Une Petite Mort
(in a good way)
"How could it be happening again?" Christian kept asking himself the same thing over and over as he stirred his tea so hard that his spoon nearly penetrated the bottom of his mug. It was happening again though, he just knew it! All over again and he couldn't believe it. Why now?...they were divorced! Finished! Over! Why the hell should it bother him and now especially? 'Unless...' Christian swiped at his chin as he fretted the unless...
Things had been so good between them. Perfect...blissfully perfect in fact. That's what you get for letting your guard down, don't ever trust perfect he told himself, because something will always come always and stomp all over it... and that something will be probably be wearing killer heels.
It had become increasingly obvious that something had rattled Syed's cage and Christian had a gut feeling that he knew exactly what it was. He'd been distracted and tetchy ever since he'd heard. ...well almost since he'd heard. It was close enough for Christian to suspect the two things were linked. Experience told him the same thing.
The phone call that had set this all off had come out of the blue...Amira... of course, who else? 'Could they have Yasmin for the whole week?' She needed some 'me' time. She'd met a guy a couple of months ago and it was starting to look serious. Apparently he was Mr Wonderful... so could they have Yasmin for her? With Yasmin teething and keeping Amira up all night and with her recently acquired part time job in a beauty parlour, she needed a break and hopefully some time with her new man without unsightly bags under her eyes.
And they'd been delighted; having Yasmin for the whole week, proper dads and they couldn't wait. Looking like they'd both just entered a grinning competition they'd quickly planned the week out alternating who was in charge of Yasmin each day. It wasn't too hard and they were never short of willing helpers if they needed them anyway... Zainab, Masood, Tanya, Roxy, Tam, Afia, all of them loved having Yasmin if they were ever stuck, but they wanted to manage themselves as far as they could. Jobs and clients rearranged...a couple of things cancelled and they were sorted. They'd stocked up with rusks and nappies and baby things and generally got over excited about the whole thing. But then something had changed...Syed had gone all quiet and moody on him.
The only thing it could be, Christian reasoned as he paced the living room almost spilling his tea which he hadn't touched a drop of, was this new bloke in Amira's life. Was Syed jealous?
It made no sense and yet it was there. ..simmering ...pricking at him. Even though he knew it made no sense. All the old familiar uncertainties had come pouring back...the fears... the ones he'd let himself believe were in the past. Box closed. Dead and buried.
"When is she bringing her over Sy?" Christian broached the subject in a roundabout way as soon as Syed emerged from the bedroom.
He could hear the tightness in Syed's voice as he answered, "They're coming over this evening."
"They?"
"Mmm yes...Rafiq he's called ...and Amira...in his Mercedes apparently, he's bringing them over after work."
This time he didn't disguise his resentment, he couldn't have said the guys name with any more dislike if he'd tried.
"Look Sy...I hate to ask but..."
Syed's phone ringing interrupted them and Syed looked worryingly glad of the distraction.
"Hi Janine, she does? Yes of course...I'll be over in about two minutes...and thankyou."
Grabbing his jacket and leaning in for a good bye kiss, Syed picked up his laptop and was out of the door shouting back a rushed explanation;
"Janine's got a client over there looking at a shop she has on her books, she already has two other clothing outlets and she's looking to stock some souvenir type things...could be a big order...see you later...love you!"
And he was gone... leaving Christian alone...to worry.
He watched Syed through the window, hurrying away across the square and out of sight. He had a horrible sinking feeling that he couldn't control.
This new bloke of Amira's...it did sound like it could be serious. Up until now Amira hadn't really looked like settling down again.. Was it because now that suddenly the possibility was there Syed couldn't handle it? Maybe he wasn't as ready as he thought he was to say goodbye to his old hopes and dreams? The ones that excluded Christian. Maybe the cold hard reality of Amira having that perfect family unit without him was something Syed couldn't deal with? And he regretted losing it for himself?
Christian had a client in about half an hour which gave him just enough time...to go and talk to Tanya. He thought about Roxy but she was too close to him...Roxy could be too quick to think the worst of Syed if she thought Christian was in danger of getting hurt. Experience told him she might wind him up when what he needed right now was winding down. Yes Tanya was best, she was very fond of Syed too and understood him better.
Tanya was having a quiet day in the salon but her day brightened considerably when Christian walked in.
"Hey gorgeous what can I do for you?" she teased..."Manicure, pedicure , highlights?...?" then she saw his face..."Or maybe something for those worry lines?"
Christian mustered a half-hearted smile."That obvious?"
"That obvious...is it Sy?" If Christian was coming to talk to her about it then she knew that was a fair bet.
