Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush.

This is gonna seem REALLY depressing at first, but I hope you stick with it, cause it'll be epic and beautiful.

I hated for Alex to see me cry.

Normally I tried to contain myself while she was around- I tried to be cheerful and positive for her. She really didn't understand what was going on- I couldn't expect a four-year-old to fully understand that her father has passed.

My mom never let me see her cry, and because of that I always viewed her as a strong woman. Even when my father passed when I was a kid, she always kept her composure and never let her character slip. I grew up without a father, and even if Alex has one to spare, James would never be replaced. Even when I shared the news of his passing to my mom, she said I know it's hard, Kendall, but she can't see you break down.

My heart panged at the thought of his name.

I stood before his casket, our daughter in my arms, staring. He looked so beautiful in there- like always. Those perfect lips would never kiss me again, never kiss Alex again, never offer a huge grin again. His hazel eyes, which matched Alex's, would never again open and fill with anger or lust or happiness or tears. He looked so handsome in his honorable army uniform, his gunshot wounds invisible beneath the material.

I looked over and Alex's hazel eyes caught my green ones and she twisted her lips.

"He's a angel, you know," she said simply. I let out a choked laugh, wondering where the hell THAT came from. She had been to church maybe five times in her life. "That's what Los said. That daddy has wings now and he's protecting us."

"That's right, baby. Are you gonna miss him?" I asked with a sniffle, trying to pull myself together.

"I already do. He didn't come see me for my birthday," Alex pouted. "He said he would."

"He was busy," I explained. "But he would have come if he could."

"Yeah…" Alex sighed. I knew she missed him, even if she didn't see him a lot. I remember she was so heartbroken when Daddy didn't come light the candles on her birthday, and she didn't want to blow them out until he answered our webchat call and watched.

"Al?" I murmured, getting her eyes on mine again. "Do you understand that Daddy's not visiting anymore?"

"Los says he's always with us now."

"He can't hug you or kiss you or call you anymore," I clarified.

"Yeah… But he'll kiss me goodnight every day. And you."

Tears filled my eyes again and I had to avert them. I was glad that Carlos talked to her about angels- I think it made it easier on them. It made it easier on me, to think for a second that James really would kiss our daughter goodnight while she sleeps. It was something he wished he could do every night while he was alive, but he had to settle for a few phone calls a week instead.

"Go find Logie, okay? Ask him for a snack," I said softly, letting her down. She ran off in her little deep red dress, her chestnut curls blowing behind her as she went to find my best friend.

I looked down at my husband once more, but found that I couldn't. It really freaked me out, how still he was. My James was ALWAYS moving- never still. I wondered how he survived boot camp like that.

Instead, I moved to look at the pictures set up around the coffin.

There were some of James and Carlos as little boys at hockey practice or climbing trees. Even through twenty years, those two were still closer than I could believe. I wasn't really affected by the photos until I got deeper into his life.

Pictures of him and me at our wedding grinned up at me. Him mushing cake into my face, us kissing, our first dance, our smiles brighter than the sun. Then there were pictures of the day Alex was born- James holding the tiny pink bundle with a new light in his eyes. That was his biological baby- we spent loads of money on a surrogate mother. We were planning on a surrogate pregnancy with my child after he got out of the army, but that will never happen. There were pictures of James on his knees, holding Alex's hands above her head as she took her first steps. The last pictures were of him and I reuniting one time at the airport when he came home. I never wanted to forget that rush of pure joy- I had my baby back for a few days. Then there were some of him and Alex, then him and Carlos reuniting.

My throat closed as I shut my eyes, feeling a tear streak my face.

"You okay?" I heard a familiar voice, and a hand on my back. Logan.

"No," I sniffled, wiping at my tears. Logan's cheek rested on my shoulder and he rubbed my back soothingly.

"It's gonna be okay," he murmured. "You have me and Ally and Carlos."

I turned to my best friend and he hugged me as I let out a sob. Logan had been there for me since I took him under my wing in high school. He was the nerd who was always picked on, I was the hockey star with a big heart. We hadn't separated since.

The funeral itself was hard, but I think the hardest part, the part where I was absolutely sobbing into Carlos' shoulder as he sobbed into mine, was the burial. There were soldiers there with an American flag, carrying his casket to the sight. It was a long ceremony, and I didn't see much of it. Logan stood back and held Alex as she watched solemnly, all four of us jumping as the soldiers shot a few bullets before taps was played.

The burial made everything real. It gave me a sense that I was LOSING him, although I already lost him. Once the dirt was over him, there's no seeing him ever again. I think there was a part of me that hadn't accepted he was dead until then.

Carlos held me with a death grip, sobbing like a kid. I couldn't blame him. James was his life-long best friend. But he was MY husband, the love of MY life, and the father of MY daughter.

At the end of it all, both Carlos and Logan offered to come home with Alex and me, but I insisted I needed time alone.

I pulled he blankets over Alex and dropped to my knees by her bed. I rested my chin on my hands and looked up at her.

"I miss Daddy," she said solemnly.

"I know… Me, too, pumpkin," I sighed. "But he loved you very much- he would have given anything to kiss you goodbye one more time."

"I wish he could," she said, holding her stuffed cow to her. Her hazel eyes filled with tears for the first time, and I think it hit her that her daddy was GONE. No more meeting him at the airport, no more playing princess with him, no more snuggling with him, no more late-night phone calls.

Her little pink lip quivered and I reached up to stroke that hair that matched James'.

"I don't like the guy that hurted him," she said. My eyes dropped and I nodded understandingly.

"Daddy had a lot of friends that fought with him," I said softly. "I think they hurt that man right back. I think they hurt him really bad for hurting Daddy."

"Good."

"Go to sleep, baby girl. It'll be better tomorrow," I said, sweeping her tears away from her olive-colored cheeks. "I promise."

I gave her a gentle kiss on her lips and she hugged my neck pitifully.

When I stood, her eyes were in the air beside me. I traced her gaze, thinking maybe Logan came in or something, but there was nothing there.

"I think he's there," she said thoughtfully. "He's invisible."

I looked over, imagining James standing beside me, looking over at me with a little smile. Immediately I squeezed my eyes closed and turned away. I took a deep breath and opened them again, finding Alex smiling at the invisible "Daddy" her imagination conjured up.

"Night, pumpkin. I love you," I said softly.

"Love you, too."

I paused before leaving, looking around. I wasn't much for faith, and I didn't really believe in ghosts. But… What if he WAS here?

I whirled around to see Alex snuggled into her blanket, eyes closed with long lashes over them. I imagined James bent down to press a long kiss to her temple, like Alex said he would, and I choked and hurried out.

Everything I did after that made me think of him.

I tried to clean the kitchen, but I kept picturing him sitting at the table watching me as I worked, telling me that my ass looked good.

I tried to take a shower, but I thought about how in the mornings I would take showers and he would come in and shave and do his hair. Then I pictured him poking his head into the curtain and kissing me goodbye before going for a workout with Carlos.

Then before bed I imagined him roaming the house, locking all the doors and windows before turning off all the lights and checking on Alex. THEN he would come in for bed.

Although I went three months straight since he last visited without all that, his death stirred up so much emotion in me. Suddenly I missed him like crazy. I wished I could see him just one more time while he's NOT cold and hard in a casket.

I sat on the bed, his navy blue hoodie in my arms.

I had been sleeping with that hoodie since he joined the army- I hadn't washed it. Every time he came home I made him wear it to get his smell on it again, and tears rushed to my eyes in realization that I would never get to renew his scent again.

The sob I had been holding in since we got home suddenly came out and I buried my face in the hoodie.

Why him? He was so generous, so caring, so blithe… Why HIM of anyone?

I jumped out of my skin as my radio alarm clock suddenly went off, blasting static with a bit of a radio DJ talking. Hurriedly, I turned it off, confused, and stared at it.

"J-James?" I asked.

Needless to say, nothing happened. Okay, I didn't really believe in ghosts and didn't have any strong opinions on spirits or angels. But I thought that even if James was here as an invisible force, it was better than nothing.

I sighed and shook my head.

"Stupid alarm clock," I muttered, wiping my eyes. I finally picked up the envelope on the night stand addressed "My Honey" . I was dreading this. I had a whole box of the stuff from his army locker and stuff he wanted Carlos, Logan, Alex, and me to have, and I didn't know when I would be able to open it.

I opened the envelope to find plain computer paper, his messy writing in pen.

Hey, Sugar Ass,

I hope you never ever ever ever ever read this letter. I mean, mostly because if you are, I'm dead, but also because I know you'll cry a lot. I hate when you cry.

First thing's first, I wrote you this letter because I know there's a huge chance I'll die every single day, and I have a lot to say to you, mister.

I wrote a few letters to Alex, and I'll write more, and I'm telling her that I'll always be there. I know Carlos and his faith, he'll tell her I'm an angel. But Kenny, I have no IDEA what happens when I die. I like to sit here and think that if I die, I get to walk around with you and Alex and be with you every day. I'm not sure how much fun that'll be-you won't know I'm there and won't be able to hear me. But then there's a chance that there's nothing at all that happens when I die, and I'm just gone forever.

Right now I'm at base writing to you. I think about you a lot- not as much as Alex, but I mean I think about you in bed and when I need a hug and stuff. I miss you like no other. I figured that writing letters would make me miss you less, but right now I miss you ten times more.

The guys were talking about if they die, if they would want their girlfriends or wives to move on.

Of course no one wants to see their loves move on and kiss someone else. Who would I be to tell you to never love again? But deep inside, I don't want you to move on. That's selfish, though.

No, I don't want you to move on, but you will. There's one person I know will take care of you and Alex, and one person who I want you to be with forever if not me. Carlos.

By no means am I saying to move on immediately. I'm just saying I want you with Los. Alex could grow up with him and he would take care of you guys. He claims he's straight, but I'm telling you, sweetheart, he loves your ass.

Don't take this as an order, soldier. Don't take it as a last wish. Take it as a strong suggestion. Just don't let her call ANYONE else "Daddy". Only you and me.

I feel like a mushy mess, but I love you. A lot. Like, more than the day we got married. I hope I never forget the way your lips taste, or how your arms feel around me, or how hard you make me cum. I feel weird telling you this, and that's why I'm not planning on giving you this letter unless something happens to me. Sometimes I lay in my cot and I imagine you beside me. I think about your head on my shoulder, and you talking to me about anything- it doesn't matter. I just love your voice, and it still sounds so clear in my head.

I miss you so much… I keep a wedding picture in my pocket all the time, right with the pictures of everyone else. It's the one of our first dance. I was kissing your cheek, but my back was to the camera. I love the picture just by how happy and cute you look in it. Your dimples showed in that unbeatable smile that always melts me. When I need to remember you, I want to see that. I don't want to think about how sad you looked last I saw you when you were hugging me goodbye at the airport.

Great. Now I'm crying.

I have to go. But before I do, I wanna ask you to do something.

Go to the park with Alex and find our tree. I dunno what time of year it is, but I imagine things have been dreary at home and I just want to cheer you up. So take Alex to the park and find that cherry blossom tree that you and me talked about having a baby under and that Alex said her first words under. If it's in season, pick some cherry blossoms for me.

THEN stop being a downer and go play.

Okay? Okay.

I love you, Kenny.

-James

11/8/13

I smiled a little, running my thumb over the letters. He had written this five months ago, but the amount of thought and preplanning he put into it amazed me. I knew James was smarter than he lead on to be, but I wouldn't have thought to write "just in case" letters. He obviously put a lot of thought into conditions of things if he died and I was reading his writing.

I wanted to cry, but I was too tired. Instead, I read the letter a few more times before turning the hoodie over and inside-out, trying to find his scent. I settled for a slight James-smell near the tag, and I guess that's when I fell asleep.

This might be a little sad, but it'll also be a love-story, so don't worry! :D

What do you think so far?