Disclaimer:
I do not own Degrassi: The Next Generation or any of its characters. The song "Holy Water" is by Big & Rich.
Alright, now that that's all done, this was one of the first stories that I've written which is why the timeline is so off. (I think it was mid season 3 or early 4… it should all make sense though) I tried to publish it back when I wrote it, but I was always so busy, and couldn't quite figure out how to get the story into chapters. I originally was going to post it as a chapter story, but I have a new one now that I should be posting soon and so I figured I would just post this as a one shot. Anyways, my new story is a Paige & Jay fic called Compulsive. Look for it really soon, and thanks for reading my work.
Somewhere there's a stolen halo
I use to watch her wear it well
Everything would shine wherever she would go
But looking at her now you'd never tell
"... which is what he said, but I wasn't really too interested."
Day number 18. Hazel is still talking about her break-up with Jimmy, Ashley is still clamouring about how wonderful she and Craig are doing, and I am still stuck listening to it all. I just want to scream at them to shut up! All of them; it's all they do, the same thing, over and over, and over, and over again! I used to wonder why everybody would talk about us like we didn't have brains or souls, and after listening to the same jabber my whole life, I've finally come to realize that it's somewhat true. Hazel broke up with Jimmy a little over two weeks ago (18 days to be exact) and the only reason she can think of as to why she did it is "Because he doesn't treat me as well as he should." I mean come on, if there was one person who ever treated their girlfriend well, it was Jimmy. Sure, there's always my honeybee Spin, but even we have had our fair share of squabbles. Jimmy on the other hand treated Haze like a princess. The real reason why she broke up with him was because she wanted to date some new kid in our grade, and she just doesn't want to admit it until she is certain that she can ascertain that special someone's interests. It doesn't really matter though, because even if he doesn't like her, he'll probably go out with her anyways just so that he can hang with our group… new kids are all alike. Although lately, it has seemed like everybody is alike. I sit at the same lunch table everyday, and mildly partake in the conversation… Ashley is the only one who will ever notice… well, Spinner notices too, but that's just because he thinks that me being quiet is a sign that we can go make out in a secret little area of the school that we discovered a few months back… Then, once lunch is over I go back to my classroom routine. It's the same thing everyday: Drive, park, enter, homeroom, locker, Spinner, 2nd, washroom, re-gloss, 3rd, Hazel, Ashley, 4th, locker, lunch, locker, 5th, gym locker, change, cheer, entertain, change, Hazel, the Dot, Spinner, home. I feel like a robot; like I should wear a sign that says, "Do not attempt water tossage upon this individual. If she does not fry, then she will melt." I guess it doesn't really matter though; I could scream to the top of my lungs right here and now, and nobody would say anything. They'd just shrug it off as P.M.S. (Pardon the pun) No, not the horrid monthly process, but the symptoms heretofore known as "Paige Michalchuk Syndrome".
"Besides, he never treated me as well as he should have."
Here we go again.
Someone ran away with her innocence
A memory she can't get out of her head
I can only imagine what she's feeling
When she's praying
Kneeling at the edge of her bed
"Well I guess I could say that Hazel has been the person there for me the whole time, but…" I sat in Ms. Suave's office just like I did every Tuesday (yet another one of my routines), and I tried to think of who my best friend was, and who helped me when I needed it most. Sure, I'll admit that normally I'll just say Hazel right off the back, but I don't honestly know anymore. By the time that Ms. Suave started starring at me, waiting for me to go on, I realized that my thoughts had interrupted my speech.
"But what Paige?" There she went again with that concerned tone. I mean I know that it's her job and all, but sometimes I just want to smack her for being so focused on having me talk. Has she ever considered the fact that sometimes people just want to listen? Regardless of my current resentment towards her, I continued with my discussion.
"But there were a lot of other people who helped me get through different things."
"Who were they? Close friends? Relatives? People who you'd had relationships with?"
The question made me think even more.
"All of the above I guess. Hazel has been one of my best friends for a long time… years. Ashley and I had been best friends since grade two, and so she's practically considered family, and Spinner helped once he knew the truth."
She looked at me with her big brown eyes while she jotted notes down, and as usual I just wanted to take her book away from her and see what she was writing about me. I kept me anger concealed though and waited for her to ask me the next series of questions.
"Tell me about your relationship with Gavin. Has your assault affected your relationship in any way? Or possibly even your friendship?"
That one I wasn't prepared for.
"Well sure, I mean how could it not affect us? The whole reason why we got together in the first place was because Spinner was so caring and sweet once he realized that Dean had… raped me."
