Sorry

"Oh, just drop it, Evans!"

James' voice cut through my shrill shouts and she instantly froze. Evans? He hadn't called her that since the beginning of Sixth Year, over a year ago, when she'd told him to please call her Lily from now on.

"W-what?" She managed to squeak out, her train of thought and arguments completely going out the window.

"You heard me." His voice was deathly quiet and low, his voice gritting, his expression stony, his eyes flashing with obvious anger. Thank Merlin they were alone. She didn't know if she handle the embarrassment if they'd been surrounded by people.

She hadn't lashed out at him in months so that in and of itself would have been enough to a draw a crowd. But he had never – never – responded like this. Her screaming had always been brushed off with an arrogant, self-confident laugh or, if he had been really annoyed, he would even yell right back at her, both of their faces turning red and hexes flying. But she had never made him truly angry, truly furious.

Until now.

She couldn't even remember what had happened to spark up this argument. She didn't want to. She just wished she could take it all back, take back the mean, mean words she had uttered and the shoves and slaps against his chest.

He was getting angrier now, struggling to form coherent thoughts, let alone sentences.

"If that's really how you think about me – I just! I thought you – I know I have – I thought we both changed, I thought we both grew out of that awkward stage where we could only express our emotions through hexing and teasing and pushing! Apparently I was wrong."

Lily wanted to correct him, tell him that he was right, they had matured. She had just let that little monster instead her get the best of her. She wanted to apologise, tell him she didn't mean any of it, she'd been having a shitty week and took it all out on him and he deserved better than that and she was sorry. So sorry.

But her words stuck in her throat.

"Nothing to say then, Evans? I guess that's it, then." James shook his head, disappointed, and walked away from her, defeated, for the first time in the history of Hogwarts.

She tried to call him back, tried to say his name, say something, say anything. But she just couldn't.

She stood there, her mouth slightly agape and her face burning with embarrassment even though nobody was there to witness it. He turned the corner at the end of the corridor, vanishing out of sight, not turning around once to look back at her. A choked sob escaped her lips and she wanted to leave this place, get somewhere safe and comforting, but her legs felt like cement and she couldn't move.

Merlin knows how long she stood there until finally, hearing approaching footsteps, she gasped for air and, tears still running down her face, escaped to the Hogwarts common room. She rushed past Marlene, mumbling an incoherent "donwantalkboutit", and made a beeline for her dorm and her bed.

Not really knowing how, she ended up at dinner a few hours later and sitting down nervously across from James Potter and his best mate Sirius Black.

James, glancing up at her briefly, immediately turned to Sirius and announced, "Sorry, mate, my appetite disappeared. Off to do some work." He stood up, clapping Sirius on the back and walking out of the Great Hall without so much as another look at her.

Lily watched him helplessly before turning back to Sirius, who, she was startled to find, wasn't glaring at her.

"Sirius…" she started feebly.

"Look, Evans," he cut her off and again she couldn't help but notice the strange use of her surname.

"No, you look, Sirius!" She cried suddenly, leaving over the table and staring intently at him. Aware of the looks she got, she backed off a little, trying to compose herself. "I… I didn't mean anything I said and I-I don't know how to talk to J-James. I re-really fancy him, y'know…" She trailed off helplessly.

"No, actually, I don't know. You've certainly never showed any signs of attraction before." He stated accusingly.

"I know, I know. I was… I was too proud. I made a mistake and I'm trying to fix it and I didn't mean to blow up at him and-"

Here he cut her off. "Look, Lily," she gladly noted the return of her given name, "you're telling all this to the wrong bloke. James may be really angry right now but I know he still fancies you. And I feel obligated to tell you that he's a right idiot for that, in my humble opinion."

She couldn't help but agree, nodding slightly. "I've been a prat."

He couldn't help but agree, nodding whole-heartedly. "So go tell him."

Lily looked at Sirius, determination suddenly shining through her watery, bloodshot eyes. She mumbled her thanks as she stood up and tried to carry herself out of the Great Hall with dignity before practically sprinting to Gryffindor Tower and up the steps to the boys' dormitories.

Standing in front of James' door though, she hesitated. How would she possibly start this conversation? 'Oh yeah, James, sorry I'm such a hypocritical prat, let's snog now, yah?' Somehow she didn't think that would go over all that well.

