A/N: Kind of a mini-ficlet/headcanon that stuck in my head after I wrote it out on tumblr the other day.
Disclaimer: Never have been, nor will they be mine.
End of Days
Dean had never asked Castiel to stay. But even so it wasn't like he had much of a choice in the matter. When the angels left so did his grace. And yet, Castiel knows with every fiber of his being that if he had been given a choice nothing could have kept him away from Dean. Not then and not now.
Especially not now.
Castiel knew that Dean would never look at him the way he had when Sam was around. Knew that he would never have the same sparkle in his eyes, the same sort of vigor for life that only Sam could instill in him that he had carried around before Sam had said yes. And because he knew all of this he also knew that he could separate his life into three categories.
Before Dean, after Dean, and after Sam.
But, the thing was, knowing everything that he knew. Knowing all the pain and the heartache he would endure. All the fear and uncertainty that would cling to him. Knowing the addictions to drugs and alcohol he would develop, and the sting of things too painful to even attempt to categorize as anything other than...just life and knowing even now that Dean was going to ask him to walk willingly and knowing into his death come sunrise, he couldn't for the life of him bring himself to regret his decisions.
Dean would tell him he was being stupid and reckless and perhaps he would be right. Maybe he was. Castiel had learned a lot about being stupid and reckless since he'd lost his wings, but seeing as he was going down in a blaze of glory tomorrow, he didn't much figure stupid and reckless mattered much at this point. It just was. So was life.
The only regret he could find it in himself to have was that he had never told Dean the three words that truly mattered. The three words that would, in a way, set him free. He knew that Dean knew, of course. From the moment he betrayed his family for the sake of Dean's cause he had to have known. After all, he had known something was different about this particular human from the moment he ventured his doubts out loud. From the moment he touched Dean's soul and dragged him from the pit he'd known it was only a matter of time before this human, this human, made him fall.
And yet, he hadn't said it. And even so he knew that Dean was aware of it. He knew that Dean could see it in his eyes when theirs met across a crowded room and the way his face would light up whenever he ventured close. Knew because of the way their hands grazed each other and personal space stopped being a concern long after he had stopped being an angel. Knew from their drunken fumbling one night that Dean never mentioned again, because that would mean that he would have to admit that he felt it too. But, it didn't matter if Dean refused to acknowledge it, because Cas knew.
So yes, he had one regret. But it wasn't Dean Winchester like most people might think. It wasn't falling, though flying was a sensation drugs could never come close to matching. It wasn't the end of the world, that Lucifer had risen, or that humanity might soon be wiped from the face of the earth. It was that he had never told Dean he loved him, and now, knowing the fate that lie ahead of him tomorrow, he never would.
And maybe he regretted failing Dean a little too.
All of these thoughts fought for dominance in his head as he looked out the window of the jeep, with this other Dean by his side. This untarnished, beautiful Dean that looked at Castiel the way his Dean used to, and he allowed himself to think that maybe he would do things differently. Maybe he would stop this future. Maybe in his world Cas told Dean and Dean was able to say the words back.
Maybe in their world he didn't have any regrets.
And that was the thought he held onto as he walked into the abandoned building and willingly into death.
Was this completely awful? I'm really not sure how I feel about it. Well, you know what to do. Click the little review button and tell me your thoughts.