And I Will Turn to Ice, a hellboy fanfic

Disclaimer: If I owned, John wouldn't have ended up in Alaska, now would he?

A/N- Takes place before the second movie, but takes into account John Meyers transfer between the two. The second movie does NOT exist in this world. This is Hellboy/John SLASH and my first attempt at the pairing, so I'm kind of nervous and reviews help sooth the soul! :) Obviously spoilers for the first movie and very slight ones for something barely mentioned in the second (ie- Johns transfer and why) but that's what the story is about so I'd avoid it if you think this itsy bitsy spoiler will kill you...seriously- it's a one minute conversation in the second movie (if that). Enjoy! (Crosses fingers)

John hates Alaska.

It's cold and miserable and most of the time there's no sun light. He was pale before; he hadn't thought he could become any paler.

He understands that some people like Alaska, and while he may not flourish in the sun like some beach god, he used to like sitting outside on a park bench on a warm day with a book. Or a sketch pad.

That was before Hellboy.

Hellboy, Liz, Abe, The Professor, Manning and everyone else- but Hellboy is usually foremost in his mind.

He has memories that keep him warm on long nights, memories of home and riding his scooter, of his family and those first days when the green grass began peeking through the snow, resilient to the end. Then he has memories of the bureau and he's not so sure how he feels about those. Most of them aren't too bad but with the way it all ended they certainly don't keep him warm.

The Alaska division of the Bureau for Paranormal Research was actually quite small.

There was himself, Ivan, Ruth, a Yeti named Gnort, Doctor Chang and a few other people who wandered around in the background and really only showed up to pull out the big guns. He didn't see them often.

Each of his co-workers had something unique about them, especially Gnort, but none of them could create fire from thin air, or breathe underwater or...

His first week there he considers fighting it- fighting the unfair transfer, fighting the cold, fighting the fact that his co-workers were more shells than people and that it was to become his fate too. The idea dies by the second week and a sort of numbness spreads through him with the cold, clenching around his heart and squeezing because he'd be crazy to fight to go back to a place that clearly doesn't want him. He'd be crazy to fight to go back to someone who clearly doesn't want him.

John learns how to dog sled and track large animals.

He learns how to survive out there in the bleak wilderness and about all kinds of creatures he'd never even be able to dream up.

His third week there he dreams of a fire ripping its way across the cold tundra, spreading, consuming everything until it reaches John. He reaches out, tries to pull the flames closer, tries to thaw the cold that has seeped into his veins. Something moves in the flames, coming closer. A big, hulking shape and he should be afraid but he's not. He reaches out, tries to say he's sorry but his mouth is sewn shut.

John wakes, skin soaked with sweat, heart pounding desperately in his chest, feeling like it's trying to escape.

He doesn't notice as his bare feet touch the wooden floor, doesn't notice the sweat chilling; he heads straight for his manual and starts looking for a way back.

His co-workers watch him with blank faces as he climbs onto the helicopter that will take him to the plane that will fly him home. He waves to them but only Gnort waves back and John has to wonder if they're jealous that he made it out or if they feel betrayed that he's leaving them. Maybe it's neither.

The helicopter ride is short but the plane ride is long and he's too nervous to sleep. Hours drag by as he stares out the window, first at snow, then trees and eventually towns and cities.

He jerks awake when the stewardess taps his shoulder, disoriented. The air conditioning blasts him as he gets off the plane and wanders through the airport and it doesn't sink in just where he is until he steps outside and he can feel the ice beginning to thaw in him.

A man steps forwards from a discrete black car, glances him over behind dark glasses and then holds the door open for him.

"Welcome back Agent Meyers." He says and John wants to believe that he is being welcomed back.

"It's good to be back." He says as he climbs in, but it sounds hollow.

He's only been gone for a month but it feels like eons when he steps into the bureau.

The funny thing is, things haven't really changed. A few walls have been replaced, it looks like they got a new meeting room and more personnel quarters have been added. This is the only reason they have space for John.

John's not really sure what to do with himself. He's unpacked the few belongings he has in his temporary room, has showered, freshened up, eaten- he's put off walking down the long hallways for as long as he can. He can't hide forever. He has a job to do.

People don't recognize him as he walks down the hall, they don't stop and stare or point and whisper. With his crisp suit and tie he blends in with them all. Even the people he recognizes don't notice him. Part of him likes it.

His feet are leading him down a familiar path before he realizes it. The door to the Professors old study looms ahead of him and he hesitates; tries to continue on, keeps telling himself that it's just a door, but...

