The first breath hurts the most. At least, that's what I think as I draw it. But with the second breath comes the guilt. EDI, the Geth, the Mass Relays, what have I done? I think as i start to lose consciousness again.
"You saved the galaxy Shepard," a soft voice says in my ear.
"EDI?" I try to say, but my body wins over my mind and the world fades away.
I can't tell you when I next wake up. It could have been minutes or hours, but wake up I do. It reminds me of something Zaeed said to me once. "It's amazing what you can survive when you're stubborn enough." That was in reference to me surviving my ship blowing up and being spaced in the process. My prospects don't look much better this time around. Last time Cerberus rebuilt me. This time I wiped them out a few minutes before the Reapers.
"Nice one Shepard," I manage to croak through my damaged windpipes. I attempt to roll onto my back. Through sheer dumb luck I landed in a small pocket of space in the debris. There are two columns above me that crashed into each other and are now holding each other up, giving me about 2 feet of space above my head. I'm surrounded by rubble on all sides.
I manage to turn to my back and stare upwards, not seeing anything. I'm alive, I think to myself. Why the hell am I alive? What's the point? I destroyed the Reapers, I saved the galaxy, I did my damn job. Don't I deserve a rest? There's nothing left for me. I killed EDI, I betrayed Legion, my entire family died on Mindoir where I was the only survivor left in the whole colony. It's a pattern really, I was also the only survivor on Akuze, where the rest of my squad was killed by thresher maws. I get it. I'm a survivor. But, seriously, don't I deserve a rest?
And then the flash of a face comes to me. Strong, handsome, with warm brown eyes, dark brown hair, and the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. Kaidan. My Kaidan. My soft place to land. The man who waited two years for me, even though he thought me dead. It destroyed him every day, but he simply couldn't bring himself to forget me. The one who said he couldn't survive losing me again. The one I promised to come back to. The one who promised to wait until I did. It's true, I've earned a rest, but what I've earned even more is a life with him.
"She's not dead!" I yell at them. We're all still standing around the memorial wall and I can tell they're worried about me, but I don't care. I won't put her name up there. She's still alive. I know it. I can feel it.
"Dude, Kaidan, I know how you feel. I just had to put EDI's name up there," says Joker, stopping to clear his throat and blink back tears. I try to soften my voice for him.
"Joker, I know you're grieving and I'm sorry EDI's gone, but Shepard isn't. We need to go find her." They look at me like I've lost my mind.
"Kaidan..." Liara steps towards me, her arm outstretched. I yank my own away from her.
"You don't get it! Last time I was told she was dead I just accepted it. I mourned her, but I didn't investigate. And she was alive! She was unconscious on a Cerberus operating table, but she was alive. If i had only gone looking for her, I would have found her."
"Kaidan, a top secret organization had her body as their most tightly guarded secret while they attempted to rebuild her. How could you have possibly found her?" asks Garrus.
"Because I loved her, even then. Nothing in the world could have kept me from her if I simply bothered to look!" I'm yelling again, but I can't help it. They don't understand.
There's a pattern that's been forming in my mind. I believed in Shepard when we went up against Saren. I trusted her when we stole the Normandy and together we saved the galaxy, albeit temporarily. I didn't dig into her death, didn't go looking for her body, and she ended up in Cerberus hands. I can only imagine how thrilled she must have been to hear she was indebted to the organization that killed her entire squad on Akuze.
I found her again on Horizon, and instead of grabbing her and never letting her go, I picked a fight. I didn't believe in her, I didn't trust her, and I sure as hell didn't like the looks the green guy in back of her was shooting her way. She told me she wasn't with Cerberus, that she was after the Collectors, she begged me to help her, but instead I turned away and called her a traitor.
So off she went to save the galaxy for a second time, on the definition of a suicide mission, this time without me. I nearly lost her again. And not just from the Collectors either. I got that note from Thane, telling me what a lucky man I am. When he made a move on her she told him things were still complicated between us, and he respected her wishes. I still don't like the guy, and don't even get me started on Garrus.
Next they had her locked up on ridiculous charges, staying in the same damn city as me on Earth and I didn't even bother trying to see her. Why? Because I'm a coward. I couldn't bear to look in her eyes and no longer see the love I feel reflected out of them. Then I was walking out of my meeting with the defense committee and I saw her. She was more beautiful than I remembered, but she was shaking hands with James Vega, and giving him that smile. I know James Vega, and there isn't a woman he's met he hasn't tried to get into bed. And from what I hear he usually succeeds.
I called her name and she looked at me with timid hope in her eyes, telling me how glad she was to see me before going to see the defense committee, leaving me with James.
"You know the Commander?" he asked. Obviously she didn't give him the same speech she gave Thane.
"I used to," I replied, refusing to look him in the eyes. Then all hell breaks loose and we're racing to the Normandy, rescuing Shepard and leaving Anderson behind. When James questioned her actions and she exploded on him I knew I was wrong. There's no way she was sleeping with him. I watched her in action, prepping her armor and weapons, feeling something akin to hope that maybe there was still a chance for us after all.
Then we get to Mars and my pattern of being a dumbass continued. Cerberus was there. I know she blew up the Collectors' base and told the Illusive Man to go to hell, but the first thing out of my mouth once we were out of combat is a thinly veiled accusation that she's working for them. James butts in and tells me she's had no communications at all while in lock up, but it was the look of exhausted betrayal she gave me that convinced me. She asked for my trust but I was saved having to answer by Liara crashing through the ceiling.
I nearly died that day, and my last words to her would have been accusing her of being a Cerberus husk. So when I asked her to come see me in the hospital I knew what a bastard I had been. But I was still a coward. So I held her hand and told her that I cared when I wanted to pull her into me and declare that I love her.
Last but not least was the Cerberus attack on the citadel. She came charging out to the shuttle telling us Udina has betrayed us, and I pulled a gun on her. Udina was yelling at me that she's with Cerberus and the look in her eyes tells me this time would be one too many. I had a choice to make and this time I chose Shepard. I finally trusted her, I finally believed in her, and together we saved the day again.
She promised she'd be waiting for me. Told me I better show up, and I plan on trusting her. If I had only looked for her three years ago I wouldn't have spent the following two in a pain filled daze, trying not to cry whenever someone mentioned her name. She's out there, she needs me, and this time I plan on showing up!
It isn't until I hear the dead silence around me that I realize I said all that out loud. Garrus is trying very hard not to make eye contact, James has that smirk on his face, and Traynor is looking at me with pity. Liara, however, looks determined.
"Ok Kaidan," she says. "Let's go get her."
"Um," says Tali. "There's the little issue of getting the engines working."
"Come on Tali," says Adams. "With you, me, Donnelly, and Daniels we'll have them up and running in no time."
"And how are we supposed to get all the way to the Citadel?" James asks. "Or have you forgotten all the Mass Relays exploded?"
"Foolish human, they did not explode," sneers Javik. "They are merely damaged. In my cycle, they would be repaired already. And besides, the Reapers moved the Citadel next to your Earth."
"Fine. How are we supposed to make it back to Earth then?"
"We're actually only two or three systems away from Earth. Using FTL travel we can be there in a matter of days," says Joker. I flash him a grateful smile he doesn't return. "Besides, I have some things to say to Shepard myself."