Title: An Attempt to tip the scales
Author: Jessica¨
Pairing: Chuck/Blair
Genre: Angst, POV
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Up to 1x10 Hi, Society
Feedback: YES please...jrothenyahoo.se
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: "You had never known pain like that as you stood there, with your hand gripping the banister so tight that your
knuckles had started to turn white." Chuck's POV on his relationship with Blair and the events of Hi Society.
AUTHORS NOTE: Title comes from a song by Bright Eyes. This is my first try at Gossip Girl fic so please be gentle.
Not beta read as I do not have a permanent beta reader.
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistakes may occur.
She was gone now.
You had banished her name to the back of your mind and you refused to let it show its face.
She no long existed in your world.
You removed every piece of her from your life.
You stripped the bed the both of you had slept in and refused to sleep in it anymore.
You packed up all the things that reminded you of her and banished them to the back of the closet
until the vile things got too much to handle so you threw them away.
You stayed in your hotel room for a whole week.
The days were spend in your room pacing, pacing.
You were like a tiger pacing the restriction of its cage.
The nights were spend fucking some nameless, faceless woman you found in some bar.
Every night there was a different one.
You found yourself searching their faces for something that resembled her.
But no one could measure up.
Anger ran hot in your veins then that she still had so much power over you.
It was pathetic when you thought about.
You were supposed to be the winner in all of this.
You were born a champion.
But somewhere a long the way you had let yourself be blinded and now you were paying the prize.
So you had no one to blame but yourself.
It wasn't like she would ruin you.
You would never let that happen.
But as you stood there peering out into the pitch dark night you were not so sure.
It felt like you had been stripped down to your bare skin, naked for the world to see.
And all because of her.
It had been a game at first.
Something to amuse yourself with when boredom got the best of you.
She had been a toy to you, something that you could play with and see if it would break.
But she had proved herself worthy of something else.
You had been afraid to defy your relationship for a long time.
You were not friends.
She would never stoop so low as to call the two of you friends.
She merely tolerated you.
You were not enemies.
The both of you knew better than that.
So you co-existed.
You shared friends, you breath the same air.
That was about it.
But you had always been able to understand her in a way no one could.
She was cut in the same way as you.
Hard as nails.
Shaped by your parents and the society that defied you.
She was so desperate to remain in control that she was willing to do anything.
She had a fire inside of her that amazed you.
You got to see that fire one night one month earlier.
You had seen that fire before but always on rare occasions that it left you wondering if it had
only had been a trick of your mind.
The truth was that you had put a label on her long before that night.
She was just another pretty face in the sea of well-groomed and well brought up girls that surrounded you.
The only thing that made her special was that she dated Nate, your best friend.
Maybe you were weak that night.
Your father had wounded you that day.
But then again your father had always had a way of cutting you in that
special way that you felt it right to the bone.
It was supposed to build character he said.
The only thing it did was mess with your head.
Maybe she had been vulnerable that night.
Nate had wounded her but she had refused to let it break her.
She had walked on to that stage with her head held high.
You saw a fire in her eyes when she kissed you that night.
Looking back you realized that you lost something in that moment.
She gave herself to you completely and you lost the one thing you held on to for dear life.
You would never acknowledge this of course.
That was too pathetic even for you.
She didn't want anything to do with you after that.
You struggled to remain control.
She clouded your judgment and she haunted your dreams.
She was weakening you.
You hated the way she made you feel.
It was like a sickness that invaded your body.
You had seen how destructive it could be and how far it could drive a person.
Your mother had been broken by love.
She had loved your father so much that it eventually became the death of her.
All her life she had longed for some kind of glimpse of affection from the man she married but
your father gave her everything but that.
It eventually killed her.
The doctors said it was cancer but you knew better.
So you knew everything about love.
The need to cleans yourself from that feeling was powerful.
But Blair was like a drug to you.
It was pathetic, foolish.
You knew that.
But you had no pride when it came to her.
You wanted her.
Every fiber of your being wanted her.
She kept coming back to you, claiming that the moments you got was the last once.
It felt like a balancing act.
Like your world tilted on its axis.
There were times when you hated her.
She demanded everything and gave nothing back.
You were just a distraction to her.
Something to play with.
But still you wanted her.
Your world came apart one night two days ago.
The world that you had carefully built and maintained for years came undone in one single moment.
That night were supposed to have been the start for you and her.
You were supposed to prove yourself worthy of her.
But somewhere along the way you managed to lose everything at once.
The plan had been simple.
You had rented a room at some obscure hotel where either of you would be recognized.
You would take her there and make love to her.
You would prove to her what she refused to acknowledge; that she belonged with you.
Maybe it was a stupid plan.
But you had nothing left.
She was draining you, breaking you apart, piece by piece.
You felt weak as you stood there on the dance floor watching her coming towards you.
She was beautiful.
But she knew that already.
You took her into your arms and for a single moment you let yourself believe that maybe things would
work out in the end.
But things are never that easy.
You were supposed to say the right things in that moment.
But for the first time in a long time you had no idea what to say to her.
And that was the end of you.
Her eyes flashed with anger as the truth fell into place.
You wanted to explain, wanted to make her see the truth.
But it was too late.
She slipped from your arms and you could see disgust in her eyes as she spat out:
"You make me sick."
Her words cut you like nothing ever could.
You found yourself backing away.
A part of you felt ashamed for what you had done but the other part claimed that it had been justified.
You wanted her and nothing else mattered.
But the truth was that you had hurt her and guilt showed its ugly face.
So you tried to reach for her but she moved away from you and ran from you.
She left you standing there, in the middle of a crowded room.
The need to set things right won over the need to lick your wounds.
So you went after her.
Your heart was beating so fast as you climbed the stairs.
A voice inside of your head tried desperately to find the right words to say to her.
But you found none.
All you wanted was be with her.
Every part of you needed her.
She kept you sane.
She had a way of calming you down, making you feel like an actual complete human being.
And now you were about to lose all of that.
Panic ate at you soul as you took the final flight of stairs.
You saw them almost immediately.
Her skin seemed to glow in the dim light that shimmered out from the room.
Nate's arms was draped around her, holding her tight as his mouth invaded hers.
You had never known pain like that as you stood there, with your hand gripping the banister so tight that your
knuckles had started to turn white.
You wanted to say something, anything, but your mouth refused to move.
It felt like something inside of you were coming apart and you had no idea how to stop it from happening.
He looked up as she kissed his neck and he smiled at you.
Nate had won after all.
But maybe there had never been anything to fight for.
She had never been yours.
You stood there and watched as they moved into the room and closed the door behind them.
You had lost.
You had always been good at pretending.
That was one thing that your mother had taught you and taught you well.
You were Chuck Bass after all.
You could survive everything all live to tell about it.
This was nothing.
At least that was what you told yourself as you climbed into your limo that night.
She was nothing to you.
The lie tasted bitter in your mouth but you washed it away with a glass of whiskey.
You finished the bottle in less than a hour.
You picked up some girl at some bar and you took her to your room.
You were so determined to erase the face that haunted you but when you entered her that night
it was Blair's name that escaped your lips.
It was still dark outside as you slipped from the bed.
The sheet was still stained by cheap perfume and traces of your night together.
You felt sick to your stomach.
But in a way this was your own fault.
The blame was yours and yours alone.
How pathetic you were.
Such a vile, pitiable creature.
What had you ever done to ever think that you would deserve her?
You were not a good person.
People couldn't stand you.
So how could you ever think that she would ever stoop so low that she would actually love you?
You called your driver and you packed up your things.
It was time to make things right again.
You didn't belong in her life and she didn't belong in yours.
You knew that now.
All you had to do now was remove every trace of her.
So you did what you always had done.
You ran.
Like the scared little boy you were.
You ran away.
Hoping against hope that time would be kind to your broken heart.