Disclaimer: Don't own it. Didn't ask permission. Don't sue.
Note: I actually do like Yugioh…but parts of it are really REALLY stupid. Therefore, universal character-bashing and parody ensues.
YUGIOH IN SHORT: DUELIST KINGDOM
Yugi: Hi! I'm the main character of the show, despite being an incredibly nerdy midget dweeb. In fact, I get beat up quite a bit, despite the fact I could kill people with my hair.
Joey: Hi! I'm Yugi's best friend, despite the fact that I used to beat the crap out of him and threw his favorite things out the window. Mostly I follow him around for character development and filling the usual sidekick role.
Tristan and Tea: Hi! We're the otherwise useless cheerleaders!
Kaiba: I hire people to say hello. I'm young, I'm rich, I'm mean, and my hair looks like a triangle. Hey, could be worse; it could look like Yugi's. Hey, cool card!
Yugi's Grandpa: No sirree sonny! This Blue Eyes White Dragon card means a lot to me for some nauseating reason. I refuse your rich offer even though I clearly need the money. Nyah!
Kaiba: Aww, screw you pops. I'll just invite you up to my rich conglomerate tower for a friendly game—not! Hah, take that! I rip your incredibly rare card that I just expended lots of time to obtain just to send you to the hospital. Oh, feel the evil vibes…
Yugi: Kaiba, you scum! I challenge you to a duel, even though you seem much much better at this game than me! But I have a secret weapon! TRANSFORMATION THAT TAKES UP SCREEN TIME!
Yami: Hi, I'm the new and improved Yugi. I grow taller, my clothes get better, and I'm pretty darn good looking too. I even sound different even though I still think in nerdy Yugi's voice. What's up with that?
Kaiba: Hey, shut up while I'm piling up insurmountable odds and shouting derogatory things at you.
Yami: Crap! And all I have are things stupid useless magic cards—
Grandpa: I astral project myself to give my grandson cryptic advice. Of course I can't just tell him what to do, where's the fun in that?
Yami: I experience a flash of understanding! And a sappy little flashback involving hand graffiti (thanks Tea, this will take forever to wash off). Go incredibly cool Exodia monster that we shall never see again! Take that Kaiba!
Kaiba: No! You just symbolically smash all my ambitions, thereby setting up the grudge and psychological problems that will plague me the rest of the series! Thanks a lot, man.
Yami: WEIRD RANDOM PSYCHIC ATTACK THAT HAS NO MEANING TO THE AMERICAN AUDIENCE WHAT SO EVER! Aww, nuts, it had just been Kaiba's evil side all this time. Wait, isn't he mean naturally?
Kaiba: Hah. I'm too cool for you to kill off, shrimp.
Maximillian Pegasus: HAHAHAHA! Bow before me, masses, and worship my incredible dandiness!
Yugi: Hey, you freak, give me my grandpa back!
Pegasus: Now now, Yugi boy, don't you recognize a plot device when you see one?
Yugi: You could have just invited me to your stupid island. There was no need for this whole evil soul-sucking videotape crap.
Pegasus: But my dear boy, I am the VILLAIN. We always do completely inane yet evil things. Besides, I get you out of school, don't I?
Joey: Wait! Yugi! You can't go off on some cruise without me—I mean, I'm here to help you buddy!
Weevil Underwood and Rex Raptor: Enter the weird little dueling midgets!
Weevil: Oh, Yugi, I'm your biggest fan, can I see your precious irreplaceable Exodia cards?
Yugi: Of course you can, we little shrimps with weird haircuts must stay together.
Weevil: Oh thanks—whoops! There they go over the side! Musta slipped or something…
Yugi: Oh no! Joey, fetch!
Joey: Woof!
Mai Valentine: Hello, I'm the fan service, and the only competent female duelist. Why's that guy in the water? …Wait, it's that Joey kid. Never mind.
On the Island
Yugi: Ah, yes, here is a whole bunch of pathetic twerps ready to feel my wrath…I mean, eheh, let us all join together in gaming harmony!
Téa: Hey, isn't that Bakura?
Joey: Nah, couldn't be. Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Tristan and Téa: Cutting class—I mean, cheering you guys on! Whoohoo! It's an anime, parents and school don't matter that much.
Weevil: Hello Yugi, remember me?
Yugi: Of course I do, ya meanie with the horrible fashion sense!
Weevil: Look who's talking, mini-punk. Duel me!
Rex Raptor: And me!
The Weird Dueling Twins: And us!
Bandit Keith, Panick, and a bunch of other weirdly dressed freaks: And me!
Yugi: Hey, guys, wait your turn. Besides, the contract states that the main character must always wander around the place aimlessly first to use up screen time. Go back and hide until we need you.
Everyone: Aww…
{Everyone leaves. About fifty gazillion episodes later…}
Joey: Geez, friendly competition my ass. What is it about this game that makes everyone go psycho?
Tea: What does that say about you?
Joey: Unlike them, I have a weird pseudo Brooklyn accent, and that "Heart of the Cards" thing. What is that anyway, Yugi?
Yugi: A cleverly hidden Deus Ex-Machina that we can use whenever we're really, really in trouble—or the scriptwriters can't think of anything better. Plus it's all nice and inspirational so we sound goody-goody when we say it. Hey, look, it's Pegasus's castle.
Tea: Wait, Yugi!
Yugi: Huh?
