I'm supposed to be working on the next chapter of my WIP and finishing the way too long oneshot that is distracting me from my WIP... But somehow I ended up with this. It's Anderberry AU with a dash of Cooper!

I don't own Glee.

Kurt and Finn shared an uneasy glance, then both turned to face the three people occupying to side of the booth opposite them, who were all bent over a single menu.

"Finn, I think that we should all share a pizza, don't you—"

"Rachel, nobody else wants cheese-less pizza," Blaine interrupted loudly (as was necessary to be heard over Rachel) and pulled the menu an inch closer to himself.

"Speak for yourself," she snapped, glaring past Cooper, who was between them, at Blaine and jerking the menu closer to herself. "Kurt might want cheese-less pizza—"

"Maybe we should all just get our own things," Cooper suggested, even louder, pushing both of his siblings away from either side of himself as they tried to crowd closer around the menu.

"Finn wants pizza," Rachel retorted angrily. "Don't you, Finn?"

"Well," Finn began meekly.

"Well, Kurt doesn't like vegan pizza, and I think that we should just share spaghetti or something, don't you, Kurt?"

"Maybe—" Kurt began hesitantly, but Cooper cut him off.

"It's going to be impossible to split the bill right if we don't all get our own," he pointed out, glaring at Rachel, who glared back and looked at Finn.

"It counts as a date, so there are only three checks anyway," she said bossily.

"Three?" Blaine asked, raising his eyebrows.

Rachel gasped dramatically.

"Are you not planning on paying for Kurt?" she asked, looking personally offended. "Chivalry is so dead. Cooper pays for Allie, doesn't he?"

"Allie's in New York," Cooper pointed out, rolling his eyes.

"It's the principle of the thing," Rachel retorted angrily, once again pulling the menu closer to her side.

"Well, it's not chivalry because Kurt isn't a girl, Rachel!"

"You should still pay for him!"

"I am going to pay for him, he's just not a girl!"

"Yeah, you'd know that better than any of us, wouldn't you, Blaine?"

"Shut up, Cooper!"

"Rachel, why don't you just look at my—"

Cooper cut Finn off, and Finn put down the menu he had been offering, looking frightened.

"I'm your guest," he said, grabbing at the menu in Rachel's hands so he was the only one holding it. "You're supposed to pay for me."

"We are not!" Blaine cried. "You're older and actually have money. You should be paying for us."

"Aww," Cooper said patronizingly. "Does itty bitty Blainers need his older brother to pay for him?"

"I'm not a baby! I'm seventeen!" Blaine replied furiously, reaching out to take the menu back. Cooper laughed and held it above Blaine's head.

"Give it back!" Rachel, who was even shorter than Blaine and just as unable to reach the menu, ordered.

"Make me," Cooper replied, smirking.

"Cooper!" Blaine cried angrily. "Honestly, we need to order!"

A frightened-looking waitress, unnoticed by the three Berry siblings, approached the table. Kurt sighed and looked at her apologetically.

"Can we please get two diet cokes, an iced tea, and two cokes?" he asked sweetly. The waitress nodded and back away from the table quickly, looking relieved.

"If we get the extra dipping sauce for the breadsticks, we'll be too full for dessert!" Cooper was saying when Kurt turned back to the table.

"Maybe we don't want dessert!" Blaine argued.

"How do you know who wants dessert, Blaine? Maybe you should actually ask people!"

"Yeah, the chocolate cake looks good, we should get that."

"No, Kurt always gets cheesecake. That's his favorite."

"Well, how was I supposed to know that? I've barely gotten to talk to him because you two keep yelling!"

"You're yelling more than I am!"

"You two had better shut up because I need to talk but I can't strain my voice, Finn and I are doing a duet tomorrow—"

"Which I might know if you would shut up long enough for me to talk to him!"

Kurt sighed and dropped his head into his hands. Finn patted his shoulder comfortingly.

"Do you remember what I said when we met Blaine?" Kurt moaned despairingly to Finn. Finn's brow wrinkled for a moment.

"That you couldn't believe that there were actually two Rachel Berrys?" he suggested. Kurt nodded.

"Now there are three," he said hopelessly. "Three, Finn. It's a freaking trio of Berrys."

The waitress cautiously approached their table, and Kurt helped her distribute the drinks with a thankful smile.

"Look, Kurt has a curfew and if we don't order soon—"

"Then what?" Cooper interrupted wickedly. "You won't have time to make out with him in the car after dinner!"

"Yes!" Blaine replied, before realizing what he had just agreed to. "I mean—Shut up, Cooper! I just mean that we've been here twenty minutes and we haven't even ordered our drinks."

Kurt cleared his throat loudly, and all three Berrys whirled to face him simultaneously and in a creepily alike fashion. Kurt gestured at the drinks on the table, sighing.

"Oh!" Rachel exclaimed, grabbing her tea and taking a long sip. "Wonderful, my throat was starting to feel a little sore."

Blaine looked at Cooper expectantly.

"What?" Cooper asked, reaching for his own drink.

"Why don't you make inappropriate sexual comments about her in front of her boyfriend?" Blaine demanded. Cooper made a face at him.

"Dude, gross. That's my sister," he said.

"I know that," Blaine replied, rolling his eyes. "She's my sister too. So?"

"I can't make sex jokes about my sister. That's just weird."

"Besides, it's not our fault that we know too much about the physical aspect of your relationship, Blaine, just because you don't know how to lock doors," Rachel argued.

