This story is meant to parody/spoof the stories mentioned within. I do not own nor will I pretend to own these in real life, though in the story I may appear as a multi-millionaire tycoon with rights to all of it, but if that does happen, I assure it is only a gimic for humor, so do not take it seriously, for as mentioned it is for comedic purposes. Oh yeah, this also contains spoilers for Evangelion and...stuff. Yeah.
Also, if anyone's "angry" I'm making fun of Evangelion. Kiss my-
Kssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The Author's Notes has been disconected. If you'd like to try and reconnect.
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Shinji Ikari sat in the middle of the wastland that was left of the GeoFront before the attempted third impact. The Giant Rei head sat in the ground amidst the wreckage of civilization, smoke billowing up into the sky above the planet which was now free of an atmosphere. Shinji could only think of one thing while he sat there.
Shinji:...How the heck am I still breathing?
He scratched his chin in thought as Asuka sat a few feet away complaining and reciting several obscenities she had learned over the years. Many of which Shinji believe she had made up on the spot.
Asuka: I can't believe you killed everyone!
Shinji: I hardly believe I can be held accountable for this.
Shinji crossed his arms and pouted. He looked over at Asuka and stuck his tongue out and turned back around, only to be hammered in the back of the head with a boot Asuka had found.
Asuka: What do you mean you can't be held accountable for this! Who's responsibility was it to accept Human Instrumentality Project?
Shinji: Technically that was Rei's responsibility.
Asuka promptly punched Shinji the back of the head, making one of his eyes burst from the socket. After roughly 45 minutes of his screaming, she finally shoved it back in. Shinji then developed a nasty case of pink eye.
Asuka: Anyways...But who merged with Rei?
Shinji: EVA 01.
Asuka: And who was PILOTING EVA 01?
Shinji froze in place as he turned a pale white and the background faded out to a dramatic shade of blue. He curled up into a ball and started crying again, before Asuka shook him madly until he snapped out of it.
Shinji: I can't believe I killed everyone...
Asuka: Ah well, you just saved me the trouble.
Shinji: The trouble of what?
Asuka: With everyone gone, I AM THE GREATEST!
Shinji: Can it Ali. We need to think of what to do next.
Roughly 450 years passed, and still they couldn't think of anything. There were no useable resources left on the planet, and though Shinji suggested they repopulate the planet, Asuka turned down the proposal with a swift kick to Shinji's family jewels.
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Around 448 years before Shinji's immense physical pain, EVA 01 spun about lazily in space with the Spear of Longinus pertruding from it's chest. The sun gleamed off it's burnt shell, when suddenly a faint green light reflected off of it's shell. A large ovelular silver ship had captured EVA 01 in its tractor beam and towed the ship behind it as it began to fly out of the solar system. A green alien sat at a control panel aboard the ship. It had long tendrils hanging off of its head, giving the appearence of dreadlocks.
Alien Helmsman: Sir, the target has been captured. It is composed of a bio-organic material, matching roughly 98 DNA match with captured human specimens from the planet known as Earth. Oddly enough sir, the planet now appears to have sustained a detonation of a time/space detonation device.
The Alien Commander, who looked surprisingly like Hugene Levi except he was 6 inches taller and had purple skin, looked over at the helmsman.
Alien Commander: No matter. We can repair this machine and further our own research with this organic device. Surprising to see humans have developed something so advanced. Oh yes, if anyone asks, we got this from Samuel L. Jackson.
Alien Helmsman: Why Samuel L. Jackson?...
Alien Commander: DON'T QUESTION MY METHODS!
Alien Helmsman:...Right. Entering warp drive. Oh yes, sir, I've been meaning to ask...
Alien Commander: Yes?
Alien Helmsman: Why am I the only crew member onboard?
Alien Commander: Because the others asked that question.
Alien Helmsman: Going to warp.
Alien Commander: Good man.
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Meanwhile, Shinji and Asuka were bored out of their minds. After all, being the only people left in a world devoid of death anymore, Shinji having killed it, they couldn't really kill each other for fun. Shinji looked over at Asuka, his eyes gleaming. Asuka met his gaze.
Shinji: Asuka...there's something I've been meaning to say...
Asuka: Yes..Shinji?
Shinji: Do you know how to DM? I'm bored to tears and the only thing I really know to do for fun is listen to my walkman or play DnD. So, up for a game?
Asuka shrugged. She had run out of miscellaneous objects to pelt at Shinji, and this was the best thing to do to pass the time.