The knife was as cold as Death as I remembered it.
I couldn't stop the tears from flowing out of my eyes. They welled out, streaming down my cheeks and down my tensed neck. I couldn't stop myself. I just couldn't.
Did he have to die? Because of me?
There he was, his life torn away and, along with it, my own. Why? It wasn't his fault. If anyone had deserved all this, it was me. Just me. No one else. I was responsible for all this. Mo had died because of me. He had wanted to save me.
I didn't know why, but I had done it. I had jumped in front of the van, wishing for death itself to come and consume me. I didn't want to live anymore. My heart ripped apart. I had only done this because I wanted him to be happy. Without me. Mo had made out with Taye, but I wanted to be with him. I loved Mo. I wanted him to call me his.
But if he didn't want me his...
I had wanted to just... disappear. Like I had never existed. And that was why I had leaped onto the street. That speeding van, it was about to hit me.
It was like time slowing down when I could feel Death rub my cheeks gently. Death asked me whether I was ready to go, and I had said yes. I had wanted to go with Death, and leave this world. I didn't want to stay in this horrible place anymore.
And so Death had agreed for me to go, but before that, Death took Mo along before me. Mo had saved me, pushing me off the road and taking the toll himself.
He had died on the spot.
No, none of that had gone to the ears of the other dancers. And hopefully, I'll be long gone when they do. I don't want then to stop me. My mind was made up. I would go away.
More tears slid down my cheeks, and my eyesight blurred. All existence turned into a fuzzy, obscure scenery. I could feel Death call me again. Are you sure? Death asked. Mentally, I nodded. I was ready for anything. I would go.
First, I unbuckled the black watch. Alone in the kitchen, I put the watch away. Then, I studied my wrist. The skin was smooth and unscathed, but not for long. A scar would soon be slashed across its surface.
Oh, yes. The first cut. I moved the knife and forced my right arm to stop trembling. I gripped the knife so hard, and then placed the tip on my left wrist. Then I slowly, ever so slowly, drew it back. The blade tore my skin apart, letting the blood trapped under it flow freely.
The cut was small, only about two inches long, but it was releasing so much blood that I felt like I didn't need to cut any more slashes. Still, I kept working with the knife, feeling the blade slice hot and cold. It was an exploding pain, but at the same time hypothermic. It was like the collision of fire and ice against my wrist. I actually thought it was impressive. It all felt the same.
This was hypnotic.
All my memories spun in my head. I remembered every small aspect of my life. Any trace that my eyes had overlooked, now I saw. It was like Death was taking me through my own mind, traveling before I could finally leave.
Now I felt my head spin. Was I losing consciousness? Something told me yes. I closed my eyes, sinking into delirium. Soon I would leave, soon... even if I would see Mo again, I was to go.
Then darkness swept over me.
•
•
•
I practically dented the door, smashing it open. It was so early the sun wasn't up. It was just pure luck that Taye had been warned about Mo and what had happened. Now the question was, where was Glitch?
Taye had been so shaken up that she didn't bother looking for Glitch. That left me to look for Glitch on my own. Maybe he was just crying his eyes out somewhere, but maybe I could comfort him.
Now here I was, in Mo's kitchen. Luckily I had found the keys in Mo's pocket. After they let me have it, I ran straight here. But now, I almost screamed.
Glitch was lying against a low cupboard, his eyes closed, and there was blood streaming from his wrist. There was a knife in his right hand's grip, and his cheeks were drained from life. He was devoid of feeling. I ran up to him. "Glitch!"
He didn't move. I grabbed the knife and slid it across the floor away from us, then shook Glitch's shoulders. "Wake up!" I yelled, almost furiously. I barely noticed the hot tears in my eyes. "Please!"
And at that moment, his eyes opened. Miraculously, he spoke. His voice was so soft, so calm. "T... let me go... please, Tia," he begged. His green eyes were as pleading as his voice. I couldn't understand. He wanted this?
"I won't, Glitch," I choked out. His eyelids fluttered, and I panicked. Finally, I grabbed a rag and tied it around his wrist, making sure I stopped the bleeding. Glitch was already slipping in and out of consciousness. He was dying.
Silently, I begged for him to stay. Don't go...
With him now comatose, I had almost no idea what to do. I grabbed my cell phone and immediately ordered an ambulance.
Don't go, Glitch. Don't go.
•
•
•
I woke up to the bright light shining into my eyes. And I didn't appreciate it, either. I didn't want to stay alive a second time. Between Life and Death, I had been on the border twice, and I had failed to cross the line. Why? I didn't want this life anymore. Why did this happen to me?
