Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts
Philophobia - "The fear of being in love and falling in love"
"You promised, Leon. You promised you wouldn't do it again."
Leon just stood there, face devoid of expression as he let Cloud's words wash over him. They were in the middle of the living room replaying the same old song and dance. These fights turned them into old records, spinning on repeat with no end in sight. The overpowering floral scent of perfume still clung to Leon, rolling off in waves as it attacked Cloud's heightened senses.
Every time he ran his hands over smooth, supple skin, every time he kissed cherry flavored lips, every time warm breasts pushed up against his chest; he knew he was making a mistake. He knew that Cloud was at home waiting for him. But he kept telling himself that this was better. That keeping Cloud at arm's length would keep his frail heart from getting broken. It was inevitable that Cloud would leave. Everyone else did. What would make the blond any different?
These thoughts didn't stop the guilt though. The first time, guilt just settled in at the back of his head, a gentle reminder of what it he was throwing away. The second time the guilt was stronger, forcing its way into every kiss and thrust of his hips. And each subsequent time it would grow. Gnawing at him until each face would turn into Cloud's - riddled with the pain of betrayal. But he would just close his eyes and thrust harder, letting the soft gasps and moans of pleasure fill his head. Pushing all thought of Cloud from his mind.
Cloud knew. Of course he knew. The blond was nowhere near as oblivious as he led people to believe. When he'd stand off to the side seemingly uninterested, he was really taking in every detail of the people and places around him. Due to his silent observations, Cloud knew more about the residents of Radiant Garden than most. So of course he knew about Leon's infidelities.
Then there were the countless nights when Leon would come home plastered and reeking of cheap perfume. He'd drop to his knees, begging for Cloud's forgiveness as he swore it would never happen again. And Cloud would always forgive him. After several nights camped out on the couch, Leon would be invited back into their bed and life would carry on until the next indiscretion.
But this time there was no stench of alcohol sticking to Leon's breath. He wasn't unsteady on his feet and his face showed no trace of guilt. Rather, he stood firm with his arms crossed and his face a display of indifference. Possibly even annoyance that Cloud was making such a big deal of it all. And that's what pissed Cloud off even more.
"Come on Cloud. It's not like we made any deal to be exclusive." As soon as the words left his mouth, Leon regretted them. But that didn't stop his mouth from forming words without his brain's consent. "You didn't want a relationship, remember? No strings attached."
Cloud looked like he had been slapped. Leon's words hit him like a ton of bricks, crashing into his well-placed walls with enough force to shatter them. The look on Cloud's face would haunt Leon until his death, and likely follow him into his afterlife. Cloud stared at him slack-jawed. His usually vibrant eyes had dulled as his pain poured through.
"No. You're right." Cloud recovered, forcing on his own mask of fixed indifference. "I didn't want a relationship. How stupid of me. Thinking this meant anything to you."
"Don't be like that Cloud." Leon was really going to have to see to his mouth.
"Don't be like what, Leon?! Don't act like it hurts? Because it fucking hurts!" Cloud rounded on Leon, getting as close to him as possible without having to touch the brunette. "Every damn time it hurts! And I'm the idiot who keeps letting this happen." Cloud cursed under his breath before bringing his attention back to Leon. "Everyone knows Leon! I can't walk through the market without dozens of people giving me looks of pity. I don't need their pity. And I don't need you!"
Leon knew he should apologize. Drop to the ground and grovel. He should tell Cloud that his sober words would hold more truth than his drunken rambles. "If you don't need me, why are you still here?" What. The. Hell?! His brain had clearly lost control as his mouth continued to spew more hurtful words. And even though he wanted to show his remorse, his face seemed stuck in his regular stoic glare. So there he was; arms crossed in his stance of indifference, disinterest plastered over his damn face, with a mouth that just wouldn't stop.
"I thought when you asked me to move in, it was because you actually felt something for me. Not because you wanted the convenience of a live-in whore." Cloud turned away from Leon running fingers through his messy spikes as he started to pace around the room in agitation.
"Well. You've never really been known for your high intellect."
Cloud whipped around abruptly to stare at Leon. His brow was furrowed in anger and his lips twisted into a snarl. Tears had started pooling in his eyes. Leon couldn't tell if they were tears of anger or pain; most likely a mixture of both. Leon had never hated himself more.
"Go to hell." Cloud spat out, his face twisted in disgust.
With that, Cloud left Leon in the living room as he went to grab an empty bag. Hastily, he started throwing clothing and personal belongings in the bag as he moved throughout the small house. At the sight of Cloud packing, Leon's mouth relinquished its control and his body snapped into action rushing forward to hinder Cloud's departure.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." Leon started rambling, spewing apologies as he reached out to grab Cloud's arm.
"Sorry for what Leonhart?" Cloud wrenched his arm from Leon's grasp turning to glare at the brunette. "Sorry for lying to me? Cheating on me? Sorry you got caught!? Or are you sorry for ever getting involved with me? Sorry you got saddled with such a pathetic waste of space!" The silence was deafening as Cloud continued to glare at Leon waiting for whatever pitiful response the brunette would come up with. Leon continued to stand there, mouth opening and closing as he tried to find the right words. Everything was happening too fast.
Even with everything he had done -with all the times he told himself that it would be better to keep Cloud out- Leon had never thought he'd have to actually face Cloud leaving. He had tried to protect himself from getting hurt. Telling himself that Cloud would undoubtedly break his heart. He'd been telling himself bold-faced lies about feeling nothing for Cloud and how that was a good thing. But now that he was faced with the reality of Cloud leaving, it hurt more than he could have ever imagined.
With a growl, Cloud turned back around and continued his packing. He had to get away from Leon as quickly as possible. He was putting on as tough a front possible while underneath he was crumbling. Cloud wanted to fall apart right there. He wanted to break down and cry until it all just stopped hurting. He wanted to be comforted, soothed. But the person he wanted to comfort him -the only person he would allow to see him fall apart- was the cause of his pain. He couldn't let Leon see him so weak. Not now. Not when it all just felt like some sick game he was never informed he was playing.
Leon helplessly followed after Cloud as the blond threw whatever he could find into his bag. When his words had failed him, the scarred brunette took to taking items out as quickly as Cloud was packing them. Anything to stop Cloud from leaving. That was until Cloud turned around and punched Leon hard enough to send him stumbling back. It was a clear sign that Cloud was not backing down and would get physical if it meant getting away from Leon. Cloud hurriedly repacked what items Leon had removed before throwing a couple last pieces on top. Without so much as a glance, Cloud left the house with a definitive slam of the front door.
Leon slid down the wall he had found himself leaning against, staring vacantly around the empty room. He did it. He had successfully chased Cloud out of his life. And that overwhelming ache in his chest was most certainly not his heart shattering into thousands of tiny pieces.