The Funeral (Part 1)
By, Justin Pierantoni
A mistake was made at Paddy Greisen's funeral. When the casket was opened the body laid face down. Paddy's ass as well as the bullet hole in the back of his head was in few view for the world to see. The people at the funeral didn't seem to care. It wasn't until the funeral director got out of the bathroom did anyone cared to mention it.
"Mister Greisens," The Funeral director, a stout round man with charcoal black thinning hair, tapped on Michael Greisen's back.
Michael was focused on the buffet table. He and his sister, Melissa, were in charge of their brother's funeral. Michael's only contribution to the funeral services was a small buffet table filled with Paddy's favorite foods which included little finger shrimps, Egg salad, and an ice tub filled with a case of Jack Daniels. After the third tap Michael turned around, "Yes?" Michael's tall, lean body cast a shadow on the funeral director.
"Sir I don't mean to pry but is your brother meant to be laying face down?" The director pushed up his oval glasses and wiped the sweat from his upper brow.
Michael's eyes turned upward as he contemplated the question for a moment while stuffing another shrimp into his mouth. He honestly didn't know whether or not that was the way the funeral was planned. He looked back at the funeral director, "Seems like a silly question, right?" The funeral director began to walk away but Michael grabbed him by the shoulder, "And still… give me a moment while I speak with my sister".
Michael took a tall shot of the Jack Daniels before he walked across the Aisle of the huge gothic Cathedral while the priest spoke adjusting his glasses as he read a passage. He had a dozen shrimp in his hands. Three hundred people were at the funeral of Paddy Greisens, the youngest partner in the biggest law firm in the state. The list of attendees included friends (Colleges) family (not by choice) and old girlfriends (girls he fucked in the back of the 7-Eleven) all sat down silent, not saying a word. No body really cared. No one really liked Paddy. The general consensus was that the main reason anyone attended was not because they loved Paddy but because it was the social event of the season. The complete and honest truth was that, everyone thought Paddy was an asshole.
Michael made his way to Melissa. She was wearing a long, silk, red dress with a giant round sun hat. Michael pushed his way though the crowd of people in her row. He whispered "Melissa".
Melissa turned, "What the hell Mike? I've been looking everywhere for you. How'd you find me?"
"That hat's like a fucking UFO, I could spot it from the buffet table," Michael was kneeling down in front of Melissa to not attract attention.
"The service was suppose to be outside but it looks like it'll rain any minute and u spent a two hundred dollars on this hat," Melissa reapplied lipstick while speaking.
"Are you out of your fucking mind? This is the only suit I've owned in six years," He slid a shrimp into his mouth.
"I could tell. It's a real improvement from the last one, is that a big boy tie," She gave a small smirk.
Michael opened his mouth but couldn't think of something to say, he then asked, "What did you want to ask me?" Michael started tying his shoes.
"What?"
"You said you were looking for me earlier?"
"I wanted to know if you found out if Donald Walberg was here?" she pulled out a compact and started spot checking her performance in the little mirror.
"You've been in love with that for years Melissa, he has a girlfriend."
"That's bullshit and you know it. I have a bit of a crush. And you honestly think he really likes her in her piss yellow dress".
"As appose to you and your fucking big red dress and hat you're wearing here? Yeah, maybe." Michael thought about the reason he was here for a moment. He then remembered "I wanted to ask you. Is Paddy supposed to be face down in the casket?" Michael cracks a small nervous smirk.
Melissa closes her compact and stares at Michael like he has Down syndrome, "Are you god damn kidding me?"
"I didn't think so", Michael rushes back across the aisles of people ducking and staying as low as possible still a handful of shrimp in his hand. Michael remembered something urgent and headed back, "If you see Carol, you tell me."
Melissa's face turned red, "Get the fuck over there."
Michael made his way toward the front where the priest was speaking and whispered in his ear. The priest stopped mid sentence. He turned to Michael in a look of religious astonishment. Michael put another shrimp in his mouth. The priest stepped down from the podium and they walked swiftly over to the casket. He stared at the upside down body for a moment.
"Well I'll be damned," The priest took off his glasses for a better look. Michael put his hand around the priest's shoulder.
"Wanna help me turn him over?" Michael stuck another shrimp in his mouth. The priest turned to him and stared at Michael for a long hard moment, contemplating whether or not Michael was joking. "You know, to help our fellow man."
The two of them proceeded to flip capsized body, not wanting to touch it that much but wanting to get it over with as soon as possible. "Now would be a good time for all that strength of God shit to kick in." The priest slipped for a moment, being caught off guard by the comment. They finally managed to turn the body over, both men starting to sweat. They turned around and realized that all the attendees were watching. Michael stuck his last shrimp in his mouth.
