulls together or something.
So maybe the kind thing to do would be to put them out of her misery, but as long as they're out of misery somehow it counts for a win, right?
She watches them out of the corner of her eye, sitting a little ways down the long staff table as all of the professors eat breakfast. Yamamoto, the head of the Academy of the Arcane, has his beard tossed over one shoulder to keep from getting eggs in it, and is speaking with Byakuya in a low voice that she can't quite make out. Byakuya, for his part, looks politely attentive, but she can see that his eyes are fixed with unwavering intensity on the youngest professor.
Ichigo is flat-out moping. It's really quite disgusting, and rather like an airship wreck. Rukia can't look away from the sight of him sighing into his salad—and, ugh, who eats salad in the mornings? Though it's perhaps slightly more forgivable given that his father is an insane and brilliant Healer and Ichigo's been brainwashed from a young age to think that healthy equals tasty. But still. Gross. About as gross as the time she caught him writing Byakuya's name in the air with sparkly red magic and drawing hearts around it.
Really. If she wanted to die of a saccharine overdose, she would just take sugar intravenously. It would be quicker and less painful than watching her brother and best friend pine for each other.
"Men," she mutters to her familiar, sitting next to her plate in the form of a snow-white cat. "I think they were all born with an emotional handicap in their brains."
Sode no Shirayuki makes a noise that might be agreement. Then again, she could just want Rukia's fish.
"Rukia, you're insane. This project of yours is never going to work."
Eyes narrowing, Rukia turns her head to stare at her oldest friend. Renji is pressed back against the far wall as though distance will protect him from Byakuya finding them. It's sweet that he's so clueless, though this is the tenth time in as many minutes that he's cast aspersions on her brilliant plan.
"You're saying that a lot," she says dangerously. "It's starting to tick me off. Backing out, Mr. Crazy-Tattooed-Eyebrows Man?"
"Hey!" Renji squawks, puffing up like a rooster. On his shoulder, his familiar Zabimaru does the same, looking utterly offended. "They're a mark of status as a Master Builder, I'll have you know! And I never back out of anything!"
Rukia grins at him, victorious. Renji's never been one to back down from a dare, even a dare that's more implied than explicit, and this is no different. He won't fold now, either, so her choice of allies is safe. "Well, all right then," she tells him, and leans over the edge of the balcony to watch Byakuya and Ichigo trade longing glances across the library.
Behind her, there's a hiss like a teakettle, and then a huff. After a moment, Renji throws his big body down next to her, looking resigned. "All right," he says wearily. "What's the first plan?"
She shoots him an incredulous glance. "First? What makes you think it's going to take more than one?"
But Renji isn't listening anymore. He's staring down at the two lovesick men with something like pity—and pity from Renji means that they're worse off than she thought.
"Wow," he murmurs after a second. "I'd say that there's a subtle subtext here Ichigo and Byakuya are deeply in love with each other, but it's more like skywriting with brass band accompaniment. So. Plan?"
"Right." A little gleefully, Rukia rubs her hands together. "The plan. We set them up on a blind date."
Renji splutters into incoherence, and then demands, "What?"
"Oh, please." Rukia shoots him a scornful look. "Look at them. There is no way in Hell or out of it that either one of them is going to fall for any of the traditional schemes. We could try locking them in a room together, sure, but…"
"But it's Byakuya," Renji agrees a touch wearily. "He's got the self-control of a steel boulder. Maybe if we paraded Ichigo in front of him in nothing but a thong, but anything less than that—"
"Exactly. So this will take a new kind of game plan." Rukia grins. "If we give them an excuse to be interested, and to let it out, they should be fine. All you have to do is convince my brother to agree."
Even if the plan is doomed to fail, Rukia suspects that the look of horror on Renji's face will make it all worthwhile.