Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 3
EPISODE 12
Airdate: December 28, 2014
Title: Chuck E. Chocolate's
Segway Segment: 2014: A Year in Review (hosted by RK)
Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne, Duncan Brannan as Chuck E. (ending scene)
Satire/Social Commentary: None
SCENE 1
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Testicular Sound Express, the Masters of the Universe minus Anja, and Lynne are all in Jaylynn's living room sitting together at a large table.)
JAYLYNN: Guys, it's once again time for the greatest time of the year: Anja's birthday.
LYNNE: Just so you know, she's not going to kiss you if you do well.
JAYLYNN: Shut the (bleep) up, this is my time now. MY TIME! Wait a minute, who are you and why are you here?
LYNNE: I'm Anja's little sister, stupid.
JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, you. So anyway, it's really important that we know exactly what we're going to do for the party. We don't want a repeat of what happened last year.
RK: Jaylynn, we didn't know Anja last year.
LYNNE: Are you trying to stall because you don't know what you're doing or do you just not know what you're doing?
(long pause)
JAYLYNN: That's it, get out.
LYNNE: What?
JAYLYNN: Get out, you're pissing me off, you're giving me cancer, get out.
LYNNE: I'm not getting out.
JAYLYNN: GET OUT, YOU'RE GIVING ME (BLEEP)ING CANCER, GET OUT!
(At that moment, Lynne leaves the house)
JAYLYNN: Ugh. I can never think straight when she's here. Anyway, I really think we can make this special for Anja.
ASHLEY: Jaylynn, I don't think that was wise. We need Lynne, she knows everything Anja would want.
JAYLYNN: True, but I just hate having her around, she makes me sick.
RK: I get to be party planner. Dibs.
WADE: You can't call dibs on that kind of thing, it's a meticulous selection!
RK: You bet your ass I can, I don't see anyone else challenging me.
WADE: Well, maybe I want to be party planner.
RK: Maybe I want to!
WADE: It is I who will be planning Anja's shindig!
GILCANIA: Can I be party planner? I just want to make sure I'm doing something this week.
JAYLYNN: Will everybody shut up?! Unless you don't see my clipboard, I am the party planner.
BUSTER: I don't see it so I guess I'm planner!
(Jaylynn angrily stares at Buster, who stares to the side and starts whistling the theme song to Franklin)
HALLEY: Jaylynn, why do you get to be the party planner?
JAYLYNN: Because I'm Anja's best friend. Or at least I want to think so.
HALLEY: I think maybe Sparky should be planner. He's organized and patient and he'll help keep everything in order.
SPARKY: Thank you so much, love, but I think I'll let Jaylynn take this one.
JAYLYNN: Thanks Sparky.
ASHLEY: You know what we should do? We should try staying up all night long to try and figure out what we're gonna do, you know?
JAYLYNN: Ashley's right. Let's work at this all night until we get everything down pat.
SCENE 2
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
JAYLYNN: I can't believe the girls left.
BUSTER: They couldn't take the heat, I guess.
JAYLYNN: Ugh, I'm so tired, I feel like combing my eyes. Hey Wade, you think you could make me some instant coffee?
WADE: Jaylynn, don't you remember what happened the last time you drank coffee?
CUTAWAY GAG
(Jaylynn takes a couple sips of her cup of coffee while watching TV, but her eyes turn purple and she starts to shake. "Coffee Mug" by The Descendents starts playing as the camera zooms in on Jaylynn's purple eyes and she starts running around in a frenzy. She runs to Wade's house, hops around the living room then leaves without saying a word. At RK's house, it looks like Jaylynn is in the living room punching somebody. The camera pulls back to reveal a bored RK and KG staring at Jaylynn punching the flipped over coffee table. Back at her house, Jaylynn starts punching and kicking the air until she collapses without warning.)
END OF CUTAWAY
JAYLYNN: Point taken. Aw man, planning Anja's party is hard work. It wasn't like yours.
BUSTER: Guys, I just found the answer to our problems.
RK: Disney Channel is bringing back American Dragon: Jake Long?
BUSTER: No, you nostalgia freak. I found the hottest place to host Asil's birthday party.
SPARKY: Really, where?
BUSTER: Pizza Pete's Dancehall and Funhouse. It's like Chuck E. Cheese's but less mainstream so you know it's better. Check it out. It has square dancing, an indoor pool, and...TOKENS!
WADE: Sounds like a Chuck E. Cheese ripoff to me.
BUSTER: No, it's not. It's Chuck E. Cheese's for the future. You can tell because you say tokens with a hashtag in front of it.
SPARKY: Whoa, this place looks amazing!
WADE: Marvelous! I think I might take back what I said.
BUSTER: And the best part is, it's downtown AND family-owned so you never have to worry about it becoming popular.
JAYLYNN: I think Anja would love this place. Let's try and book it as soon as possible. I can't wait to see the look on Anja's face. Mmmmm, Anja's face. It's the face of an angel.
WADE: You're still in love with her, aren't you?
JAYLYNN: Kinda. I just hope she really likes the party.
SCENE 3
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Anja and Lynne are getting ready to go to sleep. Anja is fixing her hair in the mirror.)
LYNNE: You're not going to like the party.
ANJA: Why? I mean, I put you guys in charge because I know you're creative and you might do something cool, but I just want a small party. Nothing fancy.
LYNNE: That's the problem. Jaylynn's planning it. You know she's an idiot.