Rape. The word still burned through my mind like dictionaries on the sun. It was hard to think about it and even harder to talk about it. I guess somewhere inside of myself I just wish that I had never come forward about it; that I had just stayed quiet. That's somewhere deep inside though, and out here on planet Paige I know that talking about it really does help me deal. I mean before I started seeing Suave I was a mess. I couldn't think about love or romance because I didn't really think that they existed anymore. I figured that all guys were the same and only after one thing. I had based all guys on the puss that is Dean Walton, and until the Pantene Pro-Voice contest I thought that I was always going to be living a life that I couldn't control. That's how it always is though right? Life is good, something earth shattering happens, you have to find your hidden strength in order to climb back up to the top, and once you're there you really don't want to be anymore. You just want to be normal for once. You want to be able to wake up in the morning not knowing what's going to happen during the day, and go to sleep at night not thinking that the sooner you go to sleep, the sooner you're going to have to wake up. It's ironic you know. I can control everything and everyone around me, and yet I can't find a way to make myself happy.
And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water
Study hall: probably the best class ever to have been thought of by scholarly men. This would usually be my 'Public Appearance' hour, but today I decided to just stay in me and Spin's secluded little nook. There I was, me, Paige Michalchuk, sitting on the ground at the back of my school, starring at nothing. I can feel tears forming in my eyes, but I'm so used to being strong and brave that I can't let them fall. I tried as hard as I could, but none the less, a single silent tear grazed my smooth cheek. That's when the door from the inside of what seemed like the whole world opened, and Spinner poked his head out. I quickly wiped away the stray tear and stood to greet my honeybee with a hug.
"I didn't see you in the caf' so I thought you might be out here. I guess I was right."
"Right you were. Now, where did we leave off last time?"
Spin smiled at me before he placed a kiss on my lips. I smiled back once he pulled away, but this whole thing is just a charade to stop people from thinking that my life is as crappy as it honestly is. If I had it my way, I would be re-positioned at my calm little spot on the ground wrapped up in the arms of my pumpkin bunny. The only time when I truly feel safe is when I'm in Spin's arms and nobody is around. When we're in public it's different. I mean yea, Spin is still considerate of my feelings, but I know that he wants to be able to say that we do more than we actually do. That's why I love this small little space; here, I can tell Spinner that I love him and not have to worry about what people are thinking, and I can just give him a hug and stay that way forever. I don't of course, and Spin and I always end up making out until the bell rings, but oh well.
"Are you ok? You seem… different."
"Pardon? Oh, it's nothing. Really, I'm ok." I moved to kiss him again, but surprisingly Spin pulled away. I stood, a bit shocked, and waited as he looked deep into my eyes.
"Paige, what's wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong, ok? I just want to be with you."
"Paige –"
No matter what, I couldn't lie to Spin once he got that tone in his voice.
"Spinner what are we doing?" I turned around and started back to my cozy place on the ground, but instead of sitting I played with the leaves of a nearby bush.
"What do you mean 'we'?"
I could tell that he was getting nervous. He probably thought that I was about to break up with him.
"Not you and me, but everybody. I mean don't you ever feel like you're just stuck doing the same thing? It's like I can't even control my own life anymore, but there's nobody to do it for me."
"Paige…"
"Yea, I know. You want to help me, but you don't know how. That's what the problem is; nobody can help me. I can't even help me…"
I could tell that all Spinner wanted to do was make everything better, but I don't even know if that's possible anymore. That's when Spin walked toward me and took me into one of his huge safety-blanket bear hugs; something that really did make me feel somewhat better.
"I love you Paige."
"I love you too Spin."