While I kept my eyes closed again, I couldn't stop a fresh flow of tears. I wanted to cry again, to scream. I had no more purpose in life, did I? This agony was both painful and embracing.
Did T have to come? If she didn't interfere, I would be riding in Death's carriage by now, pulled be devilish horses away from this life I lived. She just had to rescue me, huh?
Well, maybe life wasn't so bad after all. With Mo, it was perfect. It would have been much better than what it was now. Was I even worth coming back? I was destroyed, shattered. Without Mo.
Death was calling me again, but Life wasn't going to let me try a third time. My mind was made up. I wouldn't leave again. No, not this time. T had saved me; I owed her something. She had worried about me, and what if I had given her 'goodbye' and left with Death?
Maybe I'll give her a chance after all.
•
•
•
Three weeks. Three weeks since he had gone into the hospital. Three weeks since Mo's funeral. Three weeks since I had saved him. Three weeks since he had changed. A painful twenty-one days.
I didn't know what he was feeling like now. He was still feeling it, I knew. But so was my sister. Broken down, although she wasn't as hurt as Glitch. I felt bad for both of them. I hadn't known Mo all that well, but we did meet a lot since he started visiting Taye. Glitch didn't seem so happy about it then, and he probably wasn't any different now.
To be honest, I felt guilty. Guilty for saving him. Was it wrong to save a person who had wanted to die? When I had helped him, I saw dried tears. He had an actual will to leave. He was driven my madness so great that life was a trifle to him.
My heart ached for his loss of a brother. My feelings weren't so different for Taye either, but at least she was beginning to make the best of it. Of course, she was recovering well, but when someone mentioned Mo's name she would suffer a minor breakdown. I wish I could've helped her. The problem was, I couldn't just resurrect Mo. What hurt was that I just stood there worrying about Glitch instead of my own sister. But Taye was stronger than Glitch; the Nano kid was, well, glitched beyond repair.
Oh, how I wished I could help him.
•
•
•
Not a day could go by without me crying. It helped. Locking myself alone and wishing for Mo to come back and tell me what a fool I've been. Because if he did, he would be right.
My teardrops were colder than the blade that had sliced my wrist. So cold that burying them in my pillows didn't help. I just broke down and fell to my knees sometimes. It was all like a dream. I just wished that, one day, I would wake up and find Mo by my side again. I missed him so much.
I hated my dreams. Each one was filled with thoughts of Mo. I couldn't sleep at night ever since one dream. He had gone up to me and stroked my hair, rubbed my forehead and ran his finger against my neck. I was sitting on a bench and it was cold, and then he asked me, 'What's wrong, Nanobyte?' and his voice was so soft that I couldn't reply and bit my lip. It was so real that I hugged him, but before I could wrap my arms around him he disappeared into thin air.
Without sleep, I was like the most miserable human alive. I just wanted Mo back, and nothing more. Nothing at all. He was everything. The rest of the world could go to waste, if he was by my side.
Just as I was about to lose myself again, I heard someone knock on my door. I didn't feel like answering it. I didn't want anyone disturbing me. But I still opened the door anyway.
It was Lil'T.
Her eyes were shining with concern. She was wearing a shirt and jeans, with a jacket tied around her waist. Her hair was tied up in two curly puffs. I looked around, expecting Taye to be with her, but she was alone. I began the conversation. "It's you," I muttered brusquely, not wanting her to reply.
She still did. "I... I just wanted to see you." Her eyes were set down. I sighed. "Well, I'm not gonna lock you out, so betta get in quick." She smiled a bit, then delicately stepped in. "Thanks, homie."
"You do realize I haven't been dancing so much for the past month, right?" I asked. She nodded, then put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault. It's mine."
"It's not your fault either."
"You don't understand."
"Maybe not, but you should stop blaming yourself anyway."
"How can I? He's gone."
"Keep dancing, for one thing. Make him happy, make him proud. He'll want to see you bringing up Hi-Def again."
I felt a smile creep up my lips. "Maybe I will."
"That's the spirit." She got up, as if about to leave, but I stopped her. "T... stay with me for a while."
She turned around. "All right, then." Even though that was what she said, her eyes flashed with worry. This time, I asked her if anything was wrong. She replied with, "It's Taye. She's feeling it too."
I nodded. "But she's okay, right? You should stop worrying about everyone. You'd get hurt."
"It's okay, Glitch. Don't 'cha worry, it's nothing really."
This time, I let her leave. But before that, in front of the door, she looked at me, as if expecting something. I walked closer, and then our eyes met. At last, we broke eye contact, and she walked out without another word.
Still, it made me smile. As the door closed and left me alone again, I felt another tear come down my cheeks, but it wasn't because of sadness anymore. Lil'T gave me another chance.
Another chance at life.