Hey! It's the return of the (nearly) popular Condensed Harry Potter! Today, Professor Bumblebore has thoughtfully condensed the classic "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" for your entertainment.
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[THE DURSLEY RESIDENCE]
HARRY: Well, I'm back.
[LORD OF THE RINGS FANS begin sharpening knives]
HARRY: I've been mistreated in a manner that would melt the hardest of hearts in the Child Protection Agency. To top it all off, they've forgotten my birthday in lieu of a big business deal tonight. And no communication from any of my so-called-friends from Hogwarts! My life is incredibly boring.
[FORESHADOWING makes a loud squawk in the back row]
MR DURSLEY: So what's the plan tonight?
MRS DURSLEY: Making superficial, disgustingly nice comments about the wife.
DUDLEY DURSLEY: Acting like a gentleman.
HARRY: Rehearsing for my bit in the London Mime Auxiliary's production of "Of Mimes and Men"
MR DURSLEY: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SAYING THE M WORD?
HARRY: Men?
MR DURSLEY: DON'T BE SMART WITH ME!
HARRY: Mimes?
MR DURSLEY: AARUUGH! UPSTAIRS! SILENCE!
----------
[HARRY'S abode of love]
HARRY: AAAAAAAAHH! A SHORT, UGLY CREATURE IS SITTING ON MY BED!
VERNE TROYER: Leave me alone! [bursts into tears]
HARRY: I think SAG's getting a bit desperate.
DOBBY: HARRY POTTER!
HARRY: JAR JAR BINKS! AAAAHHH!
DOBBY: No sir! Meesa Dobby!
HARRY: [bangs head on desk]
DOBBY: Me is told to come and warn Harry Potter! Meesa awed in Harry Potter's presence!
HARRY: [slams fingers in desk drawer]
DOBBY: Meesa here to tell you: Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!
HARRY: [ties bedsheet to ceiling lamp]
DOBBY: Terrible things issa bout to happen, Harry Potter!
HARRY: [ties noose]
[LOUD THUMP]
HARRY: Hide!
DOBBY: Aaahh! Galactic invaders!
MR DURSLEY: WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING, BOY?
HARRY: [looks at noose]
MR DURSLEY: You just ruined the punchline on my Japanese golfer joke!
HARRY: Just afflicting abuse on myself like any self-respecting teenager.
MR DURSLEY: Abuse, eh? Well, get on with it. But be a bit more quiet!
[exeunt MR DURSLEY]
HARRY: Dobby? Where'd you go?
[FORESHADOWING flaps its wings pointedly]
HARRY: Must be downstairs--AAAHH! What are you doing with Aunt Petunia's prized pudding?
DOBBY: Meesa improving the nutritional value of your diets! Full of fats, pudding is!
[DOBBY drops pudding]
HARRY: Aaack!
DOBBY: Bye now! [disappears]
PEOPLE WITH WHOM THE DURSLEYS ARE MAKING A DEAL: This bites.
[exeunt PEOPLE WITH WHOM THE DURSLEYS ARE MAKING A DEAL]
[OFFICIAL LOOKING OWL drops in with OFFICIAL LOOKING LETTER]
MR DURSLEY: Heyyy....you aren't supposed to do magic! [maniacal laugh]
HARRY: Erpfle.
MR DURSLEY: NOW! I SHALL RULE THE WORLD! WITH AN IRON FIST! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAAHAHA!
HARRY: Meeplerfle.
----------
MR DURSLEY: There! Bars on your window! School supplies in the cupboard! HAHAHA!
HARRY: You know, burglar bars are a really bad fire hazard.
MR DURSLEY: Don't you use your mind tricks with me!
HARRY: I'm a wizard, not a Jedi! My father was James Potter, not Han Solo.
MR DURSLEY: Actually no, Harry, I am you--
HARRY: Oh, honestly, people. THROW ME A FRICKIN' BONE HERE!
MR DURSLEY: Well, while we're on an abusive kick, okay! Here, dinnertime. [throws HARRY a bone]
HARRY: Infidels! INFIDELS! [shakes fist vehemently]
-------
HARRY: Wha? It's the middle of the night! What's that buzzing noi--EW, DUDLEY! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T HEAR YO--
RON: No, you prat it's ME!