The alarm goes off.

John can't decide if he's more relieved or disappointed as he flattens himself against the wall to make way for the other agents barreling by.

His breath catches in his chest as familiar red appears in the hall. Hellboy strides passed them, cigar in his mouth, gun at his side and Manning telling him to keep it quiet or else. It all seems so normal that he wants to cry. But that would involve breathing and he's not sure he can do that, not when he's this close to having a panic attack, not when HB is that close.

The demon stops abruptly at the end of the hallway and Manning takes a few more strides before he realizes that he's talking to himself.

John watches as Hellboy looks around, suspicion written on his face but when his gaze falls on the spot where John had just been standing, John is no longer there.

He's too busy running away.

He'd told himself that he could handle it.

He'd told himself that even if Hellboy didn't want to see him, that even if he didn't get his old job back, that he would be fine working there so long as he could help Hellboy. Even if it was in some minute way.

Maybe he was wrong.

Because he isn't sure he's ready to see the anger on the demons face when he realizes that John has come back. He knows that it will be anger Hellboy is feeling- there was no way he doesn't hate John. Not after sending him as far as Alaska.

John quietly goes about his work and he's not even sure if Manning knows he's there, but then again, someone had to approve the transfer. He does his job well and keeps his head down and makes sure he's never in the same room as Hellboy. He's invisible but he's certain Hellboy would spot him right away.

A week after being back, he's walking down one of the side halls on his way to deliver a new form he created for ordering Baby Ruth's when suddenly he's grabbed. Arms wrap around him and squeeze.

John panics, certain that they're there to drag him off to see Hellboy or Manning, or worse that it's Hellboy himself.

This is why, after the initial panic fades, he's rather embarrassed to realize that he had been panicking over a hug.

"I'm so glad you're back!" Liz mutters into the crook of his neck.

He awkwardly returns the hug at first, then gives in and hugs her back for every day that he was away. He hadn't realized just how much he had missed her.

They talk, hidden deep underground, sitting in a dark hallway on the tiled floor. He feels like he's in school again, listening to his friends talk about gossip.

Liz tells him that she broke up with Hellboy, that friends work for them and that she hadn't wanted him to go.

"I didn't want to go." He tells her, but it had been this amazing job on the line.

They agree to see each other later, just as friends- nothing more, and Liz promises not to tell anyone about seeing him.

"They'll find out eventually." John says. "But I'd rather it were later. Hellboy...he won't want to see me." And that's what really hurts.

When she leaves she smiles but John can tell there's something bothering her.

Seeing Liz again gives him the courage to seek out Abe.

He hadn't realized just how lonely he was until talking to her and maybe, he thinks, it can change now.

John cautiously opens the door to the Professors office, it looks exactly the same as he remembers it and he can almost imagine the Professor walking out from behind a book shelf to tell him about the paranormal. He feels a pang of regret that that will never happen again.

"Agent Meyers." Abe blinks at him from inside his tank, slow and if he weren't used to it, unnerving. "I was hoping you would stop by for a visit."

John takes a moment to wonder if Liz had told him but shakes it off and walks into the room. Abe has a way of knowing everything.

"Considering everything we've been through, I think it's okay if you call me John." Maybe if he pretends everything is alright, maybe if he puts a smile on his face Abe won't press.

Abe nods. "If it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you perhaps turn the pages?"

John turns the pages of the various books Abe is reading, none of which he recognizes, gives him a few rotten eggs and lets their easy conversation wash over him calming his nerves. He pretends not to notice the way that Abe is studying him or how he tries discretely to get John close enough to the glass to get a reading on what he's really feeling beneath his calm exterior. For the most part though, he is calm. He'd missed their conversations, he'd missed having someone to talk to, and hadn't even realized it.

"Hellboy will most likely be by soon." Abe says abruptly and before John can help it he's stiffening in his chair. Abe pretends not to notice. "I'm sure he will be most pleased to see you back, John."

John stutters for a moment, tries to think of something to say. He could say anything from I've missed him most of all to he sent me away, he hates me and he sent me away.

He eventually settles on a hasty excuse about having to get back to work and tries not to look like he's fleeing the room.

He spots Hellboy before Hellboy can spot him.

It's a close call, he's hanging around Manning's office, waiting to leave a paper on the mans desk (without being seen of course) when suddenly Liz, Abe and Hellboy come around a corner.

