Colenapped
This is Whose story. No, wait, I know whose it is. Anyway, I didn't really liked the way the Cole story was involved. If you have seen the episode on November 5, 2007 than you would know what I'm talking about. This is just a humor/ parody version of it, cleaned up now thanks to a beta reader. Oh yeah I don't own any characters except for me. I am going to be a character in this. Hope you enjoy.
Chapter 1
Cole walked in from the elevator to his apartment. He walked in and grabbed his cell phone. He turned around and noticed the person in a death mask standing there behind the door, and dropped the phone on the couch.
"Hey what are you doing here?" said Cole.
Death pointed to the couch and Cole walked over to it and sat down.
"Dude Halloween is over and you're freaking me out." said Cole.
Death walked over to Cole and grabbed him and stood him up and pointed a water gun at him. Death back up and motioned Cole to follow.
"Hey umm are you holding me hostage with that water gun?" Cole asked.
Death looked at it whispered "Crap." A low noise, sounding like a fart, came from the bathroom. He put the water gun away and took out a real gun. Death motioned to Cole to follow him when a flushing sound came. Death thought it was the toilet, then realized it was Cole's cell phone's ring tone. "What kind of idiot...?"
""Oops, I downloaded the wrong sound," Cole said, very embarrassed.
Death went over to the phone and handed it to Cole. Cole took the phone and answered. "Hello?"
"Hey where are you?" Starr asked.
Cole, at gunpoint, knew he had to lie to Starr so he said, "Um I have this big history paper due tomorrow and my computer crashed and hopefully I didn't lose the paper."
Starr looked surprised. "Oh ok umm call me if you need anything." She said.
They both hung up, and Death motioned Cole to follow him. "But first, change that dumb ring tone." Cole did as he was told.
Meanwhile back in Wisconsin, PJ was watching this and said to himself, "I have to get there." So, when they showed Starr on the TV again he came up to the TV and crawled through it.
PJ was watching Starr from a distance to see what she would do next. He heard her say to herself, "He has a big paper to do and you do not want to disturb him."
PJ walked up to Starr. "I think that is a bad idea Starr"
Starr looked up at PJ and said "Who are you?"
"Never mind who I am. My name is not important."
"Okay, Not Important, now what are you doing here?" she asked, with a little insistence in her voice.
"No, I don't mean my name…never mind. Look, your boyfriend's computer didn't crash."
Starr looked at him strangely. "I don't know who you are, so just leave me alone."
"I can't do that; Cole could be in great danger."
"Surely, you can't be serious!" Starr declared, not believing PJ.
"I'm…" PJ starting laughing lowly, and Starr copied. "You know what's coming, huh, Starr?"
"I know, it's like a cliche now. It's as if every time someone says that, that line has to follow. It's probably all over the world."
"I think you're exaggerating a lot on that one," PJ told Starr.
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away, two light blue creatures with dark green speckles, four arms, and five eyes were having a discussion.
"Blxth brsxwo phglj," said the one. Translation – Surely you can't be serious.
"Jqxvv phglj; zrzz glblb ga blgxth," said the other. Translation – I'm very serious; and don't call me 'Shirley!'"
Back in Llanview, PJ sat by Starr. He said, "Listen, Starr," and looked right at her. "Now do you remember that dude that scared the crap outta you on Halloween with that death mask?"
Starr looked at him surprisingly. "How did you know about that?" she asked.
"I watch the show." She looked very confused, and uttered a small "oh" as PJ continued. "That guy with the mask kidnapped Cole!"
"What do you mean, he kidnapped Cole?" Starr asked the stranger.
"I mean like full out drugged him, knocked him out. That kind of kidnapping." PJ said.
"What? Sounds too much like a soap opera to me." Starr said. "That kind of thing doesn't really happen."
"Oh, and I suppose you think this is Masterpiece Theater?" PJ asked sarcastically.
Starr looked around and then shrugged. "I don't know, but lets get back to my boyfriend please." Starr said. "What else do you know?"
PJ leaned in and whispered to her.
Meanwhile Cole was struggling to wake up after being knocked out and drugged. "Where am I?" He asked.
Just then a girl with straight brown hair, blue eyes and a darker complexion came into view.
"Who are you?" Cole asked.
"Someone who is going to save you. Now shut up and listen," the girl said.
"First answer my question. Who are you and where did you come from? Did you drug me?" Cole asked shooting out as many questions as he possibly could.
The girl put her hands on her hips. "That's three!"
"Oh, well, counting has never been my best subject. I was close, though; I knew it was a number."
The girl looked oddly at him. "So I can say I'm 8,619 years old, since that's a number? Anyway, the name's Marcie." She stuck out her hand.
"You mean like Mrs. McBain." Cole said. He shook his head, getting the cobwebs out. Several spiders sucurried out along with their webs. "Wait, you probably don't know what I'm talking bout."
"You mean the dark red head who took off with that little baby Tommy?" Marcie asked.
"Yeah. How could you possibly know that?" he asked in a shocked voice. "Unless have you been stalking me?"
The girl shook her head. "Not exactly. I kind of teleported here, in a way. I'm a longtime viewer of the show, One Life To Live."
"What's that?" Cole asked, not quite awake.
"It's a really cool soap opera that's on every weekday. I'd suggest you watch it, but you're living in it. Anyway, that's not important. I'm going to help you."
"Ok." Cole said still a little confused. "How are you going to help me?"
In Llanview Starr was still listening to what PJ was saying. "You mean some whack job, took off with my boyfriend?"
"Hate to say it but yeah." PJ said.
"How rude." Starr said. "Do you have any idea where they are?"
"Not yet. Haven't been able to get that far into the story." PJ explained.
Starr looked very puzzled. "Ok whatever you say. You still haven't told me who you are."
"The name's PJ and I want to help you, in any way I can."
"Thanks but no thanks. I don't even know you," Starr insisted.
"Since when does that matter? You've always been a rebel, up until the writers started writing you differently. Not that it's a bad different." PJ said. "In fact, it's kind of nice how writers can make any change they want," he added, grinning at the Chicago Cubs' recent World Series victory.
Starr looked strangely at him. "I still find it really weird that you seem to know so much about me."
"Like I told you, I've watched the show for awhile. And let me just say, that creepy dude that was playing Antonio for those few days was a terrible actor." PJ said, laughing at his own joke.
"I don't know what your talking about." Starr said.
"Oh come on, you know horse face?" PJ could see she really had no clue. "Ok, never mind, then. Look just let me help you, ok?"
"Ok fine. But I'm calling my friends Langston and Markko for back up." Starr assured him, still unsure about the stranger.
"Fine with me."
Meanwhile, in the place Cole was being kept, Marcie was trying to reassure him. "Look, I swear I'm not here to cause you any harm, Cole." she said.
"Then why are you here?" Cole asked. "You obviously knew I was being kidnapped."
"Yeah because I saw it happen on the show," Marcie explained.
