He leaned against a pillar as his eyes stared across the courtyard. It had been almost a year since he had blew his chance, and he had been planning for months for this moment. Right on schedule Lily and him came into view. Severus clenched his hands in his pockets at the sight, one hand subconsciously around his wand. The scene continued as normal though and soon Lily was walking alone across the courtyard, heading towards her N.E.W.T. level Transfiguration. After glancing to make sure he had continued on his way, Severus stepped away from the pillar and closed the few steps between himself and Lily.
"Lily?" Severus finally said tentatively, his voice enough to cause Lily to stop in her tracks, slowly turning around to face him. Before she could even speak Severus said, "You were right Lily. That night, almost a year ago now, you were right. It's not what I'm aspiring to be but what is being expected of me. When you spend the majority of your time hearing something it's hard not to pick up on it. But that doesn't mean I believe it. I didn't mean to call you…"
"Severus I don't want to hear this, I'm going to be late." Lily interrupted, turning to leave. Without thinking Severus reached forward and grabbed Lily's arm, stopping her mid-turn. Lily looked at him with an arched eyebrow before Severus dropped his hand.
"What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry Lily. I can only say I'm sorry so many times. I know you've said you don't want to hear it, and that you're not interested. But I can't just forget about it. Every good memory I've had while attending this school has you in it. Every good memory from my life has you in it. I can't just forget that. I can't just forget you." Severus paused then, taking a breath as he tried to collect his thoughts. He had had this moment planned in his head for weeks, and now it all seemed to blow away with the breeze that blew past them.
"Look, I realize I screwed up. That I'm so deep in a hole that I'll likely never be able to dig myself out of it. But being friends with you gave me moments where I believed, hoped even, that things can be different, and all that hope seemed to end that night. I realize you'll likely never trust me. That you probably will never want to talk to me again regardless of what I say, but I couldn't just keep going through the motions of my life without telling you how truly sorry I am." Severus ran out of breath then, feeling like he had spoken more in those five minutes than he had the past year.
He tried to keep his face blank as Lily looked at him, her arms crossed across her chest, her braided hair gently blowing in the breeze. For a glimpse of a moment Severus thought he might have a chance. That Lily may forgive him for his mistakes, his words, and understand why it had happened. The hardness in her eyes seemed to soften slightly as she looked at him, her stiff posture seeming to relax just a hair. That moment of hope though came crashing down around him at her next words.
"I just can't Sev. I understand why you're apologizing, I just can't accept it. Not now. I'm honestly not sure if I will ever be able to." Lily said softly, Severus thinking he heard a tone of regret behind her words although her face didn't give any type of emotion away. Without saying another word Lily turned to head for class, Severus not moving to stop her that time. He wasn't sure whether he had expected her to actually accept his apology, but the rejection stung none the less. The bell rang as he turned to head for Charms, her words still echoing in his head. Through his disappointment his mind clung onto the one positive of that conversation.
Lily had called him Sev. Lily's heart still cared, even if her mind told her not to. The knowledge that Lily still cared was what Severus held onto, hoping it would be enough.