Attack of the demented space Rhinos
Summary- This is a parody version of the third series of Doctor who.
It was a pretty normal day in the city known as London, people were rushing about doing whatever stuff they did, teenage hooligans hung on street corners giving possibly little old ladies grief and Martha Jones, a Twenty three year old medical student was on her way to her first job ever, yes that's right, she is going to work at a hospital. Suddenly her phone started playing the crazy frog ringtone and Martha took it out of her bag and answered it.
"Hello, you have reached the Phone of Martha Jones, if you would like to leave a message then please do because I am very busy" she said.
"Martha, it's your mum and don't you dare talk to me like that again young lady" came a very annoying screechy voice from the other end of Martha's phone "anyway, you do know that were having a piss up for Leo's twenty first and I expect you to be there or else you will be grounded." Martha rolled her and pointed out that she might be working but her mum screeched down the phone some more.
"Jesus christ Mum, you're giving me an ear ache, I am going to hang up now before I become permanelty deaf." Martha then hung up on her screeching Mother and then rang her younger brother Leo to tell him that she'll try her best to make it to his twenty first birthday rave and then she called her Sister Tish to tell her about the birthday rave.
"Do you reckon dad will bring his bitch of a girlfriend?" Tish asked "because if he does then I am going to give that slut a piece of my mind." Martha couldn't help but giggle a little before she rang her dad up to tell him that his gilrfriend wasn't welcome at leo's Birthday rave. Martha's dad was sitting in a ghetto limo with his girlfriend Annalise and he was dressed up in huge amounts of bling bling.
"Now yo look here ya little slut, if I wanna bring ma bitch to da rave then I shall bring ma bitch to da rave ya get me" he replied before hanging up and putting his phone in his gold pants "now baby, howz about yo and me hit da shopping centre, ghetto style."
"Oh yeah baby" Annalise replied before Martha's dad who was called Clive but chose to be called King bling bling started the engine before driving to the biggest shopping in the world and the pair of them sang rap songs all the way there.
Meanwhile, Martha was still on her way to work when a tall handsome stranger in a brown coat and pin striped suit came up to her and for some weird reason, took his tie off.
"Told you so" he said before giving Martha a cheeky wink and then skipping happily away. Martha stood blinking for about ten minutes before continuing on her way to the hospital and when she finally arrived there, some dude dressed all in black and wearing a black helmet pushed past her.
"Oi, hows about you watch where you are going" she yelled before heading inside the hopsital where she recieved a small electric shock from the lockers.
"Ow, that flaming killed, bloody bloody hurt" she cursed before putting on her white Doctors coat "now, time to get to work." Martha then left the cloakroom and bumped into the head Doctor, Mr. Stoker.
"Ah Miss Jones, I have been expecting you" he said, his fingers pressed together "since it's your first day, how about I take you to your first patient, now follow me."
"Well if you stop acting like a bloody James bond villain then maybe I will go and see this patient" Martha replied with a bored sigh before following Mr. Stoker into one of the wards where she saw the same man who had come up to her and took his tie off in one of the beds.
"This is John Smith and he came in here this morning complaining of slight chess pains" Mr. Stoker informed.
"No he didn't he came up to me right before I arrived here and took your tie off" Martha said "why on earth did you do that?"
"I never did, I've been in here all morning" he replied with another chinky wink.
"Ok, have you got a twin brother then?" Martha asked as she took out a piece of chewing gum from her pocket and put it in her mouth. Mr. Stoker cleared his throat and put his hand out.
"What?" Martha asked.
"You know fully well that you are not allowed to chew gum whilst you are working, now spit it out into my hand." Sighing, Martha spat her chewing gum out into his hand before focusing her attention on the skinny spiky haired man in striped Pyjamas.
"So, you say you are suffering from chest pains, do you mind if I have a listen?" she asked, getting her stephoscope.
"Go ahead" he replied, winking again.