ANJA: Look, Lynne, I know you hate Jaylynn but she's my best friend and she's not an idiot. She means the world to me.
LYNNE: Well, you can get ready to watch her ruin your tenth birthday.
ANJA: That's not going to happen, you're being...wait, what's this on the floor?
LYNNE: A peanut.
ANJA: Why is there a peanut on the floor?
LYNNE: I was eating them today.
ANJA: I thought I said I don't like seeing peanuts on the floor.
LYNNE: Peanuts don't have to listen to you. The peanuts do what they want.
(long pause; Anja gives Lynne an angry stare)
LYNNE: You have the most beautiful complexion.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(Jaylynn is talking to Halley and Ashley near her locker)
HALLEY: Pizza Pete's?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I never ate there but Buster found it last night and it looks really great. I think Anja's going to like it once she sees it.
ASHLEY: Well, did you tell Anja what your plans are?
JAYLYNN: No, I was getting around to it.
ASHLEY: Jaylynn, Jaylynn, Jaylynn...
JAYLYNN: What? Don't use that disappointed tone with me.
ASHLEY: Sweetie, you have to think about the other person and what they want. Asil put us in charge so we could make suggestions, not change what she wants to do. I think she just wants a little party at her place.
JAYLYNN: How do you know that?
ASHLEY: She told me two days ago.
JAYLYNN: Well, I'm, like her main homie, so...I do the shit I want to do, ya feel me?
HALLEY: Jaylynn, just talk to Anja at poetry class today. If she goes for it, she goes for it. If she doesn't, she doesn't but you should at least listen to her.
JAYLYNN: I will, Halley. See, Ashley, I don't know why you never have good ideas.
ASHLEY: I do, you just never seem to notice them.
SCENE 5
Northgate Community Center
Interior Poetry Class
Seattle, Washington
(The class is working on poems when...)
JAYLYNN: Anja?
ANJA: Howdy, pardner.
JAYLYNN: What...what was that?
ANJA: I was doing a cowboy impression. You don't like it?
JAYLYNN: I actually really hate it. But on another note, I need your opinion on where we're going to have your birthday party.
ANJA: I thought it was going to be my place, like we agreed on.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but there's nothing wrong with a change of venue. What do you think about Pizza Pete's Dancehall and Funhouse?
ANJA: My cousin Jessica went there this summer. She had fun, but I think she said someone got stabbed near there. Or shot, or punched in the sack, I know he ended up in the hospital.
JAYLYNN: So how about it? Does it make you want to jizz in your pants?
ANJA: Ha, no. I was just hoping for something small at my place.
JAYLYNN: It's still something small, you're just doing it in a big place. Kinda like rappers before they start to suck. Think about it, what sounds cooler? A quiet dinner at home or an energetic dinner in front of strangers?
ANJA: Eh, I like the strangers part. OK, Jaylynn, I'll trust you on Pizza Pete's but please, I only turn ten once and I want to make sure I'm in control.
JAYLYNN: Of course you will. Oh man, it's time to collect poems and I haven't finished mine! I'll just say I put it in my mouth and it went down my throat.
(A picture is shown of RK smiling in front of a black screen)
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: You know what I learned this year?
WADE: What?
SPARKY: Your life gets crazier every year.
BUSTER: True that.
RK: Hmmm. The only thing I learned is that if you're not white and in front of a cop, good luck.
(long pause)
WADE: Heh?
(Jaylynn walks in at that very moment)
SPARKY: Sup, Jay?
JAYLYNN: Hey. I have good news. Anja's cool with going to Pizza Pete's.
BUSTER: Pizza Pete's? What is that? Sounds cool.
JAYLYNN: You know, like a restaurant and arcade for kids? The one you showed us yesterday?
(long pause)
BUSTER: You put what in my oatmeal?
(The camera does a close-up of Jaylynn's bored face)
BUSTER: Oh yeah, that place. I have bad news. The place is closed down.
RK: How is that possible? The place opened a year ago and it's been doing really well.
BUSTER: Well, it's closed down for the day of Anja's party. I think the owner pulled a muscle during sex and now he has to stay home for a bit.
WADE: So no assistant manager?
BUSTER: Wade, I told you there's no such thing as an equipment manager at a restaurant.
WADE: GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
SPARKY: So what do we do now? Find another place?
JAYLYNN: No, we're just going to have to have the party at Anja's house.
RK: Us? H-have the party at...Anja's house?
(A worried RK has a dream sequence at that moment in the style of Arthur. Everybody is wearing sweaters with stern expressions as they eat in the dining room. Buster looks ready to pass out, Halley looks ready to kill someone, and Sparky keeps looking all over the room like he's afraid of something.)
RK: Anja, could you pass the mashed potatoes?
ANJA: Sure.
(Anja passes RK the potatoes, and then there's awkward silence)
SPARKY: Did you guys hear about my upcoming Scandinavian conference?
(The dream sequence ends and RK gets the same reaction from the guys that you would expect.)
SPARKY: How do you think up these things? Is there a part in your head that writes all this unique crap at will?
RK: Probably.
WADE: Looks like Anja's celebration of her continuing journey into womanhood has hit a serious snag.
JAYLYNN: Maybe not. What if we just found another place?
BUSTER: But Anja wanted the party at her place originally so let's just go there.
JAYLYNN: I don't know, I feel like RK was onto something with that weirdo dream thing. We have to find a place that we know is cool and makes Anja cozy.
