I never get to say goodbye.
It's true. I replay the words over and over in my stupid head as I board the plane. Why am I doing this? I love Cassie. I love the funny way she says wow no matter what's going on, how she's always smiling, how she's started eating again. I think she's eating again… I'm not sure…. Shit. I've just been doing a lot of… reflection sort of stuff these past few days. My dad's gone. I didn't get to say goodbye. Chris's gone. I didn't get to say goodbye. I wasn't even really allowed to go to his funeral. Isn't that what they're there for? And what does it even matter? He's probably in Heaven right now chatting up the angels. The thought makes me smile. And then there's Cassie. I told her I loved her. AGAIN. And then she left. AGAIN. Why did she leave? I told her I loved her, and that was the best I had. I guess it wasn't good enough. Nothing I ever do is good enough. It doesn't matter. She didn't let me say goodbye and that's not fair. If I'm not good enough for her, she can tell me to my face, but she is NOT getting away with crushing my heart. AGAIN.
BING! Fucking Hell that's loud! A snively voice comes over the inter…inter… interc… whatever I can't think of it now.
Hello passengers! This is one of your flight attendants, Margerie, speaking, happy to inform you that we will be having a safe landing in a few minutes. Keep your belts buckled and I hope you enjoyed your flight! Right. Who enjoys a flight? You get on, you strap yourself to a chair, and eat "peanuts" while some snotty kid kicks your chair. For hours. Whoopty-fucking-do. But, I remind myself, I will be in New York soon, and I WILL find Cassie. How big can the place be? I look down at my hat that Tony ripped off my head, saying I looked retarded. Way to go Sidney. Picked some awesome mates, yea? Though, in reality, Tony is the best and only real friend I've ever had. He even bought me this plane ticket. I pull out my picture of Cassie. She's smiling at me, standing in front of a bench. I had just told her a joke about ducks and books about them. I don't remember it though. Something like, "What's an introduction?" No, that's not it. It was like, "What did the duck say to the book?" Shit. That's not it either. I have no idea. I remembered it right at the time, but my mind's all fuzzy. Anyway, she laughed like an idiot for five minutes, so I took her picture. I smile at it. She looked beautiful, the sun lighting up her hair and her brown eyes huge and happy. I sigh as the plane makes a landing.
I walk into the lobby thing. Bloody Nora this place is ginormous! It's unreal. I quickly put my hat on, hoping it will cover the idiot in me. Fat chance. I look down again at the picture. At least there's one friendly face, or even a familiar one, even if it isn't real.
/
I've been searching for a week now. HOW BIG CAN NEW YORK BE? Apparently, very. I have covered every block and used up all my money, but I found nothing.
"Have you seen this girl?" I desperately ask another passerby, holding up Cass's picture. The lady shakes her head no. Fucking hell. WHY.
"Have you seen this girl?"
"Excuse me, have you seen this girl?"
"Sir, please, I need to find this girl." And nothing. One lady gives me two dollars out of her pocket and tells me to go away. Great. Fucking great. I stop in front of a diner looking place. I look down at the two American dollars. Does that really get you anything? Worth a shot, I suppose. I walk in, I guess it's a bit past lunchtime, because people are finishing up and leaving. I sit down and gape at the menu. Not attractive, but what did I care anymore? So… I can get a soda for $1.59, but that's really it. A waitress walks up to take my order, but my head is still practically a part of the menu. I shrug and mumble, "A…eur…umm…a thing. Soda. I mean, coke please." I'm a mess. I'm a fucking mess. I pull my face out of the booklet, and look up to hand it to her.
"Cassie?" Her face, which was looking down at her shoes as she wrote, snaps up to me. She takes two steps back. Or stumbles two steps back.
"S-Sid? What are you doing here?"
"No, Cass. What are you doing here? Why did you go? What did I do to make you go away?"
"It wasn't you, Sid." She looks like she'll cry. That isn't how this was supposed to go. "Chris, he-"
"I know what happened to Chris, Cassie. But you can't run away. You ran away from me Cass. Every fucking time I need you, you piss off, and I have to find you. America, Cassie? Scotland wasn't enough last time? Oh hooray, I got to take a plane to come find you. AGAIN. This isn't fair Cass." I don't mean it like that…well I do… I'm just never good with words. It always comes out wrong.
