Lee walked into the pub, still wondering what Tim wanted to speak to him about. He had sounded nervous on the phone and Lee was slightly concerned.
"Alright mate", he greeted as he met the other man at the bar.
"Alright", Tim replied. He looked on edge, uncomfortable.
"Whisky please, and make it a double. With a Crème de Menthe chaser".
"Tim, what's going on? You only drink that stuff when there's something on your mind".
Tim downed the luminous green liquid in one large gulp.
"Come on, spit it out!"
Tim finished swallowing and grimaced, "too late, I've swallowed it now". God that stuff tasted weird.
"I didn't mean literally, I mean…tell me what's wrong".
Tim took a deep breath then spoke, "it's Daisy".
"What about her, is she okay? Is she pregnant? Is she ill?"
"No. She's okay. It's just…we've been having a few problems recently…you know…in the bedroom department"
"Why, has she been caught bouncing on the beds in Ikea again? You'd have thought she'd have learnt her lesson after you were thrown out last time".
"You know what I mean".
"Oh, right. You mean sex. And you're coming to me for advice? I mean, me and Lucy certainly don't have any problems there – far from it – but I'm sure you don't want to hear my tips. After all Lucy is your sister. Besides, I don't think she'd be happy if she knew I was sharing any of our secrets".
"Lee, stop…please…before I'm physically sick. I didn't come to you for tips".
"So how can I help?"
"The thing is, she suggested something I'm not totally comfortable with. In fact, not comfortable with at all".
Lee was suddenly more interested.
"Go on…I'm all ears…sorry, no offence", Lee quipped as his eyes trained in on Tim's slightly larger than average shell-likes.
Tim frowned, though he was more than used to Lee making fun of him by now, "lots taken!"
Tim continued, "Anyway, Daisy's suggesting we try a Ménage-a-trois".
Lee didn't quite get it, "what's wrong with that – me and Lucy have them all the time".
Tim spat out his drink, hoping he'd misheard.
"What?!"
"Yeah, we love them", Lee added, confused by Tim's look of utter horror.
"Lucy introduced me to them, I'd always been a bit old fashioned in my tastes but their one of my favourites now".
"Good God!"
"She always puts them in everything - stir-fries, or steams them. Still, I don't see how eating a new type of vegetable is going to improve your sex life. Unless they're an aphrodisiac of course. Maybe they are – that would make sense, explain Lucy's insatiable appetite for…"
Lee stopped himself, noticing the look of disgust had returned to friends face.
"Lee, a Ménage-a-trois is not a vegetable. You're thinking of Mange-tout. It means a threesome".
"Oh…yeah…right. So you thought I was meaning me and Lucy like to? No, we definitely haven't tried that. She wasn't having any of it…"
Lee looked at Tim, yep his face was screwed up in revulsion again. But he had to say it, he couldn't resist,
"Funnily enough your mum wasn't too keen either".
"Lee. I'm begging you, I'm trying to talk to you about something seriously. Anyway…she was talking about another man".
"Ew, that's not good. Not good at all. I still don't know why you're talking to me about this though. Surely Daisy wouldn't be very pleased if she knew".
"I'm telling you because you're my best friend".
The cogs began to work in Lee's brain
"No. N.O. No chance. Not in a million years. We're close I'll give you that…and I know I've said I'd do anything for you but there is a line. A very clear one that I have no intention of crossing".
"Lee, for God's sake. I'm not asking you to be the other man. Jesus Christ, I can't think of anything more disgusting or less arousing. No offence".
"Lots taken".
"I'm merely asking your advice. Although I'm starting to wish I hadn't. The images this conversation has conjured up in my mind will probably mean I'll never be able to have sex again".
"Look, just tell her you've thought about it and that you just don't feel comfortable with it. She'll respect you, she loves you."
"Right. That's actually quite good advice, thanks. Promise me that you won't tell anybody about this. Even Lucy, especially not Lucy".
"Promise".
Back at the flat…
"A threesome! I thought I knew Daisy really well but she's obviously got a hidden side to her. She did say to me that they weren't having sex as often as they used to, and that she was worried Tim was getting bored. Still, I wouldn't have expected that", Lucy couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"So, is Tim going along with it? Not that I would really want to know if he was".
"Of course not. The worst thing is, I thought he was asking me to be the third person".
Lucy laughed hysterically at the suggestion, "Would you have?"
"Surely you don't actually have to ask me that?"
"No, sorry. God…you think you know someone. Although each to our own I suppose"
"I guess. Some people might think some of the things we get up to are kinky".
Lucy felt her cheeks flush as her mind began to wander.
"That stuff doesn't count as kinky anymore. We'd probably be considered quite vanilla".
"Really? You think so? You're not bored with me?"
"Of course not, I like vanilla. I married an ice cream man didn't I?"
"I do other flavours you know".
"I know. Come on, Mr whippy, come to bed".
"We don't have to go to the bedroom", Lee breathed, gesturing towards the kitchen table.
"Okay", Lucy whispered, smiling at Lee playfully.
Lee dived at the surface, using his arm to sweep everything onto the floor, before lifting Lucy off the ground, so swiftly that it made her squeal. He placed her onto the table and towered over her, pinning her wrists above her head. Lucy's breathing had become ragged now.
"I can do kinky if you want?", Lee rasped.
"Is that a threat or a promise?"
"A promise", he croaked before crushing his lips to hers…
The following day…
Lucy was sitting at his usual spot at the bar, when he heard Daisy's voice say hello. This could be awkward…he would have to try and pretend he didn't know about her and Tim's little issue.
"Lee, I thought I'd find you here".