"First off, if you really want to help me could you get me untied? I need to find my cell phone and call my girlfriend and my mom." Cole said, still sounding completely weirded out. Marcie nodded and helped him untie the rope. "Ok, now help me find my phone, if you don't mind?" Cole asked.
"You're not going to find it here. That creep who kidnapped you took the phone with him." Marcie explained.
"Do you know who this creep was?"
Marcie talked with a pondering voice, trying to figure out the clues as she spoke. "Not exactly. I know he is kind of dumb. He was stupid enough to leave his mask in you and your mom's apartment."
"Well listen, Marcie, if that is really your name. You have to help me get out of here and like now," Cole insisted.
"Not so fast," A voice from behind them said. They both turned and saw a shadow poking out from the dark corner of the room.
"Wait a minute." Marcie said. "I know that voice." She walked a few steps and then stopped, about half way between Cole and the figure. "Eric?" She called. "Eric Matthews?"
The shadow stepped out and revealed that it really was Eric Matthews of Boy Meets World. "How do you know me?" he asked.
"Lets just say, I watch a lot of TV."
Chapter 2
Meanwhile back in Llanview, PJ and Starr talked about trying to find Cole.
"I've got it." said PJ "We could call Cole's cellphone."
"What will we call it?" Starr asked.
PJ hummed. "How about Macaroni. You know, like in yankee Doodle."
"Yeah, that was kind of weird...I wonder why Yankee Doodle even named his hat."
"His hat? I thought it was the feather." PJ pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "Oh, well, give me Cole's number." Starr told him the number, and PJ said, "Wait, you call. I don't think my carrier reaches that far.
"Try it once."
PJ dialed...Well, actually, he pushed some buttons...how many kids nowadays have no idea why they call it dialing anymore, anyway?
A loud crash was heard outside. "What was that?" Starr asked, very startled.
"I think it was a dropped call. Try your phone." Starr called Cole's number.
The kidnapper automatically picked up the cell phone out of habit. "Oh, no," he thought to himself. "It's someone calling Cole, and I can't impersonate his voice. The only impression I do is that annoying duck that keeps quacking 'AFLAC.' Why couldn't I have kidnapped that duck and had to answer his phone?"
Now that he was on the phone, he knew he had to say something. So he said, "City Morgue, you stab it, we slab it."
Starr turned to PJ, and said, "I think it's the kidnapper, what are we going to do?"
PJ grabbed the phone. He didn't know how to get the person to reveal his location, but he was hungry, so he said to the kidnapper "Can you pick up a couple of Big Mac's?" Starr rolled her eyes. "Just a minute. What?" he asked Starr, with his hand over the phone.
"Do you know how many McDonalds there are in the world?"
"No, but I bet their website could probably tell you."
"PJ, that's not the point. How is that supposed to help us?" she asked. "He could find a McDonalds on the moon."
"Well, maybe he's not on the moon." PJ spoke back into the receiver. "Sorry about that."
The kidnapper was stunned. Had the person on the other end gotten the wrong number? Or, did they want Cole to pick up a couple Big Macs? Or, was he just going crazy? Did he really hear that question right? He said, "I'm nowhere near a McDonalds" in a slightly surprised tone.
"Where's the closest one?" PJ asked.
"Dude, I'm in Ireland," the kidnapper said, deciding he could risk revealing the truth. "There's like only 10 in this country."
"You should have gone to the moon. I guess by the time the food gets here it would be rotten." PJ mouthed to Starr and said, "He's in Ireland."
Starr held her hand over the phone. "He's an island? Nobody's that big! Well, maybe Boss Hogg on the Dukes of Hazzard..."
PJ put his hand over the phone, not noticing Starr already had hers over it. "No, I was mouthing the words 'He's in Ireland.'"
Starr had a shocked look on her face. "Ireland? How did he get there?"
"I don't know, but I sure hope he's not in the capital; we'd never find him. It's Dublin ever year." He realized he was sort of holding her hand. "Oh. Sorry. I hope you don't mind."
"What, that you're holding my hand?"
"No, that I'm pouring hot coffee down your shirt. Here's your sign." He grabbed the phone away from Starr with his other hand, and asked, "Where in Ireland?"
The kidnapper almost told him, then froze. He didn't know what else to say. So, he simply said what he now thought he should have done in the beginning - done an impression.
"AFLAC," he said, doing a great impression of that duck, before hanging up.
-------------------
Meanwhile, Cole was in a room with only a bed and a calendar.
"Okay, you answered two questions," Cole asked Marcie. "Now, for the third - did you drug me?"
"First, we need to get you some nourishment."
"How are you going to do that - we seem to be locked in, and all there is is a bed and a calendar."
"Man, you're dumb - don't you know you get water from the mattress springs, and eat the dates off the calendar?"
"But, that's just a joke I learned in..." He was about to say "grade school," but Marcie had suddenly taken the dates of the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd off the calendar, and placed them in Cole's mouth. "Mmm, tastes pretty good."
"Don't eat with your mouth full," the newcomer told him as she pulled a spring from the mattress and stuck it in Cole's mouth. Water came from it. "Good, huh? And, no, I didn't drug you. This is all happening."
Cole struggled to get untied, but felt saying that he was tied up would be too bad of a pun, even for this story. So, he said, "How are you going to help me?"
"First, would you like some more dates?" The new girl had eaten some more dates - the month on the calendar now had no numbers up till the 10th.
"Er, how about a Sunday for dessert?"
"Okay." She peeled off the word "Sunday" and stuck it in his mouth," then untied him. "Sorry, I didn't have any whipped cream."
"That's okay. I just hope Starr doesn't get mad that I had a few dates with you."
"Well, we ate dates, we didn't go out on them" The calendar was stripped of dates till the 15th now, as Marcie stuffed a few dates in Cole's pocket. "You'll need these for later. We have a long road ahead of us." She untied him, then started picking at the lock with a hairpin.
"You still haven't explained how you got here. Tell me," Cole demanded.
"Do you understand the quantum physics behind multiforce wormholes that alter the dynamic parralax of the space-time continuum?"
"Uh...no."
"Good, I made all that up. Actually, I saw you were in trouble, so I pulled out a calculator and divided by zero."
Cole's head was spinning as they got out the door, and made their way down a long, winding corridor. He'd always heard that was impossible, but hadn't realized...
"Hey, wait, do we have to do that to get back? I don't have a calculator?"
She was about to answer, when she heard a noise. "Quick, let's duck into this door that's conveniently open." They cucked into it and closed it - the words on the outside read, "Conveniently Placed Door."
Meanwhile, the kidnapper had gone into the room where Cole was being held. He looked around for him, and saw that the calendar was missing the first fourteen days of the month, and all the Sundays. "I didn't think that was possible," he muttered, before running out of the room after Cole.
Chapter 3
While Cole and Marcie scampered out of the building, the bad guy and his henchmen looked around for clues. "You idiots," he screamed at his men. "You let a person get through unnoticed and get Cole out of a supposedly secure room! Where did any of you ever learn to stand guard?"
One man pulled out a a certificate. "Are you kidding? I got a Ph.D. in it. And, it only cost me $19.95, plus shipping and handling."