"I didn't tell you to come after me."
"Yes you did, Cass. With that postcard."
"It didn't mean anything."
"It did. I know it did. And even if it didn't, I would've come anyway."
"You wouldn't have."
"YES, I would! I LOVE you Cassie! I love you so much it hurts, and every time I tell you, you leave, and I don't get to say goodbye. My dad is gone. Chris is gone. Tony is off at school and so is Michelle. Maxxie and Anwar are off in LONDON, and I don't have anyone else. You are everything to me Cassie, and if you cared at all you would at least say to my face that you didn't want me."
"I do want you, Sid."
"Then why do you do this to me?"
"I'm scared, Sid."
"Scared of what?"
"That I'm not good enough."
"…WHAT?"
"Chris…died. I had lost one of my best friends. It felt like part of me was missing. And then I felt like I was all in pieces and that I was breaking and that I would explode and I couldn't take it anymore and I… I ran, Sid. As far as I could, because I thought if I looked back I would die."
"Cass." She was in tears.
"And I thought I was broken. I thought I was damaged goods, that you wouldn't want me. And after that I couldn't stand to look at you knowing that I couldn't have you."
"Cassie, that night I told you I LOVED you. And we…we… you know! And I… I was scared that you would break too." She looks at me, incredulous.
"What?"
"You were so fragile. I… I felt like… I thought you weren't real. Like you'd disappear. You had told me that nothing mattered anymore, because college was over and we were grown up. But I didn't feel grown up. And I could feel you leaving even though we were as close as ever. And I thought that if I held on to you, you would stay. But you didn't." My eyes are stinging. I can't take this anymore.
"Cassie? Is this man bothering you?" A woman in a matching uniform is right beside her.
"No." She sniffles. "I'm sorry…just give us a minute?" The lady smiles.
"Okay, sweetheart." She gives me a look and walks away.
"Cassie," I continue. "I don't want you to leave me anymore."
"Sid, I'm sorry."
"I don't know what to do anymore. Just… for fuck's sake, just marry me Cassie!"
"…Sid?"
"It's you and me. It's always been you and me. It will always be you and me." I look at her, hoping she would understand. I'm shit with words. She smiles through the tears. She pulls me into a hug.
"Always," she whispers.
/
A week later.
We're back in Bristol, courtesy of Tony. I'll have to pay him back eventually, but whatever. I reminded him that he loved me the best, so he gave in. I turn to Cassie, slightly worried. I hadn't noticed when I first saw her, because of the initial shock, but since then, I've realized how skinny she is. Scary skinny. I've never seen her eat, and she looks sick all the time. I wish I knew what to do. I've started university, and in the meantime Cassie and I live with my mum. Not exactly great, but we still have to plan the wedding and all that, so Mum's been generous.
"Cassie?" I look at her.
"Mmmm?" She's half asleep.
"I've been thinking that, you know, we could go out to dinner tonight? Something special." She makes a face.
"I'm tired, Sid. I don't want to go eat."
"But you look sick, so I just thought that-" She sits up swiftly.
"I WHAT?"
"You look sick, Cass."
"I heard you, Sid! I'm trying to look LOVELY! Why don't you think I look beautiful? Do I look too fat? Is that it? Well FUCK YOU!"
"Cass, no! I didn't mean it like that!" She gets up off the bed and picks up a pillow, starting to beat me with it. "Stop it Cass! You know you're beautiful, but-"
"But I'd look lovelier if I lost more weight, wouldn't I?"
"No!"
"Like YOU'RE one to talk, Sidney! You eat crap! ALL the time! It's DISGUSTING! You just eat, and eat, and eat and it makes me want to vom!" She's throwing pillows every which way. I try to calm her down, grabbing the pillows from her, pulling at her arms, shaking her, trying to get her to stop, but she won't.
"STOP it Sid! Don't touch me with your filthy little hands!"
"Cassie, please! Cass, just stop! Please, don't!"
