He always saluted me whenever we met. He reminded me of a young boy, a kid, my son. He was so innocent, at the same time so brave and serious. When we left his planet, it hurt me to have to leave. I had to say goodbye to another son, though this time he was alive.

When we returned and he still remembered me, I can't describe how glad I was. I was so grateful he still remembered and cherished knowing us. When I stepped through the gate, all I could think of was how good he looked, how well and healthy. I took him in my arms and I held a lost son.

He wanted to return my lighter. To be honest, I was surprised he still had it, even more when Jackson told me the kid had kept it near all this time. Just that smile of gratitude and affection when I told him it had been a gift; it made me feel warm and lucky. I held him dear, like a friend.

The moment I heard they took him, it was like they had taken away my last hope. As if they had taken away my breath and I had nothing left. I swore I would save him, to myself and I would've sworn it to him if he was there that moment. I would not lose another cherished one.

With every mission, every waking hour, I had to wonder; where is he? When will I see him back, hold him in my arms again? How will it be to know he is finally home again, to know he's safe without having to rescue him? And every time we come through that gate, I look around in the desperate need to find him again.

And then we found him. I could have cried from the joy and relief I felt that moment. The feeling when I realized he was alive. When I realized he was finally within my grasp again. But it lasted for too just too short a time, when his eyes flashed and his angry voice commanded to be released.

I had no choice but shoot him, and he was able to come back even for just the smallest of moments. I thought he would tell us to save him, to tell is to make it stop, but he took the pain, how terrible it must have felt. He admitted feeling it, but knowing how we felt for him, he only asked for my forgiveness and nothing more. He asked me to forgive him, for what they were about to do. And then he was gone again, taken over by that monster.

They were about to overthrow our home, our planet, our earth. We would have had to watch, if it was up to them. I still feel the weapon in my hands, the force of impact in my arms. His face when he was shot is burned into my mind's eye. I killed him. I killed my last son, my friend, my cherished one. I killed my beloved.

And he dies here in my arms, with my name on his lips. His eyes speak of relief and forgiveness as I tell him I'm sorry. His eyes drift shut and his breathing gets shallow. I can hear the others move around, the heavy stride of Teal'c towards the force field. They are silent, until my friend suddenly speaks in that serious tone of his.

"Colonel O'Neill."

I stare at Skaara and somehow manage to mumble as a response. "Yeah, give me a second here." As I feel the pain and grieve rush through my body, I try to keep my mind clear. I did it again. Another son lost because of me. But Teal'c insists to pull me out of my misery. And as he keeps on staring towards the vision he has through the force field his voice drift towards my ears.

I look up to see what he means that he "cannot" and I feel my heart leap. There is our home in all its blue glory. There is our home, encircled by the moon. There is our home and it's about to be destroyed. I feel the heavy impact on my heart as one heavy burden is combined with this new one.

There is no time to grieve.

Even if I loved you.