She wants someone to call her angel
Someone to put the light back in her eyes
She's looking through the faces
The unfamiliar places
She needs someone to hear her when she cries
Spinner and I were sitting on my bed watching some random Lifetime movie. It was about a 14 year old girl who started sleeping around to be popular, and how her mom started realizing what was going on. It was a pretty good movie, but with the stuff that Ms. Suave had me going over in counseling, it was a little disturbing to be watching it… at the same time though, there was just something about the movie that made me need to watch it. I think that Spinner was more focused on the fact that we were on my bed instead of our normal spot on the couch in the living room, than on the movie. Every time a commercial would come on, he would start rubbing his hand up and down my arm, or kiss me on the top of my head. Knowing Spinner he probably thinks that I planned for this movie to be on just because it deals with sex. Once the movie was over, Spinner immediately took the remove and shut off the T.V. I wonder what he wants to do I sarcastically question in my head. There he goes again with the kissing, only this time, it's on my neck. I can see the reflection of us in the mirror and for some strange reason I'm more involved with my own thoughts than the fact the Spinner is going to make me look like a leprechaun if I don't respond to him soon. I turn slightly to face him and start to kiss him back. Paige Michalchuk simply can't have a disgrossing form of a hickey on her neck you know. Spinner rotates our bodies slightly and lays me down onto the bed shifting his body on top of mine. What's going on doesn't really phase me, because I'm lost in thoughts of, 'I'm not as strong as people think.' Once I jump back to reality, Spinner has his hand placed on my thigh, and is slowly traveling up to my chest. At first I start to think that maybe Spin and I should go all the way, but once his hand touches my breast I immediately start to feel cheap, and dirty, and used, and flashback to the last time I was in this position. I know that Spinner is nothing like Dean, but I just can't bring myself to completely give myself to him… not when I don't even know who I am. So, I push his hand away and sit up. I can see the confused look on his face that he's more than often sporting during school, and so I try to think of an excuse to tell him.
"Spinner I just…"
"Are you ever going to be ready to do this?"
I turned to look at Spinner, shocked at the fact that he had just asked that question.
"Excuse me!" I began to grow a bit furious by the time I questioned the meaning behind his comment.
"Paige- Look, I didn't mean to sound like an ass ok, it's just that I want to know if you're going to want to do this with me, or if I should stop thinking that we're going to eventually."
I still wasn't fully understanding what he was talking about, but I really didn't want to listen anymore. I got up and walked over to my make-up stand, and sat down on the small chair next to the desk.
"I don't want to pressure you, and so I don't want to start if you're going to need to stop. I just don't want you to be hurt."
I turned and looked into the mirror again. God, I'm surprised that I even have a reflection
"Life isn't measured by how many breaths you take, but by how many moments take your breath away."
"What?"
"Dean raped me. I didn't want to lose my virginity in some random room to a guy I'd talked to for an hour."
I could tell that he was hurt when I talked about Dean, but this was something that I needed to do.
"Paige - -."
"You stood up for me when I had nobody to turn to. Hazel said the same thing over and over again. Ashley was involved with sorting out her feelings for Craig. J.T. did all that he could, but it wasn't enough. You stood up for me."
Tears started to come back to my eyes, but I didn't want them to fall. I knew that if I let even one drop that I wouldn't be able to stop them all from coming down; not anymore. I turned to Spinner and saw the same look that he had in his eyes when I told him that what Dean did.
"You have always been there for me Spin, and more than anything I want to be with you, but I just… I love you so much. Dean can't even compare to how much I love you, and he hurt me so bad. I would have died if it wasn't for you, and I'm not exaggerating. How do I know that you're not going to hurt me even more?"
That was it, the dam gates opened, and it was like Niagra Falls. I just didn't know how I was supposed to comprehend that Dean, a guy I hardly cared about, could destroy my world, and trust that Spinner, the one person who I love more than anything, couldn't do something amazingly worse.
"I will never hurt you Paige. I don't want you to think that. I would die before I caused you ANY pain. I love you more than life itself, you have to believe me."
"I want to Spinner! Don't you think I do? I just don't know how."
"Well then we'll go slow until you figure out how."
Spinner got up and started walking towards me. Once he got there, he gave me the softest kiss on the cheek… it was like his lips were flower petals… and got down on his knees to meet my eye level.
"Promise?"
"Always."
And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water
I can't stand it; the sound of the clock ticking, small droplets of water trickling out of the faucet, the occasional outburst from the hallway… That's what I have to do though: sit and wait. Wait for Ms. Suave to come back from lunch, and wait for her to ask me why I'm here during my free period. To be honest, I don't actually know why I'm here I just sort of need to be. Like if I were anywhere else I would spontaneously combust into an oblivion. I heard the doorknob turning, and surely enough Ms. Suave paused slightly once she saw me.
"Paige? It's a surprise to see you. Do you need to talk about something?"
Oh no, nothing at all, I just like to come and sit in the counselor's office for kicks!
"I was just wondering… it's about Spinner… and, and me."
"What about you two?"
"Well um, well will I ever…"
This was a worse idea than whenever Heather Sinclaire tried to cut her own hair. I mean what was I thinking? Coming to the guidance counselor to ask if I can have sex with my boyfriend! What am I five? Why can't I make up my own mind on this!
"Paige?"
Whoops, I should really stop questioning myself in the middle of sentences.
