Bad Dog, No Biscuit
Or, Inuzuka Kiba's Even Longer Day. Kiba roves. Here, Kiba! Here, boy! Unfortunately, Kiba is not quite the player he thinks he is. Will there be anyone to appreciate his animal magnetism and rugged charm? KibaEveryone ftw, NejiTen for the bonus win, unrepentant CRACK
Disclaimer: I do not own Kiba's dead sexy bod. I do not own Sakura's CFM boots. I do not own Tsunade's enormous breasts, although my breasts are honestly pretty enormous and I can relate. I do not own Temari's sexpot stare. I do not own Tenten's kajillion femmedom toys… weapons, I mean weapons. I do not own Akamaru. I do not own a whip or a ball gag. (That has nothing to do with this story, but you want to read it now, don't you? Sicko.)
Author's Unnecessary Self-Indulgent Intrusion into the NarrativeOkay, so I've been writing a lot of "serious" fic lately, and by "serious" I mean "not as cracktastic as you all know it could be." And I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and, after admiring my ultra-sexy potbelly, I decided that something was needed. Something with inner dialogues, something that makes no sense in canon, something… cracky.
Enjoy.
o
Bad Dog, No Biscuit
o
It was just like his sister, he reflected, just like her, to go and ruin his bowl of cereal. "What do you know about it," he sneered, digging his spoon in with more vigor than was strictly necessary.
Hana gave him one of her patented and well-practiced "are-you-kidding-me-did-you-actually-just-say-that" looks, the kind that made the tattoos on her face seem especially long and dark. "Because I am a woman, genius," she said coolly. "That gives me a certain insight that you, unfortunately, lack."
Kiba expressed his opinion of this statement with a snort.
"You're not listening to what I'm telling you. Women won't like you if you don't respect them," Hana told him. "If you keep going through life mentally stripping every goddamn kunoichi you see, you're not going to last long as a ninja. Because – and listen to me when I say this – they will find out. And they will not think you are either cute or funny for sexually harassing them."
He scoffed. "Girls love me," he said. "Right, Akamaru?"
Akamaru took a momentary break from devouring calf liver on the floor below him and yipped.
"Girls think you're a sleaze. Take my word for it," Hana said.
"They do not!"
"Oh grow up, Kiba. Sooner or later they're going to find out how you think about them when they're not looking, and then you're going to have a whole different opinion of girls. And a lot of bruises."
She left with one of her high-horse slams of the door and he stuck his tongue out at it and finished his cereal. He sulked in the kitchen for all of an hour after she left for work and argued with her in his head. Ha. What did she know. He was great. All the girls loved him. Obviously. And why wouldn't they? He was hot stuff.
His problem, according to his sister, was that he had a tendency to take every kunoichi he saw and picture her naked, with the small exception of those that were related to him.
Kiba, in his own defense, had tried to explain to her that he didn't picture every kunoichi he saw naked. Just topless.
Well, so what, he thought. Kunoichi are hot. He knew they could all probably kill him and would if he told them so outright, but that was part of what made them so hot. There was just something about a girl with a kunai. Or a shuriken. Or a bo staff. Or her own bare hands and a kick-ass jutsu. Or a rope. Definitely something about rope… and snakes… and fishnet bodysuits… and sexy black katanas… How could any red-blooded male with an ounce of testosterone not think kunoichi were hot? It amazed him that he was able to get through most days without drooling all over his shirt.
He got caught up in his reverie for a while (something about the word fishnets), then he reminded himself that he had a point to prove to the world, and the day was young.
o
In Kiba's opinion, out of all the kunoichi in Konoha, Sakura had the hottest outfit. The boots! Who had given her the boots? He had to find this person, and he had to get down on his knees and thank him or her from the bottom of his heart. Kunoichi in general were hot. Sakura was especially hot. Sakura with knee-high boots?It made his brain want to implode.
And she was so friendly. So trusting.
"Good morning, Sakura!" he said with a smile, bounding up the street on Akamaru.
"Good morning, Kiba!" she said brightly.
Look at that smile! He was willing to bet that if he asked her out right here and now, she would be all over him. He stepped off of Akamaru, who gamely let his head fur be mussed by the young medic-nin.