"Hi", he responded, making a mental note to start drinking elsewhere from time to time. He was far too predictable.
"I need your help with something".
"Okay…what with?" Lee wasn't comfortable with where this conversation might be going.
"It's just…there's a few problems at home. Tim's got a bit lazy recently, he's just not getting what I want done anymore".
"Daisy, I'm not…I don't think Lucy would be happy…"
"Lucy suggested I ask you actually. She's offered your services, said you were very good with your hands".
"She…what?" Lee couldn't decide whether to be flattered, shocked, disturbed or revolted. He settled on outraged, yet couldn't quite think of an appropriate response
"She said you're more than capable and you're always around…if the need arises. She said she didn't mind sharing you, your expertise. She thought you might welcome something to do – that you get bored sometimes when you haven't taken out the ice cream van".
"Daisy, I've already told Tim, I'm not coming anywhere near your bedroom. I can't believe Lucy suggested me".
Lee concluded that Lucy had done so merely to wind him up, or to get him back for something. To be fair there was usually something she needed to get even with him for.
"Actually, I wasn't thinking about the bedroom first. I was thinking of the bathroom. Lucy said you always did a particularly good job in there, that you had no problems with that side of things and that you knew your way around a U-bend".
"Is that some sort of euphemism?".
"What? The thing is, Tim thinks it'll make him less of a man if we get someone else involved. That's why I thought we'd try you first, less of a professional".
Lee couldn't help but feel offended now.
"Oh, thanks. I'm not sure how to take that. Look, I shouldn't be telling you this, but I've been talking to Tim and he's really not comfortable with this".
"Then he needs to pull his finger out. I'm not asking for much, things are just very unfinished at the moment. Tim starts things, then doesn't finish them off, if you know what I mean? I'm not sure how much longer I can live like that".
"Daisy, I'm not sure you should be telling me this, I don't think it's any of my business. But…how can I put this delicately…have you thought about, you know…doing it…finishing things off yourself?".
"I'm rubbish at D.I.Y. I'm one of those women who's not very good at it on her own, I need a man".
"Well, erm…you could use erm…tools…so to speak".
"Oh, we've got tools. Tim just doesn't like to use them. And he doesn't like me to use them unsupervised…".
Lee's eyes widened. He couldn't believe Daisy was being so open with him.
"…especially after the incident with the nail gun".
Lee decided he'd rather not know what that meant.
"Fair enough, but don't you think a threesome is a bit drastic. There's other things you could try first".
"A threesome?! Lee, what are you talking about?".
"The same thing as you. At least I thought I was. Sex. Tim said you wanted a threesome, with another man".
"I never said that. Why would Tim think that? So you thought I was asking you to join me and Tim in bed?".
"Maybe."
"Oh my God. I wasn't talking about sex Lee, I was talking about DIY – you know mending things, decorating".
Well, that's obvious now, Lee thought to himself.
"The house is starting to get into a state, the plumbing in the bathroom needs sorting. Tim keeps saying he'll do it be never gets around to it. I said we'd have to involve someone else, that I knew someone who'd been in the same situation and that she'd recommended we get a man in. It'd worked for her and her husband. She was much happier and he didn't feel any pressure to come up with the goods after a long day at work".
"I think you were talking at crossed purposes. Do you think there's a chance Tim was only half listening?".
"Yeah, he does that – the only half listening thing".
"Can't blame him", Lee muttered inaudibly.
"So Tim jumped to the wrong conclusion?".
"Clearly".
"That's embarrassing. No wonder he's been a bit funny with me the last few days".
"I think you'd better go home and talk to him".
"I think I better had".
Later that evening, Lee and Lucy were sitting on the sofa…
"So it was all a big misunderstanding?"
"Yep".
"And tonight Daisy was just asking you to come round and do some DIY? Come to think of it, we did discuss that. I said you wouldn't mind, and she said they'd pay you".
"Right".
"Oh, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when Tim and Daisy had that conversation, talk about awkward".
"Daisy made me promise to never speak of it again".
"I'm not surprised, though something tells me you were crossing your fingers behind your back when you did".
"Well, if Tim ever gets around to marrying Daisy I'll need some material for the best man's speech. It'll write itself now".
"Don't be mean. I thought Tim was very restrained when he did his speech at our wedding. Think of all the stories he could have told".
"True, but I did have to bribe him".
"What with? I can't imagine it was money, you never part with that".
"I threatened to tell Daisy a couple of stories about him. Tim wasn't always as squeaky clean and boring as he is now you know. We both got up to a few things in our youth".
"I don't doubt you did, but Tim...on second thoughts, I'd rather not know. The thought of him and Daisy engaged in a threesome has traumatised me enough already".
"You're traumatised? I'm the one who thought they wanted me to join them. After my conversation with Daisy earlier I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look her in the eye again".
"When do you ever look at women's eyes when you're talking to them anyway?".
"Hey, that's just you. I don't look at other women like that. I have to say…I'm so relieved you didn't really offer my body to Daisy…and Tim. Can you imagine?".
"I'd rather not, though I can just imagine your face when Daisy told you I'd said you were more than capable of getting the job done and were good with your hands. I can't believe you thought I was actually pimping you out to my brother and his girlfriend".
"I thought you'd probably said that to wind me up…anyway, no more talking about Tim and Daisy. It's threatening to kill the mood".
"Won't say another word, now…come with me". Lucy held out her hand, and gave Lee one of her seductive smiles. That never failed to work on him.
"Where are we going?", Lee played along.
"Your services are required in the bedroom".
"Why, does the paint need touching up again?".
"Not the paint, no…".
Grasping Lee's shirt Lucy pulled him towards their bedroom...