"That's from one of those diploma factories," his partner scoffed. "I got mine at the Hazzard County School of Driving."
"I'll take the diploma factory man, if you don't mind; I'd. feel safer in a car with him."
Meanwhile, a third henchman had spotted their tracks outside. "Look," he said, "footprints all over Jones."
Jones stopped snoring and woke up very slowly. "Huh? What happened?"
"You were sleeping on the job, that's what happened!" the kidnapper barked.
"Yeah, it looks like you got run over by a reindeer," the first henchman said.
Jones said he couldn't help it. "I laid across the door so they couldn't get out, but I'm a really sound sleeper."
"You'll have plenty of time to sleep, because you'll be fired if you don't start doing your job! Now get out there and find Cole," the kidnapper snapped.
The man who made the reindeer comment told him to stop when he heard the name. "Wait, I've got a better idea to get him back." He punched the other two henchmen and Jones in the face.
"What'd you do that for?" Jones yelled.
"So, I could be bad. Now, I've just got to go get a really big stocking." He left, with the others very confused.
Meanwhile, Cole and Marcie fled north, and were hiding in an old, abandoned barn. They huddled together as night fell, trying to keep warm. "Thanks, Marcie. You really are resourceful."
"I know. My friends used to call me Mississippi."
Cole thought for a moment. "Oh, you mean like Indiana Jones?"
"No, I just dated a man named Mr. Ippi for a while," she explained.
"I see."
"Yes, most people do, unless they're blind. But, I'm free now," she told him happily." Someone else is Mississippi. And, I'm left borrowing clothes from my sister Della, wondering what would Delaware, like this New Jersey I have on. And, trying to think of a pun I could make out of Wisconsin," she finished as they inched closer together.
"I'm sure you could. Marcie, you're so beautiful, so resourceful. I like Starr, don't get me wrong, but you show up in the middle of a story, you make everything turn out okay with no problem, you can do anything. It's almost like you're a…" Their lips almost touched as he finished. "It's almost like you're a Mary Sue, you're so perfect."
After they engaged in a passionate kiss, Marcie asked, "You think I'm perfect? Tell me; if I were a Mary Sue, would I have this big wart on the top of my forehead?" She brushed back her bangs to reveal a big, ugly wart that was oozing a strange, green gel.
"Ewwww, gross!" Cole said as he pushed himself away from her. "What is that stuff coming out of it?"
"I don't know; it kind of tastes like chicken." She took it off. "Fooled you, huh?"
"Fake warts?"
Marcie shrugged. "Hey, it was gag gift one Christmas from a novelty store. Anyway, I do sing really bad. And, I've got two left feet."
"No; you?" Cole asked, disbelieving. Marcie pulled her shoes off, though, and sure enough, she didn't have a normal left and right foot – she had two left ones.
Suddenly, a rustling noise was heard. "Someone's coming. This way." She led him out of the barn, and into a vehicle. "We can hide under all this stuff," she said as they hid.
Starr and PJ were headed toward the East Coast. Meanwhile…
The first henchman had invited the kidnapper to his house. "What was so important that you interrupted our search to call me over here."
"I wanted to show you my stocking." He pointed to a large stocking, about eight feet high.
"I can see that, but what in the world does that have to do with anything?!" the kidnapper stormed.
"It's simple. I was bad when I punched people in the face. So, since I was bad…" Suddenly, two loud screams were heard, as two figures dropped from the sky, out of the vehicle they had been hiding in. The henchman pulled the top down from it and showed the kidnapper. "I knew Santa would put Cole in my stocking." An incredibly loud, collective groan was heard, coming from Cole, Marcie, the kidnapper, and likely most of the readers.
Chapter 4
Meanwhile, Starr and PJ had reached the East Coast of the Untied States. "Now what?" Starr asked.
"Well, I'm not sure. Ummm, see, there's this ocean."
"Well, we're right near an airport. Let's see." She pointed out a plane with a large "D" on it. "Could we take that one?"
"No, that's D plane – it's going to Fantasy Island." Starr scolded PJ that that joke had probably been done many times. "Well, not since it went off the air, probably. Let's see. We could take a boat…but not this one." PJ pointed toward a rowboat with "China or Bust" on the side. "That's a slow boat to China. Wait…what's the Love Boat's Pacific Princess doing here?"
The new captain of the Pacific Princess stepped out of the boat, now docked in New York Harbor. "Hi, I'm your new captain – I used to be captain of the Exxon Valdez," he said, referring to the ship that wrecked and caused a huge oil spill years ago.
"that makes sense now," PJ pointed out.
"PJ, hurry up, we need to find the fastest way there; we can't take a boat!' Starr cried out.
PJ nodded. "You're right; Cole could be in great danger."
"That, and Johnny Carson once said when doing standup, 3-4 jokes in a row along the same lines was plenty; any more and they become stale," Starr said. "So, what are we waiting for?"
"For the author to think of something else." With that, PJ and Starr found an airplane and got tickets.
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Meanwhile, Cole and Marcie found themselves trapped as stocking stuffers in a very tight place filled with other things in the giant stocking. "What do we do now?" Cole asked.
Marcie searched through the small toys and gift cards piled into the stocking. "Look for something that smells really bad." Very dramatic music played in the background as the kidnapper and his henchmen approached. After they searched for several very tense moments, Cole found some feet. "Good; stocking feet. Set them on the smelliest setting and throw them."
Cole looked at the dial. "let's see, 'good,' 'bad,' 'dirty,' 'smelly,' 'really smelly,'…ah, here, at the end – 'Kimmy Gibbler.'" He turned the dials all the way to the end, and threw the feet out the stocking.
The kidnapper and his henchmen had just angrily approached the opening of the stocking, and were ready to violently grab Cole and Marcie, when Cole threw the stocking feet at them. A foul, pungent odor came out of the feet as the men cowered in fear, covered their noses, and ran away.
"This way; hold your nose!" Cole led Marcie through the opening of the large stocking, past the stinking, smoking feet, and out of the area.
Suddenly, they were stopped by the screams of a damsel in distress.
---------------
Meanwhile, PJ and Starr were waiting in the lounge, with their boarding passes. Suddenly, two suspicious-sounding men began whispering near them.
PJ motioned Starr over to the side of the room. Once they were over there, he whispered. "Starr, do you hear what I hear?"
Instantly, Starr began to sing. "Said the night wind to the little lam – "Do you hear what I hear …"
After she sang a couple lines, PJ said, "Starr, I know you like to sing, but…"
"…do you hear what I hear? A song, a song…"
"Starr, people are staring at you."
She kept singing, "High above the trees, with a voice as big as the sea. With a voice as big as the sea!"
"Starr, no more singing right now; this is important!" He glanced at the two men. "They were saying something about the kidnapping."
"Oh no! Do you think they noticed me?"
"No, you started singing a Christmas song out of the blue in a crowded departure gate when it was nowhere near Christmas. I think you were completely hidden from them," PJ answered sarcastically. "Anyway, they said something about an elephant's head."