"Right; um, well I just wanted to know if we were ever going to be able to… get serious without, um, without me backing away…"
"Well Paige, it is very common for people who have gone through sexual attacks to be afraid of intimacy. Don't pressure yourself into going further than you want. In the end, it's all up to you weather or not you're ready."
Thanks Ms. Lets-state-the-obvious, that was so helpful!
"Thanks Ms. Lets-state-the-obvious, that was so helpful!"
Double whoops… no make that triple. Lucky for me I know the perfect things to mutter.
"Pardon me Paige?"
"I said 'Thanks Ms. Suave. That was helpful.' But um, what if I feel ready, and then when I get to that point, I can't?"
"Well there could by many different reasons for feeling this way. Perhaps your subconscious is trying to protect you from getting hurt again. Maybe you don't believe that Gavin is the right person fo - -."
"Spinner IS the right person. I love him, and he loves me. Nothing else should matter… Nothing else does matter…"
A picture is worth a thousand words. If I had a picture of Ms. Suave's face when I said that, it would be worth ten times that.
"Well Paige, I think that you are the one who has the answers. You just haven't asked for your own advice."
"But Ms. Suave, I have asked. I've been trying to figure this out for the past week, and all that I've come up with is that I freak and can't go through with anything."
"Paige, sometimes you have to follow your heart more than your mind. This is one of those times where I can't make a decision for you. I can try my best to help, but in the end, it's up to you weather or not you're ready."
I put on my infamous Paige smile and pretended like I knew exactly what Ms. Suave was talking about. In all actuality though, I just wanted to smack her for forcing me to skip my Degrassi appearances to sit in silence driving myself crazy… at the same time though, I'm not quite sure I even wanted to be in the public eye.
"Sure, thanks Ms. Suave."
"No problem. Come back if you need anything. Ok Paige?"
"Yea. Bye."
Ok, so basically I just got the advice that I already had! I'm so glad that I don't have to pay for my visits!
"Paige! Hey, Paige! Wait up!"
What now? I complained to myself… I really had to stop complaining in my mind though. I so don't need another Suave incident! I turned to see Hazel running up to me with the biggest smile on her face, and a bouquet of roses in her arms.
"Aren't they just beautiful?"
"Precious, but who may I inquire are they from? Not a certain new student by any chance?"
"Nope, they're from Jimmy! We're back together!"
"What? When? How? Ok, you my friend are coming over tonight, because I need major details!"
"Perfect! We'll have a total girls' night."
I'm happy for Haze, I really am, and it's kind of nice to be happy again… Maybe girls' night will be the perfect thing to get my mind off of Spinner… on the other hand, Hazel will probably ask about Spinner and me… hmmm… I know! I'll invite Ashley. Then I'll have the perfect scapegoat.
"Yea, girls' night. Hey, maybe I should invite Ash too… yea, you know what, I'm gunna go find her."
If it were anybody else, I think that they would have noticed the anxiousness to get away bursting out of my voice, but Hazel was way too consumed with being lost in love with Jimmy. Now I just have to focus on finding Ash and convincing her to pry herself away from her "true" love… How ironic is it that Craig can even be put in the same thought as truth and pull it off! But hey, people can change right? And Ash does seem happy… Ha! I seem happy too.
She just needs a little help
To wash away the pain she's felt
She wants to feel the healing hands
Of someone who understands
"We have popcorn, ice cream, cookie dough, pancakes, chips, chocolate, and every imaginable form of party snack that I haven't mentioned!"
So here we are: Me, Hazel, Ashley, Ellie, and Alex. I know what you're thinking Ellie and Alex! But hey, it was a pair of Ashley's cheerleader somewhat-hating friends or spending the entire night with Hazel and Manny talking about boys, and guys, and what else… oh right, boys! I opted for the vamps. Besides, I started working with Alex last week, so I might as well not despise her very being… surprisingly we're getting along pretty well; nobody has died yet.
"I'll take it all" Ashley called to me as everybody walked into the kitchen to join me.
"Well won't you be little Ms. Piggy tonight!"
I tossed the last bag of chips left on the shelf down to her as stepped off of the ladder that I had been standing on.
"So why exactly are we all here Princess? I mean surely you could be out with the Chia Pet right now instead of having a cozy little get together."
Leave it to Alex to be snide to me in my own home.
"If you must know Alex, we're here because Hazel just got back together with Jimmy and we need to have a girls' night to celebrate."
And because I will die if I spend another night making out with Spinner in random places and then telling him that I'm 'not ready'. How long does it take a person to be ready? Great, now I sound like an entrée.
"Whatever, I'm sure you two will break up soon enough."