"Are you on your way to see the Hokage?" Sakura asked him.
See? She wants to know if we can walk there together. Because I'm dead sexy.
"No, I'm supposed to meet with my team," he said a little sadly. "But do you maybe want to grab breakfast or something?"
Sakura smiled at him brightly. "Does that mean you're paying?"
Think fast! Think fast! "Sure!"
Everything was going so well. It was Kiba's second breakfast, which meant the day was off to a good start. Sakura was always happy to stop by and have a chat with her friends. Kiba had the uneasy recollection that he seemed to have heard something about Rock Lee still being after her, but he seriously doubted Rock Lee would be stiff competition. Come on, with those eyebrows? No way he could score a chick this hot. And Naruto had finally started picking up on the subtle hints that Hinata might, you know, just maybe be kind of interested in him, a little. And as a result Naruto was no longer in the running. Not that he had ever been, of course.
As far as Kiba knew, his only potential competition was Uchiha Sasuke, and since that guy was still MIA he didn't let that slow him down.
Destiny waited for no man. He cozied up to her at the counter. Akamaru made a little whine and Kiba fished a bit of meat off his dish with his hands and tossed it to him. Sakura raised her eyebrows. "Sorry, he gets his table manners from me," Kiba said.
Sakura laughed.
She thought he was reaching over to pat Akamaru on the head – surely she wouldn't notice…
"So," he said to Sakura, "got any missions today?"
"Um, not today. Today Tsunade-shishou's going to teach me how to… what the hell are you doing?" she screeched, jumping out of her seat. "Get your hand off my butt!! Are you trying to grope me?!"
For half a second he had the decency to act slightly sheepish. But he had to give it a try: "Do you want me to?"
In another half a second his nose was bloodied, and there was a long, fresh earthy trench in the street. And at the end of the trench, in a rather uncomfortable pile of flesh and clothes, was Kiba.
"She likes me," he said to himself.
o
He was stuck down there for a good few minutes after she huffed off in high fury, until Shino and Hinata finally came upon him and helped him out. They didn't need to ask who was responsible for this situation. Onlookers were still discussing the scene nearby.
"Ano… what did you do to get Sakura so mad?" Hinata asked bashfully. She reached down to help him up while Shino stood with his hands in his pockets and his sunglasses low on his nose.
"Oh, so automatically it's my fault," Kiba replied bitterly.
Sakura was also rather smart, he reflected, but Hinata, his kind little teammate, was way too nice to suspect his intentions to be anything less than friendly. (Well, they were friendly. Extremely friendly.)
"So what are we up to today?" he asked them after he had brushed off his pants. He happened to note in passing that Hinata was wearing a top that displayed her… attributes… rather effectively. He tried not to zero in on it too obviously, but he had the feeling that Shino knew exactly what was going through his head. Shino, unfortunately, seemed to be the kind of guy that just couldn't appreciate certain things in life. A pity, in Kiba's opinion.
"Ano… we have to report to the Hokage in two hours. I think she has a mission for us," Hinata said softly.
"Does she now?" Kiba said, leaning his elbow on Hinata's shoulder in a friendly way, not at all trying to get a better view.
"Yes. It would be in your best interest to be punctual," Shino added.
Kiba stood up straight. He had the distinct impression that Shino was giving him the stare of the dead.
They started walking along the street at a leisurely pace when an idea suddenly struck Kiba. "Hey Hinata – we've got two hours. How about we train together, just you and me?"
"Oh… um..."
Hinata walked a little in front of the other two, which allowed Shino to lean in toward Kiba without Hinata noticing. "Kiba," Shino said coolly under his breath so that she couldn't hear.
"Eh?"
"I understand that your hormone level is unusually high and you have lacked a certain self-control around females of late," he said, "but I would prefer, on the whole, if you refrained from molesting our teammate."
Shino was never big on facial expressions, but Kiba had learned to read his moods, and the undercurrent of buzzing that he heard right now was indicative of imminent ass-whooping.
"Ha ha, I don't even know what you're talking about!" Kiba whispered with a grin.
Hinata, meanwhile, had been touching her fingers together. "Ano… I'm going to see Naruto-kun at the ramen stand for lunch, but maybe…"
"Oh hey, don't worry about it," Kiba said while he tried to ignore the swarming sound that was coming from his other teammate. "I'll meet up with you before the meeting!"