SPARKY: What about Ike's?
JAYLYNN: Nah, it just doesn't seem like the kinda place Anja would want. Besides, it would probably get too crowded with all those annoying snot-nosed little kids speaking in complete sentences and making references to things they shouldn't even know.
(The boys all stare at Jaylynn.)
JAYLYNN: I was talking about the girls. Just the girls.
RK: I think I might know a place. It's risky, but it could work.
BUSTER: I don't like the sound of that.
RK: Why, because of how I'm saying it or because it's me saying it?
BUSTER: Yes.
RK: You guys shouldn't doubt me this time, the White Mamba has things under control. Call up the Masters of the Universe and we'll check the place out together.
JAYLYNN: OK, sure.
RK: Oh yeah, by the way, Jaylynn, you really need to change your group name, it's getting kinda corny.
JAYLYNN: I tried to call it the Apathy Coalition, but no, they don't know what that means.
WADE: I know what it means.
SPARKY: Me too.
JAYLYNN: See, this is why you guys get all the plots.
SCENE 7
Chuck E. Chocolate's
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
(Two cars pull up to the low-class, high-maintenance, adult-themed restaurant Chuck E. Chocolate's. Testicular Sound Express in one car, the Masters in another. Jaylynn is driving the Masters' car. As the kids step out, they see that the restaurant shares some similarities with a prison.)
ASHLEY: Oh God. RK, this is the place you suggested?
RK: What, you think it's wack?
ASHLEY: I didn't say anything.
RK: It looks crappy when you're outside, but when you're inside, it's cool. Follow the White Mamba inside.
WADE: FOR THE LAST TIME, NOBODY HAS EVER CALLED YOU THAT IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!
RK: Kid, step off, you need Jesus.
(When the kids walk inside the restaurant, they hear "I Just Wanna Love U (Give It 2 Me)" by Jay-Z featuring Pharrell. There are a few couples having sex under empty tables, the women handling food barely have any clothes on, and when taking orders, a male employee is smoking a joint. There's also a large Chuck E. mascot walking around grinding on the bodies of customers. Everybody is shocked, but not out of being impressed. RK looks pleased.)
BUSTER: This must be what Nick Jr. thinks a strip club is.
(Halley chuckles)
HALLEY: Kid just put Nick Jr. and a strip club together.
JAYLYNN: RK, are you out of your mind? We can't use this place! It's for adults and it's gross and smelly and perverted and that Chuck E. mascot is creeping me out.
CHUCK E.: Oh yeah? You'll be creeped out even more once I get under your skin...in more ways than one.
RK: Yeah, you need to watch what you say around it, about 85% of his speech is just double entendres.
SPARKY: RK, how did you find this place and why in the world would you want us to use it?
RK: Well, three years ago, the same people that owned Chuck E. Cheese's wanted to make the same thing but for adults. So they decided to make the kind of place an adult would want.
SPARKY: Yeah, but this is supposed to be a restaurant, not a dive bar.
RK: Hey, it makes money. Say what you want, but this place made over $30 million last year.
BUSTER: It's kinda weird how we're just now finding out about all these places.
GILCANIA: There's a guy smoking crack near the TV.
RK: Oh yeah, that's Steve. I like calling him Rob Base. Get it?
ASHLEY: It's not that funny.
JAYLYNN: RK, how are we supposed to book this place for Asil's party?
RK: Look, I'm a regular here, I'll just talk to Greggy and he'll see what he can do. Don't worry, this is all going to work out.
WADE: How are you a regular customer when you're a child?
RK: They admit kids, they just don't like seeing too many because it ruins the sex. But you're my posse so it's cool.
SCENE 8
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Jaylynn is singing "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne while walking outside her house with a top hat, a black scarf and glasses. She hears the bell ring and goes to get it. It's Anja.)
JAYLYNN: Hey Anja.
ANJA: Um, hey, Jaylynn...what is that?
JAYLYNN: I thought I looked cute, what's up?
ANJA: Nothing much. I just wanted to talk about my birthday.
JAYLYNN: Your birthday? Oh yeah, your birthday's going to be so amazing, it'll knock Kanye West's song right off the charts.
ANJA: Wasn't that song on one of his older albums?
JAYLYNN: Don't ruin my joke.
ANJA: I just wanted to make sure you guys are still planning a small party like I asked you to.
JAYLYNN: Maybe we are...or maybe not.
ANJA: What are you talking about?
JAYLYNN: You're kinda hot when your voice drops like that. Yeah, we might have switched venues again.
ANJA: Again? Jaylynn, it's just my tenth birthday, I don't need you guys giving me the five-star experience.
JAYLYNN: You're Anja and you're my best friend so you deserve the five-star treatment.
ANJA: Awwwwww, thanks Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: No problem.
ANJA: But do you mind taking off the glasses?
JAYLYNN: Why? You're blinded by how good I look?
ANJA: No, you're just cross-eyed whenever you stare at me.
JAYLYNN: Eh, you're worrying about nothing. (short pause) Hey, where did she go?
SCENE 9
Chuck E. Chocolate's
Interior Dining Area
Seattle, Washington
GREGGY: So you want your little friend's party to be here?
RK: Yes.
GREGGY: Are you insane?
RK: No, I'm half-sociopath, but I don't see what that has to do with this.
GREGGY: Look, RK, you're a cool dude but Chuck E. Chocolate's is for adults. I can't have all these ankle-biters coming in here and cramping the style. Think about the sex.
RK: I know, the sex won't be as hot, but Greg, that's why you close down the place for us. Nobody's going to come here if they see this train wreck.
GREGGY: This train wreck is my livelihood, and why risk a day off of potential service for your party?
RK: Because I'm...threatening to murder you?
GREGGY: Look, RK, no sale, OK? You need to find another place. There isn't anywhere else you can go?
RK: No, I need something small and private. And this place has a lot of space for that. I mean, what do you want me to do, charge kids to show up?
(Greggy gives RK a smug look.)
RK: Oh no, I'm not doing that! I'm not a prostitute, you can't just toss me around the bed whichever way you want.
GREGGY: You knew we call our female employees prostitutes?
RK: I thought you called them whores.
GREGGY: No, prostitute is classier. Remember that.
RK: Oh, OK. Look, Greg, I don't know. I need to talk to my friends but I don't think they'll be on board.
SCENE 10
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
JAYLYNN: I don't have a problem with that.
RK: But we're going to be paying for the place when we could be going somewhere else for free. And to be honest, I don't know why I'm going to so much trouble for someone I hate.
HALLEY: You know, you never told me why you hate Anja.
RK: I don't know, she just annoys me.
ASHLEY: Then you shouldn't say hate because that's a stronger word and implies something you don't think, you know?
GILCANIA: Boo-boo, the way I see it, I always thought it made more sense for you to hate Ashley.
ASHLEY: Why?!
GILCANIA: I'm just saying, for him, it makes sense.
RK: Oh yeah, you're right, Gilcy. But anyway, Jaylynn, we can just have the party at Anja's house. You know, like she wanted.
JAYLYNN: No, we should put up the money and just have it at that place.
WADE: Why? You didn't want to have it there either.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but Anja deserves the best.
ASHLEY: Jaylynn, Anja doesn't want something flashy. She's told you that before.
HALLEY: Yeah, dude, what the hell?
JAYLYNN: Look, she doesn't care about where we have it as long as it's small.
RK: But we're going to have to invite more people to get enough money for Greggy.
JAYLYNN: We could do that.
HALLEY: Look, Jaylynn, you could do what you want but I'm out. I'll call you later, Sparky.
ASHLEY: Me too. It's Anja's birthday, not yours.
(Halley and Ashley leave the house at that point, and Gilcania slowly walks away as well)
JAYLYNN: Gilcy, what are you doing?
GILCANIA: I dropped my glasses on your welcome mat. Isn't that funny?
JAYLYNN: You don't wear glasses.
GILCANIA: Then I dropped your bra.
JAYLYNN: Why would you have my bra?
GILCANIA: Look, honey, I'm just going to go because I don't want to get involved in this shit too, OK? Tell me how it goes.
(Gilcania nervously leaves the house and sighs in relief)
SPARKY: So we're actually going to do this?
JAYLYNN: Right. For Anja.
(The Big Time Rush theme song plays in the background as the boys all stare at each other uneasily)
SEGWAY SEGMENT
(A red curtain pulls back to reveal a large screen in an auditorium with absolutely no audience. RK comes out with a tuxedo and slicked-back hair.)
RK: Wow, where are all the people? Oh yeah, I didn't invite anyone. You know, one thing 2014 managed to do was piss us off even more than 2013 did. But you know what else 2014 gave us? Moments. Moments that will live on forever in our hearts, in our minds, in our mouths. Why do I say that? Because 2014 was one very interesting year. Why don't we take a look at all of the moments 2014 gave us? (RK presses a big red button on his remote that turns on the TV. The camera zooms in on the TV and it then fades out.)
("Monster" by Imagine Dragons playing in the background)
2014: A YEAR IN REVIEW
-Batista returns to WWE after a four-year hiatus, wins 30-man Royal Rumble Match
-Daniel Bryan beats Triple H in the opening match at WrestleMania XXX, wins WWE World Heavyweight Championship later in the night
-Seattle Seahawks defeat Denver Broncos 43-8 in Super Bowl XLVIII, win first-ever NFL championship in franchise history; Malcolm Smith wins Pete Rozelle Award for most valuable player
-2014 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees include Peter Gabriel, Hall & Oates, Kiss, and Nirvana
-Macklemore & Ryan Lewis win Best Rap Album (The Heist) at the 56th Grammy Awards, creating controversy in the hip-hop community after defeating Kendrick Lamar (good kid, m.A.A.d city)
-The Ultimate Warrior inducted into WWE Hall of Fame after several years of having an estranged relationship with the company, dies three days after his induction at age 54
-Grand jury in Ferguson, Missouri decides not to indict officer Darren Wilson for the shooting of 18-year-old Michael Brown on August 9
-Grand jury in Staten Island decides not to indict officer Daniel Pantaleo for the fatal choking of 43-year-old Eric Garner on July 17
-Robin Williams dies from suicide on August 11 at 63 years old
-Joan Rivers dies from cardiac arrest on September 4 at 81 years old
-Philip Seymour Hoffman dies from mixed drug intoxication on February 2 at 46 years old
-Maya Angelou dies at 86 years old on May 28 in Winston-Salem, North Carolina
-San Antonio Spurs win fifth NBA championship in franchise history, defeat Miami Heat four games to one in a rematch of the previous year's NBA Finals; Kawhi Leonard named Finals MVP
-Los Angeles Kings win second NHL championship in franchise history, defeat New York Rangers (making their first Finals appearance in exactly two decades, which they won) four games to one in the Stanley Cup Finals; Justin Williams named Finals MVP
-San Francisco Giants win eighth World Series in franchise history and third championship in five seasons (2010 against the Texas Rangers and 2012 against the Detroit Tigers), defeat Kansas City Royals (making their first Series appearance since 1985) in seven games; Madison Bumgarner named Series MVP
-Brock Lesnar ends The Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania, making the record 21-1; Lesnar goes on to defeat John Cena in the main event of SummerSlam and becomes the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion
-Derek Jeter ends illustrious 19-year baseball career, with the New York Yankees being the only team he ever played for
-"The Simpsons Guy," the long-awaited crossover between The Simpsons and Family Guy, airs on September 28 to 8.45 million people
-Dan Schneider, creator of successful live-action children's shows such as The Amanda Show, Drake & Josh, and iCarly, receives Lifetime Achievement Award at the Kids Choice Awards for his efforts in television
-Legendary rapper Nas releases Time is Illmatic documentary, which is meant to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of his debut album Illmatic (1994) and chronicle the events leading up to the album's release
-Professional wrestler CM Punk opens up about the implosion of his working relationship with WWE on an episode of Colt Cabana's Art of Wrestling podcast
-Sony Pictures makes controversial decision to pull the movie The Interview (starring James Franco and Seth Rogen) from theaters, later deciding to make the movie available for online rental and a limited theatrical release in select locations
-The Ebola virus disease reaches the United States, affecting ten people and killing two
RK: Oh yeah, right, that ISIS thing too. Hopefully, in 2015, we will see more memorable moments. Or maybe, even worse things will happen to tear down this country. Either way, it will be exciting. Peace out and enjoy the rest of the show!
SCENE 11
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Anja is watching TV when Halley and Ashley walk in)
ANJA: Hey, don't you guys knock?
ASHLEY: I thought we didn't have to do that.
HALLEY: She's got a point, you know.
ANJA: Oh yeah. What do you guys want?
ASHLEY: Jaylynn's ruining your party.
ANJA: Oh no, Lynne. What's she doing?
HALLEY: She's trying to have it at some adult restaurant and invite kids to pay for it.
ANJA: What?! Why would she do that, I told her I wanted a small party!
ASHLEY: Well, I don't know. You need to talk to her.
ANJA: Yeah, I will. This is getting ridiculous.
HALLEY: You know what's ridiculous? When people catch me slipping and I don't want them to. Like, look somewhere else. Shit.
ASHLEY: Halley, what are you talking about?
HALLEY: Wait, what, I was on my phone, I don't know what you just said.
SCENE 12
Chuck E. Chocolate's
Interior Dining Area
Seattle, Washington
BUSTER: This is going to be the worst party ever. And it's all because of Jaylynn.
(The camera pulls back to reveal Jaylynn staring at Buster)
JAYLYNN: Buster, you're saying all of that to me.
BUSTER: Why do you think I was staring at you when I said it? This is terrible. This is a little Muslim girl's birthday, not a field trip to Chippendales.
SPARKY: So should we keep the red wine air freshener or is that something we're going to get rid of?
SCENE 13
Chuck E. Chocolate's
Interior Dining Area
Seattle, Washington
RK: OK, so you know how the Super Bowl and WrestleMania are in stadiums?
WADE: Affirmative.
RK: Well, this is basically the same thing, but like...ghetto.
WADE: Has this place even had commercials?
RK: A couple, but they were pulled off the air when one guy flashed his Crunch bar on camera.
SCENE 14
Chuck E. Chocolate's
Interior Dining Area
Seattle, Washington
(The restaurant looks less like a dive bar and more like a kid's birthday party. The tables have been buffed and shined to the smallest inch, the stage has also been cleaned, and the actual bar itself has been stocked with juice and soda instead of alcohol. Water and milk also take up the bottom section. There are two flags of Palestine on the walls, since Anja is from there.)
BUSTER: Wow, this joint actually doesn't look like a disgrace.
RK: Hey, I'm offended! The atmosphere is creepy, but they have bomb-ass food. Arroz con pollo with nacho cheese? Perfecto.
SPARKY: Hey, what about entertainment? I mean, I'm pretty sure Anja wants to dance.
JAYLYNN: Trust me, Anja can't dance. It's like watching a dog with a prosthetic leg try to crawl.
(Anja walks in at that very moment, steamed. Wade instantly recognizes Anja's expression.)
WADE: Here comes karma.
JAYLYNN: Hey Anja. You look pissed, did you step on an iPad charger?
ANJA: Jaylynn, what the hell is going on?!
JAYLYNN: We're just setting up for the big birthday party. We were originally going to charge kids admission, but we just gave the owner the money up front. Aren't you excited?
ANJA: No. Jaylynn, I told you that I didn't want a big, flashy party. Look, I know you still have feelings for me and you think I'm really special, but I don't need the five-star treatment.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but still, we did all this for you.
BUSTER: She did, mostly.
ANJA: I get it, but still, you're not listening to me.
JAYLYNN: Anja, I...
ANJA: You're really pissing me off.
JAYLYNN: But Anja, we're doing all of this because...
ANJA: Jaylynn, stop it.
JAYLYNN: Anja...
ANJA: Please stop talking.
JAYLYNN: Look, I think you need to...
ANJA: STOP IT! Look, I know you want to do this for me, but stop putting me on a pedestal! It's about what the person wants that counts, not what you think they want. This isn't even my birthday anymore! It's becoming yours and that's pissing me off extremely!
JAYLYNN: Look, maybe we could just have...
ANJA: No, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY! I REALLY DON'T WANT TO YELL BUT I HAVE TO OR ELSE YOU WON'T GET IT! I'm going to throw the party I wanted at my house but if you want to come and ruin that too, nobody's stopping you.
(Anja storms out of the restaurant)
JAYLYNN: Anja, wait, we could work this out!
ANJA: LEAVE ME ALONE!
(Jaylynn looks disappointed, and walks back into Chuck E. Chocolate's)
SCENE 15
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Anja looks ready to hand out another tongue lashing as she does some homework at her desk. Lynne comes down the stairs.)
LYNNE: Hey.
ANJA: Hey.
LYNNE: You look a little tired, are you OK?
ANJA: Yeah, I'm fine. I yelled at Jaylynn.
LYNNE: Oh, really? I knew the bitch deserved it, what did she do?
ANJA: She's taken over my birthday. I tell her I want a small party, she does the opposite of that. You know, when you first told me what was going on, I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt but now I know letting her handle it was a stupid idea.
LYNNE: Hey, there were other cooks in that kitchen too, you know. I mean, as much as I can't stand Jaylynn, everybody else went along with it.
ANJA: Yeah, that's true. It's just she was the one that planned everything and made it happen. I don't know. I feel like I just stabbed her in the chest. I've never talked to her like that before.
LYNNE: So now, what are you gonna do?
ANJA: I don't know. I want to apologize, but at the same time, I want to make sure she comes nowhere near my party.
LYNNE: Do you really care about Jaylynn?
ANJA: Of course, she's my best friend. I mean, I've never met anyone like her before.
LYNNE: Do you think she's worth having around?
ANJA: If I said no, I would be a liar.
LYNNE: Well, you have your answer.
(Lynne goes to the kitchen)
ANJA: What are you trying to say?
LYNNE: Whatever you THINK I'm trying to say, big sis.
(Lynne gets an apple and goes back upstairs. Anja is somewhat confused at what her little sister was implying.)
ANJA: I don't get it, what is she freaking saying?! Oh yeah, I'm stupid.
SCENE 16
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Jaylynn is nowhere to be found while Buster, RK, and Wade watch TV. Sparky is on the phone pacing behind the couch.)
SPARKY: Are you sure you can't make an exception? I mean, it's for our friend's party. She's turning ten, the big 1-0, single bagel, double digits. Pretty soon, she's going to be hanging out with the junior high kids. OK, fine, thanks anyway. No, I'm not Alex Mack! (Sparky hangs up) She's not even real!
RK: Who were you on the phone with?
SPARKY: You know that underground band Jaylynn wanted to play at Anja's party?
BUSTER: We Eat Your Father?
SPARKY: Yeah. Apparently, they have a gig in San Diego that day. I couldn't even guilt trip them.
WADE: Isn't We Eat Your Father a hardcore punk band?
SPARKY: Yeah, Anja doesn't even like rock. The most she's ever heard of Ozzy Osborne is the Rock of Love Charm School show.
RK: My God, Jaylynn really messed up this time.
WADE: Hey, cut the kid some slack, at least she tried to help Anja. Not many friends put in that much legwork.
RK: Yeah, but we all know some of it is motivated by romance. And did you hear how high Anja's voice got? Jaylynn has never done anything to deserve that before. Just glad it was her and not me. Because if it was me, Anja would be in a two-month coma.
BUSTER: Seriously, why do you hate Anja and not Ashley?
SPARKY: Guys, I'm kinda worried about Jaylynn. She might not even get invited to Anja's birthday.
WADE: How? We're organizing it.
SPARKY: Well, Halley told me Anja's having her own party and only certain people are invited. Remember, we all got one after Jaylynn left Chuck E. Chocolate's?
BUSTER: Oh yeah. But I don't want to go if Jaylynn's not there. It'll give me a rash.
RK: Yeah, and we already paid Greggy to use Chuck E. Chocolate's for a private party. Screw that, I'm making sure we get our money's worth.
WADE: You really want to host a birthday party without the birthday girl or the Masters of the Universe? Why not just have a 90s Chicago Bulls game without MJ?
RK: There WERE 90s Bulls games without MJ.
WADE: You get the reference!
BUSTER: Maybe we can get some of the kids from school to come.
SPARKY: I don't know. This whole thing seems really messed up. But, um, maybe we SHOULD still have a party.
WADE: Let's just ask Jaylynn to see what she wants to do.
SCENE 17
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
JAYLYNN: You guys really want to still have a party without Anja?
RK: Yeah, because we already paid to use Chuck E. Chocolate's, so why lose money?
SPARKY: However, We Eat Your Father has a gig in a couple days so no go for an appearance at the restaurant.
JAYLYNN: Eh, it doesn't matter anymore. I feel like I screwed up really bad. Anja must hate me right now.
BUSTER: Ah, Jaylynn, don't be so hard on yourself. You tried planning your best friend's birthday and you got carried away. It happens to all of us. Remember that time I planned your eighth surprise birthday party, Sparks?
SPARKY: Yeah, you had it at this enormous hotel and I barely knew half the guests.
JAYLYNN: How old were the kids?
SPARKY: There was a lot of Trojan and dents in the rooms, let's just leave it at that.
JAYLYNN: You know, I feel like I wasn't really doing it for Anja. I was doing it for me. I was trying to plan my ideal birthday party and I got swept up in all the excitement.
RK: Kinda like that Who's the Boss? episode where Angela went supernova trying to help Sam with her prom night.
JAYLYNN: I never saw that episode, but I'll take your word for it. Seriously though, what kind of party would we have?
WADE: It's a bunch of children partying. I hardly think there are any guidelines to that.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, you're right. Awww, you guys are the best.
BUSTER: Wait a minute, I just realized something.
SPARKY: What?
BUSTER: Jaylynn, what are you going to do the next time you see Anja?
JAYLYNN: Apologize for being a crazy bitch?
RK: OR you could just shoot her in the face, move to Cincinnati and change your name to Lakeisha Johnson.
(The other guys give RK annoyed looks)
RK: Hey, I'm thinking outside the box. That's kinda my shtick!
SCENE 18
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
PARTY DAY
(There are green, yellow, and pink balloons all over as Anja greets Halley at the door. Ashley and Gilcania have already arrived, along with Sanna and Gilcania's best friend Yomaris. Lynne is serving punch to Sanna and making small talk.)
LYNNE: So Sanna, you enjoying yourself at iCarly again?
SANNA: Um, yeah, kinda. Have to keep up those low grades. But the third graders are so freaking cool, you would love them.
LYNNE: Nah, I have to stay with Anja. We've done everything together. Ride the same bike, eat from the same plate, wear the same bras...
(Sanna gives Lynne a disturbed stare)
LYNNE: I'm kidding. I can be funny too, you know.
SANNA: Oh, OK.
(Sanna walks away at that moment)
LYNNE: Take the same shower.
(Sanna is frozen and slowly turns her head back at Lynne, who flashes her a cheesy smile)
HALLEY: Anja, don't you think someone's missing?
ANJA: Hey, Sparky's your sweetheart, not mine, I can't force him to come or not.
HALLEY: No, not him, Jaylynn. They're still trying to host a party at Chuck E. Chocolate's.
ANJA: Why? They know I'm not coming.
HALLEY: They just invited a bunch of random kids, because apparently, they can't lose the money they spent on that place.
ANJA: Really? Well, I don't know what to do.
HALLEY: Talk to Jaylynn, get her and the guys to come here. Shit's getting kinda regular in this house.
ANJA: I'm scared. I mean, I chewed her out a couple days ago, I can't just face her.
HALLEY: Yes, you can. Whenever there's a hard homework assignment, what do you do?
ANJA: I just do it.
HALLEY: Exactly. Whenever your volleyball team is trailing, what do you do?
ANJA: I just play the game.
HALLEY: Right. And what are you going to do now?
ANJA: Talk to Jaylynn.
HALLEY: That's right. Now go, damn you!
YOMARIS: Anja, why is your sister telling a bunch of sex jokes?
ANJA: She's usually pretty unfriendly, so that's just her way of "breaking the ice." Has she made fun of you yet?
YOMARIS: No.
ANJA: Good, that means she likes you.
SCENE 19
Chuck E. Chocolate's
Interior Dining Area
Seattle, Washington
(Testicular Sound Express is in street clothes for the party, waiting for the guests to arrive. RK is noticeably wearing a pink top hat.)
RK: Man, I wish Anna could see me, I look freaking HOT.
SPARKY: I don't get it. Where are the kids? When you mention the word "party" to someone in elementary school, that's supposed to get a reaction!
JAYLYNN: Maybe they're not coming. Oh man, I'm just a big failure!
WADE: Hey, can the quitter talk right now, you are NOT a failure. Hey, where's Buster?
(At that moment, Buster comes through the back entrance with a young-looking white guy wearing a wife beater, multiple tattoos on his arms, blue jeans and a red mohawk)
BUSTER: Hey guys, meet Skinny Petey.
SKINNY PETEY: What's cracking, brah?
RK: Look, we already have enough Eminem wannabes so you can go down south with that nonsense.
SKINNY PETEY: What he say? I don't get it.
BUSTER: Eh, my friends are always shucking and jiving like that.
SPARKY: Buster, who is that?
BUSTER: Well, since We Eat Your Father went all Brock Lesnar on us, I found their replacement.
JAYLYNN: Let me guess. He raps?
BUSTER: Actually, he's not that bad. Come on, Pete, kick some rhymes, show 'em whatcha got.
SKINNY PETEY: Alright, check it out, I'm about to spit some bars you ain't even heard of before. 1, 2, 3, like this. I'm a funky MC, in the place to be. Sometimes, I DRINK MY OWN PEE! Exploded mad toilets, then I up and sold it, eat mean crackers like they're saltine, SOILING IT! Uh, M. Shinoda!
BUSTER: See, that last part was something called...satire.
JAYLYNN: Petey, go away.
SKINNY PETEY: Great, now I have to tell my mom I got dissed. She'll beat my ass with a switchblade, brah.
(Skinny Petey walks out of Chuck E. Chocolate's disappointed)
JAYLYNN: OK, now back to things that matter: I am a failure!
(Anja comes in at that very moment)
JAYLYNN: ANJA! I mean, um...(clears throat) Oh, look, it's little Anja. What are you doing here?
