A/N I didn't actually watch Asian F but I saw the Fix You scene and I felt so bad for Rachel when she was the only one without someone to celebrate with and that she couldn't even feel happy about getting the lead role which is why I wrote this. Hope you'll enjoy!

I wasn't supposed to feel like this. Numb. Empty. Nothingness. My eyes trailed over the words once more.

Rachel Berry - Maria

I had envisioned this moment so differently. Finn would be holding me in his arms as he spun me around, yelling that I got the role and that he was so proud of me. Kurt would be congratulating me from the side, ready to give a friendly hug when Finn finally set me back on my feet. My heart would be filled with unspeakable joy and I'd be smiling my thousand watt grin. This was supposed to be my moment. Yet, here I was, getting the role by default with none of the satisfaction of be awarded the role fair and square through my own audition. It felt so wrong.

I wasn't smiling, not even a hint of elation etched on my face. I was alone, Finn was gone, Kurt...were we even still friends? I hadn't meant to betray him. I certainly hadn't forseen his reaction to my running against him, furthermore, what was to say that I couldn't make a difference? With two gay dads, I knew more about the problems and difficulties he and other gay kids experienced, yet he was so sure that he was the only one who could improve their situation.

I let out a heavy sigh as I read the cast list once more and remembered the others when they had seen the results. Mike had Tina, Santana had Brittany, Blaine had Kurt and I had nobody. Truly it shouldn't have mattered, after all it was lonely at the top, I knew that, but I couldn't help the heaviness in my heart. Didn't I deserve it? The role? The joy? Maybe not, after all, I had been the one to push the others away but I couldn't help it. Everytime I seemed to be getting it right, I just messed it all up again.

Turning around, I lifted my head and our eyes met. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, to make things right between us. I didn't want to lose another friend. Yet, no words would come out as she fixed me with a cold stare and turned around, shaking her head.

I ran after her, hoping to catch her so we could talk but students seemed to push me around, slowing me down greatly. I saw her disappear into a room on the right and I immediately dodged through the crowd until I reached the doorway.

"Ms Corcoran, I heard you're setting up a new group. You're going to need star power so here I am." Mercedes' voice rang out and I felt my heart break. I felt...betrayed? It wasn't just that she was leaving New Directions after all we'd been through together, all the talk of winning Nationals as a team this year but that she was running to my mom, no, mother.

Rationally, I knew I shouldn't have felt that way. Shelby wasn't my mom, just my mother and I had no right to want anything from her but I couldn't help the jealousy I felt at the thought of Mercedes spending time, bonding and learning from my mother. The very things I had wanted and been denied.

I heard footsteps nearing the door and I ducked away from the entrance. It took a few stranger than usual stares for me to realize that I was crying. The loneliness and sadness I felt were overwhelming in that moment and I wanted to disappear, anything to be away from the prying eyes and hushed whispers. Lowering my head and wiping quickly at my eyes, I hurried in the direction of the bathroom, my only safehaven.

"What do you think she's crying about this time?"

"Maybe she finally realized what a freak she is."

"What a drama queen!"

A few cheerios were gossiping as I passed, they on the other hand, were talking loud enough for me to hear and I knew it was on purpose when one of them sneered at me. Being the school's verbal punching bag was not easy, but never before had I ever felt this sense of isolation so strongly. Sure there were times when I would look around at the people gathered in twos and threes and wonder why I was the only person with no one to hang out with. There were times I wondered if it was my personality, if there was just something so wrong with me that no one wanted to associate with me, if I was truly that detestable and unbearable. There were times I wished I knew how to change that part of myself.

I was suddenly pulled aside by a firm hand on my arm, saving me from a head on collision with a six foot wall of muscle in the form of a jock but I was too lost in my thoughts to notice.

"Hey Rach, what's up? You almost walked into Rodney! Rach? Rachel?" He said, waving a hand in front of my face as I stared off into space.

"Huh?"

"Rachel, what's wrong?" He asked, his tone changing from amused to concern as he took in the tears on my face. His brows furrowed and he gently pulled my chin upwards so that he could look into my eyes. "Didn't you get the part?" He questioned softly and gently.

"I-I don't deserve it." I stuttered out, choking on a sob.

"Don't deserve what?" Blaine whispered as he took me into his arms, rubbing my back soothingly as I cried into his shoulder, pouring out all my hurt and heartbreak in my tears. He held me firmly as my quiet sobs continued until they turned to sniffles.

"Maria. When Mercedes asked me to say that I was better than her, I couldn't do it. She should've gotten the part, not me." I answered through hiccups.

"What?" He questioned, his eyes widening in confusion.

"She won the diva-off, I know it. She was better, just admit it." I told him, tensing as I braced myself for the harsh truth that was to come. Everyone preferred Mercedes, I knew that without a doubt. It wasn't a secret that nobody liked Rachel Berry, obnoxious diva.

"That's not true, Rach. I was there, I watched you both perform and the way I see it, yes, she was good and we all know that but you performed the song with this vulnerability, you made that song personal. Sure she has a strong voice but I really felt something when I heard you sing and that's why you more than rightfully deserve the role. You're amazing, don't ever doubt that Rachel." I dared to sneak a glance at Blaine and was taken aback when I saw nothing but sincerity and outmost care in his dark eyes. I couldn't hold back the tears that threatened to spill over and they rolled down my cheeks. No one had ever made me feel so special, so deserving before, not even Finn.

"Hey, don't cry. You know, I'm actually honoured to act opposite you, Ms Rachel Berry, future Broadway star. One day when you're famous, you better not forget about me, your very first Tony." Blaine said, with a playful smirk as he wiped the tear tracks on my cheeks with his thumbs.

"I wouldn't dare!" I exclaimed dramatically, putting a hand on my chest. I couldn't believe how much his words and approval had comforted me. While there was still a heaviness weighing on my heart, it had lightened considerably with the knowledge that there was indeed someone supporting me, someone who was rooting for me.

"May I have the honour of escorting you to the choir room, milady?" Blaine asked, holding his arm out to me as I let out a watery giggle.

"I'd love that. Thank you, Blaine, really." I said sincerely as I hooked my arm with his. I flashed him a genuine smile and he grinned back, making my heart swell. For once, I wasn't alone, I truly had a friend. At least for now.

"Don't mention it, Rachel, you know I'll always be here for you."

I forced a smile as he squeezed my arm affectionately. I was tempted to tell him not to speak too soon, to make promises he wouldn't be able to keep, after all, it was only a matter of time before I screwed things up between us as well.

A/N Thanks for reading, please review! This is my first attempt at writing in first person so any constructive criticism is appreciated.