Mentally he scratched her off the list again. (For the moment.)
o
Shino and Hinata went off to prepare for their mission, but Kiba felt that he was ready as he would ever be. And this street was an excellent spot to watch the Konoha foot traffic. After an hour of scoping out prey on the street, his nose twitched. What was that? He recognized that scent. It was very distinct and very definitely not from Konoha. He knew that scent. Was that… could it be…?
His head swiveled over to the opposite side of the street.
She had four blonde pigtails, two blue eyes, and several pounds of iron fan that made even the most inanimate of trees shiver with apprehension.
The Sand kunoichi was hanging out at a table in a tea house, eating dango. He liked that she always wore her hair up. It left her neck nice and visible. And he liked the way she wore that black outfit. Most kunoichi weren't shy about showing leg, but all she gave you was a little slit of skin, if you were lucky, when the wind blew, which was probably a good thing, he considered, because from what he remembered she was hiding some pretty distracting legs. And she was on her own! No ugly brothers in sight! Excellent!
In his mind he rifled through a list of potential introductions as he sidled up to her.
Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams. If I bit my lip, would you kiss it better? If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Suzuki? Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I? That is a lovely dress. It would look even nicer on my bedroom floor. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
"Did it hurt?"
She popped the last dango into her mouth and looked at him blankly, noticing his presence for the first time. "Excuse me?" she asked, still chewing.
"I asked you if it hurt."
"Did what hurt?" She was already leaving money on the table while sizing him up with her cool, critical gaze. He had to make an effort not to stare at the dip in the top of her outfit.
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
For half a second he had hope. Her hand stopped moving, and her expression was carefully devoid of emotion, but she didn't try to kill him.
And then she deadpanned, "Keep dreaming, dog boy."
He sighed, whimpering slightly as she walked away, thankful for small consolations as her hips moved in a way that made his loins itch. I hate to see you go, babe, but I love to watch you leave.
o
Other efforts proved fruitless. He only had about half an hour before they were to meet the Hokage when he suddenly spotted Hinata again… but no Shino to be seen! He ran over to her, Akamaru on his heels, and he felt his mood suddenly lift.
"Kiba!" she said happily. "I was just talking to Shizune, and I think they're going to delay our mission until tomorrow. It's going to be a long one though. Maybe three weeks."
"Wow, is that right?" he asked, throwing a companionable arm around her shoulder. Hinata blushed slightly, but Kiba pretended not to notice.
"Ano, yes, we still have to meet for the briefing however."
"Oh, well, I was just headed over there, if you want to walk with me…"
His hand definitely not trailing anywhere it shouldn't be.
Suddenly – and Kiba could not for the life of him figure out how – Naruto landed in front of him.
"Naruto-kun!" Hinata said, smiling.
Naruto was grinning, too. Somehow the expression didn't quite reach his eyes.
"I just dropped in to talk to Kiba for a second!" he said.
"Ano… I'll wait for you upstairs, okay Kiba? Shino should be here any minute."
Hinata escaped from Kiba's arm and disappeared into the Hokage's tower.
Kiba scratched the back of his head happily. He was clearly innocent here, right? Why was Naruto looking at him like that? The smile was still there, but the eyes were getting strangely… feral.
"Hey Kiba, have you ever heard of a jutsu called 'One Thousand Years' Pain'?"
Kiba had a very bad feeling about this.
"Uh, no, I don't think I have."
"Kakashi came up with it, but I've added some special modifications of my own. I'd be happy to show you! Anytime!"
Kiba backed away nervously.
Ten minutes later Team 8 was in the Hokage's office, and she was trying to say something to them. Kiba heard this: blah blah blah mission, blah blah, Byakugan blah blah blah clients from River Country blan blah blah breasts blah blah blah escort these traders blah blah Shino blah blah blah breasts breasts breasts.
Some of that might have gotten confused with Kiba talking to himself.
"Kiba!" the Hokage shouted.
He snapped to attention. "Eh?"
"I'm up here, Kiba."
Kiba's gaze relocated to her face. It was a tough job, but he managed it. "Huh?"
Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Inuzukas…" she muttered.
o
Slightly disappointed with his track record, but by no means dissuaded from his own personal mission for the day, Kiba considered Tenten for a moment. She was sitting on a park bench, sharpening one of her thousands of kunai. She wasn't like other kunoichi – she always kind of reminded him of a little girl. A little girl that could pick out your entrails with any number of the pointy steel instruments that were at her disposal.
There was definitely somethingabout a girl with a sword.
She suddenly noticed him watching her. She looked up and smiled.
And she looked so lonely there, all by herself…
Kiba had spotted a new victim. Well, she had already noticed him. It would be rude not to walk over and say hello. Akamaru, of course, beat him to the punch.
He had carefully trained Akamaru and they had had many heartfelt conversations to produce the understanding that if certain lenience was exercised when it came to accepting doting attention from female ninja, a generous amount of doggy treats would picture in his near future.
Akamaru's head immediately went to her lap and Tenten's fingers immediately started to ruffle up his fur. Akamaru gave his best friend a patently obvious shit-faced grin as she proceeded to scratch behind his ears with vigor. Akamaru was clearly of the opinion that he got the better end of this deal. "Awwww… Akamaru! Who wants some love, huh?" Tenten said, as if she were talking to a baby.
I do! Kiba thought.
"Aren't you a cutie! And you've gotten so big! What a big boy you are!"
Yes I am!
"My god Kiba, what have you been feeding him? He's huge!"
Oh, the responses he could provide to these comments.
"Nice day for a walk, isn't it? So what are you up to?" he asked conversationally.
"I was supposed to meet Neji for training and he never showed. He must have gotten called away on a mission or something and didn't have the chance to tell me," she said with a sigh.
Kiba's instinctive homing beacon picked up the scent of a disappointed female. He plastered a friendly smile on his face and sat down next to her on the bench. He caaaaasually stretched out his arm and slouched down and let his arms run along the back of the bench, so that one hand just happened to be, accidentally of course, behind Tenten's neck.
"He seems like a real prick," he said with a companionable smirk.
Tenten laughed at his audacity, but didn't correct him. She didn't seem to notice where his hand was headed. Kiba's optimism spiked. "But… he's a really great ninja. He just doesn't have time to… you know… train with other people every day."
"You're a really great ninja," he said in a low voice.
Tenten giggled.
She looked so cute with those little buns on her head. And those cute dimples when she smiled. And he bet she had the cutest breasts under that loose shirt of hers. He was picturing them even now. They were probably bigger than they looked – stood to reason that she'd have to tie them down pretty good to be able to throw around all those weapons, right? They were almost definitely bigger than they looked, he decided, silently imagining himself freeing them while she babbled. And she had the cutest little blush on her cheeks…
"He got a solo mission last week," she said. "He's getting more of those lately. He's really in demand. He's almost as good a tactician as Shikamaru, and…"
"Hey, what are you doing tonight?" he asked her, cutting off the Neji-adulation abruptly.
"Huh? Oh… I don't know. I was going to train with Neji, but I guess I'll just train by myself. Lee's out of town too and…"
"Wanna train with me?" he asked.
She looked stunned. "Really? Are you free?"
"Sure – meet me at training ground #3, 6 o'clock?"
"Sure! Thanks, Kiba!" she said with a bright smile.
o
Akamaru sat and watched them fight with detached amusement.
"You're fast," she said, panting, "but not fast enough."
It was disconcertingly difficult to get around her defenses. Sitting with her earlier today, he was convinced that she knew he was flirting, but right now she was all business, and that cute little grin was plastered on her face because she was winning more often than not. He had agreed to forgo ninjutsu in order to work on their more physical skills, hoping she would pick up the hint, but he was realizing that this might have been a huge mistake. He always thought Tenten was perky, but it turned out that perky was just a cover-up for physics-defying fast.
Oh well. The look on her face when she won a point and he gave her a sheepish smile was too cute for words.
When he finally did win a point against her, he didn't waste the opportunity. He knocked her over, acting as if it had been part of his offensive scheme, and quickly pinned her to the ground. Victory at last!
"Very good, now get off me," she said, a trifle impatient.
"Do I have to?" he asked, looking down at her with his best kicked-puppy pout. She was just fucking adorable at the moment, her cheeks all flushed from the workout, her hair starting to come undone.
"Yes!" she said with another giggle. "Unless you want me to cut your arms off with a blunt sword, I suggest you remove them."
Before he could stop himself, a low growl rumbled in his throat. "I love dirty talk," he said.
A look of confusion passed over her face. "Kiba, wha…" He cut her off with his mouth before she could finish the question. For a second he had captured her impossibly soft lips and he was flush with success, but then he felt a foot on his stomach and he didn't have time to think before she launched him through the air and away from her body. He landed on all fours, panting. "Kiba!" she yelled as soon as he landed, quickly struggling to her feet.
Hmm… what would be the best way to play this?
"It was an accident," he said, grinning with faux innocence as he stood up.
"Like hell it was! What do you think you're trying to do?" she demanded angrily. Her hands were on her hips and her eyes looked furious.
A different tactic then… quickly! "Seduce you," he said. He started to walk toward her again.
"You… what?" she asked, perplexed. Her eyes widened comically.
Kiba grinned so that his incisors were poking out between his lips. "You heard me."
Tenten didn't even blink. She stood paralyzed with shock while he stepped closer. When he was just a few feet away from her, her face suddenly contorted. He froze when he realized that that itchy feeling on his collarbone was a gigantic kunai she had poised to drive through his trachea. He stared down at the weapon and then back up at her. Her brown eyes were stony. "Are you out of your fucking mind?" she yelled. "I just wanted to train, you perv!"
"Are you sure about that?" he asked, smirking.
The kunai pinched. "Yes I'm bloody sure! Ugh!"
She withdrew the kunai, Kiba exhaled, she turned her back on him furiously, and he started to feel just slightly disappointed. It almost seemed as if she weren't even interested in him. He didn't know where that thought was coming from, but it seemed that his superior natural senses were picking up on her subtle hints.
"I can't believe you! You perverted jackass!"
Time for another change of tactics. Time to pull out all stops. "Look, I'm sorry," he said.
Tenten crossed her arms and looked at him skeptically.
"I didn't mean to offend you. I just… I've always kind of had a crush on you," (well, he'd kind of had a crush on every female ninja in the village, but – moving on…), "and Neji never seems to appreciate you. I thought… gee, I don't know what I was thinking. Can you ever forgive me?"
Tenten turned away from him, then abruptly turned back toward him. She still had a guarded expression, but it was softer, just a little. "I'm sorry," she said, "but I've never felt that way about you, Kiba."
"It's Neji, isn't it," Kiba said, his voice especially sullen. "You and him…?"
"What, Neji? No no no, we're just teammates," Tenten said hurriedly with a nervous smile and a fake laugh that betrayed her true feelings completely. "Neji doesn't… that is Neji would never… I mean to say Neji and I just aren't like that. He's got so many important things to worry about and I'm just…"
"Then he's blind," Kiba said. How far could he ham it up without arousing her suspicion? Time to find out! "He's a total fool!" he cried passionately. He took a step toward her, hesitated pointedly, let his face fall, and then turned around, his shoulders hunched. "But I understand if you don't like me. You don't have to say anything. I'm just not one of those guys that win the girl. That'll always be someone like Neji, I guess…"
He looked back at her with the best, biggest puppy eyes he could muster. Then he motioned over to Akamaru, who duly trotted to his side, his tail limp, his head hanging low. "We'll just go home now," Kiba said softly. "I'm sorry for ruining your day."
Akamaru whimpered pathetically.
"Sorry boy," he said, giving him a pat on the head. He turned to go again, wondering if he should add a little sob or if that would push it over the top.
Just as he started to walk away, he heard Tenten say, "Kiba… wait."
He paused and turned his head.
"I'm really not interested, and I'm sorry about that, but listen… if there's ever, well, anything I can do…"
"There's one thing," he said.
"What?"
"Kiss me," he said. "Just once. I know it won't mean to you what it means to me, but… it'll be like goodbye. Please?"