She forced herself to knock anyway, despite the overwhelming feeling of nausea.

After a few terrible moments, he opened the door. If he was surprised to see her, he didn't show it.

"Evans?" He prompted after a few minutes of her not saying anything.

"Can I-Can I come in?"

For a few seconds he didn't respond and she felt sick to her stomach, sure that he would say no or, even worse, simply close the door in her face. But then he sighed, his face looking weary, and opened the door wider.

"If you must," he sighed as she feebly entered his room.

"Yes, James, I must." She turned to look at him and couldn't help but notice that his eyes were red. Had he been crying? She prayed to Merlin she hadn't actually made him cry.

"Look…" she began. "I came to apologise."

"Yeah, well, maybe it's a bit too late for that."

"I really, really hope it's not. I didn't mean anything that I said."

He massaged his temples with his fingers, sighing heavily, before turning to look at her once again, a look of pure frustration on his face.

"Then why did you say them?"

She had the decency to look ashamed. "I know it's no excuse, but I've just been having a bloody awful week, I got a horrid grade on my Transfiguration essay, I accidentally charmed by toes purple – which, by the way, still hasn't faded – and I got caught sneaking into the kitchens the other night and now have detention with Filch and on top of that, I just found out that my sister didn't bother telling me that she's getting married next week. I've only even met her whale of a fiancé once! It's just… I'm so stressed and I've been really upset and you're the one that happened to be there when I exploded. It really could've been anyone, James, and I'm so, so sorry it was you because you're the one person I really don't to fuck things up with."

He was looking at her curiously.

"Look, Lily, I'm sorry about your sister and your crappy week. But I really thought we were past you taking out your aggressions on me. It's-it's really not fair to me, cos most of the time I'm willing to stand by and let you scream and shove at me. But I just… I can't take it anymore."

"What are you trying to say James?" She was sniffling again, sure she was about to start crying if he was saying what he thought she was.

"I'm… I'm always going to fancy you, Lily, you'll always mean a lot to me. But I can't handle your moods anymore. Sometimes you're great to hang around with, other times you're a right prick. I can't be your friend anymore if that's the way it's going to be."

Lily couldn't help it. She started crying again. She was mortified and tried to stifle the sobs, which only made them that more pronounced.

"Oh bollocks!" She heard him mumble as he awkwardly enveloped her in a hug.

She didn't know how long they stood like that before he hesitantly led her to his bed and sat them down.

She didn't know how long they sat like that before she dragged him down with her so that they were laying there, her head still on his chest, his arms still encircling her, tears still streaming down her face.

Finally, she managed to squeak out a shaky, "James?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm so sorry."

"I know. Me too."

"You don't understand."

"Understand what?"

"I don't want to be friends with you, either."

He drew back from her, a startled look on his face.

"What the-what? What was the past year, then? Have you-have you been playing with me?" He looked so hurt and confused and she just needed to get rid of that look right now.

"No!" She pulled him into a rough, awkward hug.

He didn't object, though she knew he was still more than confused.

"I fancy you, James." She whispered. She could barely bring herself to say the words, scared of what would happen, but she knew she had to.

He again drew back from her, another startled look on his face. But this one was also hopeful. A slow grin started to form on his face as he absorbed what she said.

And suddenly he was leaning in and she was leaning in and their faces were so close and she could feel his breath on her cheek and now his lips were pressing up against hers, softly, slowly, carefully. She pressed back, moving her lips against his, and she could feel him smile against her mouth and couldn't help but smile back.

It wasn't a passionate kiss, it wasn't full of pent-up lust and love and sexual tension, it didn't knock her off her feet and leave her chest heaving. It was sweet and simple. It was a first kiss between two awkward, nervous teenagers. It was perfect.

She couldn't help but smile shyly at him as he pulled back and he couldn't help but grin at her.

"James?" She asked coyly, looking down at their hands as his fingers entwined themselves with hers.

"Yes, Lily?"

"Go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?"

I'm really stressed this week and wrote this as a kind of release of a bit of tension. Not sure if I really like it, but it's something. I'm pretty sure there's also a lot of typos in there, I wrote it rather quickly and frantically, so if you see anything really offensive, lemme know. Review? (: