I was originally going to make this a humorous little Ryou and Bakura piece. However, I eventually decided it would be a lot funnier if I centered it around Marik and Bakura – for reasons which will soon become bleedingly obvious to you. And, yes, Marik is the yami. I call the hikari Malik.
I rated this Mature just to be on the super-safe side. There is not much cursing. Not too worried about that. However, the content, until you know what is being spoken about... I am concerned if I rate it any lower the site might delete my account. I think it probably better qualifies for a T rating, but... just not willing to chance it.
The title for this story comes from the exclamation, said the actress to the bishop, which is said for humor purposes after an inadvertent use of a double entendre. I thought it most befitting for this piece. I believe it is also British in origin. Even more befitting!
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. Except the kinkified device Bakura is using. If I did own anything written about in here, it would be Bakura, and more than that device would be kinkified. Oh, wait. Bakura is just naturally kinkified. Nevermind.
Said the Actress to the Bishop
By: Creature of Habit
Marik quirked a brow, gazing down the long hall. At the end of that hall was a dark walnut door, framed in white-washed trim, which had been carefully painted by the more persnickety of the two occupants of the home just last month. Mind you, it was not some secret interior decorating fetish that had the lavender-eyed man studying this picture like one would gape a Picasso painting.
"Marik!" The slight British accent hissed.
It was that.
Casting a wary, uncomfortable glance about his person, the spiky-haired blonde quietly raised from the couch. He crept, socked feet silent over the elaborate, ivory runner, between the narrow, pale blue walls, until he reached his destination. Eyes fixated toward the other end of the hall, just in case, he lifted a bronze knuckle to rap the hard wood.
Or, he would have. Before he could get that far, however, the door parted, a pale hand darted out to grab the front of his shirt, and Marik was very unceremoniously yanked into the bathroom. Sneaking up on a thief was like trying to catch a weasel asleep. It could not be done.
Muffled grunting and mild sounds of some sort of scuffle. This was what Ryou heard as he entered his living room this afternoon. Not entirely strange, considering he did live with Bakura. However... the crunch of the chip bag hitting the carpet made him jump. The caramel-skinned hikari behind him appeared equally intrigued. Malik and Marik being present did make the situation a bit more complex.
"Where is Marik?" Perhaps suspicious would have been a better descriptor.
Malik, lavender eyes narrowing in contempt, opened his mouth, presumably in an attempt to rouse his psychotic yami. Whatever he was about to scream died on his tongue, innocent thoughts that Marik and Bakura were just flooding the tub once again gone, as the mumbled conversation behind the bathroom door became startlingly audible.
"Not like that!"
"Let go of my head, Marik!"
"But, you're not positioned right!"
"I'm positioned just fine!"
"Yes, if you want to get it all over your face, you are!"
"Marik, if I have to tell you one more time to get your fingers out of my hair, I'm going to bite the damn thing off!"
"Bakura, I know what I'm talking about... Malik and I do this all the time... "
Malik slapped a hand over his mouth, flushing a dark shade of red. Oh, my Ra. No he did not.
"And I've watched Ryou do it a thousand times. So?"
Ryou elected to let his hair hide his blush while he politely stared at the carpet. Wow. Awkward.
"Well, if you've watched Ryou do it so much, how the hell can you not know what you're doing?"
"Because actually doing it is a little bit different than watching it be done, idiot!"
Something clattering, followed by a loud thud.
"What happened to the cushioned toilet lid?"
"I broke it."
"Coming from you, that, strangely, makes sense."
"Just shut up, sit still, and let me do this!"
"Wait... you're not..." A gasp.
A low growl.
"There, that's better." A sigh.
"..."
"No, tilt your head more...good, yeah, there you go." A satisfied sigh. "Lower... perfect."
Another growl.
"Hold on, wait..." The voice uneven, the pitch rising. "Bakura, you're gonna..." A hard gasp.
"Gah!..." A thump, a bit of choking, and a lot of spitting. "Shit, Marik! What the fuck did I tell you about grabbing my head!" More spitting and gagging.
"Well, if you had been doing it right, I wouldn't have needed to!"
"Well, if you would have kept your damn hands off my head I would have been able to do it right!" Intermittent spitting. "Ra-damn it!" Coughing, more spitting. "Ack! Salty!"
"Oh, come on, it' doesn't taste that bad."
"Fine, then you drink it!"
"Hey! Don't spit that at me!"
"It doesn't taste that bad, remember?"
"Bakura, you spit at me one more time, and I swear to Ra, I'll shove the whole thing down your throat!"
As the bathroom door was swung open, the scene was hardly what Ryou and Malik had expected to find. Marik was on his hands and knees, burgundy towel in one hand, wiping water from the floor tiles. Bakura was standing at the marble sink, upon which rested a small white tub of salt and a dark brown vial of herbal wash, the tomb robber holding in his right hand a small, white ceramic vessel, that looked not unlike a tiny genie lamp.
Ryou's Neti Pot.
Bakura had just been trying to cleanse his sinuses.
"Oh, thank Ra." Malik sighed, laughing, hand to his forehead as his slid down the door frame to the floor.
"What?" Marik smirked, cleaning up the last of the water Bakura had spilled from the pale green tiles. "Thought we were doing something naughty in here, did you? You pervert." The yami snickered, snapping the hand towel at his hikari.
"Oh, shut up!" Malik grinned, snatching the towel from Marik and snapping it back at him. He was too relieved to be angry right now. And, yes, he knew precisely what was going to happen to him after he slapped Marik with that towel.
A thump and a yelp echoed through the house as Marik tackled his giggling hikari in the living room.
"Bakura..." The hurt in the dark chocolate eyes was evident, as Ryou walked to stand next to his yami. "If you wanted to know how to use this, why didn't you just come and ask me?" Yes. Why had he gone to Marik instead of him?
Bakura frowned, staring out the opposite corner of his eye.
Oh. Now he understood.
Ryou sighed, wrapping his arms around Bakura's waist, pressing his forehead to that of the other so he could look at him. "Kura, not knowing how to do something does not make you incompetent in my eyes. Good grief, it would be a lie for you to tell me you knew everything about everything."
Bakura narrowed his eyes. "But, I am a liar."
"Not with me you're not." Ryou smiled.
Bakura scowled. "Oh, shut up." His features noticeably softened as he leaned in to drop a soft kiss on his hikari's lips. "Come on." He growled, grabbing one of the pale hands and leading them toward the open bathroom door. "Let's go round up those two psycho's before they destroy our house."
"Right." Ryou grinned. "That's your job."
FIN
Why is it that when we cannot see people talking we always assume the perverted? Strange race humans are.
I introduce to you... the kinky Neti Pot! Kidding. Just Neti Pot. Why? Because it is what inspired this story. What in the name of Sam Hill is a Neti Pot? An old, yet simple, device used to cleanse the sinuses. Looks sort of like a tiny genie lamp. You mix together salt and warm water, pour it into the pot, and then proceed to pour this through your nostrils. Not as gruesome as it sounds.
Yes. I know. I have a very weird imagination.
The ending to this turned out pretty cute, I think. Short, but very sweet. I had no idea what I wanted to do with it... so I just handed it over to Ryou and let him work his magic. And, once more, Marik has my favorite line. "Thought we were doing something naughty in here, did you? You pervert." Heh. I can so easily see him saying something like that to Malik. Overall... I think this came together rather well.
I would appreciate your reviews!