Oh, she was biting her lip. She was looking conflicted. But she wasn't saying no. There was a chance…
What's this? She was walking over to him! He kept his face carefully in control. He had to keep his feelings in check or else she would see right through him. He lifted his eyebrows hopefully. She grabbed the collar of his shirt and she was leaning in and score score score score! She was kissing him. A little timidly, it had to be said, but that didn't stop one of his hands from starting the journey to her rear…
"Tenten!"
Their lips parted in an instant.
Hyuuga Neji looked… rather…
Kiba thought he had seen Neji mad before. During the Chunin third round preliminaries, when he was fighting Hinata, Neji had definitely seemed mad. Fighting Naruto in the finals he had looked pretty mad too.
But Kiba now realized that, in comparison to what he was seeing right now, those two instances had shown Neji in his best, cheeriest, most merciful mood.
Um… Byakugan were supposed to be white, weren't they? Not red! Definitely not red!
Akamaru looked up at him and said in his doggy language, "Nice knowing you, buddy."
Kiba scratched the back of his head nervously and smiled brightly. "Oh… er, hi Neji!"
Neji stepped over to him calmly. His mouth was very firmly not smiling.
Well, Tenten had said there was technically nothing going on between them, so Kiba was clearly within his rights, and if Neji had a problem with it then he had lost his grip on logic.
Neji's fist pulsed with chakra and smashed into a nearby tree. The tree promptly fell over.
"Inuzuka," he growled.
Before he could dodge it, Kiba felt another fist in his shirt, this one decidedly less welcome than the last one that had grabbed said shirt, and he was being lifted off the ground and slammed into another nearby tree. Kiba's chest started to collapse and his life flashed before his eyes.
"Neji! What is your problem?!" Tenten cried.
"Yeah Neji, what is your ow ow ow…" Kiba reiterated. He was cut off because Neji had apparently changed his mind and decided the best method to hold him up would be by his neck.
"What do you think you're doing?" Neji said coldly.
"I fail to see how it's any of your business!" Tenten snapped. Her cheeks were bright red – whether from embarrassment or from anger or from kissing Kiba, it was hard to say.
"You're my teammate," Neji said evenly, speaking to Tenten but staring directly at Kiba with eyes that would make a statue wither. "If someone tries to take advantage of you, it is my business."
Tenten gaped at him. "Oh my god… give me a break. Who does a kunoichi have to kill around here to get some play?! Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wanted to be taken advantage of? And for hell's sake Neji, drop him already! He can't breathe!"
"That's the idea."
"Neji!"
This was not going in a pleasing direction for Kiba. What he needed was for Tenten to act like she liked him when Neji wasn't there, and then act like she disliked him when Neji was. Not the other way around. Also, he had never intended to die of asphyxiation. It would be a rather inglorious way to go, even if it were for a noble cause.
Tenten was building up a head full of steam. "What difference does it make to you who I… hang out with or whatever? You've obviously got more important things to do with your time so I don't see why you even care…"
"I thought we were meeting at the old training grounds."
Her mouth snapped shut for a second. "I clearly said the park."
"My mistake," he admitted. Nevertheless, the grip on Kiba's neck didn't slacken.
"That's beside the point!" Tenten said. "You can taunt me when we train and boss me around during missions but for your information you have no right to think you can tell me what to do with any other part of my life. I'll kiss whoever I want to kiss and it isn't any of you business. Now let him go!"
"I do not taunt," Neji said rigidly.
"You do so taunt! In fact sometimes you can be a… a real prick!" she shouted, echoing Kiba's words from earlier.
Unexpectedly, his grip loosened just a little. Kiba added to the conversation a strangled gasp.
Just in time to jerk his head back from a fuuma shuriken that suddenly whizzed by a hair's breadth away from his nose.
It seemed that Tenten was getting rather emotional.
Neji dropped Kiba finally, but as he reeled back he was hit by a barrage of kunai, which he deflected with his kaiten, perhaps purposefully, so that they were redirected at Kiba, who was sitting in a choking heap at the root of the tree. "Tenten, calm down," Neji said reasonably.
"Me calm down? Me calm down? I'm not the one with the murderous intent at the moment!"
Kiba would have begged to differ, but instead he ran for cover as another hail of pointy steel objects rained down from above. Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn't like being controlled in denial of her slavish affections for an obsessive and apparently overprotective bastard. Or something to that effect.
Kiba was doing some quick calculations in his head as he hid behind some shrubbery massaging his swollen neck. He realized his chances for getting any action here were quickly diminishing. On the other hand, his chances for making a discreet escape before the Byakugan user systematically murdered and disemboweled him were creeping steadily upward. He decided it was time to cut bait and made a run for it while Neji and Tenten were starting to get serious. He'd never really seen them spar before and was a little surprised with the ferocity of it, and how many weapons did Tenten have exactly? There was now more steel than green in the forest surrounding them.
"I'm just looking out for you," Neji said coolly, deflecting another rain of shuriken.
"I don't need you to look out for me!" Tenten yelled as a scroll fluttered next to her face. "You're saying that I'm weak?"
"No! …"
"Then what are you saying, exactly?"
Kiba dodged a morning star and made a dash for the next tree. Okay, he'd make a temporary retreat for now and then reappear as she was cooling off and offer to take her out somewhere, and she would probably be so pissed at Neji she'd agree to go out with him just out of spite.
He listened to their argument barrel on as he slipped away.
"I thought you liked…" Neji began, and then he trailed off awkwardly.
"Who, you?" Tenten said spitefully, whipping out a bo staff. "You expect me to fawn all over you like one of your stupid little fangirls? You want me to save myself for you or something? You're a Hyuuga! You see everything! You must have seen that I was in love with you years ago and you didn't do a damn thing about it! You just brushed me off like you did everyone else. So what, I'm supposed to hold out for you just in case you decide to come around someday?"
"Wait… what?"
"I'm done. I'm over you, Neji. I don't need your protection and I don't need your… anything else."
"Hold on, what did you say just now?"
"Don't play dumb with me!" she shouted.
"But I thought you liked… Lee," he said.
o
When Kiba returned twenty minutes later to seek out a Tenten on the rebound, he was rather disappointed to see that Neji had her back up against a tree, and it didn't look like there was any room to get between them.
Obviously, girls were only attracted to jerks.
He watched with mild amusement as the couple grappled with each other for several minutes, lost their balance, and toppled sideways onto the forest floor, apparently making every effort not to lose any physical contact between them while they did so. Neji's clothes were rather a mess and Tenten's top was half off. Tenten appeared to have bit Neji's lip in the process of falling to the ground, and the blood was trailing all down his night white shirt. How curious that he didn't even notice.
It was better to get out of there while all parts of Kiba were still intact. As much as he would have liked to watch, he knew it was no use hiding from the Byakugan, even if the Hyuuga in question was currently rather distracted. Kiba turned and huffed his way back to the village severely annoyed, Akamaru trotting at his heels.
At least there was some satisfaction in seeing that he had been right about her breasts.
o
People went to bars to score chicks, right? Maybe it would work for Kiba, since nothing else seemed to. The bartender took one look at him, rolled his eyes, and served up a tonic water, pretending not to hear his request for a row of tequila shots.
A few minutes later he spotted a mostly inebriated Anko. He wondered if all the stories about Anko were true and decided that tonight was the night to find out.
After he failed to buy her a drink (but clearly showing the effort counted, right?), she whispered lustily to him to meet her out back by the dumpster in five minutes.
Kiba went. Kiba waited. Flies buzzed by the dumpster. Kiba waited some more.
Forty minutes later he wandered back into the bar, wondering what had kept her, and the bartender told him she'd left with two other guys almost forty minutes ago. All of them had been laughing at something.
o
Kiba stormed out onto the moonlit streets of Konoha. He hated women at this moment. He made a conscious resolution. Next time a girl came after him, he was going to step all over her heart. Then he would scrape it off the bottom of his shoe like dog poo. A growl started low in his throat.
Not, of course, that many girls hit on him… even when given the opportunity…
He was distracted suddenly by a soft noise. He turned his head to the direction of a nearby street corner, where none other than Yamanaka Ino was sitting on the curb, sniffling slightly. Her nose looked rather red and swollen.
… And here was his chance.
"Ino, are you okay?" he asked her.
She looked up, seeming rather surprised to see him, then started to wipe at her eyes quickly. "Oh, it's just you," she said, sounding rather disappointed.
Not as disappointed as Kiba felt hearing it, however.
He promptly sat down beside her on the street corner. "What's wrong?"
