How Twilight Should have ended

A/N: Do NOT read if you are a Twilight, Edward, Bella, or Jacob fan! This is strictly for people who enjoy Twilight bashing! I do not own anything, be it Twilight, Alaska, Sarah Palin, or anything else that may appear in my fic. About all I own is the bag of pretzels sitting next to my computer… But not their copyright, just the right to eat them.

Bella hummed slightly to herself as she walked across the University of Alaska campus. She had been turned into a vampire, and had decided that, since she had gone through high school, she might as well go to college.

"Hey," called Edward as he rushed up to her, and gave her what would have been a human-bone crushing hug.

"Hey," Bella replied back. Even as a vampire, he still managed to take her breath away, the only difference was that now, she didn't need the air. She noticed the obsidian colour of Edward's eyes. "What do you say to a hunting trip tomorrow? I think that we could both use it."

"Agreed," Edward grinned his crooked little grin at her.

The Next Day

The two hunters were out in the woods, trying to find a deer, or other suitable "vegetarian morsel". What they were not aware of, was that they were not the only hunters in the forest that day.

"Mmmmm, this is some good quality deer Edward, you should try it," Bella called as she sucked the life out of Bambi's mother.

Edward sampled it, "You're right, I detect a high vitamin C content, and suitable iron levels." Bella nodded, agreeing.

"Oh, did I tell you that my friend Jacob is coming up to visit? Yeah, he should be here any moment." Edward stared at Bella in shock.

"Bella, do you really think that it's such a good idea-"

"Oh, hi Jacob," Bella greeted the enormous wolf. "Who's my fuzzy puppy? Who's my fuzzy puppy?" Jacob let out what sounded like the wolf equivalent to a bark, and thumped his tail on the ground.

Meanwhile….

"Shhhhh… I think I heard something, that way.." The predator pointed in the direction where she thought she heard her prey.

"I don't know how you can hear anything here." Her companion remarked.

"I'm a hunter, it's one of my abilities." She replied. Her companion shrugged and headed in the direction she was pointing in.

"Bella, would you stop petting the mutt, we're not done here." Edward huffed impatiently.

"Awwww, fuzzy puppy, fuzz puppy," Bella was still cooing.

All of a sudden, a blast of sound ripped through the air, and Jacob's wolf face was shot right off. That wasn't the end of it either, Edward and Bella looked up, to find that they had somehow missed the helicopter that was hovering above the trees.

In the helicopter, the hunter poked her head out, giving Edward and Bella a good glimpse at… former GOP vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin!

"Quick Todd, there's two left!" Shrieked Palin.

"Run Bella, I'll fend her off!" Edward said dramtically to Bella (Why they both didn't run, I don't know, but considering the entire series is illogical…."

"No Edward! I won't leave you!" Bella screamed, when BAM! Both Bella and Edward lay shot and dying.

"Okay Todd, take her up, these ones are too small for trophies, they'll ruin the refudiation of the trophy room," Sarah called. (yes, refudiate is the word that she made up on twitter.

Todd gave her the thumbs up, and took the helicopter up.

"Damn it Edward!" Bella cried dying, "I thought that you said we were immortal, that's the only reason why I loved you in the first place, I was entirely obsessed with not dying and remaining young for all eternity."

"Apparently, even us vampires cannot resist the power of Palin and her helicopter huntingness." Edward replied before what Bella said really sunk in. "Wait, we're lying here, dying and the last thing you're telling me is that you never really loved me, but just wanted immortality?"

"Pretty much," Bella affirmed.

"Just checking," Edward answered. "By the way, you're a whiny, self involved bitch."

And with that, they both died.

This is the satisfying ending to my tale. I hope you enjoyed it, both Palin lovers and haters alike, and Twilight haters… Just haters, although, if you like Twilight and this, then I salute your open mindedness.

Peace out,

Diana