Permutation
Per-mu-ta-tion
n.
1. A complete change; a transformation.
2. The act of altering a given set of objects in a group.
(deffinition from )
Disclaimer: Sadly, I own nothing related to SVU.
A/N: Well, I'm on a bit of a writing kick right now (yay thunderstorms); and this just kind of developed. This is another 'I have some ideas, but not really sure where it's going' story.
X.X.X.
She walked slowly through the cool autumn evening. The leaves crunched under her feet, sending a small animal scurrying into the bushes a few yards away. As she reached her destination, she felt that familiar pain; the pain she knew would never disappear, the pain that would forever be a reminder. It was always there just under the surface; always waiting to break free, to kill a little piece of her soul every time she remembered.
The dirt covering his grave was still unsettled, having only been dug the previous week. She sank slowly to her knees; the soft earth holding firm beneath her weight. As she sat there reading his name on the stone marker, her eyes filled with hot tears. And for the first time since that tragic day a week ago, she let them fall freely. Olivia felt the sobs tearing through her body before they had a chance to exit her mouth and make themselves heard. Her body was shaking, and her heart felt like it was trying to rip itself out of her chest. A part of her wished it would.
Olivia lifted her face to the sky when she felt the first raindrop land haphazardly on the top of her head. It was not long before the rain fell steadily, soaking her clothes. She smiled sadly, realizing this must be his doing; he loved the rain. He believed it washed away the bad, and allowed for a new beginning. But today, she did not find it comforting; today, it was a sad reminder.
The rain made her feel his presence more so than usual; enough that she felt she should talk to him. Before today she never understood why people would talk to a gravestone, it seemed redundant; but now, now she knew he was here listening to her, watching over her. So she began speaking to him, feeling awkward at first.
Damn, El. I miss you so much. She furiously swiped at the tears that were now falling even more quickly. But I think I hate you almost as much as I love you. I hate you for not waiting for backup; I hate you for hesitating to shoot the bastard. And for leaving me. She paused, unable to continue for the moment. You told me once that the job and I were all you had. But, El, you were all I had. And now you're not here..., and I don't think I can make it without you Elliot. I need you. The admission of need made her feel vulnerable. Olivia Benson was not supposed to be dependant on anyone. But Elliot was a special case. For the last nine years, Elliot was her rock, her cornerstone. And now that her support was gone she was crumbling. Since his death, she had become merely a shell of the woman she once was.
This is still so new to me El. Just last night, she paused, her voice catching in her throat, I picked up the phone to call you. It wasn't until hearing your voice recorded on the answering machine that...that it all hit me again.
One week.
An entire ten thousand and eighty minutes of pure agony. And yet she had managed to survive them. When her heart insisted it was time to combust and end it all her lungs did not seem to comprehend the message. Even while she cried and screamed the breathing continued, and that seemed to hurt just as bad as losing everything. It ripped away what little certantity she had left; and changed her perspective of the world.
She was now living in an alternate universe where the laws of physics ceased to apply. Down was up and up was down.
She had been certain when he died she would too. She had not remotly considered attempting survival without him; for being the objective thinker that her job demanded of her, she was still naive.
It had hurt when she lost her mother. She had cried, but he had been there to comfort her. She remembered how he held her and told her it would be okay. He assured her that he would always be there. That she would never be alone; and now here she was. Alone.
"Olivia" she recognized the voice as Cragen; and quickly scrubbed her tear stained face before turning to face her captain. "I thought I'd find you here."
"uh...Cap. Sorry, I must have left my... phone in the car." She quickly got up off the ground, attempting to pull herself together as much as possible.
"Olivia. It's okay. I didn't call your cell; but I do need you to come back to the precinct with me. I'll explain everything there."
She nodded faintly.
X.X.X.
Walking into the precinct was a major reality check for Olivia. It caused her to realize that the rest of the world continued while hers had come to an abrupt halt.
It was as if nothing had changed. Phones were ringing, and people were rushing around. The only difference was the empty desk across from hers. It caused her chest to constrict. How could he bring her here? The place where they met, where they sat across from each other everyday for years, and more recently, the place where she learned of his death.
"Olivia?" She felt Cragen's comforting hand on her arm, and snapped out of her reverie. She brushed her hand over her eyes and followed Cragen to his office.
