I am not really that proud but i am rather pleased, i guess, to present another bleach fic! except this one is just kind of...stupid...yeah...and rather long...but um...I hope it draws out a few chuckles and giggles or ...something?
A Breaking Into Ichigo's House Through His Window to Teach Him a Lesson Party! A little cracky. T for language and Renji abusing. Just kidding.
Some People Would Put Bars on Their Windows
"Jeez, are you mentally handicapped? And you're a Lieutenant! I'm almost tempted to leave Zaraki's squad and take your place," Ikkaku muttered.
"Shut the hell up! I want to know why we're doing this in the first place. You dumbasses keep telling me how and where, not why!" Renji growled. The vein throbbing at his temple had been there since five minutes ago, and it didn't seem to have any intention of disappearing. If they weren't his friends, he would have whipped out Zabimaru four minutes and fifty-nine seconds ago and slashed them all into bloody pieces.
"Well you should have made that clear. We would have told you," replied Yumichika, shrugging. He brushed his shiny black hair away from his face.
"I-would-like-to-know-why-we-are-breaking-into-Ichigo's-house," the redhead demanded through clenched teeth. "Again."
"There we go!" the "pretty" boy chirped.
"We're teaching him a lesson, Renji," said Rangiku with big, innocent eyes. "It's a bad habit of his to leave his window unlocked all the time. A robber could sneak in."
"Or any one of us when we don't feel like going through the front door…"
"He's a big boy," Renji grumbled. "He invaded Seireitei and beat the shit out of Ikkaku and a bunch of captains. He could handle a robber."
"Well then we'll just break into his house again for the heck of it," Ikkaku grinned, his pearly whites gleaming in the light of the full moon, along with his head.
Renji sighed. "Well Ichigo should thank us for switching out his light bulb again (cough with Ikkaku's head cough)."
"Oh, we're not going through the ceiling this time," said Rangiku.
The redhead blinked. "We're not?"
"Dumbass, the goal is to make him remember to lock his window. Going through the ceiling wouldn't do shit for that." Ikkaku sneered.
"Your freaking glowing head wouldn't do shit for us," Renji retorted. "Humans can probably see the moon reflecting off your scalp even if you aren't in a gigai."
"Tch, as if your hair is better. It's bright red for crying out loud!" Ikkaku challenged with a smirk, "It's probably not even natural."
Renji's throbbing vein grew. "Do you want me to prove it's natural?"
"OKAY," Rangiku stepped in between the two, "no one needs to see that, Renji. Let's not fuss about hair now, or Ikkaku's lack of it. Let's just get to Kurosaki-san's house and do whatever it is we're going to do." (a/n: i don't' know what rangiku calls ichigo either. just going by instinct..)
"What is 'whatever it is we are going to do?'"
"Um...Yumichika?"
"We haven't thought that much out yet."
The blonde turned to Renji and giggled. Renji rolled his eyes and slapped his tattooed, bandana-wrapped forehead.
"Ikkaku! Yumichika! Abarai-san! Matsumoto-san! What are you all doing out so late on a night like this? And dressed in black kimonos and carrying swords?"
The group turned their heads to Keigo, who was standing in front of a vending machine across the street. (a/n: i dont know what Keigo calls renji and matsumoto...but ikkaku and yumichika were freeloading off him lol and im pretty sure he just called them by their first names)
The brunet gasped and pointed, juice can in hand, "You guys are going to a costume party, aren't you? Why wasn't I invited? Who's throwing it? You guys are going in the direction of Ichigo's house. -gasp- You're going to Ichigo's! He's throwing a costume party without inviting me, isn't he?! I saw Chad, and Ishida, and Orihime go that way too! It's all true, isn't it? Why am I always being left out?!" He burst into tears and collapsed against the vending machine, sobbing.
Ikkaku leaned to Yumichika and whispered, "Who's the drama queen over there, and how come he can see us?"
Yumichika whispered back, "I think he's one of our classmates at school. Asano Keigo."
Rangiku joined in the whispering. "He can see us in our soul form..."
The three, and Renji, who was not huddled together with them but could hear them, eyed Keigo suspiciously.
"Let's go with the costume party idea to avoid problems," Yumichika suggested.
"Good idea." They dropped the huddle.
"Good evening, Asano-san," Rangiku said loudly, waving. "Yes, as a matter of fact we were on our way to Kurosaki-san's for the costume party. We're sorry to hear that you weren't invited."
They got a sniffle in reply.
