AN: I have a deep, deep love for this story. I wrote it for my friend Flavia's birthday a month ago. Needless to say, she loved it.

It's incredibly stupid, but she likes the ridiculous, as do I.

I mean, she wrote a story called The Cookie Mystery. It was about cookies. IT WAS AWESOME.

Oh, and speaking of cookies, review and you'll get virtual ones!

• •

One day, a girl named Flavia was walking down a road with her two cats.

"Come, Vladdy-Vlad! Come to me!" Flavia, otherwise known as Flaffla or Flaff, pulled on Vladimir or Mimo (her cat)'s handmade leash. "You too, Fusa! I am your master! Obey me or die!" She also tugged on Fusa (or Don Q, her other cat)'s leash.

The two cats meowed in protest, but Flaff paid no attention. "Come! You izza so fluffy! So fluzzy! Yaah!" Suddenly, she pulled them both up into a tight, furry hug. "I love you Vlad and Fusa! Yah!"

Suddenly, a huge portal appeared beneath Flaff. She dropped the cats onto the grassy ground, where they looked at her with what seemed to be evil expressions. "NOO, FUSA! VLADDY! DON Q! MIMO! NOOOOOOO!"

And then, all she could see was darkness.

• •

When Flaff woke up, she was in a cabin that smelled of rotten meat. She heard nearby footsteps as she looked around, disoriented.

"Oh! Yer awake!"

Flaff's eyes widened and she screamed. "AAAAAAAAAHHH! WHO ARE YOU?"

"I'm Hagrid!"

"AAAAHH! HAGRID! That explains stuff... Like why you're a giant and stuff... But WAIT! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EXIST! I THINK I TOOK LSD OR SOMETHING! AHHHHHHH! I'M HALLUCINATING! AHHHHH! I MEAN, WHAT THE FREAKING HELL! YOU— YOU'RE FROM HARRY POTTER! YOU CAN'T—"

"Hold yer hippogriffs! What're ye going on 'bout? Summin' 'bout Harry Potter? Of course, silly, everybodeh knows 'bout Harry! He's like the ultimate celebrity child!"

"WHAT?"

"Did ye take some Confundus Potion? Because ye look strange. Wait—ye a Muggle?"

"NO, I'M NOT A MUGGLE!" Flaff lied with her best cheery smile.

"Well, that's good. Ye want some cake?"

Flaff was inclined to say yes, but having read about Rubeus Hagrid's total fails at cooking kept her from saying yes. At least for the sake of her teeth. "No thanks," she said while Hagrid's dog, Fang, licked her knee. "I think I'll pass."

Hagrid chuckled to himself. "'Ow come I've never seen y'at Hogwarts?"

"BECAUSE I'M A SPECIAL CHILD!"

Hagrid looked apprehensively at Flaff. "Alrigh'..."

"Now take me to Hogwarts, Hagrid!" Flaff grinned.

"I have tasks t'd—"

"TAKE ME TO HOGWARTS OR I'LL DIE!"

"Alrigh', alrigh'!" Hagrid replied, now worried for the girl's sanity. On the way out, he mumbled, "Special child indeed..."

"What was that, Haggy?" Flaff chirped, ecstatic to be in the Harry Potter dimension.

"Nothing!" Hagrid said quickly, clearly in distress thinking of what this strange girl could do to him.

Meh, the worst she could probably do was push him down a well, and that shouldn't be that bad. With that thought in mind, Hagrid and Flaff trudged happily towards the castle.

• •

Meanwhile, in the castle, Hogwarts students were going off to their common rooms after dinner. When Hagrid had escorted Flaff to the door to the Great Hall, he left, and Flaff looked around, trying to catch a glimpse of a student she recognized.

"IT'S YOU!" Flaff screamed abruptly, pointing her index finger towards the three students ahead. They turned around: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. "YOU'RE HARRY POTTER! AND YOU—YOU'RE RON AND HERMIONE!"

Hermione looked at her cautiously. Ron looked pissed, and Harry looked plainly surprised. Flaff hurried forward and glomped all of them in turn. "Hiiii! I'm Flaffla! And I am your ultimate overlord!"

"She's mental!" Ron said.

"Ron, shut up!" Hermione hit him.

Harry laughed amusedly. "Hello, Flaffla."

"Where's Draco? I demand Draco!"

"Eww, she demands Malfoy. Let's get out of here." And then the trio walked off.

"Awww!" Flaff whined.

"Did someone say... Malfoy?" said a voice after a poof noise.

"DRACO!" Flaff glomped him. "HIIIII!"

"Hello."

"HIIIIIII!"

"Who are you?"

"HIIIIIIIIIII!"

"What?"

"Hi, Draco, HIIIII!"

Draco watched stupidly as Flaff began to have a fangirly fit and another portal appeared under her.

"Noooo, not this again!" Flaff yelled. "DRAKIEEEE!"

"Bye-bye." Draco waved like Miss Universe.

"NOOOOO!" Flaff yelled. And then once again it was dark.

• •

And then Flaff woke up again. This time, to the noise of a screech: "Big Daddy V! I found a person!"

"Oh, shut up, will you, Bellatrix? You've been giving me a headache all day. Don't make me Avada Kedavra you."

"No, my Lord, I will keep quiet! I PROMISE!"

"YOU'RE SCREECHING AGAIN! SILENCIO!"

"Mrrfmuurrrffpikachuuuuu!"

"Alrighty. Now, who are you?" Voldemort asked Flaff, who was looking at him with a baffled expression.

"I..."

"Yes?"

"Am..."

"..."

"Your..."

"Spit it out!"

"Father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate!"

"What?" Voldemort yelled. "And what the hell does that make us?"

"ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, VOLDY! Which is what YOU are about to become!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE CRETIN! AVADA—"

"SUPER FORCE SHIELD KITTY CAT GO!"

And out of the sudden force field, millions of kitties flew out towards Voldemort and started licking him and scratching him.

"Nooo...KITTIES! I'm allergic to kitties and all cute! Nooooooooooo! NOOOOOO! I...am...VOLDEMORT! I am...DYING! AHHHHH!"

And Voldemort turned into ash.

"YEAH!" Flaff screamed.

Bellatrix rushed forward, yelling, "PIKACHU!", as she was still under a wrongly cast Silencio spell.

"NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" Flaff yelled.

"Mrrrf?" Bellatrix stopped, dumbfounded.

"I really wanted to say that. Bye, Beller!" Flaff waved cheerily as another portal appeared from under her.

• •

This time, all the people from the Harry Potter world and Flaff's cats, Vladimir and Don Q, were in a huge night club with strobe lights and smoke machines and funky music.

"DANCE PARTY EVERYONE! Ua ua!" yelled Flaff, doing a disco dance.

"YEAH! BONGA BONGA!"

"BURUNDANGA!"

"TIMBOCTU!"

And they all danced for eternity.

The End