Author's Note: As I had noted in my profile, I made it my prerogative to complete As I Muse Away this month, not just for me but really, for the dedicated readers. The changes which transpired with this decision, however, were great as they were drastic. For one thing, this obviously isn't the four chapter original (the original, actually, has been deleted), but it is, however—and I hope this makes people happy—finished. When I came back to try and complete the original, I realized the story was going a place totally different from where I had originally intended it to be and this was one of the main reasons why I rewrote the story. Those familiar with the original will find similar concepts here that were also in the first, and that is why I have kept the same title (even if the story is no longer in first person/present tense). Now, I don't know whether I've done the story justice or not—you may even prefer the original to this—but I truly hope you enjoy this fic. Comments, questions, and constructive criticism are always welcome and very much appreciated.
As I Muse Away
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Dark and cold.
She sat there—on the grass. Alone.
Oh, was it ever so dark and cold…?
Her arms wrapped stiffly around her legs and her hands were linked together by cold, entwined fingers. She sat there, quite reminiscent of a stone—unmoving, expressionless—watching the passing clouds with vacant eyes. Even the thought of grass stains, which were, undoubtedly, beginning to make ruin of her new mini-skirt, was unable to move her from her stationary position.
No. At this moment, she was much too consumed with other, more pressing thoughts…
That of her own worth.
How unimportant… How utterly unimportant.
Her once stone-like face then shifted—lips falling into a tight frown, eyebrows furrowing to dig two parallel wrinkles in her forehead.
Sadness. Resentment. Doubt. These were the thought's—no, the poison's—effects.
Alone and empty you are, Mai Valentine. Life wants to be so dark and cold.
She sighed.
It was just one of those ditches, she'd say. Just one of those dips on Life's crazy roller-coaster ride. Granted, she'd experienced more lows than highs in her lifetime—but she could always make due. But recently… she found herself slipping more frequently into the lows during the daily humdrum of living, and she couldn't ignore the pressing feeling that each time she delved into those depths, she found herself falling lower and lower and…
Why?
She wanted to know.
But she neither focused on the question nor the search for the question's answer. In times before she had learned that the pursuit of either of these only led her train of thought to a frustrating dead end.
So, then, she found herself instead diverting her attention towards the sky—bright, as it was still midday, and blue, since the clouds were billowy and white.
Looking upon the blissful picture, such a contrast to that of her own soul, brought strange thoughts into her head.
If only I could evaporate into one of those clouds… She thought, her face slowly softening. Be a cloud… (And here she cracked a small, almost wry, smile.) Even they serve a purpose.
Then, she began to reflect upon the importance of clouds—of how they function as giant water jars (holding rain in their large, gray bellies until they burst when full) and how not only are they a source of life-giving rain, but also a source of heart-lightening amusement.
Amusement… Something she was very much in need of.
So Mai squinted her eyes and strained her perception as she struggled to make out some kind of animal or human or chimerical creature etched in the cottony cloud puffs.
She tried very hard, but to no avail.
A sudden rush of disappointment filled her lungs, and she felt herself ready to scream.
"What's wrong with me?"
She expected the ground to swallow her up; she expected to be expunged from the world's surface for her abnormality and lack of use… Surely, of all things, she never would have expected…
"Uh, Mai…? You need some help?" A sandy-haired boy was hovering over her, wearing the most quizzical expression.
…him.
For a split second she felt her heart leap, but she was quick—and before she herself knew what had occurred, she pushed the meddling hear right back down from where it came so that it almost felt as if no emotion was stirred at all.
Mai soon found herself once again frowning. "Just when you thought life couldn't bring you any lower," she muttered into her knees.
"Hmm…?" The boy placed a hand against his ear and leaned in closer, "Did you say something?"
Realizing that he wouldn't leave without some kind of answer, Mai responded to the boy with a leveled tone, but not without first sending him a slightly peevish glare. "No, Joseph, and thank you—but I don't need assistance." She felt as if she wanted to leave, but instead found herself being poked by a protruding question she couldn't get free of—
"And exactly what are you doing here?" She inwardly winced—that had come out more rudely than anticipated…
But he let it pass.
"We're having a picnic," and he jutted a thumb over to where Téa, Yugi, and Tristan were just beginning to decorate the wooden table into what would be the setting place for their lunch, "And I just thought—"
Out of all the picnic spots in the entire park…
Mai shook her head, "Not hungry, thanks."
Joey stared at her for a moment before switching his gaze towards the sky, "Actually, I just thought you looked lonely." The response was nonchalant and made after he had shoved his hands into his jeans pockets, "Thought you needed, you know, some company."
There was a long pause—long enough to make the boy look at the woman who was sitting there, hugging her knees tightly with her bare arms—silent. And even though he was standing there next to her, he wondered if his words had even reached her. In reality, however, it was those very words which she was mulling over slowly in her head.
But she couldn't wrap her fingers around the thought that he sincerely cared for her.
At last, she spoke, staring at him with penetrating eyes, "Now really, Joey—why did you come here? Hm? The real reason."
It was enough to make the boy stagger backwards. "What! Is that anyway to treat a guy who came all the way from the other side of this hill just to see you?"
Mai smiled, but one couldn't guess the sadness that smile held, "'Just?' Come on, Joey." She winked, "You forget—I know you."