Over a coffee he spilled all of his worries. Tanya was a sympathetic listeners she was soothing and just what he needed. As he sat across from her he absently reflected that she had just the right kind of bosom to rest your head against while she stroked your hair...just what he felt like he needed right now. He hated how Amira could do this to him. Or more to the point his fears of why Syed should care so much that she had a new man in her life.
"So you really think he's jealous? This is Syed we're talking about Christian, not Anthony Moon!"
Hurt a little that she was laughing it off, Christian built up his worries thinking maybe he should have gone for Roxy instead.
"Ever since he's known Tan, he's been funny, distant...can't hardly say his name even. He hasn't even met him and I know he hates him...so why Tanya? Talk to him for me? Set my mind at rest?"
Tanya softened and she became serious, realising just how much Christian was worrying over this, for such a strong confident guy he could also be incredibly vulnerable.
"Is there something else too?" she asked him, remembering how touchy he'd been around about his 39th birthday and recognising the signs, hers was only a few years away after all, she guessed how he might be feeling.
He groaned theatrically . "Don't remind me...I know I shouldn't let it bother me...it's little things too...last week at the park the guy selling the snacks...I could see he fancied Syed rotten...he couldn't keep his eyes off him whenever he thought we weren't looking. Normally I'd give them the evil eye and warn them off but he didn't take any notice...just grinned at me. Am I losing it Tan?"
Tanya knew full well she was sitting opposite someone who was so not losing it, it was untrue. She was amazed he would even think it, especially the way Syed always talked about him. While she was thinking this unfortunately her mouth ran ahead of her brain...
" Ah, him...I caught Lauren and Lucy perving over the new fit young guy working at the park."
Opposite her Christian's poor face looked even more crestfallen and she could have kicked herself.
Taking his hand and giving it a little squeeze she told him,
"You know Syed told me once that you're the first person he's ever really loved and he hopes you'll be the only one...leave it with me ...I've been wanting to catch up with Sy...I'll see if I can get to the bottom of all this..."
A little reassured by her words Christian smiled a heartfelt thank you before checking his watch. He'd be late for his next client if he didn't go now. Standing up he leaned over and kissed Tanya goodbye giving her a warm thankyou hug.
Later that night Christian was glad he'd asked her. Syed was just the same, Janine's client had put in a big order but he wasn't his enthusiastic self about it at all. Things changed even more when Amira dropped Yasmin off. Christian had caught Syed peering through the blind to get a look at the new man. He could almost see him bristle when Amira said she had to dash so as not to keep him waiting.
The rest of the evening had been ok as they played with and then settled Yasmin for the night, but something was different...Syed was different ...his mind was on something else and any gentle probing was met with awkward evasiveness.
Another time Christian would have come right out with it; 'Why are you so threatened by Amira falling in love Syed...why? when you love me? ' But they'd had such a rocky time of it since she'd re-entered their lives, now that things were so good between them again he was wary of bringing it all up.
He really hoped Tanya would have more luck getting what was troubling Syed out of him than he was having.
The next morning true to her word, when Tanya saw Syed pushing Yasmin in her buggy through the square she made a beeline for him.
"Hey there handsome...have you got time for a drink? It's been ages since we caught up...wow this little ones grown hasn't she? She's so gorgeous!"
Syed beamed at the praise for his daughter and he looked really pleased to see Tanya but just like with Christian it was obvious to her when something was troubling him. He was smiling but something was up.
"Hey Tan!...that sounds good... the cafe?"
Tanya shook her head and suggested the park...they could kill two birds with one stone that way.
As they stood at the kiosk Syed gave their order to Steve...the 'new fit young guy' who worked at the kiosk. Steve couldn't believe his luck when he looked up to see the man of his dreams standing right in front of him and it looked like without his boyfriend.
"Could we have two plates of chips please? " Syed began.
'So polite.' thought Steve as he tried not to stare at his lips when he spoke...his full luscious inviting lips. Kissable red lips. Then he remembered his well built boyfriend...'OK, stop right there Steve.'
"What would you like to drink Tan?"
Tanya looked at the selection, it hadn't changed. "Coke will be fine thanks Syed, let's live dangerously."
Syed smiled back at her and Steve was momentarily hypnotised by twinkling eyes against golden skin. Beautiful amber eyes. Advising himself that caution was the way to go, Steve also felt a little flirting wouldn't hurt surely?
"And two cokes please..."
Trying not to be obvious , Steve looked away and busied himself with getting some plates while Syed had finished ordering.