ANJA: I wanted to say I'm sorry for being a bitch.
JAYLYNN: Oh, you do? Last time I checked, I was the one apologizing but you didn't want to hear it so...bye.
RK: Jaylynn...
JAYLYNN: Look, I know I really screwed up. I just wanted you to have the best party ever, but I guess I made it more about me and less about you.
ANJA: Yeah, that would explain why you booked a band called We Eat Your Father to play for me.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, here's the thing. I've never really had a super-cool birthday before so now that your tenth one is here, I wanted to take the opportunity to have the party I never got to.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, when you turn eleven, we're going to be there for you.
BUSTER: Yeah, you don't have to ruin someone else's day. We'll let you ruin your own.
WADE: I think what Captain Smartass is trying to say is that we're going to give you the gold standard of celebrations when it comes. Just be patient.
ANJA: Yeah, and I never should have shouted at you like that. I was just so pissed off that it was you who was responsible for this. I felt a little screwed over.
JAYLYNN: Hey, you had every right to do that. If you hadn't, I wouldn't have finally put my birthday drama behind me.
ANJA: Pals again?
JAYLYNN: You don't have to ask.
(The two girls hug, and Jaylynn starts making out with Anja, who actually doesn't resist it. A flash of white light is shown as Jaylynn realizes it was just a daydream.)
JAYLYNN: Wow, that was crazy.
ANJA: What was?
JAYLYNN: Nothing at all.
ANJA: Hey, you guys want to come to my party?
SPARKY, RK, WADE, AND JAYLYNN: Yeah, sure.
BUSTER: But what about Chuck E. Chocolate's and the money we're going to lose? We're just supposed to forget that?!
JAYLYNN: Yeah, who cares anymore, it's Anja's tenth birthday party!
BUSTER: OK, fine, you guys can go, but I'm inny. I'm staying put.
ANJA: Well, suit yourself. Come on, guys!
(The other five leave full of excitement while Buster keeps his arms folded and eyes closed)
BUSTER: Cannot...fight...urge to party. (BLEEP) IT, I'M OUTY!
(Buster runs out of Chuck E. Chocolate's.)
SCENE 20
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
("Me and My Broken Heart" by Rixton playing in the background as the kids dance and have small talk. Buster is entertaining Ashley and Sanna by chugging bottles of soda.)
ASHLEY AND SANNA: GO BUSTER! GO BUSTER! GO BUSTER! GO BUSTER!
WADE: Yeah, go Buster! Guzzle carbonation! Swallow the artificial ingredients! Holla back now! Ingest the sodium and caramel color and sweeteners!
(Buster, Ashley, and Sanna all give Wade weird stares. Buster stares to the side briefly then back at Wade.)
WADE: I don't know what the problem is, I think it's catchy.
(Meanwhile, RK is mesmerized by the snack table)
(imitating Homer Simpson) RK: Mmmmm, white chocolate pretzels.
ANJA: RK?
RK: DON'T KILL ME, I'M NAKED! Oh, it's just you.
ANJA: I know you can't stand me.
RK: Oh yeah? What tipped you off?
ANJA: Jaylynn.
RK: Oh, of course.
ANJA: And I don't understand why because I thought we were friends.
RK: Well, you know, sometimes in life...wait, what? You thought we were already friends?
ANJA: Yeah, why wouldn't we be?
RK: Well, it's just that I thought you hated me so I thought, "Hey? Why not hate her too?"
ANJA: Who said I hated you?
RK: Jaylynn.
ANJA: Oh, of course. I mean, I thought you were kinda weird at first but no, you're cool.
RK: Really? Well, I guess we could start over.
ANJA: I guess so.
RK: Just one more thing: I actually really don't like Lynne, she scares me.
ANJA: Yeah, we usually don't get along with the same people.
SPARKY: Alright, everybody. It's time for a little dance contest if you're feeling it!
(The kids all start yelling in approval)
RK: AMERICANA, PAPITA!
WADE: Wait a minute. What instrumental are we using?
SPARKY: Well, it has to be something classic, something we all know. You know, unless you're not into that kind of thing.
HALLEY: I got you right now.
(Halley uses Anja's laptop in secret in the kitchen. Nobody knows what she's doing in there.)
BUSTER: Is she going to jerk?
JAYLYNN: Wouldn't put it past her.
("Shackles (Praise You)" by Mary Mary starts playing on Anja's laptop and the kids lose it the minute they hear it, especially RK and Jaylynn. Buster is the first to get down.)
ASHLEY: I actually don't know this song.
SANNA: Remember, they used to play it all the time in second grade.
ASHLEY: I thought they used that Yolanda Adams song.
SANNA: No, they used that song to torture us.
ASHLEY: Oh yeah, they did!
(Sparky starts breakdancing while Wade busts out Booker T's Spinaroonie. Pretty soon, Gilcania and Yomaris start bumping butts, and everybody is dancing. The camera cuts to a shot of the outside of the Saleh house, with the original Chuck E. mascot appearing in front of the camera.)
CHUCK E.: Thanks for tuning in tonight. This episode was funded in part by Chuck E. Chocolate's. Where an adult can prolong the inevitability that they'll fail their children.
(black screen)
(In Times Square, just days before New Year's Eve) TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Call Me D-Nice" by D-Nice playing in the end credits)
©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY NEW YEAR :)