HARRY: Ron, I didn't know you swung that way!
RON: No, you idiot, get out of bed and grab the owl.
HARRY: Ew! Kinky! OWLS? That's gro--
RON: I'M HELPING YOU ESCAPE, YOU DEPRAVED LUNATIC! We've taken our dad's enchanted flying car to drive you to our place and get away from the Dursleys.
HARRY: Oh. Why didn't you say so?
RON: Oh honestly. Fred, George, stop fooling around up front--
HARRY: AACK!
RON:--and help me help Harry escape!
FRED and GEORGE: Hey Harry!
HARRY: AWAY, INCESTUOUS TWINS!
FRED and GEORGE: Where's your stuff anyway?
HARRY: No! I'm fine right where I am, kinky bastards!
FRED and GEORGE: Right, Ron, we'll get the stuff, you help out Harry.
HARRY: No! Go away! Don't involve me with your depraved sexual acts! AWAY!
RON: Lemme grab your clothes--
HARRY: DON'T TOUCH ME! RAAAAAAPEEEE! AAAAAAHHHHH!
RON: What have they done to you, Harry?
HARRY: [whimpers] Go away! Go away!
FRED and GEORGE: We have your stuff! [holds up HARRY'S TRUNK]
FRED: George, help me, I can't stick it in the trunk.
GEORGE: Here, it's always hard--
HARRY: AAAHH! DEVIL! DEVIL!
GEORGE:--let me get behind you and push--
HARRY: BLEACH! BLEEEEEEEAAAAAACCCCCHHHHH!
FRED: Nope, it's still not in all the way. I think--just a little bit farther--
HARRY: [catatonic]
MR DURSLEY: WHAT'S ALL THAT RACKET?
RON: Come on Harry! [drags HARRY into the car]
[HEDWIG squawks]
RON: Oh no! Someone grab Hedwig!
HARRY: NO! NO ANIMALS! SICK! SICK! AAAHHH!
[FRED pulls HEDWIG into the car]
RON: Away, I say! Away!
HARRY: HELP MEEEEEEE!
RON: Hand me that beater bat, Fred..
HARRY: AAAHHHHH!
[A loud THUD is heard]
[The FLYING CAR disappears into the night]
---------
[THE DURSLEY RESIDENCE]
HARRY: Well, I'm back.
[LORD OF THE RINGS FANS begin sharpening knives]
HARRY: I've been mistreated in a manner that would melt the hardest of hearts in the Child Protection Agency. To top it all off, they've forgotten my birthday in lieu of a big business deal tonight. And no communication from any of my so-called-friends from Hogwarts! My life is incredibly boring.
[FORESHADOWING makes a loud squawk in the back row]
MR DURSLEY: So what's the plan tonight?
MRS DURSLEY: Making superficial, disgustingly nice comments about the wife.
DUDLEY DURSLEY: Acting like a gentleman.
HARRY: Rehearsing for my bit in the London Mime Auxiliary's production of "Of Mimes and Men"
MR DURSLEY: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SAYING THE M WORD?
HARRY: Men?
MR DURSLEY: DON'T BE SMART WITH ME!
HARRY: Mimes?
MR DURSLEY: AARUUGH! UPSTAIRS! SILENCE!
----------
[HARRY'S abode of love]
HARRY: AAAAAAAAHH! A SHORT, UGLY CREATURE IS SITTING ON MY BED!
VERNE TROYER: Leave me alone! [bursts into tears]
HARRY: I think SAG's getting a bit desperate.
DOBBY: HARRY POTTER!
HARRY: JAR JAR BINKS! AAAAHHH!
DOBBY: No sir! Meesa Dobby!
HARRY: [bangs head on desk]
DOBBY: Me is told to come and warn Harry Potter! Meesa awed in Harry Potter's presence!
HARRY: [slams fingers in desk drawer]
DOBBY: Meesa here to tell you: Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!
HARRY: [ties bedsheet to ceiling lamp]
DOBBY: Terrible things issa bout to happen, Harry Potter!
HARRY: [ties noose]
[LOUD THUMP]
HARRY: Hide!
DOBBY: Aaahh! Galactic invaders!
MR DURSLEY: WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING, BOY?
HARRY: [looks at noose]
MR DURSLEY: You just ruined the punchline on my Japanese golfer joke!