An excited Yasmin suddenly chattering and pointing to a duck attracted their attention and while Syed bent down to attend to the little girl in the buggy and dutifully admire the duck too, Steve's eyes travelled admiringly all over his toned and perfect body. Without the built guy giving him the evils he felt free to really drink in the sight of Syed's now obligingly tight jeans accentuating his delectable arse just perfectly, on up past his slim huggable waist, his golden arms with just the right amount of muscle and broad shoulders. His gaze settled appreciatively on the way his dark wavy hair curled deliciously at the neckline of his figure hugging t-shirt. Tight green t- shirt. Throwing caution to the wind Steve decided today was the day and he'd go for it.
"I'll bring everything over as soon as the chips are done. It's no trouble...my pleasure." He told them smiling winningly...he hoped.
Looking up from Yasmin, Syed and Tanya thanked him for this unusual courtesy and they went off to find a table. Tanya had the distinct feeling it wasn't her that Steve was trying to impress, she'd break it to Lauren and Lucy gently.
She was right, Steve now planned on taking full advantage of seeing Syed for the first time without his boyfriend with some serious flirting. Maybe even a little accidental drink spillage ...he pictured the scene, when he got to the part where he was rubbing his cloth slowly over Syed's damp denim he heard a little cough and realised his next customer was waiting.
From her buggy, Yasmin gurgled happily at the nearby brown duck, while Syed and Tanya caught up on salon and square gossip. All the time Tanya was wondering how she was going to bring up the subject of Amira's new man.
The lady duck was soon spotted by three males eager to befriend her and she waddled off with them in hot pursuit. With nothing occupying Yasmin's attention now it became daddies turn. She threw her toy moose onto the ground...it was a well practised game that they both understood and Syed made a big play of bending down to pick it up for her. She squeaked with delight and grabbed at his hair and he blew a raspberry on her tummy eliciting more happy squeals while she knotted eager little fingers through his increasingly unruly hair.
While she was laughing helplessly at them, Tanya noticed their snack approaching , so she tapped Syed on the shoulder. Actually she smelt Steve before she saw him...the whiff of freshly applied aftershave was stronger than the smell of the chips...she couldn't help grinning as she noticed he'd tidied up his hair and rolled up his t shirt sleeves to reveal some pretty impressive biceps, he was definitely out to be noticed.
Still playing with Yasmin, Syed somehow managed to extricate himself from his daughter's grasp while she giggled and he tickled her some more by blowing more raspberries on her tummy. As he came up for air...mid blow so to speak... a little flushed, hair askance, Tanya could only marvel at how utterly glorious he looked in disarray, he really did look disgustingly gorgeous. Steve thought so too, achingly so in fact. While Tanya, in a 'happily married knowing Syed was gay sort of way' was thinking how lovely it would be to snog his face off, Steve was already way ahead of her. Thoughts of accidental spillage were of a different kind now with, right before his eyes, the very look that had dominated his fantasies ever since he'd first served Syed with a frothy cappuccino. It was doing something quite beautiful to him now and he was just thankful that he had his tray with him.
He couldn't prevent a little gasp of ' Jeeesuz' escaping in helpless appreciation.
A little nonplussed but eager to put him at ease Syed assured him ."I get that a lot...I think it's the hair."
Not sure what to say now, Steve continued to stare, although it wasn't the second coming that was occupying his fevered imagination.
Syed was starting to feel uncomfortable now under the scrutiny. He straightened his hair...as far as he ever could anyway feeling a little self conscious. As Steve tried to get his attention back to putting the drinks down without spilling the whole lot or indeed moving the tray too far from his person, Syed whispered to Tanya.
"What's he staring at me like I've got two heads for?" then it dawned on him and Tanya smiled as the penny seemed to drop.
"I've got rusks in my hair again haven't I? Yas...she's put chewed up rusks in my hair? Tan get it out for me...please? I must look stupid."
As he leaned over so she could comb it out for him, she obliged by pretending to remove invisible baby food from his hair all the while thinking, 'Syed you haven't a clue have you?'
After a moments more pretend fiddling she laughed and told him.
"All done..."
It was plain to see that a whole troupe of Mr Universes could all come by making eyes at him and he'd still only have eyes for Christian. He just wasn't interested in looking anywhere else. Unlike Max...Mr wandering eyes himself, she thought sadly, knowing that it was her lot to always have to pretend that she hadn't seen his eyes following the latest bit of 'new totty' to pass through Albert Square. And here was Sy with a great looking guy right in front of him ready to fall at his feet and he couldn't care less, much less notice.
