I'm telling myself that it is the wind in my eyes that is making me tear up as I desperately cling to the neck of Reiner's Armor Titan form. I am scared and I can hardly think straight. Eren's small body weights down heavily on my back with his rage and hate simmering through his unconscious form. I cannot forget that ultimate killing intent in his eyes when he promised us the most horrible deaths for our betrayal just a while ago. I am glad he is knocked out and bound at the moment, it makes things a little easier. Not that this helps a great deal in this situation.
I'm thirsty, my throat is dry, we don't have water or other supplies. I can hardly breath through my panic. When I swallow I remember Mikasa's blade in my neck and the absolute horror in Reiner's voice as he desperately calls my name. That image of him standing protectively in front of me, in front of Mikasa, another of her blades through his left arm - his right one cut off! - has burnt itself into my brain. Blood, hot, dark blood, sputtering, squirting, flowing out in waves. What was mine, what was his? So much blood... No, we are ok, our healing factor kicked in. Reiner's arm has grown back, there aren't even any wounds left. Nonetheless, I am strangely aware of my cervical artery pulsating in my neck. Mikasa was so fast, so incredibly fast, she wasn't human. I feel like throwing up just remembering the look on her face. Despite my strong grasp on Reiner's armor I feel the trembling in my hands. My muscles are clenching and twitching, I'm probably cramping up but what does it matter now. Ymir's titan is right besides me. She managed to kidnap Christa – by swallowing her. I don't know what to make of this whole mess of a situation. I don't trust her. Not because she is the titan that ate Berik, rather, we are the traitors, we cannot trust anyone. It's almost funny...
Capturing Christa, that was risky, we lost a lot of time. We had no choice, we needed Ymir to cooperate, she wanted Christa, and Reiner wanted her, too. He's probably glad that it worked out, more or less, and we don't have to get her another time. If that would have been possible at all. He said we need her and her connection to the Wall Cult, in case Eren is not the Coordinate, he also said she is cute. I don't know what Christa means to him, I don't want to think about it either.
I don't need to look over my shoulder to know that the Survey Squad is right behind us, I do it anyways. Their galopping horses raise a trail of dust after them, the thunder of their hooves resonates in my skull. Titans emerge from the forest to hunt the soldiers, their clumsy stomping running form stands in stark contrast to Reiner's big strides. His huge form moves so smoothly I almost forget the effort it must take him, especially with us on his back. I want to believe that we can make it. That we can get back to our hometown.
Why did I say that to him? Why did he reveal us? He just offhandedly threw away his soldier life and changed our long standing mission on his own. It was so easy, just like that, and scary as hell. That shock is still in my bones. But something inside me felt a little bit relieved when Reiner made the promise to leave humanity alone if Eren comes along. It was an absurd proposal but a good one. For the first time in a very long while I felt something resembling hope buried under my fear.
We can just return home and never come back again. Home. Back home with Reiner, finally.
I look behind us once more. We'll probably die. The Survey Corps will kill us or the Titans or Ymir, if none of them than definitely Eren. It feels weird knowing that our deaths are quite literally breathing into our necks. A shudder crawls down my spine.
I glance at Ymir, she is looking straight ahead. I follow her gaze. Weird, there is nothing in front of us, nothing at all. Reiner is right, there is no future for humanity, so why did we think there would be a future for us? No, that's not it. We always knew we'd die. The moment we left our hometown we were on a suicide mission. Neither soldier nor warrior, just murderers, massmurdering psychopaths, as Eren said. Who knew that better than us?! My tears are welling up again. The wind in my face quickly pushes them to the corner of my eyes and off into my hair. My vision is clear now.
With death behind us and no future in front of us, there is only one thing left I want to do before it's too late. I need to tell Reiner, that I am not in love with Annie, I never was. His ear is right here, I don't even have to move closer for him to hear me clearly. I laugh. It's so easy. Just another thing that has always been too easy to do.
I'm not scared anymore.