The priest broke the silence, "Now the decease's brother would like to say a few words. Michael didn't connect the dots at first. He stood there with a blank smile. After the thought processed though his brain his face became pale. He turned to the priest who was smiling to the congregation. Michael then turned to the men and women in the church, the half he didn't know confused and the half he did know smiling for the guaranteed enjoyment of the next few minutes.
Michael walked up to the podium. He quickly processed his intro to public speaking class in college. All he could remember was Gabriel Ditman's bra strap and that made him feel a little bit easier but not in the way he wanted. He went to the top podium and looked out at everybody. He suddenly noticed his sister Melissa's face. Her jaw had dropped and her face was pale as a baby bottle. She had an odd resemblance to a clown and this made Michael feel a hell of a lot more confident.
Michael started out with a joke he thought Paddy would like, It started, "A truck driver is driving down the road, when he sees two black guys with a broken-down bicycle…" and ended, "And the first officer then says 'He got a truck load of nigger eggs, two of them hatched, and they've already stolen a bike!'".
The room is silent except for Luigi Mechino, one Michael's cousins, who was on the floor laughing his ass off. Michael then went into how much he loved his brother and how much everybody he knew loved him, all lies. After he finished there was silence. Luigi was giving a standing ovation. When he stepped down from the podium he thought for a moment if it was a sin to lie about your brother at his funeral, about your brother but only not to hurt his feelings. He then thought whose feelings would he be hurting? There parents were dead, everyone here knew what an asshole Paddy was. I guess he did it for Melissa. She'd been put the funeral together when no one would. It was a little sad. She sat there, in that ridiculous outfit, totally lost in her head.
Lightning struck and all of a sudden it began to pour. Everyone in the funeral home jumped and commotion soon begot. Someone near one of the windows gasped, "Lighting struck someone's car", and soon everyone was heading over to take a look.
Timothy and Rebecca were the last ones to get up and head for the window. They had been married for three years. Rebecca said, "What car was it?" no one could hear what she said. She tried jumping and pushing to find a way though the crowd to get a glimpse, she grabbed her husband and pulled him close, "Why aren't you helping me, I'm 5'6, how the fuck are we going to know-"
"Oh, it's our car," Tim seemed spectacularly casual about it. Rebecca could not be more irritated.
"How do you know it was our car?"
"Well, we don't know anybody here, Paddy was my roommate in law school, we were going strait back home after the funeral, no other way home, no place to sleep for the night… of course it's our car," Tim sat back down and put his head in his hands. Rebecca took out a cigarette. Tim utters, "Hey, at least were here together," Rebecca puts the cigarette back in her bag.
Someone from the front yells, "It's a Ford Taurus".
"That's our car," Rebecca seemed completely shocked.
"That's your car," said Tim and turned his eyes away. Rebecca reaches in her bag and flicks the cigarette, hitting Tim in the forehead.
The crowd then began to focus on the rain. They became anxious to leave but none of them wanted to be rude. Michael knew this but Melissa didn't. "Fuck em," thought Michael, "they could wait." The funeral director walked up to Michael tapped him the shoulder, "What can I do you for Franklyn?"
The funeral director spoke softly, "Sir, we can't bring the coffin out in this weather. The ground is too loose around the grave sight. We couldn't safely secure the coffin once we place it in the ground."
"What do you mean 'secure'? It's not a coffin full of Anthrax where talking about here. I think there's very little to harm on man who killed himself driving his S-2000 into a brick wall. You told me those aren't even his legs in there."
"Its just policy sir," the funeral director looked down at his feet.
"Severed was the word you used when describing them."
The funeral director's eyes shot up, "I'm sorry sir. We'll have to do it in the morning after the storm passes."
"Yeah, thanks", Michael let the guy go. He pulled a flask out of his jacket pocket and took a sip before putting it back. He walked over to Melissa, "Hey."
"What the fuck did you say up there?" Melissa's eyes were red.
"We're going to have to burry Paddy tomorrow."
"What?"
"Funereal service can't do it with the rain," Michael noticed his sister's face was white. "You want to let these guys go now? Before the rain gets any worse," Melissa's eyes filled with tears. She moved forward and began to cry on Michael's shoulder. Michael slowly pried her off and looked her right in the eye, "Fuck em, okay, they can wait an extra half an hour."
"No, let them go," Melissa wiped her eyes off. She began to frown and turned to Michael, "You're going to stay, to help me with the burial arrangements?"
