So guys, i had to watch a movie on anorexia and bulimia and this just popped into my head. In no way do i want to offend anyone. this is only a fictitious story and it's more about hope in this kind of dark sitation that anything else. So. I hope that no is offended. I had a cousin with binge eating disorder, or bulimia. So in know what its like to have a family memeber in this kind of postition and what a toll it take on you.
I just wanted to write a fic about it. BTW my cousins better now! 8D That fact still makes me smile. She has her off days, but she's a trooper.
Onward!
So Cas has an eating disorder, the story is kinda self-explanatory. There you go.
Current Song: I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance (I have rediscovered them and have a newfound love for those pretty little boys in black)
Current Mood: I. Am. High. On tea.
Fic title taken from the song Lean On Me, by whoever that's by. Eh, idek guys.
Lean On Me
Castiel isn't necessarily sure what to do when Dean kisses him.
Because it's Dean and he's amazing and he should have no interest whatsoever in Castiel at all. For a few reasons, actually, all very depressing to think about.
Castiel is sick. And he was warned if he didn't shape up, they would take him away. And they did. The sad fact of the matter was that Castiel had anorexia nervosa, an eating disorder in which Castiel pretty much starved himself. It had started as his overtly religious father telling him that eating was a carnal desire and that man should tamper down on his carnal desires to prove to God that they were strong.
When Castiel had fasted for a week, his father had beamed with pride and Castiel had sworn he felt God's love shine down on him. So he'd done it again and again, for longer periods until the day his father had become worried and tried to get Castiel to eat something.
It wasn't as easy as that. Castiel had never had ay control of anything in his life. His father had always had to control everything he and his brothers and one sister did. But Castiel had control over this. He could be perfect like this. He had tried eating, but eh couldn't. There was the ever present fear that God would no longer love him because he was eating again. And then Castiel would lose that precious control, the one that gave him a high when he refused to touch a thing on his plate.
His father had made one mistake after that. He'd let Castiel go and had instead, praised him, saying he was the epitome of holiness. He'd not even lifted a finger when Castiel's heart had failed because he was so weak. His father had insisted God would save him, and it was only by the good grace sof his older brother Gabriel that Castiel had lived at all. After that, he'd been taken to a medical facility, taken out of his father's custody and put into Gabriel's.
One problem: Castiel still refused to eat.
Castiel and Gabriel both had been told that if Castiel didn't cooperate with the program, that he would get nowhere. Castiel sadly remembers Gabriel begging him with tears in his eyes, just to try, to think with his own thoughts in his head, and not with the thoughts their half-crazed father had put in it. But Castiel found he couldn't, wasn't strong enough to start going like a normal person. The thought of losing the small amount of control he'd had in his strict, religious family terrified him.
That is, until Dean Winchester came. The boy was 18, Castiel's age, and was part of a program where former anorexics and bulimics would come in and interact with those that were still gripped by the disease. Castiel had been paired with Dean Winchester, since the boys were the same age. He'd blatantly refused to believe that Dean had ever been bulimic until he'd seen pictures of Dean thin and frail, just how Castiel was now. Dean had gone on to tell him that he'd had to practically raise his brother from a young age and that his father was a severe alcoholic and a former marine with control over everything Dean had done. Dean had started binge-eating to aggravate his father until he discovered the purge and hadn't been able to stop, craving the knowledge that he could put whatever he wanted in his mouth and throw it up later.
His stomach had been a mess when they'd finally gotten to him and his throat and vocals had been almost destroyed from vomiting so many times. A family friend had taken Dean and his brother out of the household before the same thing could happen to Dean's baby brother Sam, and Dean had gotten help. He always told Castiel that he hadn't thought he was strong enough to overcome it, but he'd just looked at his brother one day and known he had to be strong, to be able to look after him, to be able to look after himself.
Castiel had looked at Gabriel and felt his heart twist. He was terrified at that moment. Because Dean was then telling him that he believed Castiel to be capable of the same thing. He told Castiel that he could do it, he could participate in group, go to therapy, that he believed that Castiel could eat.
It was absolutely terrifying to have someone have so much faith in you when you didn't even have faith in yourself.
Dean and Castiel had become close friends after that. They been interested in like music and liked to draw and Dean would tell him about cars. They'd talk about their experiences. Dean had been the only one Castiel would tell why he didn't eat, and in turn Dean had asked Castiel to eat something, just something small for him. Castiel hadn't been able to say no. He'd eaten the small bowl of rice he usually ate at dinner and then an apple, just for Dean that had gotten everyone smiling, thinking that Castiel was getting somewhere.
But he was back to eating a small bowl of rice and nothing else the next day and so the looks everyone had been giving him were gone. He felt strangely bereft after that.