It's a very long hallway and he has no where to go. Abe looks up, blinks slowly at him and Johns sure that Abe can see the terror on his face. Liz notices next and smoothly interjects into whatever Hellboy is ranting about, hand on his arm and draws his gaze from where it had been drifting towards him.

John feels a sick mixture of jealousy, disappointment and sheer relief and slips into the first room he can find. He holds his breath as they walk by, door cracked open slightly but none of them glance his way or show any sign of knowing he's there.

"I was wondering when you'd drop in."

John jumps and tries not to fall out into the hallway at the voice behind him. Manning sits behind his desk absently shifting through papers while throwing John a few amused glances.

"I gotta say Meyers you've got more stones than I thought coming back here after the big red guy got you tossed."

John winces and tries to collect himself so he can make a professional exit. He can't stand here while Manning reminds him that HB had been the one to get him sent to Alaska. He reminds himself of that enough as it is.

"But it's good you're back." Manning continues, ignoring the looks John keeps shooting at the door. He grabs another pile of papers and leafs through them while talking to John, like he has much more important things to do. He probably does. "Hellboy's been even worse, we keep having to fire the people that take over your job. The last guy left in tears." He makes a disgusted face at this. "It's giving the bureau a bad name."

"If he's any worse then it's because of the death of the Professor." John finally finds his voice and it doesn't shake.

Manning looks somber for a moment before his face hardens into the man that John remembers from before he left.

"The busted walls are because of the Professors death," he says staring John square in the eye so he cannot look away. "The increased sightings are because of the Professors death and the fact that I am now out of Whiskey is because of the Professors death. The crying agents and the fact that no one can hold down this specific job for more than a few days has nothing to do with the Professors death."

John wants to argue, wants to demand to know what it has to do with him but he keeps his lips pressed tight together, hands folded behind his back and continues to meet Manning's gaze.

"Now, before you Clay managed to hold down the position for quite some time," Manning breaks the gaze and pulls out a file. He holds it out for John to take. "But he's enjoying retirement. So- that leaves you as the most suitable replacement for, well, you."

"I can't take the job, sir." John says through clenched teeth and tries to look apologetic. "Hellboy was the one that sent me away, I seriously doubt he would be pleased to have me back."

"You'd rather go scurrying around dark hallways, avoiding him every chance you get, until you retire?" The other man challenges. John opens his mouth to say yes he would, but Manning continues with a shark like grin. "This isn't a choice Agent Meyers. You start today."

Hellboy isn't in his room when John pushes the cart laden down with food in.

It's a blessing and a curse because he's going to have to see him eventually and right now it feels like it would be easier to just get it over with.

The cats curl around his legs, either because he has food or because they recognize him. He'd definitely missed this while in Alaska. With a soft smile he crouches down to pet some of them, uncaring about all the cat hair he's getting on his suit. He's too caught up in the sheer mass of cats that he misses the heavy footsteps until a voice speaks from behind him.

"Looks like they sent fresh meat." John freezes, and the cat in front of him stares right back. It's probably laughing at him, probably knows he's been avoiding Hellboy. "Gotta tell ya, the last Agent they sent for this job left a body bag."

John takes a deep breath that does nothing to settle the racing of his heart. His knees are weak as he stands, from a mixture of finally being cornered and the fact that he's this close to Hellboy after over a month.

"Manning told me he left crying." He says as he turns slowly.

He tries to take some glee in the fact that HB looks like he's seen a ghost. His nerves are tinged with the sharp sting of arousal as Hellboy continues to stare at him, completely focused on John.

"John..."
"Agent Meyers." He corrects, jutting his chin out defiantly. If Hellboy couldn't call him John back then, why would he call him John now? "I'm the new transfer from Alaska. And your new caretaker." John steps around the dumbstruck demon and to the door, careful not to step on any of the cats. "If you need anything just let me know. I'm sure we'll have a good, professional relationship in no time." The word relationship sticks to his tongue as he tries to say it.

"I knew it was you I kept seeing around!" Hellboy seems to have gotten over his confusion, or at least part of it. John backs out the door trying not to listen and expecting the anger any second now. "Listen boy scout, we need to talk- I gotta tell you,"

"It's Agent Meyers." John corrects even if it is killing him. "I'll be back later with dinner."

He flees down the hallway, something he's become rather good at and tries not to be too disappointed when Hellboy doesn't follow.

Hellboy is polite.