"I don't know how much of a burial it'll be if it keeps pouring like this but I'll stick around," Michael jumped back as his sister gave him a hug.
"Thank you," She breathed the words into his suit.
"Just tell them as soon as you have your self together," he gently pried her off him hurried her along to get ready and pulled his flask out his jacket pocket, he whispered to himself, "They don't want to hear me again and nobody likes a crying bitch at a funeral." He takes a shot out of the flask.
Melissa was back in a minute. She was composed, smiling; her hat was off to show her dirty blonde hair in a French bow. If you didn't know she was crying two minutes ago you wouldn't know at all, she tried to get peoples attention, "Hello?.. Please, can I have your attention? Can I have just a moment everyone?" No one was listening or cared. Michael saw his sister's struggle and tried to help.
"Follow me." He grabbed his sister's hand and walked her to the front of the church where the podium was. He grabbed the microphone, "Everyone? Everyone? SHUT THE FUCK UP!" The place was silent. Michael handed the microphone to his sister. He snuck another shot out of his flask
"Thank you all for coming today, it would've meant so much to Paddy, due to the in climate weather though we wish to inform you that the burial will be held tomorrow instead. We will call you all and let you know further details but unless you wish to speak with Paddy one more time before he is put to rest, the services are over for the night," She smiled like a champ and Michael was proud of her. He was also a little drunk.
Everyone left for the night in an instant. The only people left in the funeral home were Michael, Melissa, Tim, Rebecca, the Priest and the funeral director. They all sat at different portions of the church. Michael and Melissa sat at the front, Tim and Rebecca sat closest to the exit and the priest and the funeral director sat in the back.
Michael was bent over in his chair. He thought about all the things he would rather be doing at this exact moment; flossing, painting the bottom of his dog's drinking bowl or making paper machete dildo's with the little girl across the street. He was sick as a dog and wished to god the night would be over soon. Then he thought about Carol. Her light brown hair that turned slightly orange when the sun hit it. Her green eyes that resembled sea water washing back and forth. He knew it was a long shot to get her to come but he was disappointed none the less.
Melissa was thinking about Paddy. Paddy was her big brother. Michael and her were twins but she always turned to Paddy for advice, no matter how bad it was. Paddy was just starting law school when Melissa got out of high school. She was seventeen and he was twenty one. She asked him if he knew what school she should apply for. He told her to be poor, get high and sleep with as many random men as she could find. Melissa always thought that talk was meant for Michael and not her.
Tim was leaning back on the bench. Rebecca was lying on his thigh. They had been up for two days strait. They had spent the there time looking at apartments near the Tampa area. Tim had got a job in a small law office. Tim's old office went under. The partners had been buying off local officials. Tim had turned them down three times when offered to become a partner. He planed ahead. That's what he was good at. A door swung open swiftly; just easy enough to not hit the wall. Tim turned his head. A young woman walked in, and she was gorgeous.
Michael turned his head. It was Carol. He couldn't do anything but watch her as her dripping body made its way to the front of the church. She had an umbrella but it did little to stop the rain that was coming in sideways now. She stopped halfway to the front. She had just noticed that the Church was empty. Carol walked faster to the front. Michael put his head down lower. Melissa got up.
"Hey Carol," Melissa took her hat off.
"Where is everyone?" Carol moved the umbrella under her armpit and hugged Melissa. Something Melissa didn't expect.
"We let them go early. Where were you?"
"My caught a flat on Fowler and-," Carol had suddenly notice Michael slumped down in his chair. Her face turned red, then white within seconds. She tried moving her eyes before Michael looked up but when there eyes met they couldn't look away.
"Hi Carol," Michael almost whispered the words out his mouth. He hardly realized he said them.
"Hey Mikey," Carol's lips were shaking, half from being cold. She bit her bottom one to keep it still. The two of them stared at each other, neither one wanting to speak first. Melissa got up.
"You want to talk in back for a bit?" Melissa was offering Carol an out.
"Yeah, okay," Carol walked as fast as she the back. The heals made a clacking sound Michael remembered later sounded like a horse. She was half way there before Melissa started. Melissa turned to Michael. He was still looking down. She smacked him in the back of the head.
"You know your going to half to talk to her tonight?" She tried to reason with her brother.
"Don't want to do it half drunk."
"Well don't screw it up," She walked to the back of the church. Michael was all alone. He couldn't believe he was in this situation. He leaned back on the bench and closed his eyes.
"Jesus Fuck me," He opened his eyes and saw a stain glass window of Jesus on the cross. "Not really,"