"I did lock the door," Blaine said through gritted teeth. "Cooper picked the lock. And you helped him."

"We were afraid for your safety. It sounded like you were being murdered, so we had to check on you," Cooper explained with a barely-straight face. Finn snorted into his soda.

"At least we're not always making out in the choir room," Blaine hissed. "Or making videos together and posting them online, Cooper."

Cooper choked on a piece of ice.

"How—" he gasped.

"If you don't want people to find your sex tapes," Blaine said condescendingly. "You shouldn't always use the same username. Apparently supercooper987 has an account on many a shameful website."

Cooper opened his mouth but no retort came out. The table fell silent for the first time since they had sat down, and the three siblings all took sips from their drinks at the same time. Kurt breathed a sigh of relief and glanced over at Finn, who was watching them apprehensively.

Rachel was the first one to put her cup down. As she did so, Kurt gritted his teeth and prayed, please don't start talking, please don't start talking—

"Look, maybe we should all get individual pizzas," she said.

Blaine and Cooper both looked like they were about to reply when the waitress came back.

"Do you know what you'd like?" she asked hopefully, even though she had probably heard their entire conversation because of how loud it had gotten.

"Yes," Kurt said loudly, before anyone else could speak, and threw a glare in the direction of the three siblings. "Can we please have a medium pizza, half with no cheese and half Hawaiian, an order of cheese ravioli, and whatever he wants?"

He pointed impatiently at Cooper, who quickly spoke at the look Kurt gave him. "Um. Lasagna?"

"And a lasagna," Kurt added politely, forcefully yanking the menu out of Rachel's grip. The waitress nodded and accepted the menu from Kurt.

"It'll be right out," she promised, then scurried away.

Kurt turned back to the now-silent table.

"Can we please talk in a civil manner now?" he begged.

After a pause, Cooper coughed and turned to Kurt.

"So, Kurt," he said politely.

"Yes?" Kurt replied hopefully.

"What happened last night didn't leave much to the imagination," Cooper admitted. "But exactly how long have you been doing my brother?"

Kurt and Blaine both turned bright red.

"Since right before Thanksgiving," Rachel answered for him.

"Rachel!" Kurt hissed.

"How did you even know that?" Blaine asked.

"Finn told me," Rachel replied nonchalantly.

"Finn!" Kurt whirled on Finn, who looked slightly panicked, then turned back to Cooper with a vengeful glare. "Rachel and Finn had sex that night too!"

"Kurt!" Rachel cried.

"Rachel," Blaine sighed in annoyance.

"Finn," Cooper said menacingly.

"Cooper?" Finn replied nervously.

"Blaine!" Kurt said suddenly, but he was too late to stop Blaine's arm from knocking his soda over onto him and Finn. Everyone at the table froze.

Kurt looked slowly up from his soaked lap to meet Blaine's terrified gaze.

"Please don't kill me," Blaine whimpered.

"You are going to take me shopping this weekend," Kurt said as calmly as he could. "And you are going to buy me a new pair of jeans and a new scarf to replace this. You're lucky the shirt is relatively cheap. Got it?"

"Yes," Blaine said immediately, rushing over to Kurt's side to try and dry him off a little with a napkin.

"Damn," Cooper remarked. "I think last night was slightly misleading about who wears the pants in that relationship."

"Shut up," Blaine said calmly, dabbing at Kurt's jeans with a napkin. "Or I'll send your sex tape to our dads."

Kurt closed his eyes and shook his head, pulling Blaine's hand away from his jeans and sighing.

"I'm fine," he promised. "Well, I will be once I've had a couple hours of quality time with you and your credit card at the mall."

"Sorry," Blaine said anyway, leaning up and kissing him quickly.

"Yeah, we were definitely wrong," Cooper said quietly to Rachel.

"Am I allowed to talk now?" Finn asked.

"Sure," Cooper replied, smiling. "So Finn, when was it exactly that you defiled my little sister's innocence?"

Rachel groaned, and the waitress approached again with a tray of food. This time, all five of them noticed her appearance and thanked her.

"Kurt defiled Blaine!" Finn said defensively as soon as she left, then took a huge bite of pizza.

"If you want to get technical," Rachel said thoughtfully. "Blaine defiled K—"

"Can we have a single conversation that does not revolve around food or sex?" Kurt interrupted, leaning into Blaine, who had relocated to beside him. Blaine put an arm around his waist, smiling.

"Finn and I are singing a duet in Glee club tomorrow," Rachel offered. Kurt nodded approvingly, so she went on to chatter about their lengthy song selection process.

"I love you," Blaine whispered, and Kurt couldn't help but smile.

"I love you too," he said quietly.

"Think you'll be able to stand them when they're your siblings-in-law?" Blaine asked teasingly. Kurt raised an eyebrow.

"They're going to be my siblings-in-law?" he replied, playing along.

"Sure. As soon as you're a Broadway star, we're going to get married, have two and a half children, and get a dog and a white picket fence. Didn't I tell you that?"

"I love you," Kurt said again, resting his head on Blaine's shoulder and watching Cooper, Rachel, and Finn flicking water at each other as they ate.

"I love you too."

Yeah, I don't even know. It's the middle of the night and I'm a tad incoherent. If you or anyone you know has the username supercooper987, I apologize profusely.

Not going to spoil anything with specifics but oh my god, the promo for Big Brother... It took me all of ten seconds to fall in love with Cooper, so the actual episode should be fun.