Alex took an apple from the fruit basket on the counter on started polishing it on her black wife beater as Hazel had that defeated look on her face.
"Alex what is your damage? You didn't have to come tonight, and you sure as hell don't have to stay! I'm going to the washroom. Make up your mind about either being a cruel wench out on the street or a friend here and stick by it!"
I'm not too sure why I blew up so bad on Alex. I mean other than that one comment she's actually been bearable all night… I guess I just needed somebody to yell at. God why does everything have to be so stupid! I'm hiding out on the floor of the washroom from my girls' night. Ok, deep breath. All I have to do is walk back downstairs and act perfectly perfect. So: stand, breathe, unlock the door, and walk. Alright, it's easy so far.
"Wow, if it isn't little Ms. Callous. I'm surprised you stayed."
Now who's being snide! Why do I always do this? Can't I just shut up for two seconds?
"Never mind that – I'm… glad. That, that you stayed…"
I could see the looks on everyone's faces turn to pure astonish. Even I'm stunned at the fact that I just apologized to ALEX of all people.
"Um, yea… thanks. I think."
"Fully. So where were we on the latest Degrassi gossip?"
"Well, we were gunna start playing dish. You in?"
Ashley gave me that 'don't worry' look as she asked the question, and so I walked over to my designated spot on the couch and plopped down.
"Definitely! The question is: who goes first?"
"Well, I'd say Hazel since she's the reason we're all here."
"Me? But I tell you guys everything. You know I can't keep secrets."
"True… Well how about you Ash."
Ellie looked over to Ashley while she asked the question that we were all trying to avoid.
"Well I guess I can't escape it now."
"Great! So, question number 1…"
Ellie was probably the one who asked the most questions during the entire game. Do you have a secret crush? Do you have a secret relationship? Tell us your most embarrassing moment. Typical high school truth game. Hazel basically sat and enjoyed the conversation (probably thinking of Jimmy the whole time) and I tossed remarks in here and there. Alex was the one who asked the real questions though. You had to give her points for being plucky enough to ask things that we all wanted to know but didn't want to ask. At the same time though, you had to be afraid that when it was your turn she was going to ask the same gutsy questions. Sure enough, I was the last the be on the stand, and Alex was ready with the juiciest inquiries. It took a few questions before Alex jumped in, but once she did it was like battle of the last samurai. I swear nobody made a single noise the entire time Alex was talking.
"So, Princess Paige are you as happy as you try to make us believe?"
I took in a huge breath and knew that I was going to have to tell the truth weather I liked it or not.
"No. Is anybody as happy as they make it seem?"
"Do you ever want to go to sleep and never wake up?"
"I want to go to sleep and never wake up dreading waking up."
"Are you and the furby really in love?"
"For high school. I haven't figured out what true love is yet, but until then, yes, Spinner and I are in love."
"Have you two love birds had sex?"
I closed my eyes for seemed like an eternity but was really just a second. The moment Alex asked that question I knew what her next one would be. No matter my answer, she was still going to ask me if I'm a virgin, and even though I could lie about that one too, the whole point of the game is to tell the truth. No matter who gets hurt, no matter what the outcome, you tell the truth. Sure, some, probably even most people lie about things that they don't want to face, but I've been running from the truth for so long sometimes I feel like I'll never have another truthful thought in my life. I just want to stop running; stop fighting; stop having to be this flawless person who doesn't even really exist. I know what I have to do, and for once I know exactly how to do it.
"No."
Wait for it. Wait for it.
"Are you a virgin?"
And there it is. I took a split second to glance around the room, and I could see everybody's faces frozen in shock. Ash had that look on her face like she just wanted to jump up and hug me to make it all better like when we were little kids and one of us dropped our ice cream in the sandbox or fell off the tire swing. I starred back into Alex's eyes. She had no such look.
"No."
I'm more than 100 positive that never in a million years would Alex have expected me to say no to that question. She probably figured that I was too scared to do anything with a guy (which ironically I am) or that if I had already lost my v-card that I wouldn't tell her the truth if my life depended on it.
"I think the temperature in hell just dropped a few hundred degrees. Did the prominent Paige Michalchuk just admit to having sex with somebody other than her lap dog Spinny-pooh?"
"Um Alex, I think we should stop playing now."
"Good idea Ellie. Uh, why don't you and Hazel go get some snacks, and Alex, Paige, and I will decide on a movie."
Ellie, Hazel, and Ashley started jumbling in all sorts of directions trying to avoid the potentially disastrous outcome of mine and Alex's game, but it didn't matter to me anymore. I had made up my mind, and for once I was going to stick with it.