"An elephant said? But, PJ, elephants can't talk," Starr said matter-of-factly.
"No, not an elephant said, an elephant's head. Look, just stay over here by the security, I'll do the talking; they won't know me from Adam."
"I would. Adam would be a whole lot older." She paused a second. "Also, Adam didn't have a belly button. I assume you do."
PJ nodded. 'Good point; I better not pretend to be Adam then; I'll just be me." He walked up to the two men and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear; you said something about an elephant's head?"
"What do you know about that?" one man asked, as he rose in a threatening manner.
"Oh…I give jungle tours on safaris. I used to work in a zoo. How did you get just a head?"
"Let's just say it's a little side business our boss runs," the first goon said with a smile.
"Is it connected to the kidnapping of Cole?"
The second man got up now. "All, right, you are you?" he asked as he got into PJ's face and grabbed him by the shirt.
"Uh…Adam?" PJ asked, saying the first name that came to him.
"All right; let's see if you've got a belly button!" the first man shouted.
"No, no, I'm not Adam!" ("I should have listened to Starr about the belly button business," PJ thought to himself.) "I, uh…"
Starr took a deep breath, and decided to chance it; they might recognize her, but she had to take that chance. She couldn't let anything happen to PJ; she was starting to really care about him, and it wouldn't be a very good story if it did.
"Excuse me. Let go of my friend!" The second man let go of PJ. "Just who do you think you are? Picking on helpless, innocent creatures. First elephants, and now him."
"We didn't kill no elephants, lady," the first man said. "We just had the job of putting it in Cole's family's apartment as a warning. Along with what some hicks thought was other incriminating evidence," he pointed out.
"You mean Roger Clemens' and Barry Bonds' trainers' personal phone numbers on his cell phone?" Starr asked.
"Nah, those were already there," the second goon said. "I mean the Styrofoam we packed the head with so it would be easier to carry; some idiot thought it was cocaine." He thought for a moment. "Why am I telling you this?!"
"Inquiring minds want to know?" Starr suggested.
The other goon nodded. "Just as I suspected. You work for the National Enquirer, and you're trying to get a lead on the elephant. Well, I can promise you, nothing will stop our boss' fiendish plot. One day, he will rule the world!" With a maniacal laugh, the two goons heard their plane's boarding call, and departed.
Chapter 5
Eric Matthews, the kidnapper, fumed at his henchmen, Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. "You let him get away again! How could you do this?!"
"The Evil Overlord Rules?" Larry suggested.
"I guess so," eric admitted. "Well, scout around and try to find out where he is. Go in disguise if you have to. Do you have Marty, at least?"
"We can't find anyone named Marty," Darryl said.
As the kidnapper's face turned red with anger, the other Darryl added, "We checked every male there."
"Marty is Cole's mother!" Eric shouted
The kidnapper made angry, exasperated sounds, as Darryl One pointed out, "Marty has to be a man's name; it's short for Martin. Like that coach."
"Yeah, Marty Schottenheimer. I mean, sure, his teams choke in the playoffs. But, he's great in the regular season," Larry added.
Darryl Two said, "It's just in the playoffs, his teams become so conservative. I mean, football is a tough game, and the way his teams are, especially my team with the prevent defense, it's almost like they become a bunch of…" he thought for a moment. "Girls. I see your point, Boss. Marty, Cole's mother, must be a woman."
Later, Eric Matthews, his henchmen, and the guard named Jones returned to the stocking, once the smell was gone. "Maybe if you're bad again, he'll come back," Eric told Larry.
"I don't think so. If you want me to be bad, then by being bad I'd be good," Larry noted.
"Oh, all right. I'm the bad guy here, I'm the kidnapper, why can't Santa leave me some Cole in my stocking!" eric paused dramatically. "In fact, maybe he did." He ran to his secret lair, after ordering his henchmen to follow him.
Sure enough, he had a large stocking. An elderly man with a crown was getting out of it as they walked in. "Well, hello, gentlemen," the merry old soul said cheerfully. "My, what a strange thing has happened; I was suddenly picked up and placed in this stocking. Ah, well." Seeing Jones was wearing a uniform – that of a guard – he pointed at him first. "You! Fetch me a pipe and a bowl, will you, on the double! Ah, and you must be my fiddlers three," he said to the three henchmen.
As Larry, Darryl, Darryl, and Jones did their duties, the first three pulling fiddles out of thin air and Jones bringing a pipe and a bowl, Eric could only shake his head in shock.
--------------------
Meanwhile, Cole and Marcie ran to the home where they'd heard the scream. "Is something wrong?" Cole asked.
"Yes, there is a problem. My pet bird, Beans, is dead."
Cole pulled out a notepad from his pocket, acting like a super sleuth. "I see. Your birds name was Beans?"
"Yes. My husband, Frank, went to the store to buy some beans, and he came home with the bird, so we called him Beans." She turned to her husband. "I think these people are detectives. The one has a notepad, and the other is looking through a magnifying glss."
Marcie looked up from her magnifying glass. "Huh? Oh, sorry, I was just trying to fry some ants on the sidewalk. Anyway, may we come in and have a look around?"
They entered the home, and Cole noticed the bird food bag still laying out, partly open. He looked at the contents. "Sir, it's a good think you didn't eat any of this bird seed!" he said. As dramatic music played, Cole continued. "It appears to have been poisoned."
"Good thing we started out diet today, honey," Frank said.
"May we see the bird's body?" Marcie asked.
"Right this way." Frank and his wife, Honey, introduced themselves, and then led Cole and Marcie out to the back yard. "We buried him this afternoon."
"Then, why was your wife screaming just now?" Cole asked.
"I was so happy that our high school team won the state basketball tournament."
Marcie said that didn't make sense. "When my…" She blushed. She was going to say boyfriend – and, she did like Cole. He blushed, also, partly because he liked Marcie, partly because he discovered his fly was down. "When Cole asked, your wife said your bird died."
"You didn't ask why I was screaming," Honey said. "You asked if something was wrong. I told you what was wrong."
Cole had to admit that was true. They took the box out of the ground after digging it up.
When Frank opened the box, though, there was only a skeleton. "How can this be? We only buried it a few hours ago."
"Quite peculiar, Marcie," Cole said. "Do you and your wife eat birds, Frank?"
"Well, yes, chickens and turkeys, but not parrots."
Marcie turned toward Cole. "We need to figure out what could do this, honey."
"Don't call me that; she's Honey," Cole said, pointing to the woman. "Although…it did sound kind of nice. Maybe if you called me Dear?"
"But, you don't look like Bambi," Marcie said.
"Not that kind of deer. I mean, Dear, as in sweetheart. Look, let's go ask the neighbors if they saw anything. Are your neighbors home?" Cole asked.
"Well, one will be; Winston Salem is across the street," Frank said.
Cole was confused. "How can that be? We're in Ireland, not North Carolina."
"I don't remember hearing he was going to North Carolina," Honey said to Frank.
"Winston Salem had always been in North Carolina," Cole said.