"Let's just go," said Renji, stiffling a huge yawn. "I'm tired. I wanna go to bed earlier tonight."
"It's midnight already," Yumichika pointed out.
"...well, I'd like some shut-eye before dawn breaks. Let's go."
"-sniffle- NOBODY LIKES ME ANYMORE!!" Keigo wailed loudly.
"SSSHHH!" all the Shinigami said simultaneously.
"This is annoying..." muttered Ikkaku.
"I don't think he'll be quiet unless..." Yumichika trailed off.
"I guess it can't be avoided," sighed Rangiku.
Renji's eyes widened, looking hopeful. "We'll go bankai on him?!"
The three deadpanned. "No."
"Shikai at least?"
"No, Renji."
The redhead sighed and let the bloodlust go.
"Asano-san!" Rangiku called again. "I think Kurosaki-san wouldn't mind one more guest."
"Really? -sniffle-"
"No," Renji said flatly.
Rangiku pounded him to the ground. "Of course not!" She said cheerfully. "I mean, of course he wouldn't mind."
"Thank you, Matsumoto-san!" Keigo sang, and flew across the street with his arms wide open to embrace the blonde, but was pounded into the ground next to Renji.
"Well, let's get moving." The tenth squad lieutenant tossed her hair and took the lead.
"Okay!" exclaimed Keigo, bouncing up to walk between Ikkaku and Yumichika who were behind Rangiku. "So, the costumes...You know, I think I've seen them somewhere before..."
Yumichika would have gulped, but that would not be a beautiful thing to do, so he said smoothly, "Really, have you?"
"Yeah...um..." It was obvious Keigo was thinking hard. "Hmm..."
"Oh, haha, it's from a movie!" laughed the woman in front of them.
"A movie?" repeated the brunet. "What movie?"
"Um...good question!"
Keigo suddenly slammed his fist in his palm. "I know! This weird guy with an afro who always complains about how so many people here can see him--he wears the same outfit."
"Oh, that guy," said Ikkaku.
"You guys have seen him too?"
"Um, yeah!" Rangiku said on behalf of them, even though none of the shinigami really knew the officer Keigo was talking about. "We got our costume idea from him. And added some flair to it." She waved the pink scarf.
"Where are you guys going?" Renji suddenly said.
They all turned around and saw sixth squad lieutenant standing in front of the Kurosaki Clinic sign, which they had passed.
"Woopsie, here we are! Okay, so..."
"The lights are all out," observed Keigo. "Are you sure there's a costume party?"
"Er, it's a surprise costume party!" said Yumichika.
"..."
Rangiku, Ikkaku, and Renji all stared up at a certain window.
"It's that one, right?" the hairless one inquired.
"Yeah."
"How do we get up there?"
"...Good question!"
Keigo's jaw dropped. "You guys are breaking in there?!"
"Uh, yeah."
"Don't you usually go through the front door when going to a party?"
They shrugged.
"This is a special party!"
"My neck hurts..."
Suddenly the window slid open and revealed Inoue Orihime. Orihime waved silently, smiling. She let a thick rope tumble out the window for them to climb up into Ichigo's room. The five of them did, stepping carefully and lightly on the bed and not on Ichigo so as not to wake him. They saw "Chad" Yasutora holding the rope they had climbed, and Arisawa Tatsuki, Ishida Uryuu, and Kuchiki Rukia sitting beside the sleeping substitute shinigami.
"What's he doing here?" Rukia pointed at Keigo, who crossed his arms.
"I would ask you the same thing!" he huffed. "And you guys aren't wearing costumes!"
Uryuu, Tatsuki, and Rukia looked confused.
"Costumes? Are we supposed to?" asked Tatsuki.
"Isn't this a costume party?"
"...No..." answered Uryuu.
To break the awkward silence that followed after, Rangiku exclaimed, "It's a Breaking Into Kurosaki-san's House Through His Window to Teach Him a Lesson Party!"
"You!" He pointed at the woman with generous cleavage. "You lied to me! How could you? Where was the trust and love between us?!" Keigo sobbed.
"Um..."
"My heart aches..." he said, clutching his chest.
"You make it sound like Rangiku-san said 'I do,'" muttered Uryuu, adjusting his glasses.
"Everyone's here," Orihime announced to change the subject.
"Except for Hitsugaya-taichou," said Rangiku sadly. "He said, and I quote, 'I have no interest in participating in such trivial activities.' End quote."