She looked up at him curiously, then buried her face in her hands again. "Shi…Shikamaru's with that Sand girl," she said pitifully. Her voice suddenly switched from sniveling to vicious. "That skank! She thinks she's so hot! I just want to grab those dumb pigtails and knock her head into the wall!" Her fists were clenched.
Kiba shuddered. "Oh... do you like Shikamaru?" he asked carefully.
She crumpled up again. "I don't know! I don't think so. It's just that Lee's after Sakura all the time and Hinata's finally got Naruto, and even Chouji has a girlfriend and, and, and now even Neji's with Tenten… Is there something wrong with me that no one's telling me about?"
Kiba was not normally the king of tact, and he was in an even less tactful mood than usual. He was in a mood to step on a girl's heart with vigor, and here was an ideal target. It was only karma. "Yes, you're fat and ugly, and by the way nobody really likes a slut," is what his wounded pride told him to say.
But something held him back. Ino was obviously very sad, Ino was obviously very emotional, and Ino was obviously very vulnerable right now. And most importantly, Kiba wasn't a jerk. He was unapologetically horny, yes, and he had no tact, admittedly, and was completely insensitive, okay, fine, but he was not a jerk, not really.
And even more importantly, Ino was hot.
Luckily, this was one situation where he knew exactly the right line to use.
"Ino," he said reasonably as he threw his arm around her shoulders and squeezed lightly, "Shikamaru is obviously a brainless asshole, and you are way too good for him. He's only with Temari because he knows he doesn't have a chance with a good-looking girl like you. Same goes for the rest of those pricks."
He sat back on his haunches, confident in a job well done. She turned her head and looked at him doubtfully with her lovely, albeit bloodshot and watery, sky-colored eyes. "Do you really think I'm pretty?"
"You're gorgeous, babe," he said with conviction, and he didn't have to lie this time, because she was gorgeous She was even hotter than Sakura.
"Really?"
"Really. You're music to my eyes."
She bit her lip for a second. "But none of the guys seem to notice me at all. There must be something wrong with me. Just tell me straight, Kiba. Be honest."
"Ino, how can you even think that? You're so fucking beautiful."
Ino stared at him dumbly. Then she turned her body toward him. Was she going to smack him? Was this the end for our hero? Then she reached out with both hands and grabbed his head (was she going to shake him senseless? detach his brain from his spinal cord?). Then she wrenched his head violently toward her face and plastered her lips on his and tried, as far as Kiba could tell, to dislodge his kidneys with her tongue.
Kiba growled with bliss.
His vendetta against womankind vanished. So did any semblance of subtlety or forbearance.
"You are the most fucking beautiful kunoichi I have ever seen," he said with conviction when she let him up for air, operating under logic that went like this: if I tell her she's pretty and she kisses me, then maybe…
Ino squealed and sat herself in his lap. "Say it again!"
He buried his muzzle in the skin of her neck and kissed it several times. "I said you are fucking beautiful."
She pulled back from him and looked him straight in the eye. "Prettier than Sakura?" she asked.
"You are way more beautiful than Sakura. Sakura's a dog compared to you."
"What about Tenten?"
"Tenten who?"
"And Temari?"
"Temari? What the hell is it that everyone sees in her anyway? She's a total bitch."
Ino threw her arms around him and pressed her chest to his while she hugged him fondly. Kiba sighed happily and decided that the gods must like him after all. Since her head was on his shoulder, he couldn't see Ino's wide, toothy, devious grin or hear the voice in her head that was shouting score score score!!
"I fucking love you," he said. I knew Hana was wrong!
o
The other girls looked at her with open incredulity. Tenten gaped. Sakura rolled her eyes. "Ano… you're dating who?" Hinata asked shyly.
"Kiba!" Ino said with a grin.
"On purpose?" Tenten asked.
Sakura sat down with a thud. "You're actually dating Kiba… I can't believe anyone would actually date Kiba. Have you lost your mind?"
Ino's grin didn't even flicker. "Well, I was only going to use him for sex, but he's got a way with words."
o
FIN
o
Author's Note 2. A guy used the "fuck me if I'm wrong" line on me at a frat party once: my finest hour.
This probably needs editing but I don't care.