"FUCK OFF SID!" I gape at her. She just stares silently back.
"I'm going out." Her eyes are wide, voice breaking. Her arms and hands are shaking by her sides. She walks out the door and leaves me there.
/
SHIT! FUCKINGPUSSYWANKERTWATFUCK! Now I'm on the verge of a breakdown. Why won't she fucking eat? Why doesn't she love herself as much as I love her? Why won't she believe how much I love her? Why is she doing this to me? Does she even love me anymore? Did she love me in the first place? That's it. Love. Love is what got us here. I pace around the room. Love and food. They've ruined everything, the bitches. I hate them. I can't stand them. Which is more important to me? What do I care more about? That was the real question.
What do I care more about? Food…or Love?
/
It's the next day. I've been at university all day, and I feel tired. I don't have a dorm room or anything like that. Mum couldn't afford lodging, and the school is close enough that I don't need it. So I take Dad's old car back and forth. Cassie didn't come back last night. She ran away. AGAIN. Even with my ring on her finger. I had bought it for her the day after we came back with all of my savings. It's beautiful. It has two flowers, the center of each daisy being a white diamond and the petals blue ones. It's all on a white gold band that had wow engraved on the inner top, and I love you so much it hurts on the inner bottom. She fell in love with it the second she saw it. Maybe almost enough to stay this time. I drive around in the car, hoping that I'll pass by her. The truth is, I'm tired of looking for her. I love her so much, and it's not that it isn't worth it, I just can't do it anymore.
I drive to Tony's and knock on the door. I stand there awkwardly for a bit before he opens it.
"Sid?" I rush forward and throw my arms around him like a child who's lost his mum. "S-Sid? You're not going to gay me, are you?" I choke out a laugh, but with it comes out the tears I was trying to hold back. He seems to understand, though. He pulls me inside, shutting the door and leading me to the couch. I detangle myself from him and sit down.
"I…I'm sorry Tone, I just… It's Cassie."
"Trouble in Paradise?" I glare at him. "Okay, I'm sorry. What's wrong?"
"She's not eating. There's no way I can make her eat, and I told her she needed to… well I told her she looked sick, l and she took it the wrong way and started beating me with pillows, which sounds stupid when I say it but at the time it was horrible… She just lost it, Tone. She lost it and she left. Again. AGAIN, Tony!" He pats my back.
"Sid-"
"I never do things right! Everything I do turns to shit."
"Sid, she'll come back."
"How do you know?"
"She loves you, and she' always comes to her senses. You should go home, calm down, and she'll be back before you know it."
"You think?"
"Yea. She may even be back now, wondering where you are."
"You're right…" I smile. "Thanks, Tone."
"No problem, Sidney. I figure you can add this to the debt you owe me."
"Wanker," I laugh.
"And you're a pussy."
"But you love me best. Always have."
"Shut up! And go home before Cassie thinks the worst." He ruffles my hair. I flip him off, walking out the door with a smile.
/
I get home, but Cassie isn't there.
"Bullocks." I notice a note from mum.
Sid, I'm out for the afternoon to run errands and I have a dinner this evening. I've set something healthy for you to eat tonight, as well as something for morning (I may be too tired to make you something then.) Please eat what I left instead of ordering pizza. You eat too much crap.
There it is again. You eat too much crap. I pull out the plate of salad mum left and sit down at the table, staring at it. It looks disgusting. I pull out a bag of crisps and put them down next to it. They just downright nauseate me. I used to love them. I used to eat them all the time. I ate 5 handfuls yesterday. But now they seem gross. I put my head on the table and stare at them.
"You made Cassie go away." I glare, trying to look menacing. "She hates me now, because of you. It's your fault. It's not my fault. You made me disgusting. You're not going to do it anymore though. No sir. I'm going to throw you out. And then maybe Cassie will come back." Satisfied, I pick up the salad and scrape it into the trash. Ditto crisps. I leave the plate on the counter and go to bed.
