It was horrifying. The amount of times that Dan could recall himself having a complete break down was completely horrifying to him. Surely he was stronger than that. He wasn't someone that broke down under the slightest pressure...right?
This is all that filled Dan's mind as he paced his bedroom floor at four in the morning. He knew Phil was probably awake and listening to him pace, waiting for him to sit down to come check on him like he always did.
Once he'd calmed his thoughts, he stopped, sitting down against the side of his bed. "Okay. This is it. This is the last time we're doing this." he said to himself, something to force himself to actually calm down the rest of the way.
Phil came in a few moments later and gave Dan a look. "You alright?" he asked.
The younger glanced back at Phil before he smiled faintly and nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine," he said, shrugging.
"Because you being fine is why you're up at four in the morning pacing." Phil commented sarcastically before he gave his friend a soft smile. "Get some rest, okay?"
Once Phil had gone back to bed, Dan sat staring in front of him, thinking everything through.
He took a deep breath and sighed, getting into bed and settling down to sleep without much more thought.
The following morning, Dan watched carefully, noting how everything seemed just the same as it had last night. Except, he couldn't help but feel like things were about to change. Something he'd been wanting for a while now. Something besides the constant existential crisis', the fear of things he knew weren't real. Phil never seemed bothered by anything. Sure, he sometimes got overwhelmed and would freak out a lot, but Dan noted that he had never really seen Phil break down before.
Well, now that he thought about it, there were times where Phil had seemed off, but admittedly those were well deserved and the older of the two barely ever got like that.
Dan however, knew he was almost always in that state. He couldn't help but wonder how it ended up like this. Or how anyone could actually stand to be around him for long periods of time.
"Seriously, are you okay?" Phil asked after Dan had been staring into space for about five minutes, slightly concerned for his best friend.
Dan blinked at him before nodding. "Yeah, totally fine."
Nothing more was said as they went about their day-to-day business - sitting on the internet, pretending to actually do work. But Dan couldn't focus like he normally would. He couldn't get his brain to shut up for long enough to actually enjoy his time online.
As such, after about an hour, he closed his laptop and got up, getting a strange look from Phil and ignoring it, disappearing back to his room.
He stared for a long moment at the camera before he set it all up and started recording.
"Hello, Internet! This is going to be a short one, I'm sorry." he said, giving his signature smile to the camera. "I've been thinking a lot recently, this thing we have going? It's pretty great. I love it, you guys make me feel like I'm not totally useless. I mean, you guys actually talk to me about your problems, and that's pretty awesome. So I figured, if anyone could help me make sense of all this, it would be you guys. Normally, I'd just take it to Phil or try and sort it out myself but..I can't."
Phil moved to stand in the open doorway, curious. Dan noticed him and gave a weak smile before he looked down and spoke.
"I feel like I've just started to shut down more and more recently. I'm not sure if it's normal or if it's just my brain's way of telling me that I need a change or I don't know, some sign that the world's going to end soon. Who knows?" he said, shaking his head with an amused grin. "Point is...I need help. And I can't get it because I don't know what I"m doing."
Five minutes longer and he bid everyone a farewell and stopped recording, beginning the editing process.
"Dan.." Phil spoke softly from the doorway. "Why didn't you say something last night?"
Dan shrugged, but said nothing.
Phil looked down, sighing. "You know all of us have those little break downs right? Sure yours are a bit worse, but that's because you've been through a lot. Don't ever feel like you can't ask for help, okay?" he pointed out.
Dan looked back at Phil and gave a faint smile, nodding. "Thanks Phil." he said, turning back to the editing.
That day was the day that Dan realized what he saw about himself looked completely different to everyone else. To him, he felt like he was a total wreck that no one liked. To everyone else, he was a friend, to some a hero. And that's all he needed. It wasn't him who needed to change. It was the way he thought about himself that needed to change. Sure, he'd still have break downs, and days where he felt like he didn't want to exist anymore, but he knew he'd always get through it. Because that was his happy ending.