Deirdre looked down at the envelope that had arrived that morning. Everyone always said that the first step to dealing with an addiction is admitting it, so she was there already. Why else would she have this envelope in her hands? She opened it, and forms spilled out over the table, and onto one of her Royal Doulton plates with the hand-painted periwinkles. That particular plate still had the remains of her breakfast: spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam. She had the house to herself since her sister Polly went off to work at that hotel, but she disconnected her white slim-line phone to be sure of no interruptions. She set to work on the first piece of paper on the scattered pile:

BCA Application form 1

Name:
|Address:

PART A:
Please answer these simple questions:

1. Are you free?
2. Do you have a cunning plan? Does it involve turnips?
3. Are you a lumberjack? If so, are you okay?
4. Do you like photographs? Know what I mean? Snap snap. Grin grin. Wink wink, say no more?
5. Can you recognise a larch from a very long way away?
6. Have you ever kept a Siberian hamster for a pet? What was its name?
7. Do you have a pussy?

PART B:
Please answer the following questions by circling the appropriate answer.

-How many times a day do you use this expression: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched."?

a)0
b)1-3
c)4-7
d)8+

-Circle all of the following fruits that you can defend yourself against:

Passion fruit
Oranges
Apples
Grapefruits (whole &segments)
Pomegranates
Greengages
Grapes
Passion Fruits
Lemons
Plums
Mangoes (in syrup)
Cherries (red)
Cherries (black)
Bananas

-Do you want a cup of tea?
a)Yes
b)No...ahhh go on. Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go ON!

-Do you expect the Spanish Inquisition?
a)Yes
b)No
c)No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

-Do you think women can be vicars?
a)No no no no no no no no yes.
b)Yes yes yes yes yes yes no.

-What is the proper restaurant-approved term for 'waiter'?
a)Garçon
b) Maitre'd
c)Moron
d) Idiot

-Who has a Mercedes, a swimming pool and room for a pony?
a)Hyacinth
b)Rose
c)Violet
d)Daisy
e)Emmet

-Do you enjoy drinking floor polish?
a)Yes.
b)No.
c)Drink!
d)Feck!

-If your clothes don't fit, what do you say to yourself?
a)They'll ride up with wear.
b)They'll ride down with wear.
c)Glass of water for Mr.Granger.

-Have you ever mentioned the war?
a)Yes.
b)No.
c)Sieg Heil!

-Now that you have finished form one (1), does your brain hurt?
a)Yes.
b)No.
c)I like to sing "Only Make Believe" and bash my head with bricks.