{Dream}
My night is filled with nightmares. I'm on the bus, sitting next to Cassie. She looks at me and smiles, but her eyes are red and her teeth are black and her face is a sickly green. I look down, her body is as skinny as a twig, literally twisted and compressed out of shape, and all skeletal. Her clothes don't fit right, they practically fall off. Like when you take those pictures in photobooth on Mac computers and they have effects that make you look twisted and out of shape like a fun house mirror.
"Cassie?" I say. She just smiles, never blinking. "Cassie? You look sick." She doesn't answer. She doesn't cry or get offended. She just smiles. "Cassie, talk to me." Nothing. "You're acting crazy again. Stop it. You're scaring everyone. You need to get better." Her smile screams, I am better Sid. Look, I'm lovely. Aren't I lovely Sid? This is what you want, yea? I'm better than ever. But she isn't actually saying anything. It's all in my head. "You're scaring me Cass. Why won't you talk to me?" Still that smile. She hasn't blinked once. It's horrifying. Because you have that. And that. And that. I hear it in my mind as she point's to my skin, and my muscle, and body fat. It's disgusting. She takes her hands and rips at my body, stretching and pulling and eventually breaking the skin off until I'm a stick just like her. She smiles, but says, "That's better, Sid. Now you look lovely too."
I sit up, noticing that I've broken into a sweat. My heart is racing. I look at the clock. 4:30. Cassie isn't back. I lay down, but I can't sleep. I have nothing else to do but get up. I take a shower, splashing cold water in my face. I'm still in shock from my dream. I pull on my hoodie and jeans, along with my beanie. I go downstairs. I still have loads of time before I leave. I look into the fridge, even though I'm not hungry. I spot a protein shake mum had left for me. I pull it out. Behind it there was a tub of yogurt. I hold them out in front of me, but decide that neither one of them looks appetizing. They make me feel like I could throw up. I smirk, opening the shake and pouring it down the drain. It feels powerful, like I don't depend on it. I don't need it. It feels great. I dump the empty carcass of a bottle into the trash along with the yogurt, and spot the salad and crisps from last night that I didn't even take a bite of. I feel mad at them. They made Cassie go away.
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?" I scream at them, not even caring why. "SHE'S GONE BECAUSE OF YOU! I'VE FUCKED EVERYTHING!" I kick the trashcan, harder and harder. "YOU'VE FUCKED EVERYTHING! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES! YOU….SHIT!"
"Sid!" My mum rushed down the stairs, and pulled me away. "What's going on?"
""I…I'm sorry mum I just don't feel well. I didn't mean to mess up anything really, I just had a nightmare and i…I woke up all feverish and then I tripped over the trashcan, and I got mad and I kicked it. I'm sorry to yell." She lightly swats the back of my head, but she believes me.
"Well don't do it again. Take some medicine. Do you want to stay home from school?"
"No… I'll be fine I just need to calm down."
/
I drive to university, and attend all my classes, feeling weak. I've only skipped two meals, but I eat so much in one it feels like I've missed ten. Lunch time rolls around during a break between my courses, and I sit with one of my mates, Ash. He's scarfing down fish and chips and I feel like throwing up.
"You okay, Mate? You look sick."
"Really, will she like it?"
"What?"
"Because she looks sick all the time too, and she hated me, and if I look sick enough she won't hate me anymore, and-"
"Mate, you're not making any sense. Here, have some."
"No!" I shove the plate away. "I can't…I can't eat it. No I can't. That's disgusting. It's all greasy."
"Okay, go to the caf and get something not greasy. On me." He hands me a twenty, but I refuse.
"I'm fine. I have a stomach bug, and it's making everything nauseating. It'll be over by the end of this week I'm sure."
"Okay," he looks at me weird. "But you're speaking bollocks."
"Then what's changed?" He laughs at that one, but looks confused the rest of the time.
/
Home again. Cassie's STILL not back. It's like that for the rest of the week. I remember Michelle's back for the weekend, so I ring her.
"Hello?"
"Uh…hey Michelle, you're back in town, yea? For the weekend I thought?"
"Yea, just for a few days…why?"
"Have you heard from Cassie?"
"Umm no, sorry. Maybe Jal has?"
"I suppose."