"Unless there is another Winston Salem," Marcie said. "Do you have a rand-McNally atlas?" she asked Frank. He didn't. "Well, we'll have figure that's Winston Salem across the street, also."
At that moment, a man came out of the house across the street. Marcie listened to him him talking to Honey as Cole asked Frank more information about the bird.
Frank admitted to Cole that it made no sense to him. "Are you saying that something had to take the bird out of the box, eat the bird, leaving only the skeleton, and then put the bird back into the box?"
"I don't think it would work any other way. See, if whoever it was tried to eat the bird before taking it out of the box, well, it couldn't very well do that, could it?"
They spoke for a moment, until Marcie came up to Cole. She motioned him over to the side. "We may have found how the bird got eaten. And, a more sinister plan."
"Why is that?" Cole wanted to know.
"Because, I just heard that man inviting Honey over to eat franks and beans!"
Chapter 6
Cole nodded. "We've got to get to the bottom of this." He approached Winston Salem. "Sir, you've just come from Winston Salem, correct?"
"How could I come from him, I am Winston Salem," Winston said.
"Oh, come now, that is impossible, you are not a town. Now, I understand that this woman was just invited to Winston Salem," Cole said.
"Stop talking about me in third person," Winston said. "I am right here, when speaking to me about me you should use second person."
"I was not talking about you, I was talking about Winston Salem," Cole said to Winston Salem.
Winston stomped his foot. "But, I tell you, I am Winston Salem."
"Never mind that; were you going to eat a bird?" Marcie asked.
"No, we were going to eat franks and beans," Winston corrected her. "She knows I often cook franks out on the grill."
"What object of Frank's do you cook on the grill?" Cole wanted to know.
"I don't cook anything of the franks. I just put a frank on the grill and cook it," Winston said.
Cole and Marcie gasped. "So, you admit to cannibalism?" they asked.
"What are you talking about; I'm not a frank," Winston said.
"Good point," Cole said before turning to Marcie. "Frank would be the one…wait a minute, how can frank eat himself?"
"Frank is another word for hot dog!" Frank said loudly.
"Oh. Thanks for clearing that up," Cole said.
"Look, I'm going to be perfectly frank with you…" Winston said.
"Does that mean you're going to be Honey's husband?" Marcie asked. "Or, will you be a hot dog?"
Winston rolled his eyes. "This type of frank means 'honest.' Look, I don't know what you're doing here, but whatever it is, you're not doing a very good job of it."
"We happen to be trying to find out what killed Beans," Cole told him.
Winston said, "Beans aren't alive like we are."
"Beans isn't alive," Cole corrected him.
"Yes, that's the problem," Marcie said. "Where were you between 7:00 and 8:00 tonight?"
"It's only four in the afternoon," Winston said.
"You're right, I lost total track of time," Marcie said apologetically.
"Where were you on July 4, 1776?" Cole asked accusingly.
"I wans't alive then; nobody was," Winston said.
Cole rubbed his chin. "Hmmm, nobody was alive then, and Beans the bird isn't alive now. I wonder if there's a connection." He turned back toward Winston Salem. "Sir, if you didn't come from Winston Salem, where did you come from?"
"My Mommy's tummy," Winston explained sarcastically.
"I see. And, you were planning to eat Beans, but somebody beat you to it," Cole said.
"The beans are still in my kitchen," Winston answered.
Marcie said that was impossible. "Beans is in the box."
"Beans come in a can," Winston countered.
"No, no, we found the skeleton of Beans in a box," Cole said.
"That's impossible, beans don't have bones." Winston added, "That's the thing I like about franks, they don't have bones either."
Cole looked at Frank. "He certainly looks like he has bones. How else could he stand?"
"he is not a frank," Winstons aid, thinking of the hot dog, not the name.
"Ah ha, an impostor!" Cole tugged at Frank's nose, which would not come off. "Hmmm, not wearing a mask, I see. Well, we shall find out who you really are after we find out who killed and ate Beans."
----------------------------
Meanwhile, Starr and PJ had landed in Ireland. "Where do we start to look?" Starr asked.
"I've been thinking about that. Let's try calling Cole's cell phone gain," PJ said. He dialed the number, and a voice mail came on.
"This is Cole," said the message. "I'm away from the phone right now, because I am either at work, sleeping, or being held captive. I'll get back to you if this guy in a Death mask ever lets me!"
"That last part wasn't Cole's voice," Starr said.
"I know; sounds like the kidnapper. I wonder if he still has Cole?"
They walked through the airport, and found themselves holding hands. "Uh, do you know we're holding hands?" PJ said anxiously.
"I didn't think that was my hand."
"I mean, you don't think Cole will mind?" PJ asked.
Starr told PJ, "My dad would probably be happier, You don't seem like the kind to ask me to get in bed with you."
"Since when does that matter?"
"Since the writer's strike," Starr explained.
"Oh, yeah, that. Look, let me try it again." PJ pressed the numbers again. The kidnapper picked up the phone and said "hello." "Is that you, Cole? We're here in Ireland now."
"What? Who is this?" Eric asked.
"It's me, PJ. Can you hear me now?"
"I can't hear you," Eric said, hoping that would stop the caller from learning where Cole was.
PJ and Starr walked up to a young teen selling things in the airport. He bought a megaphone from her stand, and shouted into the cell phone using the megaphone. "Can you hear me now?!"
"I still can't hear you," the kidnapper said.
Next, PJ paid some maintenance workers to set up a large loudspeaker system outside the airport. He got a speaker at large as a bus, and sat his cell phone right in front of the speaker. Turning the microphone up to fall blast, PJ said, "Can you hear me now?" the sound echoed throughout the city.
"I still can't hear you," the kidnapper said back in his lair.
Larry said, "I could hear him through the window."
"Never mind," the kidnapper barked. He spoke back into the cell phone once PJ got back on line. "We have taken Marty, also, and my henchmen have been ordered to get rid of the woman. I don't know who you are, but by the time you find us, it will be too late."
Chapter 7
PJ looked at Starr. "The kidnapper won't say what his plan is, but we'd better hurry." He gave the girl back the megaphone.
"If he kept saying he couldn't hear you, I think he was lying," she said as she gave PJ back his money.
"Really? I thought he was deaf," PJ said sarcastically.
"Well, I'm actually an amateur sleuth." She extended her hand. "I'm Nancy."
Starr looked at the drawings in her booth, next to the megaphones, potato chips, pillows, and lawn sprinklers. "This must be Nancy Drew; look at the pictures drawn and signed by 'Nancy,'" she said to PJ. "Nancy, why do you have such a strange combination of items for sale in your booth?"
"I've heard it's important to diversify, and have different products. Here's my card, if you need any help."
PJ took her business card, and promised to call if there was any problem. They rented a car, and Starr began to drive as they left the airport.
----------------------------
Cole and Marcie had finished investigating Winston Salem. "Funny, he said he only had the one house. I thought a town would be a lot bigger," Cole said. "Say, do you have a cell phone?"
"Do you have a cell phone?" Marcie repeated as she was asked.
"Sorry, mine is back where I was being held captive."
"That's okay, we can use mine," Marcie said. "Who do you want to call; Starr?"
"My name is Cole, not Starr. Let me call Starr." He took the phone, and dialed Starr's number. "Hey, Starr, it's me, Cole."
"Cole, where are you? We've been looking all over for you; we're in Ireland right now," she said as she tried to drive. "Here, I'll put PJ on the phone; I'm driving."
PJ took the phone and said, "Cole, don't worry, we're coming to get you."
"Okay, listen, I escaped with someone's help; her name's Marcie. We've got a mystery on our hands," Cole said.
"What is it?"
"It's something with clues that you try to solve. But, that's not important," Cole said. "It's about this bird that was supposedly put into a box whole, yet the people who put it in there were shocked when there was just bones left when we pulled it out."
"Okay, listen, there's this girl at the airport named Nancy. She said to call if you need anything. Here's her number." PJ gave them the number. "Maybe she can give you some ideas; Starr and I are trying to find a secret hideaway of some kind."
"You think you'll find the kidnapper there? I suspect he's out looking for us now."
"Maybe, but we heard about something worse. Something about a fiendish plot, taking over the world. That sort of thing," PJ said matter-of-factly.
"Ah, I see; typical Evil Overlord, huh?" Cole asked.
"Yeah; hopefully he's never read the list on the Internet about what to do if you're an evil overlord; it'll be a lot harder if he follows their advice." They said goodbye, and hung up.
----------------------------
"We need to find anything abandoned that they could have held him in. Look, back there, off the side of the road," PJ said as he pointed to an old shack. "Pull over."
PJ and Starr got out, and snuck up to the side door. Darryl One and Darryl Two snuck up behind them, and began to raise a large, metal pipe, so long it took two people to lift. Thankfully, PJ was reaching his back at the same time to grab something to hit any guards on the inside over the head with. He felt the pipe, and grabbed it from the shocked henchman's hands. "Thanks." He grunted as he tried to lift it; it was heavy, but he could just do it.
Starr looked behind PJ, startled by the grunt. "Eeeek," Starr shrieked, seeing the henchman. "Behind you."
PJ turned. He and Starr quickly grabbed the Darryls. "All right, who are you." The henchmen refused to answer. "What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?!'
They nodded, and opened their mouths. Two very small cats were inside, and had hold of their tongues.
"I see. Starr, look to make sure nobody else is around this shack." He pulled the cats off. "Where did you get that big pipe?"
"We puled it out of the ground over there." Sure enough, Darryl One pointed to a place where a water pipe had been dug up, and water was gushing out of the ground
"All right," PJ said, "I want to hear everything you know."
"Uh, the capital of Vermont is Montpelier." The henchmen went on to list the days of the week and months of the year. "There are 365 days in a year."
"366 on Leap Year," Darryl Two added.
Darryl One agreed. "Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox," he said.
"PJ, they're trying to stall," Starr insisted as she came back up to him.
"No, wait, I'm learning things. I never could figure out why the date for Easter kept changing," PJ said.
"Well, that does impress me," Starr admitted with a smile, as the Darryls recited their mother's recipe for meat loaf, arguing for a minute about what temperature to set the oven at.
PJ turned toward Starr, and smiled back. "Thanks. I like you, too. Tell me, what do you look for in a person?"
"Let's see, loyal, trustworthy, brave...no, wait, that's the Boy Scouts," Starr corrected herself. "I guess I like a guy who's resourceful like you, in how you came to help me, from who knows where, and someone who will always be there for me."
"…To see if the meat loaf is cooked well enough…" Darryl One continued.
PJ interrupted. "Stop. Look, what do you know about the kidnapping of Cole."
"And, about the man that's tied up in that shack," Starr asked.
"You never told me about that," PJ said.
"You didn't ask," Starr explained.
"Is it Cole?" PJ asked.
""No, but he looks familiar. The funny thing is, I almost thought I knew the person till got closer," Starr said.
PJ and Starr picked up the pipe, and ordered the henchman to walk in, in front of them. "Okay, let's see." PJ looked at the person tied and gagged in front of him. "Who are you?" PJ rattled off several names of people in Llanview. Finally, he said, "Marty?" She nodded. "But, why do her facial features look like a guy's? A guy with a foot-long beard, at that?" he asked the Darryls.
"Our boss said to remove any trace of the woman. So, before getting rid of her, we turned her face into a man's face," Darryl One said.
"But, did you have to give her Uncle Jesse's face from 'The Dukes of Hazzard'?" Starr wanted to know. He wouldn't answer.
"All right. Untie Marty and take that handkerchief out of her mouth." The henchman did as he was told. "And, get her a razor if she wants; that beard is long. And, it really doesn't match her hair."
"Let me see!" Marty exclaimed.
Starr took the compact out of her purse, and showed Marty.
"Well…at least it's white. White goes with everything," Marty said. "But, I don't like the wrinkles."
"Yeah, I guess that's true," PJ said.
As they stood around discussing what else to do, they were confronted by a man with a gun.
It was the kidnapper and Larry, the other henchman.
Chapter 8
"All right," Eric said, waving the gun. "I'd planned to come for Marty…" He looked at Marty, staring at the new face she'd been given. He turned to his henchman for a moment. "You gave her an old man's face? You people are idiots!" he spouted.
"Well, do you think Cole would recognize her? I don't' think so," Larry said.
"His mom didn't have a long, white beard before," Darryl One said.
"All right, it's not going to matter in a little while, anyway. I am in charge of this operation…" Eric began.
""What do you mean?" PJ asked him, trying to buy time and think of a way out of this.
"'I' is the subject of the sentence, referring to myself. 'This operation' refers to my plot to take over Llanview, and then, the world." He took PJ's cell phone as they began to tie up PJ, Marty, and Starr. "I'll relieve you of that, of you don't mind."
"Aren't you going to tell us what your operation is?" PJ asked.
"Are you kidding? I've read the list of what not to do if you're an Evil Overlord!"
"I was afraid of that," PJ said.
Eric added, "Of course, we do have artistic licenses to keep up, so I am going to get rid of you in a way that will match my fiendish plot to rule the world." He looked down. "Rats, I brought the squirt gun by mistake again. Well, I was going to do this anyway. You will notice there is a large shed attached to this room. You will be shocked at its contents. The most ravenous creatures, pound for pound, in the world."
"You've cloned Boss Hogg?" PJ asked, making another Dukes of Hazzard reference.
Eric rolled his eyes. "No, I didn't clone Boss Hogg." Soon, you shall lern just what that is. Let's go."
"We can't go, we're tied up," Marty said.
"I was talking to my henchmen." He left, with two of the henchmen following. Darryl Two stayed behind to open the door that connected the shed with the shack.
"Hey, Darryl, don't you want to untie us?"
Darryl Two turned toward PJ. "What?"
PJ explained. "Your boss just said to tie us up, right? He didn't say anything about keeping us tied up." Darryl Two looked confused. "If you leave us tied up you'll be in big trouble."
"But, he said this was gonna kill you," Darryl Two said as an enormous number of insects suddenly flooded the shack. Darryl Two became very nervous.
"Did he say that would happen while we were tied up…?" Starr began, catching on to what PJ was doing.
"Oh, no; fire ants," PJ said.
"PJ," Marty said in exasperation, "how can we fire ants at them. We're tied up, and we don't have any guns. And besides, what good would it do to fire ants at them?"
Darryl Two let out a huge scream as he saw the mound of fire ants approaching him. He began running in circles, with his hands over his head, in a major panic.
"What's wrong with you?" Starr wanted to know.
"I locked us in with all these ants, and I've got arachniphobia! AAUGH!!!!!!"
PJ calmly said, "Arachnaphobia is the fear of spiders, not ants."
"It is?" Darryl Two said breathlessly. When Starr said it was, he calmed down quickly and said, "Oh. Thanks. I feel a lot better; I thought it was ants I was afraid of."
"I can see why Eric locked him in with us," Marty said. "Say, isn't it taking a while for the ants to get to us?"
"We had to have time to finish our lines," Starr explained.
"Yeah, but soon, we could be finished."
"I thought the story was almost over, PJ," Starr said.
PJ said there were a couple more chapters. "But, first we have to figure out a way to stop these fire ants. Just a few will only sting like crazy, but with hundreds of thousands of them, they can devour small birds in a matter of minutes, leaving only the bones. So, they could devour us in a few hours."
"PJ," Starr said as she struggled to break free, "are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"That depends. Are you thinking that green ketchup was really a stupid idea?" PJ asked.
Starr thought for a second. "Well, I wasn't; but now that you say it…No, what I was thinking was, that's probably how the bird got eaten; provided they leave the bone." PJ said they did. "And, maybe that's why nobody ever found an elephant's body that was missing the head back in Llanview."
"Of course, because it got eaten up." PJ and the others looked at the advancing ants. "Only, how can we get out of here to warn the others?" As hundreds of thousands of fire ants descended on the three, it looked like the end. Then…
Chapter 9
Nancy had finished picking the lock with a hairpin. She, Cole, and Marcie burst intothe shack. "Stay away from those ants, they really sting!" PJ said warningly.
Darryl Two was again scared. "Wait, I thought you said it was spiders I was supposed to be afraid of!"
Cole and Marcie began to untie the three, while Nancy said she'd found out what was going on. "You'll have to follow me, I think we have just enough time," she finished.
"I knew we could count on you, Nancy Drew," PJ said.
"You thought because my name was Nancy and I had things I drew at my stand, that I was Nancy Drew?" the young teen said with surprise. "If you met George Burns, would you call the fire department?"
"There's a squad of exterminators coming to take care of the ants, come on…" Cole said, suddenly looking at Marty. "Mom…what did they do to you?" He stared at her face. "You even…have a beard!"
"Just a lot of plastic surgery, that's all. I think it makes me look wiser, don't you?" Marty asked.
Nancy was already at the car as the others were coming out. She was programming coordinates into her palm pilot. Suddenly, a couple trucks of men pulled up – as the men piled out, all of them looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger. "Good, the ex-terminators are here," she said as the men rushed into the building and started blasting the fire ants, saying "hasta la vista, baby" as they did.
They all piled into the van, with PJ, Starr, and Darryl Two in the back, Cole, Marty, and Marcie in the middle, and Nancy in the passenger's seat in the front. They quickly drove toward the airport.
Starr and PJ began to kiss. Suddenly, PJ said, Starr, I have to say something…"
"PJ, I love you. The way you handled all that…"
"Starr, listen. You belong with Cole. If you don't go with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but…' He saw Cole and Marcie kissing very passionately. "On the other hand, maybe you won't," PJ said as he and Starr kissed.
Cole turned back. "I'm sorry, but Marcie and I have declared our undying love for each other, and…"He saw Starr and PJ kissing. "She's really taking it hard," he told Marcie.
Nancy introduced the driver, Hercule Poirot, pronouncing it correctly, "pwa-row."
"Oh, yeah," Darryl Two said, "you're the famous Belgian detective from a good number of Agatha Christie mysteries. Say, can I have your autograph?" He pulled out an Agatha Christie novel from his jacket pocket, along with a Sharpie.
"Certainly. I will sign anything for someone who at last remembers that I am Belgian; everyone else thinks I'm French." Poirot signed the book while the car swerved through rush hour traffic. Nancy got out of the passenger seat to help steer.
Darryl two said, "Sign it, 'To Darryl. Actually, the other Darryl. My brother, Darryl, gets all the publicity.'"
"You want me to write all that?" Poirot said.
"No, there's more. 'He is a really swell who I met while solving a mystery in Ireland, a man who will go on to do great things in life …'" They pulled into the airport parking lot. "Oh, well, we're here. Aren't we? Where were we going?" Darryl Two wanted to know.
"We are here We just need to find the quickest way to the United States, and the city of Llanview." Poirot fingered his mustache, which Darryl Two said he was noted for.
PJ looked at Poirot's mustache. It was not just a handlebar mustache. It not only had the regular loop of a normal handlebar mustache, each aide had three loops, then the hair shot almost straight up, close to his eyes, with a slow descent after that which ended up down behind his ears.
It not only looked similar to a roller coaster with all the loops and hills, when they all squinted, they could see a series of cars attached, with tiny people waiting to get on. The roller coaster slowly went up his mustache, then went down fast, through the many circles, and finally shot up, and went down the other side, where the tiny people got off.
"That's quite a fancy mustache," PJ said.
Poirot thanked him. "It's $2.00 a ticket for a ride. Of course, the money I collect is kind of tiny, but it adds up. Now, how shall we get to America?" Poirot asked.
"I know." Darryl Two walked up to the counter, and said, "Do you have a reservation for Smith?"
"Darryl, you dummy, this is Ireland. That's not even an Irish name, let alone the most common name," Marty said.
They got regular tickets. "May I see your photo IDs?" the screener asked as they went through security. He stared hard at Marty. ""you look just like Uncle Jesse," he said before letting her pass.
"He let her through?" Marcie asked, not believing that Marty could get through with her old driver's license, after her face had been changed to Uncle Jesse's.
"A lot of people say they have poor driver's license photos, but Mom's was really bad!" Cole explained.
Once they were all on board the plane, before taking off, the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us while we wait. There is a bomb on board."
"I wondered if they were going to show a movie, since it's a trans-Atlantic flight," Cole said. "They must be going to show 'Batman Forever.'"
"But, why would they show it forever," Marty asked. "Well only be in the air a few hours."
The pilot announced that they'd determined it was a hoax. The plane flew to Llanview and made it safely.
Poirot introduced himself to the pilot. "I can promise you that we will find the evil person responsible for that hoax. He is apparently connected with the mystery that I am investigating."
"And, what is that?" the pilot wondered.
"It is a puzzle which must be solved, in this case the entire world may depend on my success," Poirot said. "It appears the individual wished to derail my quick flight here."
"I don't think he could, Sir, we were on an airplane, we weren't riding on rails," the pilot said.
"Ah, quite true. Anyway, we must be off to find the culprit." They shook hands, and Poirot left with the others.
Todd, Starr's father, approached the group. He saw Starr and PJ holding hands and snuggling as they walked into the airport lounge. "Starr…good, I see you've got someone else. I never did trust Cole."
"I don't like coal, either, that's why I heat my home with gas," Darryl Two said.
"Not another Cole/coal joke," PJ said tiredly.
Not thinking of the jokes, Starr said, "Well, I probably have some oil with me, with all the cosmetics I have."
"Next thing you know, my girlfriend will be mistaken for a real star," PJ said. He touched her. "Ouch. Your purse is real hot. Almost as hot as a…star." He started to look closer. "What could it be?"
Suddenly, Nancy and Poirot ordered everyone, "Throw that purse in the trash and get out of here, NOW!"
Chapter 10
"Is there a bomb?" PJ wanted to know.
Poirot said, "No. I noticed a beam of light just when I said that, apparently someone is operating a large laser, one which was aimed at something in Starr's purse." He turned to Starr and Cole. "Quickly, are there any lasers in Llanview."
"Are there any lasers in Llanvew?" they asked very fast.
PJ suggested the hospital. "Let us go there at once," Poirot said. "Someone, call me a cab!"
"You're a cab," Marcie echoed.
"Thank you very much. We shall not all fit in one, I suppose." After they got their bags, he walked up to the rental car booth. "I would like to rent a large SUV."
"You don't to spell it for me, Sir, I speak English." The lady at the booth gave him a receipt and a key. "Here."
Moments later, they were riding through the streets in a submarine on wheels. "The lady speaks English, but apparently she does not type well," Poirot said. "Thankfully, her replacing the 'v' with a 'b' will not be a problem, because I graduated from a very prestigious online university in submarine driving. I had my Ph.D. mailed to me over three weeks ago."
"Good thing, too, look!" PJ shouted as they saw a laser coming out of a small, brown shack by the side of the road.
"That's not the hospital," Cole explained.
"Aparently the laser used to do laser-guided surgery was stolen," Poirot said, as the light from the laser bounced off the sub's hull. "Fire torpedoes at will."
"Which one of them is will?" Darryl Two asked as Eric, Larry, and Darryl One fled the shack, seconds before a torpedo, fired by Starr, wrecked the shed.
"Well get that laser back later, they're going into that house. Pull over," PJ said. they got out, and PJ read the parking meter. "Hmmmm, cars, $1 an hour, trucks, $2 an hour, submarines, $800 an hour. Does anyone have $800?"
"I brought Monopoly in case we had to wait," Nancy said. She got her suitcase from the sub, pulled a Monopoly board out of it, and got $800 in Monopoly money and put it in the meter.
Then, they went inside, stopping Eric, Larry, and Darryl one as the bad guys carried a large remote control device.
"All right, we've caught you," PJ said. "We know all about the fire ants!"
"You won't get away with it," Starr said.
"You're history," Cole added.
Eric sighed. "It's no use. We'd issued a ransem note to Llanview, but they wouldn't listen. You found us just before we started the deadly attack of millions of fire ants. Which I would have started with this remote."
He gave Todd the remote control, but before Todd could activate it, Poirot ordered the others to grab it. PJ, Starr, Cole, and Marcie all grabbed it.
Poirot spoke with lots of drama. Unexpectedly, however, he didn't turn to Eric, but to Todd. "…You are not Todd, you are one of the perpetrators! You are actually Floyd Smithers! You have kidnapped Starr's father, the real Todd, and are holding him hostage somewhere," he said, pointing at an interior room with the door locked.
A muffled "help" was heard coming from the room.
"Monseur Poirot, how can you suggest that?" the fake Todd asked.
Poirot pointed to his head, as he talked. "You think you can outfox me? My little gray cells were working overtime, until I realized that I have something on you soap opera people. Something you will never have. I was first!" he said with a hint of arrogance.
The muffled "help" was heard again.
"You were first?" PJ and Marcie asked together.
"Yes, first," Poirot said. "You want impostors? Read the end of 'Third Girl'; the real killer impersonated a person who had died years earlier. Want a strange twist? In one of my mysteries, the narrator makes a full confession at the end. More impostors? A lady in Murder on the Links was apparently another lady on trial for killing her husband 20 years earlier in Paris! She had a young lover back then who I surmised to be impersonating someone else in that book after having fled and faked his death." Poirot stood tall in triumph. "That was published 14 years before the first soap opera ever; on the radio!"
The muffled cry was heard again. Nancy went in to investigate as Poirot continued.
"You soap opera people have monstrous twists, but none of them can escape the mighty gray cells of Hercule Poirot. I've seen them all. Of course, those twists were only included to further one murder mystery. Soap operas go way beyond that, Mr. Floyd Smithers. Or, should I say, Miss Irene Farmdale?" Todd/Floyd/Irene was in shock. "Yes, this person is a master of disguise. He had successfully impersonated seven men, three women, and an English Bulldog named Butch!"
"Grrrr, woof! Woof!" Todd/Floyd/Irene/etc. said.
"Down, boy," Poirot said.
Nancy came out of the room after having untied Todd and released him.
Todd followed. "Oh, Starr," he said, hugging her. "Is everything all right? You heard what almost happened to Llanview?" She said she had. He looked at everyone, then stopped and stared at Mary. "Marty…you've changed. There's something different about you." He studied her for a moment. "Is that a new dress?"
"Yes, everything's fine. It's in the bag, Dad."
"Baghdad? We have to go all the way there for the solution?" Cole asked.
"No, we have found the solution here. Llanview can rest safe tonight," Poirot said. "Officers, you may take them away."
Several police officers came to take the bad guys away. "All right," Rosco P. Coltrane said as he and deputies Cletus, and Enos came to arrest them, "I'm gonna cuff ya and stuff ya." He looked at Marty. "And hopefully the judge'll pile on a few more years for makin' that woman look like Jesse!"
Eric fumed as they were led away. "We would have done it if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!"
"So, the mystery of the kidnapping of Cole is over," PJ said. "Which leads to only one question. How can this end?"
"I don't understand," Poirot said.
PJ said it was simple. "This is a soap opera. They're based on cliffhangers. If that's the case, no fanfiction could really be written, because it would never end."
Poirot said that it had to end, or else it would be "Infinite lives to live," not "One Life To Live." He also added that there were other possibilities as they walked out the front door. "We know they poisoned the bird seed and all that other stuff. But, Marty will need surgery to remove that beard. Also, we have the small matter of the sub we rented, which apparently has been towed during our short time in here."
"Oh, that's no mystery. I saw a sandwich shop down the street," Starr said.
PJ agreed. "They're going to cut it up and sell it for food," he said.
"What does a sandwich shop have to do with anything?" Cole wanted to know.
"Surely, you've heard of a sub sandwich," PJ said.
Everyone said, "Stop calling me Shirley" as the camera faded.