This first chapter is kind of depressing, but just like life-things get better.

Love is a funny thing. Love is a stupid thing. Love is a tragic thing, so I'm hoping to god that this isn't love.

He looked at me; I gazed at him and wondered what words were circling his mind. I doubted that he was wondering what my thoughts read, because it seemed so obvious that he was thinking of blossom. He was thinking how beautiful and smart she is and not even how weird I am. It would be nice if he at least thought about me but that was never how it went. "Hopeless romantic" more like hopeless … One look and I'm down not even a word just eyes and smiles and my imagination swirling and piecing together some personality that's completely false.

My palms held my face trying to push my emotions back. It's been a week since I first saw the new guy: Brick Jojo. He came in looking all cool and being all smart, and I didn't even notice the water I was sucking in until I was completely submerged—drowning. The first day they bonded over science.

I think he's going to ask her to Homecoming. They hang out every day afterschool. These are the words that are bubbling in my head as I clutch my silken pillow and stare into the darkness just taking in the feeling of my pillow and noticing how I sleep. It's not mature or efficient. I try to sleep like Blossom. I wake up in a ball holding Octi. I check on Blossom. She sleeps on her back; her hair is splayed around her.

…

She slept in a ball, innocent face and beautiful body. I had just passed her room but I saw her she reached out and pulled a stuffed animal marked with love and faded by time to her chest. I might of looked too long before moving on to my destination. I knocked before going in; Blossom was at her desk studying.

"What's up?" I asked. She turned to look at me and smiled slightly.

"Okay, are you ready for this?" She asked.

"Lay it on me." She pulled out the movie.

"It's a documentary on black holes!" She was excited. I laughed. She put it in I sat on her bed. She sat beside me.

"Hey Bloss." I asked.

"Yeah." She spoke quietly as the movie began.

"Why are we doing this?" She didn't look at me. "Who is the guy? The one you like?"

"Why do you care? It's a mutual arrangement; you get a fuck toy and I get some knowledge where I need it."

"Who hurt you?" She didn't speak. She watched the screen. I stood up, kissed her forehead and left. I didn't say anything but she knew what I meant. "I can't do this anymore."

…

I lay on my side the documentary made noise around me. Why can't anyone just stay? What's wrong with me? Why do people always leave me? These are the thoughts that pervaded my brain. Pathetic; I know. Thinking about it now, my thoughts seem artificial. Dexter didn't leave because he wanted someone more experienced he left because he's a genius. He left because science is the girl his heart beats for, I was just an experiment for him.

I'm so stupid! I let Brick Jojo, someone I don't even love, touch me in such a way. Granted he's good at it, but where is my self-respect. When did he become more morally attuned then me?

…

A week earlier

"You want me to what?" She blushed slightly, but her demeanor stayed the same: all business.

"I want you to train me in intercourse of the sexual variety." I felt myself smirk. She was serious.

"What makes you think id be interested in a job like that?" I asked.

"I know you are." She said staring me down.

"Well I am, but if I do this you have to do everything I say." I said. She didn't respond.

"Well?" I held out my hand. She shook.

"fine."

…

Ive never felt more stupid. Standing in Brick Jojos room.

"Sit down." He came out of the bathroom shirtless. I bit my lip more becuase I was nervous than I thought he was hot. I tentatively sat on his bed. He was looking down at me, not much emotion, then he sat beside me. It wasn't like this with Dexter. It wasn't scary or quiet even, but that's to be expected of course.

He put his hand behind my neck and I could feel his body approach me. I shut my eyes.

"Are you sure about this?" I was blushing. "Well then, first lesson: how to kiss." His lips stroked mine. They were soft and nice, Dexter's had tasted of mint. I can't describe his that easily. His hand ran down my back and he laid my head on the bed gently. Now his tongue was in my mouth and his hand was in my hair. I felt the little dignity I held on to clatter on the ground when his hand went up my shirt and I let it.

Why did I choose Brick? He was my type: a smart redhead. He was available, I knew he wasn't the type to settle down, and I was vulnerable. That first day when we were paired up in chemistry, he reminded me of Dexter, only a little bit, because in the same way I knew he was nothing like Dexter. Choose science over a girl—not him. So I made a relationship I could prosper in while still staying detached, but I never imagined it may hurt him. By only looking at him in terms of what he wasn't, he wasn't dexter, I dehumanized him. I made myself forget he had feelings, or maybe I never even thought he had them. Maybe I just never saw it because he never had them for me.