"Thanks, I'll ring her."
"Okay…is everything okay Sid?"
"Perfect." I hang up and ring Jal.
"Sid?"
"Hey Jal, is Cass there?"
"Yes, actually, but she doesn't want to talk to you and she won't talk about it. What have you done this time?"
"It's not my fault. I need to speak to her." Jal sighs, but agrees to hand Cassie the phone.
"Cassie?'
"I'm going to hang up Sid."
"Please don't. I need to talk to you."
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Yes, there is."
"Fine. What do you have to say."
"You were right Cass, I'm sorry. But I love you. I'll prove it to you."
"How?"
"I've stopped eating crap."
"You have?"
"Yea. You were right all along Cass. It's disgusting. I feel better without it. Tired, but better. I should've listened to you instead of judge you. But I love you Cassie, I want you to come back home. I want to figure this out so that we can get married and be happy just like we were. Please Cass, I'm dying without you." She's quiet for a bit.
"I love you too, Sid. I missed you." She sniffles on the other line.
"Then come back home." My mum's door opens, and she comes downstairs. "I'll talk to you soon Cass, just come back."
"Okay. I'll be home soon." I smile, hanging up.
"Sid?"
"Yes, mum?" I notice the suitcases by her.
"Sorry it's last minute honey, but I have to take a trip for work. It's a week, but you're an adult. Will you be okay?"
"Yes mum, I'll be fine."
"Where's Cassie been?"
"She was at Jal's this week. Jal was sick, but she's better now. I already gave Jal love from you and me."
"Well that was nice of Cassie and you. But maybe something's going around? You don't look well." She looks worried.
"I'm okay mum. Probably just a stomach bug. I'll call a doctor if it gets worse. Enjoy your trip."
"I will sweetie." She smiles. "Call if anything goes wrong." I nod, and she walks out.
I walk to the fridge. I open it, noticing all the food. I write down everything we have. I don't know why, I just do.
"You made Cassie go away, but she's coming back now." I smile. "I didn't eat you for a whole week, and now she's coming back. I don't need you. I have her now. I asked myself once, 'Love or food?' The answer was obvious." I pull out one thing after another, tossing it into the trash. "I don't need you anymore. If she sees you, she'll leave again. I don't want her to leave me anymore." Smiles turn to tears as I toss can after can of food into the trash. The fridge is empty, save an apple and some other low cal, low fat food. I can't NOT eat ANYTHING, but I don't eat more than 400 calories a day. And I feel great. The love of my life is coming back. And we'll get married, and things will be okay. The door opens.
"Sid?"
"Cassie!" I run to the door, dizzy, and pull her close to me. She giggles. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you."
"I love you too, Sid." She looks up and kisses me. "Love you so much it hurts." I smile. She doesn't look sick to me anymore. She looks like Cassie. She looks beautiful. We run upstairs to my room. We're kissing, and clothes begin to come off and we're in my bed and I'm on top of her and I'm not scared of breaking her anymore, because I'm not much stronger than she is. She's not sick, or fragile. Not to me. Maybe because I'm becoming more like her but we're both happy and we're both screaming because it feels amazing, better than it ever has, and we're lying beside each other, gasping and staring at each other happily, because there's no better feeling in the world.
And in a way I feel like I'm dying. But in a good way, if that makes sense. I'm not awkward or weird, I'm just Sid. Like part of me has vanished. Part of me has changed. Part of me has died.
But it's okay, because sometime's living makes you want to die.
/
A/N: I intend to write more, but this is over 4000 words! Sid is a bit OOC I get that, but I felt like he would change after he stopped eating. Hopefully this was realistic, and I hope I got into their minds correctly and didn't rush it too much. Let me know what you think! And if you remember back that far (haha) was anyone else horrified by his dream? It creeped me out as I was writing it! Cuz it felt like a horror movie with Cassie's torso being all twisted up and sticky and she's just smiling… -shudder-
Anyway, hopefully it's not a miss!
Cheers
xx
P.S. Anyone who wanted to know the joke:
How do you start a book about ducks?
With an introDUCKtion
Ahahaha anyway that was it (: