As I looked into the beautiful green eyes of the man next to me I couldn't help the tingling sensation that ran down my body. In those eyes lived my life, dreams, hopes and future. They were the eyes that always gave me access to his beautiful soul. The ones that showed me so many new emotions I had never experienced. I smiled up at him and was meet with my favorite smile in the whole world. The smile that made my heart speed at a rapid rate which I was sure could be heard in a silent room filled of people. The smile that could always make my bad days better instantly. He grabbed my hand and I felt whole with the feeling of warmth his hands welcomed. They were the hands that helped me up when I fell the first time we meet in the park. The hands that held mine when I was in the hospital for hours waiting for news about my mother's condition. The ones that I swore were made to be in mine. I wrapped my arm around his waist and smiled when he awkwardly wrapped his around mine. In his arms was my favorite place to be. They were the ones that held me up every time I had a clumsy moment, the ones that held me when my mother passed away, the arms that wrapped around my waist when we made love and wrapped me in warmth when we fell asleep from the long hours of talking about life, books and music. They were the only place I ever wanted to be.
It was amazing how feeling him so close to me still made me feel the same way as before. The same way I felt the day I finally opened my eyes and realized that he was more then my best friend. I would always remember that day; it was a good day and a bad day. Good because it was the day I realized that he was never going to leave me. Bad because it was the day I got the worst news in the world.
I was in high school at the time and had just arrived from school to see my father on the couch with puffy swollen red eyes. I walked over to him and he looked into my eyes and I knew what had happened. That was the day my mother lost her battle to cancer. I remember locking myself in my bathroom and crying for hours. My father tried to get me out and tried calling my best friend Alice but not even she could help. After realizing that I wasn't coming out I heard the velvety voice of my savior and best friend.
"Bella, sweetie please come out" he said and I shook my hand not caring that he couldn't see me. Instead I cried harder and rocked myself back and forth on the bathroom floor.
"Bella do you remember when we were in elementary school and you locked yourself in the tree house your father built us?" I nodded and moved over to sit with my back to the door and continued crying realizing how ironic that it was the day I found out my grandmother had passed away.
"Well I went up to join you and held you. I just held you because I knew that it was what you wanted. And after you felt better remember what you told me?" he asked and I wiped away my tears because I remembered my exact words.
"You said that as long as I was there you could get through anything. Well I'm here sweetie and I'm not going anywhere ever." he said and I could hear him slide down the door. I leaned my head against the door and I remember feeling like everything was going to be ok. I opened the door and walked into the arms of my life.
That was the day I realized he was the only person I wanted there forever. I knew deep down inside I was unworthy of such a wonderful man but he always told me that he was unworthy of me. After that day he and I were inseparable. Wherever you saw me you also saw him. Little did I know that after high school things would change. So finding myself here in this moment in time was a bit overwhelming. It was as if the two years prior to that day were just all a bad nightmare. During those two years I felt as if my whole world was taken from me. Saying goodbye to the man standing next to me was the worst feeling ever.
He took me to our special place. A meadow we both loved and thought was the most beautiful place in the whole entire world. He wrapped his arms around me and looked down. When I saw the sadness in his eyes I knew something was wrong. He told me he had to go away for school and that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity since it was a full scholarship. I cried for hours and I remember realizing that what he was saying was true. Opportunities like the one he was given were a scarce thing. After a few minutes I came to the conclusion that I had to let him go. I had to live in a world where he didn't exist physically, at least until I finished school and was able to be with him again. His arms were the only thing that kept me together as I told him that he had to follow his dreams and take the scholarship. He was so talented and gifted so I couldn't let him give up his dreams. A month later I kissed him and watched as he walked into the airport terminal for the last time in what could be years. As I watched him I remember a part of my heart ripping off. That was the part that was used to being with him. I wiped my tears away and reminded myself that if he didn't take the opportunity he was going to live a life of regret.
When he called a few months later and said the four words I never wanted to hear my world crumbled. I don't want you. Those were the words that shattered me. It's unbelievable how those four words can shatter your hopes, dreams and most importantly your life. Those were the words he told me on the phone that cold September day when he called to tell me that I should move on with my life. He uttered them in a way that I had never heard anyone say them to the women they supposedly loved. I pleaded with him but to no avail because he had made his decision. I was kidding myself when I believed he meant it when he told me I was his life and he couldn't live in a world I didn't exist in. Of course that was the way I felt for him but apparently those feelings were not reciprocated. I didn't even hear anything after those four words. Nothing he said mattered anymore because in those words he said everything. I was unworthy of his love and he had confirmed it. When I said my world crumbled I meant it. It did literally crumble and I didn't even try to hold it up.
Months and seasons went by and all I did was live in a world of horror, nightmares, pain and suffering. My family and friends tried helplessly to help me get through it but they didn't know how much it hurt. I couldn't breath right, my chest was missing its heart and my body was lifeless. I was a zombie and I looked like one too. Thinking about it I felt a shiver run down my spine. Thinking about that time in my life always made me shiver because I still was scared that it would happen again. But I knew it wouldn't because I had learned to survive.
You see a year later was the first time I tried to live a normal life. I started to hang out with my friends again and actually felt like a normal person. I did the obvious and went to school and work and started healing little by little. My friend Jacob was the one to thank for that. He helped me cope with the lost and never gave up on me. He understood and didn't bring up the subject ever. Instead he helped me move on and tried every way possible to make me laugh and have a good time. I even made friends with some of his buddies and we would have a great time down at the beach together. Months later I had moved on, or so I thought.
Exactly two years after he left he returned and everything went downhill for awhile. When I got to my dorm after classes I noticed a bouquet of flowers on my desk. I figured they were from Jacob so I ran over and opened the note. I remember how I froze when I read the note. I remember his exact words, My dearest Bella, I know I'm the last person you expected this from but I couldn't let another year go by without you. I know that I have a lot of explaining and you might not give me a chance to explain. I'm back in town for good and I don't plan on ever leaving you again. That was the worst mistake I have ever made and I know Imust live with it. Love You Always. His return was like opening up old wounds that felt fresh. I tried to avoid him but had no success since he was as stubborn as I was and wouldn't leave me alone. He tried over and over again to explain things to me but I wasn't having it. He didn't have the right to leave and then come back when I had finally started to get over him. Deep down I knew I still loved him but nothing he could say was going to make the last two years go away.
A month later, I was till struggling with his return and was having a horrible night. My best friend Alice was having a dinner for my birthday and since I needed to get out I agreed.
When I arrived at the party I noticed all of my friends and family and went around greeting them. As I was giving my friends Rose and Emmett a hug I heard the giggles of their little girls, which were my god daughters. I was about to turn around when I heard them running in the direction of the door.
"Uncle Edward, Uncle Edward" they shouted. As soon as his name left there mouth I froze.
Of course he would be here but didn't Alice know that was why I agreed to the party. The party was my way of getting away from him and all the heartache. I was angry and threw the coldest glare at Alice before turning to face him. As he kneeled playing with the girls, my heart ached realizing that we could have had that…together. And then the fury boiled when I realized that he had thrown all that away and we were never going to have it. He didn't want it. He didn't want me. I looked over at Jacob and knew that he was feeling the same way I was. Well not exactly the same way since he wanted to kill him and I just didn't want to see him. He strode over to me and wrapped his arm around me protectively as he always did when he knew I was going to have a meltdown. I leaned into his arms and counted down the seconds until I knew I wasn't going to crumble. I kissed his cheek and then turned to talk to my friends. I wasn't going to let him ruin my night and I was going to show him he didn't affect me in anyway. After enjoying dinner and some cake everyone sat around telling stories about when I was little. I was really enjoying myself and having him there was not ruining my mood. I would see him staring at me sometimes through the night but I would ignore him and turn to talk to someone. Then the words that left my father's mouth ruined it all.
"I think the hardest time for Bella was when her mother passed away. I remember me or Alice couldn't make her leave the bathroom. The only person that could was…" as he trailed off realizing his mistake he looked at me apologetically. I felt another meltdown coming, and Jacob's arms wrapped around me, but for the first time in months they couldn't stop it. I looked around threw the puddle of tears that were brimming over my eyes and saw how everyone else had froze and was looking at me. As I meet his green eyes I saw sadness in them and a grimace on his face. I could feel my heart constricting and began to hyperventilate. Deciding it wasn't the place to have a meltdown I got up and ran out of the house. With tears running down my face and a heart that was aching I ran until I felt a pair of arms wrap around me. As the person brought me closer to them I leaned into their chest and fell to the ground sobbing. When I had calmed down enough to feel and hear I felt the electric surge run through my body and abruptly pulled back. I knew who the cause of that feeling was and I didn't want it.