He had already sat down in his desk chair before her mind registered the person sitting in the chair in the corner.
"Elliot?" Tears were streaming down her face as his arms enveloped her. "But...but your dead.." she sobbed. She buried her face in his neck, inhaling the unique scent of him.
She pulled back enough to look into his tear filled eyes, "How?"
"God...Liv. I'm so sorry." He affectionately brushed his thumb over her damp cheek before cupping her chin in his hand and pulling her into a gentle kiss. His tongue brushed over her full bottom lip, prompting her to open her mouth to him. Their tongues dueled for control, hers eventually dominating, allowing her to explore his mouth first. "You know I love you right?" he whispered into her hair when they reluctantly pulled back. "Yeah El, I know. I love you too, more than you could ever know."
Cragen cleared his throat effectively drawing the attention of his detectives. "I think it's time we briefed Olivia. Why don't you two have a seat." Elliot sat in the chair closest to the door, pulling Olivia into his lap where she relaxed against his chest. His arms were wrapped tightly around her thin waist. "You know Olivia, you could have your own seat."
"I know Cap. But I..I can't... I just got him back." He nodded in understanding. He saw how Elliot's death affected her. And he knew she needed him right now, whether she would admit it out loud or not. Olivia put up a no-nonsense, tough exterior; but he could read her. She held her soul in her eyes; and he had noticed the despair in them this past week.
"As I'm sure you've realized: Elliot is not dead. He has been in witness protection for the past week. I know what you're about to ask. He's still under witness protection; and as of now so are you."
"Wait...what? Why?" She stuttered.
"Remember the Sanchez case a few weeks ago?"
A seventeen year old girl, Tanya, had stumbled into the precinct badly beaten. Elliot and Olivia happened to be on desk duty that day, while Munch and Fin were out pounding the pavement. It was later discovered that the girl escaped from a group that whored out underage girls to perverted old men. She told them how there were dozens of girls of various ages being held captive. After discovering some information regarding the possible whereabouts regarding the group, Elliot was sent in undercover. He was fairly deep in the undercover, it seemed like they believed his story, but that was blown to pieces when gunshots were heard. He radioed, but ran in without backup.
"Yeah, but how do I fit into that? Elliot was the undercover."
"Tanya played us. I can't even begin to guess what the motive was. All I know is that we got screwed. Olivia I received a very detailed letter about your death. As soon as I found it I rushed to your apartment, and it was destroyed. If you were there...well, let's just say it's a damn good thing you weren't."
"But why do they want to kill me?" she looked shell shocked, as well as a little angry. How dare they disrupt Elliot's and her lives like this! At least they were both alive, but both hated to be put in witness protection and forced to hide. Neither was the cowering type so this was just degrading.
"I'm sorry Olivia, but it's for your own safety," he said as if he had read her mind. "I just don't want either of you hurt."
She nodded her understanding "Alright."
"I've arranged it so the two of you will be able to stay together. But if anyone discoveres you're in WPP, you will be split."
Elliot smiled for the first time in what felt like a millennium. "As long as we're together It's okay with me," he said, kissing the side of her head.
"Olivia?"
"You know if we weren't together I'd fight this."
He nodded. He did know; the two of them would protect each other. And this way, the possibility was there that they might be happy.
"When do we go?" Olivia asked softly.
"Three WPP agents are waiting outside."
"Will we be able to contact you?" Elliot added.
"Technically, no; but I have worked out a deal where you can call me on and from a prepaid cellular phone once a week to check in." Cragen slid a silver phone and a slip of paper containing his number across the desk. He stood and the two detectives followed suit. Olivia pulled him into a hug. "Thanks Cap" she said simply.
"Take care of her," Cragen said as Elliot gave him a quick back-patting hug.
"I will. You told her the same thing, didn't you?"
He chuckled "You bet I did. Now you two have to go. But before you do, I give you my word that this unit will do everything possible to find these bastards."
"We know you will; thank you."
As they walked out of the precinct for the last time as Detectives Elliot Staber and Olivia Benson, Cragen knew that even if they solved this crime, nothing would be the same again.
A/N 2: funny, I had every intention of killing off Elliot at the beginning; then the story just kind of took on a life on its own. I appreciate reviews, they really do help me update faster...