Or at least trying to be. John comes in, drops off the food, picks up the old dishes and asks if he needs anything else. Hellboy thanks him, says please, even refrains from calling him John. The odd boy scout does slip out every once in awhile though. It's surreal. He's not sure how to react to it.

This is where the oddities begin.

A few days after he resumes his old job, he returns to his room to find a carton of Baby Ruth chocolate bars sitting in front of the door. He stares at it dumbly for a moment because it could only have come from one person. With a sigh he steps around the box and into his room, knowing he's being watched.

Next he actually gets called out into the field.

He hasn't been out in the field since Alaska. John walks by the large dump truck and tries not to look, knowing that Abe and Hellboy are just on the other side. He slides into the front seat next to the driver and they're off. Admittedly he's a little sloppy; not his skills but how well he reads and predicts Hellboy's movements. He'd had them all figured out before he'd left. A month had changed a lot.

He goes left at the same time that Hellboy charges forwards and they both nearly get taken out by the werewolf they're trying to subdue. No one gets bitten but John gets a scratch running down his back from shoulder blade to the dip in his spine.

It's not deep, he assured, and he's patched up, lying face down on one of the infirmary beds as the doctor applies salve and gauze. It doesn't even need stitches. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

He watches Hellboy out of the corner of his eye, watch his back as it's covered in bandages. He wonders what he's doing there- whether it's to yell at John for getting in the way or to tell him to stay out of the field because he's too weak. Both thoughts are accompanied by bitterness but Hellboy says nothing, just stands there with his arms crossed, watching.

They give John something for the pain and he can feel his eye lids drooping. He's awake long enough to see a red tail disappear out the door.

All in all he's back to work two days later when the wounds stop pulling and itching quite as much. He's had worse, toughened up a bit while he was away. And now he's back and has become determined to show everyone, to show Hellboy that he is the best for the job. That he'd made a mistake sending him away.

John's been back for three weeks and hasn't made any moves on Liz, he's hoping Hellboy has noticed; has noticed that there had been no point sending John away so he wouldn't be near Liz. Liz hadn't been who he'd been after.

He pushes the cart into Hellboy's room and then panics as large hands grab him, carefully, by either arm and force him to sit on the giant bed. John's getting ready to yell or run because he knew that Hellboy would finally snap, finally demand why John is back eventually.

But Hellboy isn't glaring at John.

"Boy scout." He begins and John doesn't even bother to correct him, not only because hearing the nickname sends secret thrills through him but also because of the look on the demons face. There's something serious and something else there that he cannot read. John continues to sit there as the stone hand is pulled away but the other hand remains. This means Hellboy has to lean forwards and they're so close, there's barely any space between them. Everything is warmer now and John's feeling a little light headed. "We need to talk."

He jerks back to reality and out of Hellboy's grip, wincing as it tugs on his wounds.

"Stay still." Hellboy growls and John doesn't really think before he says,

"Make me."

But instead of anger, surprise flits across the demons face. John stares back defiantly.

"I'm sorry." Hellboy says and this time surprise is what hits John full force. And then anger.

"Is that it?" He asks, standing abruptly and HB has to back peddle unless he wants a face full of John.

"I apologized."

"Yes, thanks for that." John says and makes to go around the demon. Hellboy blocks his way though, all muscle and confused anger.

"You're not getting it boy scout, I apologized." John stares at him for a moment before shaking his head and taking a step back. The backs of his knees hit the bed but he doesn't sit down.

"An apology doesn't just make everything better." He says and even he can hear the hurt and resentment in his words. "You had me transferred to Alaska because you thought I was hitting on Liz." It's all so stupid and childish and he'd thought Hellboy had been better than that.

"That's not why!" Hellboy growls and stalks forwards. John holds his ground lest he ends up on his back on Hellboy's bed. A large part of him wouldn't mind that but that's never going to happen.

"I'm sure you've thought up a perfectly good explanation." John snarks back, feeling anger bubbling up within him. "And once you're ready to share you obviously know where I'll be."

John uses his smaller size to slip by Hellboy while the demon is still off balance from his abrupt anger.

He doesn't look back.

There are park benches outside the bureau, hidden in a clove of trees that give colour to an otherwise gray just has to know where to find them.

John had found them his third day on the job when he'd just needed a moment to himself to take it all in. After all, he'd been thrust into the middle of an apocalypse his first day on the job.

The sunlight filters in through the canopy and John takes a few deep breathes, just enjoying the peace and quiet. This is his element.

He hears the footsteps crashing through the foliage long before he appears.