Dean hadn't said a word, just told Castiel that he was proud he was eating something, never said a negative thing to him, and would just look at him fondly. Castiel couldn't imagine why. He was a bag of bones. Castiel could count all his ribs starting from his chest and down. He could count the vertebrae of his back in the mirror. He tell himself that he was going to stop this nonsense tomorrow, that he was only hurting himself in the process.
He couldn't do it and had been shaking with the tension of trying when Dean walked in with an expression of shock on his face. He'd just hugged Castiel's small body to his big healthy one and had told him he just needed a bit more time. He'd let Castiel cry. He'd let Castiel relax into sleep in his arms and kissed his hair gently before laying him back in bed.
Dean had been there for him.
Of course that's when Castiel had started to fall for him, a few months into the program after Dean had come in. He knew the signs, knew that it was Dean making him feel those things in chest, the feelings that physically hurt because Castiel was so frail these days. He'd tried to hide his happiness when Dean would come, but Gabriel saw through it and always gave Castiel a sad smile. It was then that Castiel had first realized that Gabriel was terrified Castiel wouldn't make it.
But in truth, Castiel was feeling the same way.
Even though Dean made him want to try, even brought his brother Sam in from time to time, Castiel just didn't have whatever spark of confidence Dean had had, didn't have the drive Dean had had. He just had himself and now, Castiel had a whole lot of unrequited love on his hands, sometimes not even wanting to look at Dean because it hurt so badly.
That was when Castiel had decided that he was done. He'd been feeling a weak tug all week and that Saturday, he was done. He'd asked that he'd bee left in his room and closed his eyes. Everyone had had a foreboding feeling, that Castiel wasn't going to bounce back from this, this time around. They'd let him be. They'd let everyone know not to go in to see him. To leave him be.
What Castiel hadn't counted on was Dean almost literally fighting his way to Castiel's room in the facility and barging in, Castiel too weak to even be startled into a sitting position on his bed. Dean had just taken one look at him and known that Castiel was giving up. He'd fallen to his knees by Castiel's bed, still taller than the bed itself, although he was kneeling.
"Cas," he said, Dean's nick-name for him. "Cas..." And then Dean had growled and Castiel had never been so afraid in his life as when that Kansas boy had pushed himself off from the ground, sat down on Castiel's bed and pulled Cas's small body up to meet him, their faces this close to the other's. "Oh no you don't. Don't you dare do this to me Castiel Novak. I didn't fall in love with you just to have you go dying on me." And with that Dean had kissed him.
Hard but sweet, Dean's tongue softly prodding and wrenching open his mouth, kicking Castiel's whole body into overdrive with the sensation of another person's mouth on his, opening up his soul and pouring it out with all his might.
And that is where Castiel is right now, Dean holding onto him so tightly, he's afraid the bigger boy will snap his twig-like bones. He honestly doesn't care. He really, really doesn't.
When Dean pulls away, he rests his forehead against Castiel's and pants hotly into Castiel's open mouth, his eyes fluttering open and closed as he came down from the high of kissing someone you care deeply about. When Dean finally focuses on Castiel's bright blue eyes with his jade ones, he says, "Don't-don't you ever, ever do that to me again, Cas. You hear me?"
Castiel nods his head a bit and then leans in and kisses Dean chastely. "I-uh..." He licks his lips as Dean looks at him confused. "I love you to you know," he says softer this time. "Just in case, you know, you actually meant it, back there." He looks down.
But Dean chuckles in the dark room and lifts Castiel's chin up to kiss him again. "Of course I meant it, you crazy son of a bitch." He goes quiet again. "You know what this means right?"
Castiel had a sneaking suspicion that he did. "I'm never getting rid of you am I?"
Dean shakes his head. "Nope." But he's smiling.
They mill about like that in the darkened room for a few more hours, Dean laying on the bed, Castiel's small body on top of his, his back pressed to Dean's chest, Dean stroking the hair out of his face, hands roaming down Castiel's arms, rubbing his bony sides. Castiel feels embarrassed for a moment and tries to pull Dean's hands away, but the bigger boy is adamant.
"Don't," Dean says, and he can see the shame on Castiel's face. His softens. "It's not your fault. You're sick. But you will get better. You'll see."
Yes, Castiel thinks as he drifts off on Dean's chest, his partner's healthy heartbeat setting up a soft rhythm that's making him fall asleep. I will get better, just you wait and see.
Because this time around, Castiel has something to fight for besides himself.
He has Dean.
The next day, when Dean comes in for his time with Cas, it's lunch time. There's the usual bowl of rice that Castiel has unconsciously prepared for himself. But set on the table are several sandwiches, a bowl of pasta spaghetti, meatballs and rolls. The patients that are well on their way to recovery eat comfortably what is in front of them. Ash and Andy laugh as they toss meat-sauce at each other. Chuck rolls his eyes and nudges Becky who's sitting next to him and they whisper about something Chuck's writing. Victor moons a bit at Tamara as she tosses pieces of her roll at him. Jo, Ashes girlfriend who doesn't have an eating disorder but came to visit him, is laughing along with him, and Andy's girlfriend, Ava is doing the same.
