Disclaimer: DO I look like I own Harry Potter? I don't think so! If I did Fread Weasley, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Hedig, Dobby, and a whole lot of others would not have died!
It was for once a normal morning at Hogwarts for one Harry Potter, or as normal as things could be for the boy-who-lived. Despite all the whispers of him being the chosen one and all that things were fairly normal. He was having breakfast having the usual, when Hedwig came flying into the great hall. That was normal too.. Except this time she had… a news paper in her beak. Swooping down to drop the paper on Harry's lap and abscond with his bacon, Harry stared at the Daily Profit in his lap. Well if Hedwig had brought it… it couldn't be anything bad.
What Harry saw shocked him. The entire front page as taken up by a huge advertisement.
The Quickest ways to Die in Harry Potter
1. Go up to Snape and suggest he adopt Harry Potter
2. Go up to Lucius Malfoy when he is in front of a Lot of Ministry officials and say "its ok Lucius, I know that you are in reality a muggle born who was adopted by The Malfoy family and all this Wizard superiority stuff is a form of over compensation
3. Run around Wizarding London and scream "The Dark Lord Voldemort is my Bitch come and get me!" with your name and address on the back of your shirt.
4. Tell a Hippogriff that NO it can't have any more Ferrets, its too fat and its on a diet.
5. Attempt to play ball with a werewolf
6. Go up to a Veela and say that you know a hag prettier than she is.
7. Try to put a saddle on a centaur
8. Tell Dolores Umbridge that she is fat, ugly and looks like a bubble gum pink toad, and to have her check for magical toad ancestry in her blood.
9. Go up to Bellatrix Lestrange and say " I am a muggle and superior to you!
10. Go up to Bellatrix and tell her that Voldemort is your bitch
11. Tell Bellatrix that she is an ugly insane bitch
12. Telling Bellatrix that Dumbledore is a greater wizard that Voldemort.
13. Going anywhere near Bellatrix in general is basically a death wish.
14. Go into the Forbidden Forest, Find the acromantulas and tell them "Dinner is served"
15. Go to the head table in the great hall during Dinner and stop in fount of Snape, Say in a loud voice that carries through out the hall that Just because he as bullied in school does not mean he can be mean to the students.
16. Accuse Loudly that Snape had a crush on James Potter and/or Sirius Black during school and is still angry over the rejection.
17. Jump out at Alastor Moody's back and yell boo
18. Go up to Voldemort and tell him that he hair club for men works wonders
19. Go up to Voldemort and suggest he see a dermatologist
20. Tell Voldemort that just because he has abandonment issues does not mean he can go around mass murdering people.
21. Tell Voldemort to book a physiatrist because he has Mommy Issues
22. Suggest That Voldemort has an inferiority complex
23. Tell Voldemort that Harry Potter will kill him and the world will dance on his grave.
24. Ask Voldemort if he had too much plastic surgery and if that's why he doesn't have a nose.
25. Suggest Loudly that Voldemort hates Albus Dumbledore because he turned down a date from Voldemort.
26. On second thought Going anywhere near Voldemort is basically a death wish.
27. Go up to Imposter Moody (Barty Crouch Jr.) and tell him you know who he really is and you are telling Dumbledore.
28. Go up to a blast-ended-screwt and kiss it telling it its so pretty.
29. Run up to Fluffy and try to give it a hug
30. Tell a dementors that you know here Sirius Black is But you Won't tell them anything! (technically not death but hey you loose your soul)
**Doing afore mentioned things are guaranteed to get you killed!**
**We are not responsible for pain/torture before death**
**We are also not responsible for failed murder attempts that leave you maimed/disfigured/ or injured in anyway.**
Harry sat dumb founded at the article in his hand. The person who wrote this was insane and suicidal or a mixture of both. He really hoped that Voldemort and his Death Eaters never caught this person. He got the nagging suspicion that it would be one vision he definitely would not want to see.
All across Wizarding Britten the mentioned subjects of the article ere having violent tantrums.
People like Fred and George Weasley had fallen over laughing.
People like Molly Weasley were horrified, and convinced the writer of the advertisement would be murdered in their beds, and ere flooing their relatives to make sure none of them had ANYTHING to do with this.
One person had a very different reaction. Deep In a forest in Scotland a being was laughing so hard she was crying and having trouble breathing. It took her a while to calm down, but when she did she had a huge grin plastered to her face. The being was a fey a physical embodiment of chaos. Known for causing pranks both vicious and benign, this fey was convinced she had pulled off the prank of the century. Adding more chaos to the always very chaotic war riddled wizarding Britten deserved a reward in her books. Voldemort and his Death Eaters would never found out she did it. Let them blame ho they will they would never get it right, and in doing so more chaos was added to the world.