HARRY: Just afflicting abuse on myself like any self-respecting teenager.
MR DURSLEY: Abuse, eh? Well, get on with it. But be a bit more quiet!
[exeunt MR DURSLEY]
HARRY: Dobby? Where'd you go?
[FORESHADOWING flaps its wings pointedly]
HARRY: Must be downstairs--AAAHH! What are you doing with Aunt Petunia's prized pudding?
DOBBY: Meesa improving the nutritional value of your diets! Full of fats, pudding is!
[DOBBY drops pudding]
HARRY: Aaack!
DOBBY: Bye now! [disappears]
PEOPLE WITH WHOM THE DURSLEYS ARE MAKING A DEAL: This bites.
[exeunt PEOPLE WITH WHOM THE DURSLEYS ARE MAKING A DEAL]
[OFFICIAL LOOKING OWL drops in with OFFICIAL LOOKING LETTER]
MR DURSLEY: Heyyy....you aren't supposed to do magic! [maniacal laugh]
HARRY: Erpfle.
MR DURSLEY: NOW! I SHALL RULE THE WORLD! WITH AN IRON FIST! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAAHAHA!
HARRY: Meeplerfle.
----------
MR DURSLEY: There! Bars on your window! School supplies in the cupboard! HAHAHA!
HARRY: You know, burglar bars are a really bad fire hazard.
MR DURSLEY: Don't you use your mind tricks with me!
HARRY: I'm a wizard, not a Jedi! My father was James Potter, not Han Solo.
MR DURSLEY: Actually no, Harry, I am you--
HARRY: Oh, honestly, people. THROW ME A FRICKIN' BONE HERE!
MR DURSLEY: Well, while we're on an abusive kick, okay! Here, dinnertime. [throws HARRY a bone]
HARRY: Infidels! INFIDELS! [shakes fist vehemently]
-------
HARRY: Wha? It's the middle of the night! What's that buzzing noi--EW, DUDLEY! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T HEAR YO--
RON: No, you prat it's ME!
HARRY: Ron, I didn't know you swung that way!
RON: No, you idiot, get out of bed and grab the owl.
HARRY: Ew! Kinky! OWLS? That's gro--
RON: I'M HELPING YOU ESCAPE, YOU DEPRAVED LUNATIC! We've taken our dad's enchanted flying car to drive you to our place and get away from the Dursleys.
HARRY: Oh. Why didn't you say so?
RON: Oh honestly. Fred, George, stop fooling around up front--
HARRY: AACK!
RON:--and help me help Harry escape!
FRED and GEORGE: Hey Harry!
HARRY: AWAY, INCESTUOUS TWINS!
FRED and GEORGE: Where's your stuff anyway?
HARRY: No! I'm fine right where I am, kinky bastards!
FRED and GEORGE: Right, Ron, we'll get the stuff, you help out Harry.
HARRY: No! Go away! Don't involve me with your depraved sexual acts! AWAY!
RON: Lemme grab your clothes--
HARRY: DON'T TOUCH ME! RAAAAAAPEEEE! AAAAAAHHHHH!
RON: What have they done to you, Harry?
HARRY: [whimpers] Go away! Go away!
FRED and GEORGE: We have your stuff! [holds up HARRY'S TRUNK]
FRED: George, help me, I can't stick it in the trunk.
GEORGE: Here, it's always hard--
HARRY: AAAHH! DEVIL! DEVIL!
GEORGE:--let me get behind you and push--
HARRY: BLEACH! BLEEEEEEEAAAAAACCCCCHHHHH!
FRED: Nope, it's still not in all the way. I think--just a little bit farther--
HARRY: [catatonic]
MR DURSLEY: WHAT'S ALL THAT RACKET?
RON: Come on Harry! [drags HARRY into the car]
[HEDWIG squawks]
RON: Oh no! Someone grab Hedwig!
HARRY: NO! NO ANIMALS! SICK! SICK! AAAHHH!
[FRED pulls HEDWIG into the car]
RON: Away, I say! Away!
HARRY: HELP MEEEEEEE!
RON: Hand me that beater bat, Fred..
HARRY: AAAHHHHH!
[A loud THUD is heard]
[The FLYING CAR disappears into the night]