"Ok but I would really appreciate it if you didn't keep winking at me, it's kind of creepy" Martha said as she put the stephoscope on his chest and then jumped back in shock "holy moly, you've got two hearts." Mr Stoker sighed and told Martha that it was impossible for some one to have two hearts plus an old woman in one of the beds was demanding blood.
"Who is that?" Martha asked.
"Oh that is Florence Finnigan, our senile patient. She is demanding blood because she thinks she's a vampire" Mr Stoker said before heading off.
"I need blood" Florence demanded "blood, blood, I must feast upon human blood." Martha walked out of the ward, twirling her finger round her ear indicating the crazy symbol. Later that day, Martha was sat in a kitchen area with one of her co-workers and she was on the phone to Tish.
"I tell you Tish, I have had the most weirdest day ever, first I met this guy and I could have sworn he had two hearts, I mean, how crazy is that then there's this old woman who thinks she's a vampire and keeps asking for blood" she gossiped "anyway, where are you?"
"I'm outside McBurger city" said Tish who was stood outside a fast food restaurant called McBurger city which is like McDonalds but they have much larger portions of fries and giant burgers "Want to come round because I am having one."
"No it's pissing it down" Martha replied before she noticed that the rain wasn't going down, it was going up "holy shit, the rain is going up."
"What are you talking about you mad bitch?" Tish asked "it isn't raining and rain doesn't go up, it goes down." She then looked over at the Hospital where Martha was working at to see a dark rain cloud hovering over it with rain pouring over except the rain was going down, it was going up and with a bright flash, it disappeared and left a huge hole in the ground. Tish stood staring open mouthed and dropped her phone onto the floor.
"Ow my god damn head" Martha cursed as she sat up and rubbed the back of her head "what was that, some kind of bloody earthquake." She then stood up, looked out of the window and realized that the Hospital was now on the moon but she didn't notice her co-worker running out, screaming.
"Now this day is just getting weirder" Martha muttered to herself before heading out the kitchen area where sheb umped into the spiky haired skinny man she had met earlier but he was now back in his pin striped suit.
"You again, are you stalking me or something?" she asked. The skinny man put his hands on his hips and raised an eyebrow.
"Madam, I am the main character in this story, therefore I can appear when ever I want to" he said "now, fancy going on the balcony?"
"What for?" Martha asked "you ain't gonna wrap you arm around my waist and passionatly kiss me are you?" The spiky haired man shook his head and told her that he wanted to go out to investigate as to why they went to the moon.
"Ok but first things first, I need to know who you are, otherwise I might have to call you spiky for the entire story" Martha said.
"Ok. Nice to meet you, I am the Doctor and I'm dead sexy" he announced with a cheeky grin.
"What sort of Doctor?" Martha asked. The Doctor was about to respond when he was suddenly interupted by screaming coming from the waiting room so he grabbed Martha by the hand and the pair of them ran into the waiting room to see people cowering and screaming as what looked like Rhinos stomped in.
"What the hell are they?" Martha whispered "bloody space Rhinos or something or nothing."
"Judoon" the Doctor whispered back "man they are so ugly, I'm way more gorgeous looking than they are, blooming ugly things, blah." Martha gave him a look right as the leader Judoon took it's gun out.
"No body move, you are surrounded by armed bastards" it said before a nervous looking man asked why they were bought here. The lead Judoon didn't say anything, instead he backed the man up against the wall and began scanning him.
"Hmmm, this bastard is human" the leader pointed out before drawing an X on the man's hand then turning to the other judoon "scan all these bitches and bastards, find the plasmavore, if you do then shoot the bastard, I'm off for a cigarette break."
"What does he mean, what is a plasmavore?" Martha asked.
"It's a blood sucking Alien, kind of like a vampire " the Doctor replied "well this puts me in a hell of a lot of trouble because I'm not human and if those Rhinos on steriods scan me with their scanner things and discover that I am not human then I am in big trouble."
"Oh my god, please tell me you're not a blood sucking space vampire" Martha said with a horrified expression.
"No, I am a time lord and I have no intention of sucking your blood" the doctor replied. Suddenly, Martha realized something very important (yay).