Steve made his way back looking a little disgruntled at not having even been noticed but he nevertheless had an urgent need to shut up shop for ten minutes. He locked himself in the little cubicle round the back eager to share his load...with a packet of man-sized.
As a queue began to form at the little snack bar...Tanya decided to go straight for it...kind of...in a roundabout way.
"So...you've got Yasmin for the week Sy? That's brilliant for you...you must both be thrilled..."
Syed smiled broadly...he didn't need to answer really, but he still did..."Yes we are, it's going to be so good to have her with us for that long ..."
Tanya sensed a 'but'... "Amira must be very busy though...oh...she's not ill is she?" she was fishing for more.
Shaking his head Syed came out with it surprisingly easily, to her anyway, "No, it's not that. She's got a new man...rich...got a flash car...he sounds amazing..." His tone belied his words though, he couldn't have sounded less enthusiastic about Mr Wonderful.
"And you don't like that because...? I thought you'd be pleased Sy..."
"I am...well I am for Amira ...it's just..." he was hesitating.
She gave him another push.
" 'Just' what darlin'?"
"What if she marries him Tan?"
Tanya waited for more...she knew there was more.
"What if they have another child and he doesn't love Yasmin as much as this new child? What if he doesn't take to Yasmin at all Tanya?...I can't stand the thought of someone I don't know and don't like the sound of, being so close to Yasmin and maybe not loving her as much as I do..as she deserves..."
Tanya instinctively reached across and hugged him, "Oh Syed so that's what's bothering you? You do know that Amira loves Yasmin?"
"Yes of course..."
"Then you're just going to have to trust that she won't let that happen...that she'll choose someone who won't be like that...remember how lovely Greg was with mine? I know he wanted a baby but he'd have loved all the kids the same I know he would. Give this new man a chance. And don't borrow trouble...just trust Amira. Have you mentioned any of this to Christian?"
Syed shook his head.
"Why not?"
Syed looked a bit awkward but then he told her.
" Because he's going to be Yasmin's stepdad too...me worrying about Amira's new bloke...well I don't want him thinking I see him as any less Yasmin's dad than I am..."
Tanya looked relieved...there it all was.
"Promise me something Syed? Promise me that the first chance you get you'll tell Christian what's worrying you...it will help...I promise you...to share. He will understand if you tell him what you just told me and then at least you two can worry about it together...and this guy won't dare be anything less than another doting dad to Yasmin if he knows you two are on his case."
Syed grinned...although he got a sudden pang and this time it was of jealousy, at the thought of another doting dad who wasn't him or Christian in Yasmin's life...still that was much better than what he'd been fearing.
The queue for the kiosk nearby was reaching new lengths just as the gentle rocking of the cubicle round the back was approaching a natural crescendo and Tanya and Syed decided to head home. Tanya looked on in pity at the poor single lady duck as she returned with her 3 suitors still in very close attendance. She threw them the remaining chips to give her a break.
Both feeling good now, Syed and Tanya finished their drinks much happier than they started them and they strolled off towards home, wondering vaguely at the long queue now getting rather impatient at the snack bar.
Once they were back in the square and after thanking Tanya with a massive heartfelt hug , Syed went home to get Yasmin fed, changed and ready for her afternoon sleep, she already looked ready for it. After that he'd be making lots of phone calls...new retailers and some credit control. Not his favourite part of his job at all but he didn't mind because then Christian would be home and he couldn't wait to see him.
Tanya went back to the salon wondering why she hadn't tried to persuade Syed to come back to work there, she missed him . Still that was for another plate of chips and another day, she was feeling very pleased with herself anyway. Within minutes of him finishing with his latest client the salon door jangled and Christian appeared. Tanya knew he would.
He didn't really need to say "How did it go?" It was written all over his face.
The look Tanya was giving him back already gave him a good feeling. But his spirits lifted completely when she told him,
"Go and ask him what's troubling him...go on... right now!...And I promise you Christian, you have absolutely nothing in the world to worry about. Nothing at all."
His grin lit up his whole face making him twice as handsome if it were possible and with a quick peck on Tanya's cheek he was gone again.
In the flat, Syed had just settled Yasmin down for her nap when he heard keys in the door and he couldn't have been happier to see Christian's beautiful smiling face appear.
They both spoke at the same time;
"Christian there's something I need to tell you..."
"Syed, there's something I've been wanting to ask you."
Although Yasmin was now sleeping soundly, she'd have been even more content to know that she had two doting dads who would be watching every step that that any new' daddy to be' might be making in her life.
It was also very safe to say that love in the afternoon had never been such an absolute certainty.