Harry was cranky. He was so cranky, it was the crankiest crank he'd ever cranked before. And it was all his girlfriend's fault.

He supposed it really wasn't her problem that she was so pretty and perfect. And that she had a face that literally stopped traffic. And that she never seemed to change her outfit. Sparkly heels, a tank top and a skirt so short that the school board had tried to veto her coming to the school completely, before she turned her amazing boobs on them. And it certainly wasn't her problem that all the guys (and some of the girls) at Hogwarts were falling all over themselves to get to her.

But really, it would have been nice if she pretended she didn't like the attention. If she didn't flounce around like a giant...hirrogriffish whore and flash her tits at anyone that asked. To be honest, he couldn't even remember agreeing to be her boyfriend. She'd just turned up one day.

Having sex with her was a scary. He'd never heard the words "love tunnel" used in casual conversation before, and he certainly didn't want to stick anything in hers. He knew where she'd been.

This, and a couple of other reasons, (none so blatant as her unnatural colouring. WHY hadn't he seen it before? Orange eyes and pure white skin, with blue hair? WHAT?) was why he was planning to kill her.

It wasn't any regular plan. He didn't want to smash her head in with an angry troll or feed her to the squid. No, it had to be a special plan for an obviously special girl. He had told Ron and Hermione his plan. Unfortunately, Malfoy heard, but by some strange twist of fate, wanted to help.

So they'd devised a plan.

They called her to the seventh floor hall at midnight, and as soon as she stepped into the tripwire, everything was set in motion. The wire twisted and broke, causing the aze to her left to fall, slicing through her shoulder. She healed it with her magical powers, but more and more axes fell from the top of the room. They had tied a sack with upwards of fifty axes (thankyou merlin for enlargement spells) and set it to hovering.

Malfoy cut the spell off and they fell.While she was busy healing herself, still in shock, ron put the next part of their plan into action. He pulled out...hermione. While the girl was ranting and raving and generally being a righteous bitch(as was her right. She'd been shunted off to the side as soon as mis s sparkly pants came onto the scene and forgotten for ten chapters) Harry snuck around behind her and poured molten kryptonite (her only weakness) down the back of her dress.Sparkly pants exploded, the author was amused and harry lived happily ever after with mcgonnagoaosalkajsdfpants.

The end.

---

HAY GUYZ. This is my first harry pottar fanfuiction, so be nce, okat/? Soellcjeck is your friend. review!