A.N: Hello Guys, this is TurtleJesus at your Service, Please read and review this parody of Breaking Bad and the Bible. This chapter is a bit short but I just wanted to get it out there and will probably rewrite it sometime.

Chapter 1

Jesus was leaning against the rough sandstone building in the hot summer sun attending to his ass. He was extremely upset as his ass had been sick lately, doing ass coughs, losing hair and lazing about all day. Jesus patted his ass's head, "Please get better, Jebus" He whispered to it, "someone will be here soon to help you". Only minutes later a man turned around the corner, he had broad shoulders, luscious black hair and a big nose.

"Jesus my man, I heard you had a sick ass, let me poke around a bit with it and I'll see what I can do" He said in his loud annoying voice. The person mumbled a lot as he touched Jebus making Jesus very nervous, "For Father's sake man, hurry up" Jesus yelled, startling the man who was currently underneath Jebus. The man stood up and straightened his tunic and cleared his throat,

"Jesus you must understand, Jebus is a very old donkey and he has always been a very weak ass". Jesus looked terrified but also angry, "Are you telling me my ass is dying?" Jesus practically yelled at the man, "Ahem, well, not exactly, I'm afraid to say that your ass has cancer" replied the man not meeting Jesus' eyes.

Jesus fell to the floor, agony written on his face, his poor, poor ass. "What can you do for my ass?" Jesus questioned, pleadingly looking at the man.

"Well, there are treatments Jesus but they are very expensive and a carpenter doesn't get paid as much as they used too" Replied the man before trying to hurry out of there.

"Wait" Jesus launched himself at the man, "Do the treatment, I'll get the money, just help my ass", Jesus begged on two knees.

"Ok, Ok" the man said holding his hands up in surrender.

Hours later Jesus was riding around on his chariot when he saw an ex-school friend which gave him an Idea for in fact this friend had become a baker and Jesus realized it was time to exploit his and his own talents.

"Judas, hey Judas, over here man" Jesus called, waving over Judas. Judas jogged over, stumbling on the hems on his robes.

"Jesus bro, how you doing?" asked Judas, slapping him on the back.

"Not to good, my ass is sick and I need money for treatments" Jesus replied sadly,

"Too bad bro, anything I can do?"

"Well I have an idea, come to my house and I'll explain it" Jesus whispered to him, looking suspiciously at everyone near them. On the ride home they talked about small things, such as the weather, the different shades of sand and how likely it would be that the world would flood.

Once they reached home, Judas turned around to Jesus and said, "Okay Bro, What's this grand idea?". Jesus took a moment to completely think over the idea.

"Well you can bake and you remember how I can multiply food, I mean I feed thousands of people with a couple loafs of bread and some fish" Jesus took a moment to make sure Judas was following. Slowly a glint of understanding appeared in Judas' eyes.

"No Jesus, I will have no part of this, It's illegal"

"But Judas think of all the things we could do together. We could put all the other bakers out of business"

"I don't know bro"

"Please Judas, you could become rich"

"Ok, I'm in"

"Yes" Jesus yelled jumping up and punching his fist, "Lets bake some bread".

A.N: Hope you enjoyed it and felt sorry for Jesus' ass. Pls Review.