"Bella please talk to me" he pleaded as I made to stand up.
"Why should I?" I asked with fresh tears trailing down my face.
"Because I need to explain myself, love. I need to tell you why I did what I did" he kept pleading as he looked at me with eyes full of pain. My heart skipped a beat as I heard the one word I missed the most. He didn't love me so he didn't have the right to use it and it really pissed me off.
"Don't call me your love because as I remember you don't love me." I sneered over at him.
"Bella I could never stop loving you. You are my life and I need you to know that." he tried to explain but I was tired of apologies.
"Are you kidding me Edward!! You don't love me because if you loved me you would have never left me! You wouldn't have told me you didn't want me! Don't you dare think that you can come back years later and say you didn't mean it! You did mean it because you did it!!" I screamed not caring if anyone in the neighborhood heard.
"Bella I didn't want to lose you. I knew you would get tired of waiting and I didn't want to get hurt. So I did what I thought was best. I let you go so that you could live a happy life with someone that could be there with you. Telling you I didn't love you was the worst blasphemy ever." he explained and moved closer to me. I couldn't believe that he had left me because he was afraid I would leave him. Didn't he know how much I loved him?
"How could you?! How could you make such a decision without me! We were a couple don't you remember! Didn't you think I should have had a say in that too! I loved you more then my life! I stared straight into his eyes through a haze of tears.
"I know you loved me Bella but I was scared. I was a coward and I've lived the past years regretting that decision every single day." he tried to reason and I took a step back.
"You've been regretting it for years? Years! and now you want to come back and pretend nothing happened! No Edward it doesn't work that way. You gave up on me that day. You let me go so I want you to keep it that way. Forget I ever existed, Edward." I said as more tears started to flow down my eyes.
"No Bella I did give up and was a coward but I won't do it again. I love you and I won't stop fighting for you. You know that you love me as I do you and I will show you that I'm sorry. I'm not going anywhere. I love you and I won't make the same mistake ever again."
I looked up and saw that he had meant everything he had just said. And he was telling the truth because I did love him. I never did stop loving him. Before I could register what was happening he had moved closer to me and grabbed me in his arms. I tried to push back but he placed his arms around my waist and brought his lips to mine. As soon as I felt them against my lips I felt the electric current surge from my lips to my entire body. I wrapped my arms around his next and pressed my lips harder against his. I missed his touch and his kisses and at the moment I couldn't get enough. It was as if the last few years hadn't happen but as flashes of the years ran through my head I quickly pushed back.
"Tell me you didn't feel anything Bella. Tell me you don't love me and I will accept it" he whispered as he looked at me. In his eyes I saw all the hurt and guilt for what he did. I knew he had made a bad decision but would I have done the same? If I were in his situation would I want him to find someone that could be there for him? Of course I would but I wouldn't have made the decision without talking to him about it.
"Edward I...I can't do this right now. I need time to think. For you to doubt my love for you is so much worst then what you did and right now I need to get my thoughts and feelings in order. Please don't contact me." I whispered, turned and walked back towards the house.
After that day he did give me time but didn't stop showing me how much he loved me. I didn't forgive him quickly and we had our up and downs during those times but eventually I stopped hurting and l gave into my hearts wants and needs. We moved forward and ever since then I haven't looked back at the past. Those years that he was gone were erased. I didn't forget them but I did forgive him because I knew in my heart that he was all I wanted. He was my heart, my soul mate, my lover, my best friend and my world. Life without the man standing next to me wasn't worth living. That decision was the best decision I ever made and looking up into the gorgeous green eyes of my husband confirmed it. Then looking down at the little precious child with the same green eyes and brunette hair substantiated it. I finally had everything I ever wanted and this time it wasn't going to be taken away. Our love overcame every little battle and our prize was the precious child in my arms. I knew I was definitely worthy.....