Tea: Up till now I haven't noticed how suddenly you get all hot-looking with a sexy deep voice during a duel. I'm suddenly getting the feeling that you're really two different people—which would be cool, because I'm obviously getting a kind of crush on the hot Yugi guy while the actual Yugi's still a wimpy yet endearing dweeb.
Yugi: No speaka da English.
Tea: What?
Yugi: Aw, must be just indigestion from breakfast this morning… Did we have breakfast this morning? Do we eat at ALL during this series? Is that why we are all geometrically anorexic?
Kaiba: Yugi! We must duel!
Yugi: Huh? Who? What? Why?
Kaiba: Because that stupid pansy Pegasus took my little brother and tried to steal my company. This is a kid's show, I can't just kill him and be done with it. Therefore, you must duel me.
Yugi: Eh, no thanks. Already beat you once, loser.
Kaiba: (whining) Yugiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, you haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave to duelllllllllllllllllllll meeeeeeeeeeeeee—or else Pegasus won't give your grandpa back and the show scriptwriters will come after you. And I'll tell everyone your hairstyling secrets.
Yugi: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not my hair styling secrets!
Kaiba: Well?
Yugi: Oooh, Yami's so going to kick your butt.
(They troop up to the top of the tower. Dueling ensues)
Kaiba: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Fear my so awesomely cool mutant lizard combination!
Yami: (saying for the umpteenth time) Wow, I've never seen Kaiba duel so methodically before…wait, don't good duelists always duel methodically? It's not like we can just randomly grab cards out of our decks…except Joey.
Joey: (sneezes) Eh? What's that you say?
Kaiba: (still laughing) AHAHAHAHA! There's no way you can beat me now! Not when I have this lean, mean, three-headed blasting machine in front of me!
Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon: Ow. Glub…
Kaiba: Huh? (looks at arrow sticking out of his rapidly decomposing monster) Hey!
Yami: Who's laughing now?
Kaiba: Grr…alright, plan B! (stands on the edge of the tower)
Yami: What? Cheater!
Kaiba: I run a multinational corporation. Of course I cheat. Nyah Nyah! You can't beat me without knocking me off!
Tristan and Joey: (chanting) Knock him off, knock him off…
Yami: You asked for it!
Yugi: No! (attack stops)
Yami: (cursing) Stupid noble tendencies…
(Kaiba sticks out his tongue)
Kaiba vs. Pegasus
Kaiba: Alright you orange-suited pansy! Yer goin' down!
Pegasus: Aww, Kaiba-boy, I'm beginning to think you don't like me!
Kaiba: (twitch) Shut up and let's duel!
Yami: Wait Kaiba! You need to know—
Kaiba: Can it, shrimp! I don't need your help! (is promptly massacred by Pegasus's creepy Toons) Oh crap.
Pegasus: BWAHAHAHAHA! How do you like them apples? (stuffs Kaiba's soul into a card) Dang, its small. So who's up next? I'm waiiiiiting…
Yami: You evil, dandified freak! I am so going to get righteous on your candy-ass.
Pegasus: (sticks out his tongue and cheats again)
Yami: Damn! How am I supposed to beat this freak? Yugi? Got any ideas? Wait, that's it!
Pegasus: Huh? Why isn't my oh so mystical eye thingie working? Wait, there are two Yugis? Dude, you have some serious schizo problems…
Yugi: Shut up you meanie! You get 'im, other me!
Yami: Hmm…I really have no idea what Yugi put down, but I have faith. After all, the shrimp's gotta be good for something. Plus, you know, I'm the hero, you're the villain, we all know how this is going to go down even thought it might take a bajillion episodes and—huh? What happened to the lights?
Pegasus: Aww, is wittle ole Yugi afraid of the dark? Fear my pulsating purple bubble of doom!
Yugi: And so begins the sickening mentions of the Shadow Realm. Though, really, what the heck is it? The Creators are too busy to actually explain…uh, major migraine coming on…
Pegasus: BWAHAHAHAHA! Your insipid little other half can't cope!
Yami: I always knew the dweeb was useless…but, since I apparently can't think for myself, I will place all my faith in the unknown card he put down. However, since I am the hero, this lame-o strategy actually works and therefore I can kick your pansy ass with my new rockin' monster. Sic, Black Luster Soldier!
Pegasus: NOOOOO!!!!!
Yami: Nyah nyah! I so rock!
In Pegasus's Tower
Pegasus. (sniffling) You're so mean! (drools at picture of pretty blonde girlfriend and expounds on angsty backstory in writer's last ditch effort to redeem in the dandy despite spending X amount of episodes ensuring we HATED the guy) It's not FAIR~!
Dark Bakura: BWAHAHAHAHA! I am so evil! BWAHAHAHAHA! (smirks evilly and steals Pegasus's Eye) BWAHAHAHAHA!
Yugi and Co: Dude, the dandy lived in a Tower? Was he compensating for something?
Joey and Tristan: (stare at Pegasus's dead girlfriend) Pretty…
Tea: (gives them a disgusted look)
Kaiba: No, I will not thank you, Yugi, even though you so totally saved my butt. And Mokuba's butt, who is quite possibly the only thing in this series that I love besides money, Mr. Pooky Bear and annoying Joey. I'm just mean like that. Farewell and off I go to buy more starch for my trenchcoats.
Everyone else: Wait…if Pegasus was the maniac who got us ONTO this stupid island, and said maniac is now physically defunct as well as mentally…HOW THE HECK DO WE GET HOME?