Prom Knights: The Four Trails of Dating
By Seravy
Note: edited version with some changes based on Syaoran Li Clow and GladiuLucrix's reviews.
6:15 pm: Outside the Yagami Household
His suit was new, black and conservative, chosen after much deliberation with a deep blue tie jammed snugly under his Adam's apple. It took him months to build up enough courage to ask Yagami Hayate to the graduation prom, and just as much time of part-time work to ensure that he could afford those expensive prom and after party tickets, slow dance lessons, a rented limo, (condoms) and a corsage. A few bills crushed into the driver's rough palms ensured that elegant flute glasses brimming with chilled champagne would be waiting inside for their under age selves.
Truth was, he has had a crush on Yagami Hayate since the first day of high school the moment his chocolate eyes laid upon her (just his eyes, nothing else). He wanted this night to be memorable, romantic and perfect and if he was lucky, maybe he could --euphemistically speaking-- "score"… or in the very least, "get to second base".
Now, please do not think any less of this guy just because he is acting like a… well, a guy. And let us not doubt his sincerity. Did I mention that he has had a crush on Hayate since the first day of high school? The tickets, the limo, the champagne, the corsage, the dance lessons? 'Cause that's one dedicated guy trying to get laid—I mean trying very hard to be nice and responsible (he did get the condoms). Was YOUR date that nice? See, there you go.
Hayate had offered to pay for half of all expenses but he insisted, wanting to be the best date his date has ever had, sweeping her off her feet with the limo and his suave dance skills so they have something beautiful to reminisce about when he is old with a beer belly and the love and magic have all but disappeared from their bitter marriage. How sweet.
Anyways, here he was, fifteen minutes early, standing at the front door to a fairly large house in a densely populated country like Japan where space is a luxury. Armed with his refrigerated corsage of white roses, he took a deep breath, reached out with his shaking right hand and pressed the little black button. Within seconds, the door opened and revealed a young woman in a long rich umber coloured dress and a beige top. Give her another fifteen years and she'd be definite MILF material.
"I'm Higushi Mitsugi!" said the boy, bowing until his body folded into a stiff right angle. "I'm here to pick up Yagami-san for the prom."
"Hi! I'm Shamal," greeted the blonde woman cheerily, "Hayate-chan will be down in just a minute. Why don't you come in for a cup of tea while you wait?"
"Thank you very much!"
Mitsugi breathed a sigh of relief as he lifted his body up, his confidence immensely boosted by the friendly greeting. He followed his hostess deeper into the Yagami dwelling until the living room. There, he took a seat on the sofa as he was instructed to do before the blonde woman disappeared into the kitchen with a kind smile.
He was just quietly twiddling his thumbs, imagining how magnificent this night shall be until he felt an uneasiness sneaking up his spine. Out of the corner of his eyes curled up on the floor was a puppy with the oddest deep blue fur he had ever seen, watching him. It certainly looked like a puppy, smelled like one too but somehow, it just didn't feel like one; those round and oddly hostile eyes told him that this little canine could rip off a limb or two should it feel like it. Nervously, he shifted a little further away.
Footsteps soon pattered out towards him. He thought it was his blonde hostess coming back with tea until he caught deep navy eyes not just watching him, but directly and unabashedly glaring at him. The owner of this highly effective glower was a little red-headed girl, around six to seven years old, with two long braids down her back, jutting out on either side like wings. She stood with her arms by her sides, a weird looking stuffed bunny with bad stitches for a mouth clutched in her left fist. Mitsugi darted his eyes between meeting that hostile gaze and looking at the lifeless TV. It amazed him how the child didn't even need to blink with all that glaring. Finally, he decided to swallow his fear, walk over there and be the older, more mature of the two. After all, he could possibly end up being the girl's relative.
"Hi there, little one, I'm Higushi Mitsugi," he said with a smile, kneeling down to meet the girl's height, "What's your name?"
And the poor fellow had to do the worst thing possible in his attempt at friendliness: He tried to pat the girl on the head. Big mistake. Big painful mistake as this boy shall soon learn. The child caught his outreached hand, kicked him in the shins and in a flash, Mitsugi found himself on his knees, his face on the floor as the little red-headed girl kept his arm in an awkward position behind his back and a foot on his gluteus maximus aka his flat Asian ass (don't be insulted Asians, you and I both know our asses are flat). It didn't matter that he was bloody screaming "uncle" because the pressure on his arm simply increased.
"Try that again and I'll smash your face in and break every bone in that scrawny body of yours that not even your own mama can recognize your pathetic self. Got that, worm?"
He was screaming "yes", God knew he was, if only the pain wasn't distorting his answer into a long howl of incoherence.
"Vita."
The word was materialized by a low, authoritative female voice. He supposed that that was the little girl's name seeing that she answered with an annoyed "What?".
"Tis not honourable to abuse one's power."
"He started it!"
"Then forgive him."
He felt rather insulted within that short exchange but with a final twist on his aching butt, he was released and allowed to pick himself up from his humiliation. The girl stomped off but not without leaving a final message.
"Keep your pervert hands off of Hayate."
And he felt another jolt of pure agony upon his injured shins. It took all of his pride to keep himself from yelping.
"Please excuse Vita's rudeness."
"No, it was my fault," Mitsugi replied with forced civility as he rubbed his shins and assessed his saviour.
The woman was tall, and androgynously dressed in blue jeans and a loose white button-up dress shirt, her long pink hair tied up in a high ponytail, the type one would expect on a samurai without the patterned shaving. Unlike Shamal who greeted him with kindness and the girl named Vita who downright hated him on sight, this woman, who appeared to be in her early twenties, merely surveyed him without any indication of her opinion despite his recent defeat at the hands of an abnormally strong and hateful child.
"Sit."
The command was simple and Mitsugi found himself obeying without a second thought. The woman sat with her legs crossed and her arms folded across her ample bossom. Her gaze was steady, her strong facial features set with grim determination. He had to admit, the Yagami bloodline sure yielded a wide variety of attractive women that share no family resemblance. Shamal had a soft grace and charm that could warm any man's heart while this woman had a handsome undertone to her beauty that made her the perfect conquest for any daring warrior. Even that little red-headed devil was cute if she wasn't so damn violent.
"Higushi Mitsugi. Nice to meet you."
He bowed his head, showing as much respect as he could muster. He had a feeling that if he ever needed to ask for Hayate's hand in marriage, this would be the person he'd be coming to.
"Signum."
And that was it. Adults were usually the ones directing the conversation, asking insignificant details while trying to sound interested in their children's friend (future husband). Signum, however, said nothing. Instead, it was as if he was surrounded by surveillance cameras, being inspected for the slightest culpable act. His mouth became dry, his palms sweaty as he strained to hold as still as possible. Finally, the woman broke the silence with her alto voice that commanded his full attention.
"You will bring her back by midnight."
"Yes sir, I mean, yes m'am-- I mean--"
"Safely."
"Of course," said Mitsugi, thankful for Signum's interruption that ended his verbal stumbling.
"And you will treat her with respect."
"Yes!"
Silence cut the space between them once again and he wished that Shamal will return soon with tea and that beautiful smile. Signum then stood up and walked over to the front wall where a pair of katana was held upon a rich bistre stand. She picked one of them up, her back to him.
"Nice katana," commented Mitsugi conversationally.
"They're not just nice."
He didn't really know what that meant but figuring Signum to be the "woman of few words" type he decided to keep his mouth shut unless spoken to again.
"Between now and midnight… should you commit inappropriate lecherous acts and tarnish Mas—Hayate-san's reputation…"
Signum allowed her sentence to trail off into silence as she pushed her thumb against the guard of the katana, revealing a fraction of cold steel. Hayate's prom date blinked and felt a soft whisper of coolness over his forehead. In the next instant, without having ever witnessed the weapon being drawn, he was watching the long blade being replaced back into its protective covering, inch by inch. When the entire length disappeared, a few strands of his hair fluttered down before his eyes.
"I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I--"
His mouth bobbed up and down rapidly like a fish on land, gasping for air. He wasn't sure if he had managed to complete his sentence or not but hopefully he had at least conveyed his message of going to help out in the kitchen after dashing away at full speed, making damn sure he stayed far far away from that blue "puppy" as he did so.
6:22 pm: Kitchen
Thankfully, he made it to the kitchen with all four of his limbs intact. Right now he just hoped that he had met all of the family; he wasn't sure if he could survive another encounter. Peeking at his wrist, his watch said that he had only been here for 8 minutes and yet it felt like an eternity (cliché but it really did "feel like an eternity" for Mitsugi).
"You look a little pale, Mitsugi-kun. You alright?"
Mitsugi managed a nod, taking in the steamy aroma of red tea within the air.
"You'll have to excuse Vita-chan and Signum. They're just a little edgy since it's Hayate-chan's first date."
"Really?" said Mitsugi, incredulously. Excitement gushed through his veins, learning that he had beaten all his male competitors to this wonderful girl.
"Yep! I have to say that I'm a little nervous too but I hope the two of you will get along. Hayate-chan is a really nice girl. And I can tell that you're a nice sincere boy."
"Thank you, Shamal-san."
He grinned from ear to ear, his trepidation swept away by that genuine smile. Finally, someone that was treating him with some human decency instead of threatening and delivering bodily harm. He would be singing and dancing in the rain with joy if it were actually raining outside and he wouldn't look like a complete psycho that needs to be admitted. In the very least, the blue "puppy", the red-headed devil and the samurai wannabe probably wouldn't try anything else if Shamal was closeby.
"Now, I know this is prom night and sometimes things could get out of hand and the two of you are young but do try not to go too far. This is a first date after all. I'd call the line on second."
His cheeks suddenly felt like hot lumps of coal and he looked down to his grey socks with embarrassment.
"Cookie? I made them from scratch."
Mitsugi took a cookie from the offered tray and felt his overworked nerves relax for the first time since he set foot into this hellhole. Was this cheery woman actually encouraging him to do "this and that", contrary to the message the rest of the family was litterally beating into him?
If only the cookie didn't taste so… unique. Unfortunately, in a rush of happiness and embarrassment he had stuffed an entire piece into his mouth, the crumbs devastating his taste buds like molten lava and dry ice all at the same time. Spitting it out at this point would not only be rude but would most definitely ruin the only chance he had of befriending at least one of the Yagami relatives.
So while looking into Shamal's bright and expectant eyes, he swallowed and boy did he regret his decision. All he could remember was a blinding pain that spread from his stomach to every fiber in his body, distorting his vision and consciousness into a blurry nothingness. The distant sirens sang to him as his short life flashed before his very eyes.
An hour later, while the prom danced into the night, Mitsugi was flat on his back on itchy white hospital bed sheets as his stomach was being pumped. It was wrong of him to have let his guard down. If anything, the cheery woman was the most dangerous one of them all, poisoning him with a Cheshire grin on her face.
A lone tear leaked out from the corner of his right eye. Prom night. Ruined. His only comfort was that they were kind enough to call an ambulance instead of letting him just perish on the kitchen floor. Little did he know that those cookies were truly made with the best intentions and that he was merely one of many victims to Shamal's cooking mishaps. Unfortunately, he was also one of the few who were stupid enough to swallow.
However, Hayate did come and visit him the very next day with a variety of nourishment. It consoled his heart… If only those four servants of Satan weren't standing right behind her, especially that little red-headed kung-fu devil who had her arms wrapped possessively around his goddess's waist, sticking her tongue out at him while pretending to be the perfect angel in front of Hayate. And the nerve of that blonde woman to apologize for her "honest mistake". How was it possible that any human being could concoct something so dreadfully deadly from supposedly edible foods? From scratch indeed!! Maybe a little something something that 'accidentally' made its way into the eggs and flour?! Even though the samurai wannabe simply stood there without offering a single word, he knew, HE KNEW, that inside, she was cutting him up into tini pieces of human sashimi, plotting against him just like the rest of them were.
And that is how a teenage boy named Higushi Mitsugi developed a serious case of paranoia. To this day, not a single person has successfully dated Yagami Hayate thanks to her intimidating rank at the TSAB, workaholic lifestyle and her faithful and overprotective knights.
As for prom, Vita went in place of this poor unfortunate boy (who really was just trying to be nice) as Hayate's date with Signum and Shamal as chaperones of the event. Though no one took this "couple" seriously, it didn't stop the four of them from having a splendid and memorable evening, champagne (Vita wasn't allowed any), limo and all. And I do mean this as one of those heart-warming-Yagami-family moments type of thing.
THE END... and you should be feeling very sorry for this boy. He did nothing wrong except asked the wrong girl out for prom
Note: MILF: Mothers I'd Love to... have sex with