They are happy. They are getting healthy. And here Castiel is, thinking he isn't strong enough? Please, if Andy can do it, then he sure as Hell can. He can't blame anyone anymore. It's not his father, it's not God. Surely God wouldn't want one of his own children to be suffering this much, and for what? Absolutely nothing, Castiel realizes.
Absolutely nothing.
Dean walks in then, smiling, Gabriel coming in behind them. He walks over to Castiel and pull sup a chair, still smiling and kisses him, right on the mouth. That gets the whole table to stop for a moment. There are a few cat-calls and whistles and then they go back to eating. Which is all well and fine until Castiel starts to eat.
There's a moment when the bowl of rice is calling to him, but then he shakes his head and it's just Dean calling his attention, throwing an arm around his waist. It's now or never. So Castiel takes the chance and goes for it now. Now, now, now, NOW.
He grabs a paper plate of spaghetti, he grabs a few meatballs. And then, he eats them. It's not bad. He can do this. He can eat. He already feels less lightheaded as he takes food in, feels a bit steadier, eating way more than a small bowl of rice.
The entire room is quiet as he does this, even Dean. Hell, Dean is so tense, Castiel can feel him locked up in surprise and fear right beside him. As if Castiel is going to collapse because he's finally eating something.
Castiel can only eat half the plate though. He's not sued to eating this much. But he knows, with a little help, he can do it. He can get through it. He knows he can know. After all, he thinks looking over to Dean's surprised face as he turns to him in the still-silent room, he has something worth living for now. Someone besides a brother who just took him in that will care if he's gone.
There's another moment when no one really processes what just happened and then Gabriel let's out a stifled sob, like he's just witnessed a miracle and, in all respects and purposes, he has. Jo screams in shock and Ash, Andy and Victor start to clap, stomp their feet, whatever they can. Ava jumps up and down with Jo.
The rest of the room evolves into the same kind of behavior, Gabriel having to sit down, he was so filled with emotion. Castiel doesn't care about them. He's looking at Dean, Dean who's looking at him with so much love in his eyes that Castiel thinks its going to rip him into two.
"You crazy son of a bitch," Dean says. "You did it. You're really gonna do this." He's known all along, what Castiel is capable, Castiel realizes. He was just waiting for Castiel to get his head together and discover it for himself.
"Of course," Castiel says, taking another bite, knowing he can have at least one more before he can't take it. He knows it's not a lot, but it's a whole ton more than what he was eating before. "You don't know exactly how much I am capable of."
It's a promise to Dean, of course, that Castiel is going to get better, he promises, and that when he gets out of here, they can get to do bigger and better things. Preferably each other.
Most likely each other.
Ok, definitely each other.
Dean smiles wolfishly, realizing the promise for what it is, and swoops in, capturing Castiel's mouth with his, the room going berserk in happiness. At that moment, Sam Winchester walks in. His eyes fall on his older brother kissing Castiel. They fall onto the half eaten plate.
In all honesty, he doesn't look too surprised.
"Well finally," he says cheekily, making the room fall silent again. "Took long enough. What exactly happened here?"
Dean pulls away and looks to his brother, then to Cas, the to everyone else. Castiel does the same.
And they all start laughing once again.
You likey?
Dean: That was... deep.
Cas: Yes. It... struch me deeply as well.
Sam: *tears* That was... so beautiful and... um... you know, heartwarming and hopeful.
Gabe: Wow. *then to me, a bit angry* What the hell, you made me cry!
Eve: How can that be al lyou got from this?
Gabe: *flips her off*
Anyway. Guys. I've been in the hospital, several actually, once again! UGH. I have shit luck. Anyway, this time i had to have surgery on a face abcess. *shudders* There were needles and scalpels and scissors in my face and that's all you need to know. Also packed gauze that hurt like a bitch when it came out, but now its better!
And I have a battle scar!
This is my battle-scar story: I was simultaneously attacked by a rat and a shark...AND SURVIVED!
Not many people can say that, huh? Huh? Didn't think so.
Also: *shiver* We watched live footage from 9/11 today. It was... it was emotionally difficult for me to watch. But... I just want a moment of silence for all those poor souls, kay guys? How about it?
*MOMENT OF SILNCE BEGINS NOW*
Me: *head bowed*
Dean: *head bowed, arm around Cas*
Cas: *head bowed, leaning into Dean*
Sam: *head bowed, arm around Gabe*
Gabe: *FOR ONCE, head bowed, leaning into Sam*
Eve: *head bowed*
*MOMENT OF SILENCE ENDS*
THANK YOU FOR THAT GUYS! I was feeling a bit down because of what i watched. I feel better now! Thank you all!