"I met a guy from Bardell at a soccer game last year."
My eyes stayed glued on Alex's eyes as hers were on mine. Everybody else was seemingly frozen in their standing positions until slowly the replaced themselves to their spots around the foyer.
"Spinner scored the winning goal and all that he could think of was taking me out to watch a movie that Saturday. I said yes claiming that we were just friends but somewhat knowing that Spin obviously wanted more. That's when Hazel and I saw the guy getting on to his school bus. I ran over, knocked on the window and introduced myself. He made a flirtatious form of small talk by stating the obvious fact that I was a cheerleader, and I made the flirty response that I was head cheerleader and that we called it Spirit Squad. He said hi again, this time he called me spirit, and told me that his name was Dean. That's when the bus started to pull away and he invited me and Hazel to a party. We went shopping straight from Degrassi. I had to look perfect right? How stupid was I. That's when Spinner sent me a message saying that he was at the movie store and wanted to know if I had any requests. Brainless as I was I told him that my grandmother was in the hospital and so I had to cancel. Hazel and I finished our shopping and headed back to here so that we could get ready, and then we left to the party. Everything was perfect; the lights, the music, the people. Hazel and I were completely overdressed, but it didn't matter because I knew that it would make an impression. I strolled over to where Dean had gone off to and put myself right in the middle of the conversation. I had to catch his attention in more than one way right? So, he asked me if I was thirsty and ran over to get me something to drink. That's when one of his "friends" told me that I needed to stay away from him. I shrugged it off as jealousy because there was no way that anybody was going to ruin my perfect night. The girl left, Dean came back, and suddenly I had some sort of alcohol in my hands. Dean and I talked, and danced, and went out to the porch to talk some more. Once we had been out there for at least 5 of Dean's comments, Hazel tapped me on the shoulder and pointed over to the gate where Jimmy and Spinner were."
Stop. Just stop! Stop talking Michalchuk! Just stop talking and look away!
God, why am I doing this? Why am I going through this all again? Am I trying to prove something? To who, Alex! God, what's wrong with me? Why can't I just stop? Just stop talking, stop breathing, stop holding in all these tears! Just stop fighting!
Burning hot tears started to consume my vision. I looked at Hazel's worried face and then focused on the fireplace. The flames were so big; so bright. It seemed like my entire life was in that fire right now, and all I could do is sit, paralyzed.
"I said I wanted to go someplace more "private". That it was "so loud" and I wanted to talk."
I kept starring at those flames. The crimson red like the deepest blood from my body. Flickers of yellow and gleaming gold. Glimpses of royal blue that look like the fiery tears I force myself to trap within my shattered soul. I just couldn't hold on anymore. It was like I was trying to keep the ocean away from the shore. All those tears came overflowing from my eyes and never thought to cease. Suddenly nobody else was around me; nobody could be because I was surrounded by those knowing flames and I couldn't get out without being torched.
"My friend's room should be quiet… You are so cute… I kinda like it dark. I stumbled around in the room after he turned the lights off again and let him lead me over to where the window was. 'Well there's the door, that's the bed, and here's the party.' 'Why are we whispering?' 'Because my friend's a Neanderthal, so we don't want him to hear us right?' 'Right.' 'You are so gorgeous.' 'I am?' 'Yea.' He kissed me and then tossed me down onto the bed. He asked me if it was alright and at first I said no, but not even a second later I said yes. He started trailing kisses down my neck. I told him to take it slow. He slid his hand under my shirt and I just wanted to leave. I yelled at him that I had said 'slow' and he sat up, his legs still trapping me on the bed. He pulled a condom out of his pocket. I tried to get up, I did. But he was bigger than me; stronger. I was just so scared. He shook his head at me. Pushed me back down onto the bed. He started to kiss me again and I could feel the condom, still in its cold, sharp wrapper against my skin where he had his hand positioned on my waist. 'You're so tense. Just loosen up a little.' He put his hand back under my shirt and slid it around to my back where he unclasped my bra and shoved it off along with my new shirt. I guess he was smart enough to think of the fact that I would have to have left the room eventually and having my clothes torn and tear streaks on my face would be too obvious as to what happened. He had thought of everything though. He seemed to have it all planned. The exact moment he would unzip his pants… the exact moment he would rip the condom wrapper open with his teeth… the exact moment he would push up my skirt and remove my underwear. Even the EXACT moment he would DESTROY my entire life forever! He kept giving me that sleazy grin that I grew all too familiar with. I wanted to die, I felt that bad. Dean was taking a bulldozer to everything that I had built my ENTIRE life! For the first time in countless years I cried. God, if there was one thing I didn't want, it was for him to see me defeated. But he did. He saw. 'Come on Spirit. Don't cry. You know you want it.' The thing that made me feel like trash was that I did want it. Just not that night. Not upstairs in some unknown bedroom. Not after I'd only known Dean for an hour! He didn't even close the window… I said no over and over again…
I finally broke my teary stare-down with the fireplace and put my head in my hands just enough to wipe away the massive amount of tears that were staining my face. Everyone was silent. The only thing that I could hear was the crackle of the fire and the calm wind blowing against the windows. I looked up at Alex and began to speak once more.
"Is that what you wanted hear? Good!"
Before anybody could say a word a stormed up the winding stairs to my room and locked the door behind me. I sat in complete silence for about 5 minutes just trying to figure out what happened downstairs; trying to figure out what I was feeling. Sure, I could say that I was pissed to the point of no return for having to tell that terrifying story, but it was more than that. It was almost as if I felt… relieved. Like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Like I could finally live again. I turned to my side and grabbed the remote to my stereo from my nightstand and pressed the power button. It was almost as if my cd player knew what was going on, because the first song that I heard was the same one that I listened to when I first told Suave what happened. The lyrics meant everything to me… I even printed them out and put them on my wall.
"Someone ran away with her innocence, a memory she can't get out of her head… She wants someone to call her angel, someone to put the light back in her eyes… She just needs a little help, to wash away the pain she's felt, she wants to feel the healing hands, of someone who understands… take me away, and take me farther, surround me now… hold me like holy water…"
I sat on my bed clenching my pillow to my chest as I listened to that song to no end. The only thing that I could think was nothing at all. It was as if my entire life was just one long dream that I finally woke up from, and now I can't remember it. So I laid there, practically lifeless, and silently spoke the words that seemed to escape from my soul. After a while Ashley and Hazel gave small knocks on the door, but I just turned the volume up on my speakers and I'm pretty sure that they got the hint. About 15 minutes later I started to hear small crackles of noise on my window. At first I thought that I was hearing things, but soon they started getting closer and closer together. I walked over to the cushioned area of my tri-fold window and opened the glass while peaking my head out.
"Spinner?"
"I'm sorry Paige… You have no idea how sorry I am."
"For what? Almost shattering my window with rocks?"
"No, for not being there for you. I was selfish; I was selfish and stupid."
"Spinner what are you talking about?"
"I love you Paige Michalchuk, and I will wait for you my entire life if I have to!"
What is he talking about? I have to go down there… but everybody is downstairs… Hmm… I suppose I have a trellis for a reason…
You've got to love your parents for putting moderately easy escape routes directly next to your window! As soon as I got down to the ground Spinner ran straight towards me and hugged me as tight as he could without snapping me in half.
"Spin, what are you doing here? And what are you sorry for?"
"I'm here because I love you, and I want you to know that I will wait however long it takes for you to be ready to be with me. I'm sorry for everything that happened the other day."
"Spin, nothing happened."
"I know, and it's because you stopped me. Look, if you hadn't said anything I would have gone all the way with you last night, and it never would have dawned on me to ask weather or not you were ready. I wasn't thinking about how you felt, I was just thinking about what I wanted. And when I asked if you were ever going to be ready… you have no idea how mad I was when I left here. That's when I went over to Craig's and tried to use band practice as a form of 'energy release'."
I just stared at Spinner standing there right before me. I could hear the music that I had left blaring in my room through the still open window, and I could see the lights from my living room where everybody was probably getting ready to go to sleep. I don't know if it was just the music, and the stars, and that amazing Canadian scent, but never in my entire life have I felt more for Gavin Mason. Never.
"Look, I told Craig what happened and he told me I was an idiot. And I am! I mean how could I get mad at you for being scared when I'm scared too? Never again, ok? Never will I pressure you."
I stood there; still completely silent trying to figure out even the slightest sound to make.
"Ok, so you hate me for coming here, and you hate me for admitting that I was pissed last night."
Spinner started to walk away and before I could even think I grabbed his arm, turned him towards me, and gave him the most miraculous kiss either of us had ever had. Once we finally pulled apart I could see the completely shocked look on his face.
"I love you for coming here, and I love you for admitting that you were pissed, and I love you because you're not afraid to come and say the most amazing things to me knowing that I could drop you like a hot potato. Nobody has been there for me more than you have; nobody… And it's not that I didn't want to be with you, it's just that I didn't know how. I don't know how. I don't think that I ever will. That isn't what matters though, what matters is that you are everything to me… Everything! And I'm not trying to sound like one of those stupid 'I love you, but next week I'm going to break up with you' high school kids, because I have never felt this amazing before in my life, and I can finally think straight. Do you know what happened tonight? I told Ellie and Alex about Dean."
I could see the expression on Spinner's face downgrade as soon as I mentioned Dean, but I wasn't about to stop talking.
"Dean raped me. I will never get over that… but I will move on from it. Until tonight I told what, six people? I acted like it was some enormous secret like I had murdered somebody. I never realized that by telling just one more person I could feel so… so…"
"Free?"
I wrapped my arms around Spinner's neck and gave him a small kiss on the lips.
"See how well you know me Honeybee?"
"Just about as well as you know me pumpkin bunny."
"And I love it when you say pumpkin bunny even though you don't want to."
"I want to do anything that will make you happy."
"Who would have thought that you would be the one to help me live again?"
"You were always alive."
"Not like this. It was nothing like this."
I gave Spinner another one of our Hollywood kisses and in that moment, everything was as close to perfect as I believe possible. Of course it had to end sooner or later; I just wish that Spin's boss hadn't called him into work. Off he went as I stood outside at about midnight just looking at the breathtaking stars and thinking about what mesmerizing thing just happened. Like I told Spinner, life isn't measured by how many breaths you take, but by how many moments take your breath away. This was definitely one of those breath-taking moments.
And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me
And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water
I walked back into the house about 15 minutes after Spinner left. Everybody was still awake and apparently worrying about me because when I walked into the room everyone jumped up and came over to me; Hazel and Ashley getting dibs on the hugs. Hazel was the first one to talk.
"Paige we all thought that you were up in your room. We can still hear that power ballad blasting through the house!"
"Oh, right… the stereo."
"Paige are you alright?" Typical Ashley question, but hey, you had to love the girl for her persistence.
"I'm fine. Better than fine actually."
I made my way over to the couch and sat down while everybody else followed.
"Um, Paige? Did you come in from the backyard?"
"Ellie, quite the little detective aren't you? How ever could you tell?"
"I think what El meant was that you locked yourself in your room and we've been down here the whole time. How did you get from your room to outside without us seeing?"
"Yea, and most importantly, why?"
"Well Ashley to answer your question, I climbed down the trellis. And Alex, fun little truth game Alex; Spinner wanted to talk."
It seemed that everybody went off at the same time.
"Spinner!"
"Um ok, you guys he is my boyfriend you know."
"Well it's just, why would he come here now?"
"Because it's what boyfriends do when they need to talk."
"Well princess, it seems like you have yourself a pretty good boyfriend. The only reason why Jay would stop by my house this late at night would be to get gas money or something!"
Alex took a seat next to me on the couch, and for once it felt as if she honestly connected with me.
"Aw, poor Lexi; can't seem to find a good man who's willing to steal her anniversary present!"
Everybody started laughing for probably the first time that night.
"Ok, so Jay isn't exactly the king of romance-"
"Hun he isn't even the jester!"
"I get it alright! But he cares about me…"
"I guess that's something we all have in common… You have Jay, Haze has Jimmy, Ash has Craig, and El has Sean…"
"I guess so… But let's just get one thing straight Ms. Royalty."
"And what would that be?"
"You are only to call me 'Lexi' when we're at work! I don't want people to start thinking that we're friends or anything."
"Well in that case Lexi, I guess I should get my usage of it in right now since everybody in this room has already heard it."
"Ok, stop with the sentimental jokes before I trade the two of you to Hallmark! I'm gunna go get some munchies, you guys better not be making out when I get back!"
Everyone started laughing again, and then we all started to get up to go help Hazel with the snacks. Once Ellie and Ashley had left, Alex and I were close behind, but Lexi stopped me.
"Hey look Paige, I know that we're not exactly 'best friends' but what you told me… You don't have to worry about it getting out."
"Thanks."
Alex gave me an astoundingly kind smile and continued on to the kitchen while I stood still for just a moment. I used to think that there was no way to get out of this routine; now I realize that the whole time all I had to do want it. I was stuck hating my life, but it was because I wasn't truly living it. Paige Michalchuk was trapped inside that room with Dean; now she's finally free again…
I could hear everybody in the kitchen arguing over who got what, and I knew that I was finally going to be ok.
"I got dibs on the cheesecake!"
Hmm… cheesecake? This IS my house right?
"Not so fast Ms. Nash!"
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water