John rubs his eyes and tries to dredge up some of his previous anger for what will undoubtedly be round two but all he can feel is weariness. Hellboy is the last person he wants to fight.

"Look HB, is there any way we can just agree to be professional?" He asks and blinks up through the sunlight at the dark shadow that's standing before him. He can't make out the expression on the demons face and it makes him feel anxious.

"We already tried that, kid." It had been working alright for him. "I need to tell you something."

John sighs and braces himself for whatever is about to come next.

"I love Liz." He winces because hearing Hellboy say it is about ten times worse than just knowing it. "But we're better as friends." The bench sinks with the extra weight as HB sits next to him. John is torn between shying away and moving closer.

"I love Abe, and I loved Father and it was enough. And then you came along." John looks up, feels something in him lurch and tries to read Hellboy's face but it's a mask. "Something changed and you were always there. And I lost Father and I thought I was losing Liz to you too but nothing ever happened with you two." Something was tickling the back of his neck and it took him a moment to place it as Hellboy's tail, it didn't look like the demon was aware of it either.

"It stopped being so much about Liz and being more about you."

"Wait," John interrupts, the pieces clicking together in his mind. "You're telling me that you had some sort of hetero panic attack and sent me to Alaska?" John had had his freak out the second he'd walked through the door and had met the big, red demon. It hadn't only been the horns he'd been unable to tear his eyes from. He'd been caught up in the crimson shades and the patterns decorating smooth skin; he'd been caught up in wanting to trace them with his eye, his fingers, his mouth. It had been so overwhelming.

He takes Hellboy's silence as his answer.

"So you, what?" He demands, standing and facing the demon. "Thought I was attractive and decided to get rid of me?"

"No." Hellboy answers, standing as well.

John cringes at the blunt answer; why he'd even considered for a second that HB could ever find him attractive was beyond him.

"I thought I was falling in love with you." Hellboy never does anything half way. He should know this by now.

John stares numbly at him and tries to process the words. He tries to hold back but suddenly he's laughing and the hysteria is creeping up on him.

"It's not funny." Hellboy growls. He just laughs harder.

"It is." He says, gasping for breath. Tears are beginning to trickle down his cheeks and he's aware that he probably looks like a lunatic but that is what he feels like at the moment. "It's hilarious."

Hellboy reaches out and grabs him, hard, but still gentle with his stone hand. John looks up and sees the worry in the demons eyes and some of his laughter dies down.

"I wouldn't have told you if I'd known you'd just laugh." Hellboy sits him back down on the bench and steps back, but he still hovers over John like a protective mother hen and the idea just makes him want to laugh more. He bites down on the hysteria and tries to breath.

"I wouldn't have had to go to Alaska if you had just told me." John shoots back feeling out of breath. He can feel the tear tracks drying on his face and wipes the backs of his hands over them. He takes a deep breath and attempts to feel like himself again. "Do you love me?" He asks and desperately tries not to hold his breath or show how much he needs to know.

Hellboy looks torn and sheepish and nervous and every other emotion that John can think of at the moment. He opens his mouth, to spout off some lie or another but John cuts him off.

"Yes or no." Hellboy nods mutely. "Like the Professor or like Liz?"

"Like you." Hellboy answers and it doesn't tell John what he needs to know but HB's eyes do.

He smiles.

It feels foreign to him, like a muscle he hasn't used in a long time. But it's real and it feels good.

"I've loved you for probably as long." John admits and it feels like something has been lifted off his chest with the admission. Hellboy's eyes widen almost comically before he steps forwards and leans down.

John stops him with a hand on his chest when they're only a breath apart.

"But I do not forgive you." He says. It's with regret that he cannot forgive Hellboy just like that. Not after having him transferred to Alaska, moving John from a place he had begun to call home to a place that was cold and desolate and away from Hellboy.

If this was a fairy tale they would kiss and make up, maybe run off into the sunset together.

But it wasn't a fairy tale and John had work and paperwork and Hellboy had monsters to fight.

The hurt and regret on Hellboy's face churns John's stomach and the demon begins to pull away.

John reaches out and grasps his hand, the one barely bigger than Johns own and holds it tight.

"That doesn't mean that I can't." He continues and offers a tentative smile.

Hellboy studies him for a moment and then looks down at their joined hands. He pauses. A slow smile spreads across his face, making his crimson skin seem to darken and the swirling patterns dance; he squeezes Johns hand back.

This isn't a happy ending because things do not end.

And the ice that had clung to John finally melts.