"Of course the captain's a party pooper," Renji said and shivered, even though it wasn't particularly chilly that evening. (And far off in Inoue's apartment, Hitsugaya-taichou sneezes as he sits in front of the television, bored and flipping through channels.)
"Now that we're all here...what do we do?"
"Good question!"
"How many times have you said that this evening?!" inquired Renji.
"Goo-"
"Don't say it," the redhead said warningly.
"Although it IS a good question," said Orihime.
"The point of us gathering here is to make Ichigo remember to lock his window...or so Orihime told me. Is that right?" said Tatsuki. Some people, including Orihime, nodded. "So we should do something to Ichigo that's REALLY bad, but not TOO bad, to make him remember to."
"Such as...?"
"GOOD QUESTION!"
"I'M GONNA THROW YOU OUT THE DAMN WINDOW IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!" Renji yelled. And the crickets outside seemed to chirp very loudly for that moment.
Everyone's attention shifted to the only sleeping teen who mumbled something and rolled over so he was lying on his side, facing the party who invaded his house. But his eyes never opened.
"That was close," someone murmured.
Ikkaku punched Renji, since he was standing closest to him. "Not so loud."
Tatsuki poked Ichigo's forehead, but Rukia smacked her hand away. "It's okay," Tatsuki insisted. "It looks like he's a really heavy sleeper..."
"Only if he's been doing a lot of work, but he was sitting on his lazy butt the whole evening watching TV," Rukia informed her.
"How would you know that?" inquired Tatsuki, suspicious. She didn't know about Rukia living in Ichigo's closet.
"Oh, um...see, I'm buddies with his sisters, yeah, Yuzu and Karin, and they tell me all about him. Yep, ha haha ha...Look, it's Chappy!"
"Who?"
"Never mind, Chappy flew away..."
"I have an idea!" Rangiku blurted out suddenly. All eyes turned to her. "We could take embarrassing pictures of him!"
"But he's only sleeping," Chad stated.
"And it's cute," said Orihime with a giggle, "but not really embarrassing."
Rangiku sat down on Ichigo's bed and gently lifted the teen slightly so his face was nestled in between her cleavage. She put her arms around him in a loose embrace and looked back at everyone for feedback.
Renji snickered loudly before he burst out laughing, but Ikkaku clamped a hand over his mouth, though he didn't' bother hiding the smirk on his face. Orihime and Tatsuki stared with eyes as wide as saucers. Keigo had tears running from his eyes as well as blood from his nose.
"I think he has a camera somewhere in here..." Rukia muttered, shuffling through Ichigo's desk drawers as quietly as she could.
"Hurry up, or Ichigo'll suffocate if we leave him there too long," Renji said.
"Isn't it a dream for any man to die in the arms and bosom of a woman?" Yumichika asked.
"Not for gay men or people in squad eleven," Renji mumbled. He got bitch slapped and a knee rammed up his ass from the two seated officers of the eleventh squad. (a/n: er, they are seated officers aren't they? i don't remember what seat they are, but they ARE, am i right? crap... i'm sorry, but i can't go and research it so i'll just hope i'm right.)
"Found it!" said Rukia, holding up a digital camera. "One...two...CHAPPY!"
A bright flash lit up the whole room.
"CRAP!" she exclaimed.
Rangiku quickly put Ichigo down as softly as she could and hastily retreated. The substitute shinigami mumbled and stirred. When he lifted a hand to rub his eyes, everybody panicked.
"FLEEEEE!" Keigo cried. Rangiku picked up Orihime bridal style, Ikkaku carried Keigo under his arm, and they and Chad, Uryuu, Tatsuki, Renji, and Yumichika jumped out the window safely. Rukia dived for the closet door and shut it just as Ichigo sat up groggily and opened his eyes to look around his empty room.
"I could have sworn there were a bunch of people here, and there was a flash..." He spaced out for a while, still half in sleep mode. When his head finally cleared, he thought it over again and dismissed it as part of his dream when he noticed a light on his desk. It came from the screen on his camera. He frowned, puzzled because he hadn't recalled even using that thing since about half a month ago, but he turned it off and set it in a random drawer and crawled back into bed.
Oh, and if anyone was wondering Kon was spending the night at Urahara's...because...because. Yeah.
Is it just me or did it get crackier as the ...length (because i would hardly call it a "story") progressed? crackety crack cracky cracker. But it wasn't true crack, no'm. Although I did kind of abuse Renji in this fic, didn't i? (sweatdrop) I love you renji! but i kinda like ukitake and/or hitsugaya better...