The younger boy grinned slyly before taking a seat next her on the grass. "Then I guess you don't know me very well."
Mai couldn't help but laugh to herself. Oh, I bet he must think he's soo smooth.
She tucked away her smile and began again, "All right then, Joseph. You came here because you thought I needed company, but what if I told you that I wanted to be alone?"
The boy fell on his back and stared up at the wandering masses of cloud. "That may have been the case—but not right now… and not with you."
"Oh?" and she frowned a bit that he imagined he could read her so easily, "And how would you know this?"
"Because I know you, Mai."
"…You're mocking me."
"No, I'm being serious."
"Joey, when are you ever serious?"
"When it counts."
"Let me guess… like now?"
"Exactly… like now."
There was a pause as the winds shifted their direction.
"Hey, Mai—look," and he pointed up at the sky, "It's a star."
She looked at him quizzically, "Joey, it's still noon. There aren't any stars out yet."
He grinned widely, "Shows where you're wrong—it's right there." And he pointed straight above him.
Mai let out an exasperated sigh, "And you call yourself 'serious.'"
"What, you don't see it?"
She searched again, "Are you talking about the sun?"
"No. This star's white."
She was beginning to grow flustered, until it finally struck her and she immediately grew morose. "You're talking about the clouds, aren't you?"
"Yup."
She turned her neck slightly to the left and peered down at his mesmerized face. So childlike, so carefree.
"Sorry to disappoint you, Joseph, but I'm no good at this game."
He immediately shot up from his laid-back position and stared at her, befuddled. "That's impossible! Everyone can play."
Mai looked away, "Maybe, but then again, I'm not 'everyone,' now am I?" His unbelieving face made her continue, "Really. It's no big deal."
"So let me get this straight," Joey started. "You're telling me you can't see that star." He pointed to the cloud. She didn't move her eyes from his face, all she said was, "Yes."
He grabbed her hand and lifted straight, as if it were trying to reach the heavens. She was shocked at first this abrupt and forward move, but slowly she began to see why. He made all her fingers close into a fist save her pointer finger and then began to direct her hand in a smooth and gentle motion in an outline of a five-pointed star.
"There… now do you see it?"
Mai wasn't sure what to be more amused about—the fact that he actually made her see a night star in the daylight sky or the fact that he was holding her hand so comfortably.
She fixed her gaze toward him and smiled a teasing kind of smile—the kind of smile that says, "I've come across your secret and really—it's positively delightful. But no need to worry, I promise. It's very safe with me."
He read this message immediately and, almost instantaneously, released her hand and blushed awkwardly.
He coughed, "Well?" Pink still stained the tips of his cheeks.
"Well, I don't know… I didn't see a star, if that's what you mean," and she stole a quick look at his puzzled face before continuing, "I think it was more like a rollercoaster."
He blinked, looking at her incredulously. "A rollercoaster?" and he scoured the sky for a tortuous cloud, "Where did you get that?"
Mai smiled elusively, "What? You mean you don't see it? It's right over there…" And she moved her finger against the air in an undulating fashion.
He couldn't see it. He tilted his head to the right and to the left, but without luck.
Mai continued after a pause, tapping her lips with her forefinger, "Don't you at least see me?"
And from the look in his eyes, one could only deduce that he had only grown even more befuddled, "No…where are you?"
Suddenly there came a loud shout from atop the hill.
"Hey, Joey!" Tristan called out jovially, "Quit flirting and get your sorry butt over here before there's no more food left!"
The blonde was quick to his feet as he shoved a fist in the air and barked back, "I'll be there in a second! Lay off!"
"All right, all right," Tristan shrugged his shoulders indifferently and began his descent down the hill, "But just remember, I warned you—"
As soon as the figure of his friend disappeared, Joey turned apologetically back to Mai, scratching the back of his head, face streaked crimson, "Hey—sorry about that. The nerve, right?"
She made no response, and he watched her sitting form once again before continuing, "Well, Mai, I guess I'll see you later, then."
"What?" As soon as those words reached her ear, she whirled around and met his gaze with an almost pained expression, "You're leaving?"
Seeing this reaction made him devious. "Is that a problem?" He smirked, "I thought you wanted to be alone."
"No. I never said that." And she stood up, crossing her arms, "I said 'what if' I told you I wanted to be alone—I never told you I did."
But the blonde-haired boy continued grinning, "But that still makes me right—you didn'twant to be alone."
Mai returned the grin with a smile of her own, "No, I didn't."
"All right, then! So why not join us for lunch? You couldn't tell by looking at her, but Téa's really a great cook…"
"No, I'm sure she is… but like I said, I'm just not hungry."
"So don't eat."
And before they knew it, they slowly began to banter their way over to the picnic grounds.
"You know, you never told me where you were on that rollercoaster of yours," Joey began, remembering their dropped topic as they reached the summit to the small knoll.
"Why, Joseph—" and she answered with a light in her eye that had been previously absent earlier during that day. "I'm right there on the top."
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Author's Notes: Wow. I truly hoped you liked it, and if you didn't, I'd love to know why—not in the form of flames, please, but in the form of a well-founded critique :) Take care, everyone—and Happy New Year!