"Hang on, what about that old woman Miss Finnigan, she was demanding blood earlier, do you reckon it might be her" she suggested. The Doctor grinned manically and kissed her on the forehead before sprinting off with Martha following behind.
Somewhere in the hospital, Mr. Stoker was looking through what suspicioulsy looked like a naughty magazine when someone entered the room so he quickly hid the fruity magazine and turned around to see Florence Finnigan stood in the door way.
"Oh hello Miss. Finnigan, what can I do for you?" he asked. The old woman grinned in a way which would probably make you shit your pants and slowly made her way towards him.
"You do know that those rhino things are looking for me don't you?" she asked. Mr. Stoker gave her a look of pure confusion and asked the pensioner if she had been taking her pills today.
"Oh but I don't need pills" she said as she brandished a straw "what I need is your blood." She then clicked her fingers and two guys dressed all in black with black biker helmets marched in, infact they were the ones who almost knocked Martha to her feet.
"Hold him" she ordered the two tall black clad things who marched in and grabbed hold of Mr. Stoker to prevent him from escaping and Miss. Finnigan stuck the straw into his neck and began sucking his blood and as she was doing so, the Judoon were still going around scanning people and marking them if they were human. One dude got hold of a hammer and whacked the leader Judoon over the head with it but it was not harmed as it's head was like a rock.
"Gimmi that you bastard" it roared as it swiped the hammer away and disintigrated it "and if you dare mess with me again, then I'll come round to your house and stamp on all your toys." The leader judoon then stomped off grunting just as the Doctor and Martha came running down the corridor and into Mr. Stoker's office where they caught Miss Finnigan draining the remains of his blood and she saw them.
"Holy shit, it's granny dracula" she pointed out before rushing out, followed shortly by the Doctor. Miss Finnigan ordered her two minions to go after them and soon they were being chased all over the hospital as a bunch of mucisians who where there for no apparent reason played the yakey sax song.
"God my blooming feet are aching" Martha complaint as she came to a halt and the Doctor offered to give her a piggy back ride so she got on his back and the Doctor continued to run with Martha on his back from the two dark coloured humanoid things with the black helmets until one of them chased the Doctor and Martha into a nearby X-ray room.
"Get off my back Martha, I need to deal with this thing, whatever it is" the Doctor said as Martha jumped down from his back.
"I am a slab" the thing said in a voice which kind of sounded similiar to Darth vader's. Martha looked at it and raised an eyebrow.
"Erm. you don't look like a slab, you look more like a biker dude to me" she pointed out.
"I am not a biker dude you bitch" it roared right before the Doctor blew it up with radiation by plugging his sonic screwdriver into the X-ray machineand turning it up atl east one million times than average and after the process was finished, the poor Doctor's sonic screwdriver was melted.
"Awwww I loved my sonic screwdriver" he said in a very said voice before placing it in a box and holding a funeral for it "people, we are gathered here today to say farewell to this sonic screwdriver, a trustworthy and handy object who sacrificed itself to stop a vile baddy, now let us pray." The Doctor then got down on his knees and began praying as Martha watched from the other side of the room with a raised eyebrow.
"What does he eat?" she muttered as the Doctor finished praying and the got up.
"Right, shall we go and find Bat granny and hand her over to the judoon?" he asked. Martha shrugged and nodded before they ran into the leader Judoon.
"Oh hello mate" the Doctor said as the leader got out it's scanner and scanned the Doctor.
"You bastard" it roared "you're not human you bastard, you're nicked." It was at that moment when Martha decided to knee the leader judoon in it's sensitive area before the pair of them ran for it down the corridor as the yakety sax music played yet again.
"God I hope they don't keep playing this everytime we do a running scene" the Doctor complained as they hid behind a corner.
"Well I hope Mr. angry Rhino guy doesn't think that you're the evil blood sucking alien vampire thing" Martha said before realizing something again "hold on, what if Miss. Finnigan isn't drinking human blood but absorbing it to mkae herself appear human." The Doctor grinned in a very cheesy way and kissed Martha passionatly on the lips.
"You madam are a genius" he said right before he headed down the corridor leaving Martha speechless and with a huge grin on her face but it soon faded as the Judoon came stomping towards her.
"Hey Rhino boys, I know who you're looking for, it's an old lady called Miss. Finnigan, she's the blood sucking alien you're looking for" she told them as the leader pushed her up against the wall and Martha wasn't very happy about that "well that is no way to treat a lady is it." The Leader Judoon ignored her and began scanning her with it's scanning device thingy mabob.
"You are a human that has been hanging around with that non-human ain't you?" it asked "here is some compensation." The leader Judoon gave Martha a little plastic card thing with weird writing on it.
"This is compensation?" Martha asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes, accept it or be arrested" the leader Judoon barked "when all this is over, I'm going for a pint." The Judoon thens tomped off and Martha ran down the corridor just as a man with floppy hair wearing a tweed jacket and a bow tie came running round the corner.
"Oops, wrong series" he said before running off again. Meanwhile, the Doctor ran into a nearby catscan room where he found Miss. Finnigan and the remaining slab.
"Oh my god, I have been running all the way through the hospital because some weird Rhino things were chasing me" he said out of breath "I think they want to eat me or something."
"Oh ha ha, you think those Rhinos are looking for you?" Miss finnigan asked in her evil granny voice "well they are not after you skinny imbecile, they are looking for me but since I drank that mr. Stoker's blood, I appeared human on their scanner." She then cackled like a witch before ordering the slab to hold the Doctor.
"Excuse me madam, but what do you think you are doing?" he asked with wide eyes.
"I want to drink your blood" Miss. Finnigan replied as she goto ut her blood sucking straw "then I after when I am finished with you, I'm going to use that giant cat scan thing to blow up the earth and this hospital then I will fly away in the Judoon's space rockets."
"You are one crazy bitch" the Doctor said.
"Indeed I am" Miss. Finnigan replied as she slowly approached the Doctor with her straw of doom.
"Uh oh" the Doctor simply said. Elsewhere, Martha was still running down the corridor and yet again, the yakety sax music was playing.
"Oh for god sake, will you lot stop playing that song everytime there's a runing scene" Martha yelled to the people who were constantly playing it "it's very irritating." The musicians stopped playing and Martha continued to run down the corridor and into the cat scanning room where she found the Doctor laying seemingly dead on the floor and Miss Finnigan holding a blood soaked straw.
"You murdered him you bitch" Martha growled. Miss. Finnigan chuckled evily and the Judoon came bursting in.
"Don't move, you are surrounded by armed bastards" the leader judoon said again "what the bloody hell is going on here?"
"She killed the Doctor" Martha said, pointing to Miss Finnigan who was cackling like a witch again "she drank his blood, she, Hang on, she drank the Doctor's blood." Before the leader Judoon could do anything about it, Martha grabbed hold of his scanner thing and began scanning the evil blood sucking old lady Alien and it read her as non-human.
"Oh bugger, I'm for it now" the old lady simply said as the Judoon blew her up with their lazer gun things.
"Don't mess with us angry space Rhinos" the leader said before turning to the others "come on lads, let's go for a pint, I've been gagging for one all day."
"But what about the Doctor, that old wrinkly bitch killed him" Martha yelled but the Judoon stomped away grunting and an Alarm went off, indicating that the oxygen was running out.
"If they won't help the Doctor then I will" Martha said as she got down on her hands on knees and began giving the Doctor the kiss of life and when he came back to life, Martha fainted because the oxygen was running low and she had used what was left of hers to save the Doctor's life.
"Oh, I had the most wonderful dream" the Doctor said before he noticed that Martha was lying passed out on the floor "oh shit." Suddenly, there was a giant earthquake and the hospital was returned back to Earth. Tish Jones was still stood in the same place as she was before with her mouth still hanging open plus everyone in the hospital had magically come back to life after almsoy dying from the lack of oxygen.
"God this has got to be the most weirdest day of my life" Martha said before heading off home and on her way she saw the Doctor stood outside a burger bar, eating a burger and he didn't even see her walking past. When she got home, Martha decided to take a little nap until her alarm clock which played the bed intruder song went off and she started getting ready for Leo's birthday rave which was soon ruined by Annalise who claimed that Martha had made the whole thing up about being on the moon.
"Don't you dare call my daughter a liar you bitch" Martha's mum Francine told her "if she said she went to the moon, then she went to the moon ok." Annalise scoffed and then said something about the whole lot of them being thick and this caused Francine to grab hold of her hair.
"Say that again missy and I'll pull your hair out" she threatened.
"Your family are thick morons" Annalise said which resulted in a huge cat fight between Francine, Tish and Annalise. King bling bling clive was trying to break up the fight, Leo didn't even realize what was going on because he was passed out drunk and soon there was a circle of people stood around the three fighting women chanting "fight fight fight."
"That's it, I'm going home" a very annoyed Martha said a she walked away and bumped into the Doctor again.
"Oh it's you" she said.
"What's wrong with you madam, you look so annoyed" he teased with his cheeky grin.
"Oh, it's just my mum and my sister having a scrap with my dad's girlfriend which is nothing new" Martha said "god if only I could just go away from this place for abit."
"Then you've come to the right guy because I, the Doctor have a time machine which can take you anywhere in time and space" he announced.
"yeah right" Martha said.
"No it's true honestly" the Doctor said "follow me." He then led Martha down a back alley way ( don't worry, he isn't going to try it on with her) and there stood a blue police box, slap bang in the middle.
"Ta-dah" the Doctor said, gesturing to the Police box "this is it."
"This is you're time machine?" Martha asked. The Doctor nodded and asked her if she fancied going on a trip through time and space.
"Oh I'd love to but I've got work and shit" she replied.
"Ahem, this is a time machine, I can travel a million years into the furture or past and I could get back for tomorrow morning" he told her "so, fancy it." Martha stood and thought for a while with the Doctor knitting a pair of mittens as he waited for her reply.
Thirty minutes, five minutes and two seconds later.
"Have you made up your mind yet?" the Doctor asked as he finished knitting the thumb part.
"Yes, I have decided that I will go travelling with you and I don't care what my mum says, I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions" Martha pointed out "so, did you like travel back in time to this morning, come up to me and take your tie off?"
"Yeah, watch" the Doctor said before he got in his time machine and Martha watched in amazement as it vanished and then re-appeared two seonds later.
"Oh my god, that was like totally amazing" she said as the Doctor re-emerged from his Tardis with his tie off.
"Come on then" he said as he opened the door for her. When she stepped through those doors for the very first time , Martha was quite shocked to see that it was bigger on the inside.
"Welcome, to my wonderful tardis" the Doctor said as he appeared in front of Martha, wearing a top hat and holding a cane.
"What in the name of Coronation street are you doing?" Martha asked just as music suddenly appeared and the Doctor began to sing.
"Come with me and you'll be, in a world of pure imagination, take a look and you'll see into your imagination." Martha stood staring at the Doctor as he began dancing around the console room, singing.
"We'll begin, with a spin, travelling in a world of my creation, what we'll see will defy, explanation" he then twirled his cane and did a little spin "if you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it, anything you want, to do it, want to change the world, there's nothign to it, there is no life I know to compare with pure imagination, living there you'll be free, if you truly wish to be." The music then stopped and the Doctor did a little bow as Martha simply stared at me.
"So, you never told me your name" he said as he threw the top hat and cane to one side.
"Martha Jones" she replied as she took a chewing gum out from her pocket and popped it into her mouth "don't mind me, I need to chew my chewing gum."
"I am not complaining" the Doctor said with his cheeky grin "chew all you like, so Martha Jones, welcome to the tardis." The two of them shook hands and that was the begining of an epic adventure for Martha Jones.